To feel resentful about missing out due to breastfeeding baby

[Ilovechocolate87]

I'm extremely lucky to have two adorable little girls, who I love more than I could put into words.
But I feel quite restricted sometimes.

DD1 breastfed to sleep and multiple times during the night til she was 2 (when I was finally able to night wean her without too much upset) but even then she fed at bedtime til I managed to persuade her (and myself) to stop at 3.5yrs.So evenings out were pretty much off the cards for a long time for me or for me & DH together.

With DD2 I said 'things will be different' as having to be the sole one to settle & feed DD1 for every nap, evening and during the night took its toll on me mentally.I love breastfeeding but planned to combination feed.Unfortunately DD2 soon developed bottle aversion, and so as i didnt want to stop breastfeeding she was pretty much EBF until she weaned, although DH was often still able to settle her down to sleep if she had had a feed not too long beforehand.
She is now 10 months old, and it feels like its all going out the window again, in the sense that she will only settle if she is fed til she is pretty much asleep (if not she just stands up/sits in the cot crying)
She is also starting with the childminder soon and I'm worried about how she will settle to sleep there (I didn't properly go back to work with DD1 til she was 3.5)
I tried to separate feeding and sleeping somewhat when baby was younger, and put her down 'drowsy but awake', and she used to be able to go off to sleep quickly then often settle herself back if she stirred, but since the separation anxiety kicked in she doesn't do that, and is often up half the evening if she gets disturbed.I feel like I'm constantly up and down feeding her as she won't go down for DH at all anymore.If I'm ever out in the day and she needs to nap with DH, she will only sleep out and about in the pushchair or carseat.

Maybe I can't have it both ways...I love breastfeeding and I am fully aware parenting comes with sacrafice...my girls always come first! But it just feels that everyone else isn't so 'tied down' all the time...I see social media posts of parents I know with babies and toddlers off climbing mountains, going to gigs around the country, or even just going on local date nights/drinks/nights away with friends and partners, but that just isn't an option for us as I always have to be 'present' in the evenings because I never know when DD will be tired and need feeding to sleep or wake wanting a comfort feed.

I know one mum who breastfeeds and still goes out socially in the evenings, but she is lucky in that her baby happily takes a bottle of formula in the evenings/nights from whoever is looking after her if need be, and will settle with that.

Has anyone else experienced feeling like this? I plan to stop B/F sooner this time maybe more like 2ish, but not anytime soon as we both enjoy it generally.Just hard that it feels so 'all or nothing' for me, yet others seem to be able to have the best of both worlds and still breastfeed whilst not missing out on everything 🤷‍♀️

I did that until 9 months when I told the hv she looked horrified and said “my god you have to think of your own mental health”. Gave me the confidence to stop and get my life back! Two confident teens now so no harm done!

I know this might be a silly question, but have you tried actually not being there for bedtime (as in leaving the house) and seeing if your lo will settle for your dh? I've breastfed both mine (still breastfeeding dc 2). With both of them, they never settled for anyone else if they knew I was around, but if I actually wasn't around, they would settle for my dh if I physically wasn't there. There would be some fuss and resistance but it wasn't nearly as bad as either of us thought. So I still breastfeed before bed and before naps etc... but I can go out now and again and my lo will settle for dh without be. If I know I won't be here, we just make sure lo has had a filling dinner or lunch so we can be confident they're not hungry and then dh just offers water.

I felt as stuck as you because we'd tried to get dh to settle dc without me and it failed. But the times we tried I was always physically around in another room. My mum suggested leaving the house physically, just going for a walk or drive and it made all the difference. I think my dh's approach probably changed because he knew I wasn't there as a back up and I think my lo had an understanding that I wasn't an option too. If you haven't tried it, give it a go. You might be pleasantly surprised like we were. It also got easier and easier to do as they got older and understood more that 'mummy was out'.

What's ever so hard about advice is that all children and mothers are different, so they respond differently. You'll need to figure out what works with your own DD, so take any advice as just stuff to try.

If it were me, I'd focus on getting her settled at the childminder and settling to sleep with your DH. There is no reason why she can't learn to take a bottle when you aren't there, have you tried different formula brands? Might be easier when she starts on cow's milk, DS wouldn't touch formula so I found expressing was ok for our needs, but he loved cow's milk.

I agree about being out of the house at bedtime, DS always settled beautifully for naps or night when I wasn't there, but if he knew I was there it was worth yelling for me.

The nice thing about feeding toddlers is that you can talk to them a bit about the plan, which helps. We had a daddy bedtime routine (including some fun things I didn’t do, plus the offer of milk in a cup which was usually rejected) and a mummy bedtime routine (including bf) after age 1. The days I was at work, they got the daddy version. I suspect it was tough the first few times, but he found a way and once it was established it meant I could feed when I was there in the evening, but no biggie if I wasn’t.

