To feel resentful about missing out due to breastfeeding baby

[Ilovechocolate87]

I'm extremely lucky to have two adorable little girls, who I love more than I could put into words.
But I feel quite restricted sometimes.

DD1 breastfed to sleep and multiple times during the night til she was 2 (when I was finally able to night wean her without too much upset) but even then she fed at bedtime til I managed to persuade her (and myself) to stop at 3.5yrs.So evenings out were pretty much off the cards for a long time for me or for me & DH together.

With DD2 I said 'things will be different' as having to be the sole one to settle & feed DD1 for every nap, evening and during the night took its toll on me mentally.I love breastfeeding but planned to combination feed.Unfortunately DD2 soon developed bottle aversion, and so as i didnt want to stop breastfeeding she was pretty much EBF until she weaned, although DH was often still able to settle her down to sleep if she had had a feed not too long beforehand.
She is now 10 months old, and it feels like its all going out the window again, in the sense that she will only settle if she is fed til she is pretty much asleep (if not she just stands up/sits in the cot crying)
She is also starting with the childminder soon and I'm worried about how she will settle to sleep there (I didn't properly go back to work with DD1 til she was 3.5)
I tried to separate feeding and sleeping somewhat when baby was younger, and put her down 'drowsy but awake', and she used to be able to go off to sleep quickly then often settle herself back if she stirred, but since the separation anxiety kicked in she doesn't do that, and is often up half the evening if she gets disturbed.I feel like I'm constantly up and down feeding her as she won't go down for DH at all anymore.If I'm ever out in the day and she needs to nap with DH, she will only sleep out and about in the pushchair or carseat.

Maybe I can't have it both ways...I love breastfeeding and I am fully aware parenting comes with sacrafice...my girls always come first! But it just feels that everyone else isn't so 'tied down' all the time...I see social media posts of parents I know with babies and toddlers off climbing mountains, going to gigs around the country, or even just going on local date nights/drinks/nights away with friends and partners, but that just isn't an option for us as I always have to be 'present' in the evenings because I never know when DD will be tired and need feeding to sleep or wake wanting a comfort feed.

I know one mum who breastfeeds and still goes out socially in the evenings, but she is lucky in that her baby happily takes a bottle of formula in the evenings/nights from whoever is looking after her if need be, and will settle with that.

Has anyone else experienced feeling like this? I plan to stop B/F sooner this time maybe more like 2ish, but not anytime soon as we both enjoy it generally.Just hard that it feels so 'all or nothing' for me, yet others seem to be able to have the best of both worlds and still breastfeed whilst not missing out on everything 🤷‍♀️

I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but this was always my fear with BF and the main reason why I never pushed BF with either of my DC.

I had 2 kids in 2 years and my mental health was shot by the time my youngest was 2YO. Being able to spend time away from my kids was what kept me doing at my darkest moments.

I can't give advice because I'm in a similar position but I want to offer solidarity. My son (nearly 3) is breastfed and we cosleep most nights. He will not accept anyone else at bedtime if I'm there and screams the house down until I give in.

I see pictures of people online going away for weekends without their child and I don't get it at all. I had my first night away when he was over 2 and I only left him with my husband! I wish I knew the key to getting him to sleep without magic booby!

He went to nursery at 15 months and they manage to rock him off to sleep no problem. I have no idea how but they work their magic so try not to worry about how she will cope because after the initial shock of change in routine I'm sure she'll be very happy.

It sounds like you're doing a great job with the breastfeeding! Well done on getting to 3.5 years, that's a huge achievement especially when you feel like you're missing out on so much.

I totally empathise with your feelings. I breastfed each of my 3 sons for over 2.5 years with very little/no gaps in between and used to feel a bit tearful/embarrassed when other mums at toddler groups used to talk about going out & the importance of still seeing friends in the evening etc. I always felt tied to being at home for the kids as they just wouldn’t settle without me (my husband would try his best but it often just didn’t seem the hassle - perhaps that was our fault & we should have persevered but it’s how we did things).

Now my youngest is 5 and I’m more than making up for it! I go out and see friends quite a bit - I go to gigs, have drinks out etc. This time seems so long at the time but will honestly pass so quickly. For what it’s worth I don’t regret the way I did things even though I remember feeling a bit like ‘the odd one out’ at the time.

Yes, YABU. Nobody forced you to do things the way you have. If you don't like it, change it. But you keep on saying you love it, so not sure what you want. Only you can decide. I would have never breastfed for such a long time- far too enslaving

No, you can’t have it both ways. At 10 months she’s eating and drinking, so she’s using you as a dummy really. Mine wouldn’t take a bottle so she went onto a sippy cup for milk.

I bf DS until he was 3 (& decided to stop for himself) but as he got older that didn’t mean I fed him on demand - once he was eating properly & over a year or so, I set times when I would feed and times when I wouldn’t. You may find that being at work helps you with this as there are times you just won’t be available. The bedtime feed got dropped earlier than some others, for example.

BF is wonderful and both my dc & I got a lot from it - but you are allowed to set boundaries and make it work for you, as well as for your dc. It is hard when you know it’s the easy option to soothing etc but being a parent doesn’t mean being a martyr. If feeding to sleep isn’t working for you anymore, it’s ok to change that. Yes, your baby will probably be upset initially but if you decide a plan & stick to it (that’s important - read up on intermittent rewards for why it’s the worst of all worlds to stick for a bit then give in & revert to the original behaviour) you can change things & develop new routines. Your DH will need to support with this too - it’s no good just thinking she won’t settle for him, it will be possible you just both need to decide a plan and carry it through. If that’s what you want. It is also ok to say no, I don’t want to change things. But please don’t be a martyr. Dc need happy, fulfilled parents!

Are you sure you love it? You say you love it, but it doesn’t sound like it if I’m honest….

baby would cope without you at this age if you wanted to make that work. If you had to work now, baby would manage. Often BF children won’t settle for anyone else if Mum is at home, but if they know Mum isn’t even there then they will- like a nursery.

Sometimes if you actually go out and aren’t available all the time, they adapt pretty quickly. I’ve just weaned by DD at 2.5 (as I’m pregnant again and it’s just too painful) But for st least the last year she’s understood that when I am here and with her she gets breast milk, but when her Dad or grandparents are looking after her she settles differently.

Most kids adapt like that pretty well - but it won’t happen unless other people, particularly her Dad, have the chance to work out their own ways of settling her and getting to sleep. My DD just knew that if I did bedtime she got ‘mummy milk’ (apologies for the twee terminology!!) but if my DH did bedtime she got Daddy cuddles.(we alternate every night) And that’s just how it was.

understand why you find it hard, but you can’t have it both ways. If you stop BF then you can do all the things you see friends doing. If you don’t want to stop BF then I guess you just have to accept that this is your life right now.

All my DC were exclusively breastfed. However, I was also pumping as I went back to work FT fairly quickly. This did mean though that I was able to leave DH with bottles of breastmilk to feed the DC. I’m addition, he always did the settling too sleep from newborn. It’s how we split nights, I was woken by them, got up, fed them and then woke him and handed the baby to him to walk and cuddle to sleep/change any nappies/wind them and so on while I went back to sleep.

I know you said your baby has a bottle aversion, tell me did you try the bottle? You the human with the boobs? If yes, then that’s going to happen 99% of the time. I never could get my DC to accept a bottle from me. But if my DH had a bottle and I left the room or went out, they’d take the bottle from him. Initially there was fussing and crying for me (or my boobs), but once they realised it’s bottle or nothing because the Dad parent has no boobs, they were fine taking the bottle from him (and later on the child minder).

You could try this, get a pump, pump milk, leave house with DC and DH behind to get the DC trained to a bottle of breastmilk. Or even try that with formula…just don’t you try to use a bottle, babies will usually refuse a bottle from the human with the boobs.

I think its very easy from the outside to say just stop. Looking back, the reason I didn't with my clingon was I was too tired... this way I got some sleep. In the end y MIL took her for a weekend! (Only person brave enough too!) She 2yo by this point.

Breastfeeding is wonderful... but definitely has the downside of dependence on one person. There are benefits throughout todderhood, its not just being a dummy.

Sorry for not having answers.. I don't think there is one really. But there's nothing wrong with stopping and nothing wrong with continuing. Its very personal decision.

If you love it then no, you can’t have it both ways. There can be many reasons why couples don’t get time together but with bf you can make changes. You don’t seem to want to though!

I’m feeding my 2yo and a newborn. I understand what you mean. Most of the time BF makes your life easier but every now and then it’s sad to miss out on a night out / social event because you feel you can’t leave DC with anyone else.

TBH at 10 months you can give her a feed after dinner and leave her with DH to get on with it. She won’t starve. She’ll probably cry but will have DH to comfort her and he’ll find his own way. He needs a chance to try without you waiting in reserve though.

What’s the worst case scenario? she’s still awake when you get back. Assuming you’re going out for the evening and won’t be rolling in at 4am is that really so bad every now and then?

I understand your feelings. Personally I kept persisting with my husband learning how to settle to sleep and resettle so if she woke up about six times a night I didn't need to feed back to sleep every time. It's a tricky age and I found 6-9 harder than any other time period! I think the separation anxiety will soon pass. Encourage the two of them to spend as much time together as possible.

Well you can have it both ways as I did by pumping and leaving breastmilk behind with DH or later on a child minder/babysitter. I even went on 1 week business trips after they hit 6mos old (it took effort and planning, but I had a great freezer stash and pumped & dumped while away). I frequently had all day or all evening outings with friends, about twice a month. And twice a week, every week I went to my dance training for a few hours in the evening so DH was doing the bedtime routine. It’s a myth that if you breastfeed the baby is then attached to you like a lamprey. As I said, not a single drop of formula passed my DCs lips.

My own breastfeeding journey wasn't great with my eldest so I decided for my own mental health I wouldn't with my other two children. Have you spoken to your hv or your local breastfeeding group? There will be people out there who have been through what you have and will be able to help support you. For instance there will be ways to stop your baby using you as a dummy but it will require perseverance and depends if you are up for that knowing that there will be some upset.

1. Come off SM. It’s fake.
2. No, you can’t have everything.
3. Enjoy breastfeeding your beautiful baby. This period will soon be gone.

*TBH at 10 months you can give her a feed after dinner and leave her with DH to get on with it. She won’t starve. She’ll probably cry but will have DH to comfort her and he’ll find his own way. He needs a chance to try without you waiting in reserve though.

What’s the worst case scenario? she’s still awake when you get back*

This is what I used to do with my bottle refusing DD. Most of the time she settled fine, just took longer! Plus by the time I got back I was ready to feed anyway.

I just wanted to let you know that it absolutely is achievable to have an evening social life and still breastfeed an older baby. But because babies cry to communicate it does mean the other parent/babysitter riding out some tearful times.
My children are almost 7 and almost 4 now now. I bf my eldest until she was 5 and I am still breastfeeding my youngest.
I went back to work when my youngest was 10 months old I've gone away for weekends and gone out in the evening before bedtime regularly. Recently I was away for 8 days. It does take bit of doing but the amazing thing about children is that they can learn so very fast and and we taught ours that bedtime with daddy was different to bedtime with mummy.
Don't worry about settling and sleeping with childminder in the daytime: childcare workers know some kind of witchcraft.

Agree op. Well done for trying so hard but you really can't have it both ways. With my ds I wasn't able to BF due to a few complications so we bottle fed, dh was able to share the feeding and night's very well with me and it made a massive difference. Ds is fine and you wouldn't know he was FF or BF.

I breastfed bofh of mine to 6 months but i made sure to intoroduce dummg and bottle no later than 2 weeks. When they were very little they used to just come with me to pub/meals out etc as could feed them there and they would sleep in pushchair. When a bit older, we used to have friends round to ours for the evening so the kids could be put to bed.

Have you tried your DH giving a bottle when you aren't in the house?

Imo, you have to make much more of an effort to get kids to fit into your life, not completely change your life for kids, if you still want evenings out etc, it can be done

I disagree about having it both ways, it can be done, to a certain extent, but bottles and dummies are needed and you need to tailor your activities (especially as babies get older) or be able to leave them with other people.

I breastfeed my youngest until he was 2. I wanted to get back to doing my sport which meant missing bedtime. He had always fed to sleep. After a few bedtimes that weren't great my dh and my mum managed to get him to sleep with rocking and a sippy cup. I kept breastfeeding in the morning when he woke up or an occasional little feed if he was upset or he asked during the day. My supply went down dramatically and one morning he woke up and didn't want his morning feed. It was a very gradual stop which suited us both.

I never felt tied with DD1 but she took a bottle from DH plus he took her every single morning on his own from birth so she settled easily with him. I was able to go out for evenings. If he couldn't get her to sleep then he'd just keep her up - it's not really that big a deal with a baby. I stopped feeding her to sleep at around 6 months. Took a few rough nights but she was never left to cry.

DD2 is still only tiny but I'm going back to work at nine months and I work three evenings, albeit from home, so DH will be doing bedtime and we will have to have it worked out by then!

i BF both of mine for quite a long time. In the grand scheme of things it really isn't a very long period of your life and if you think BF is a benefit to the baby and to you, then it's fine to carry on. Being a parent means making compromises and missing out on things sometimes.

My OH did a lot of the other things around feeding, bringing me snacks & drinks, making sure i was comfortable, burping and changing the babies, and doing things with the older one while i was involved with the baby, and vice versa.

It is ok to feel as though you're missing out, but don't dwell on that too much. This will pass.