I don't breastfeed and yet I feel tied down just like you - no one will be able to settle 4 months old DD except DH or myself, so we can't go out either. We also have this issue throughout the day, and naps are hell every single time because she needs to be rocked and bounced for very long periods of time in order to fall asleep (it's a freaking workout). Her falling asleep in her cot/pram by herself has happened, like, never, and she doesn't feed to sleep either so that's also not an option for us.

I'm not saying this to make you feel better or for you to think that others 'have it worse' - I get how you feel because I feel the same way, even if for different reasons!

With some babies, you just can't win, can you? Breastfeeding is not the culprit here; having to accommodate to our babies' needs is.

Going to the childminder might help your youngest to get used to sleeping in other ways. I fed DD until 3 and DS still feeds at 3.5. However from about 11m I could miss a bedtime feed and they would cope. Before that I could feed and go out after bedtime if I had the energy! I went back to work when both were 9m, so they had to get used to settling for naps without me, so that extended to bedtime when I wasn't there. (Although DS still very much expects a feed if I AM there!).

I breastfed my DC to sleep (won't take a bottle). But I have to go out in the evening once or twice a week.

Husband originally had trouble and I'd often get home to him rocking her in his arms to sleep and have to take over.

Since DC was 17 mo though, DC been amazing. He (and the babysitter) put them in their cot, say "hush hush, time to sleep" and they lie down immediately and go to sleep!

DC won't do that for me - they cry and stand up asking for boob. They obviously know now that if I'm out no one else can give them boob though, and don't object.

So basically what happened was a) DC got older, b) we started letting them watch Moon and Me in the evening, which is where the Hush Hush thing came from, c) we started a routine where DC puts dolly in the dolly cot just before bed, also with hush hush and a kiss, and d) letting husband be in charge on his own.

Well you don’t have to breastfeed. i don’t understand why women feel so much pressure to, or why they want to do it much. Maybe that’s just me but… that was my first thought. Probably not the advice you want though

Oh gosh yanbu. I know it's not the done thing to admit that breast feeding is a pita and a bind after a while but let's face it...it is. I fed dd till she was 2 ...in hindsight i was a bit of a martyr and fell for all the mum guilt stuff. I should have been firmer after a year.

On a positive note...she will learmn to self sooth with the childminder.

You can set boundaries though? I BF long term (3.5 years) but am a low supplier so that was with 50% formula for the first year. DH and I did alternate bedtimes from 3 months, and I'd go out in the evening about once a week - he just had to get on with it. It's been a huge help since I've been back at work.

As she got bigger I didn't allow pawing at my clothes to get access, biting or latching on unless I was prepared to do it - learnt other methods of settling and comforting so she wasn't reliant on breastfeeds which made it easier. This does mean putting some work in at this stage whereas it would just be easier to latch on and get them to settle that way.

I felt the same. We did sleep training which I know isnt for everyone but it stopped us having to feed in the night. Suddenly we had evenings back and it changed my life, that and not been knackered all the time. Still fed til 18 months ish where they naturally gave up

She’s 10 months so i would push on for 2 months then leave her for your DH to settle. Just go out - what’s the worst that can happen? You’ve done your bit.

Some of the stories on here are ridiculous! Mums enslaved by their toddlers 😂

I gave DD the odd bottle of EBM from day 1, luckily she could switch between the two whenever needed which gave me some much needed time to see friends etc. I never fed her to sleep, I gave her a good feed and wind then settled her by rocking her. She was a very efficient feeder and a brilliant sleeper from about 4 months old. Breastfeeding doesn’t mean being slavishly tied to the baby until they’re 5 if you take charge from the beginning.

YANBU. This is one of the major downsides to breastfeeding for many people and one that's rarely talked about during those early days when everyone is pressured into doing it.

If you ever want to stop, then it's time to stop, it has to be a relationship that works both ways and is right for both of you to be right for you as a family. There's some really good evidence about the benefits of breastmilk which essentially says that other than some very minor short term benefits in terms of slightly lower risk of ear infections and gastro problems, in the long term there are no known benefits once things like class/money/family are adjusted for. So if you choose not to bf second baby as long as you did the first they'll be no worse off! Breastfeeding is great if it works for all involved but it doesn't convey any long term benefits so there's little point pushing through it for months on end if it's causing misery.

You can have it both ways btw by only feeding her when she actually needs a feed i.e. is thirsty, along with a meal, rather than using it as a comfort tool to get her to sleep. You can still provide your own milk for her without being on demand as a dummy 24/7. Plenty of people do it that way. It's more likely to be sustainable in the long run if you're only feeding her to feed her rather than becoming the go-to for every problem that requires comfort.

I bf all mine but the latest I went was 14 months. As toddlers they weren't hungry and it was onot not to soothe. I never fed them to sleep though, beyond them being newborns.

Sleep training is such a godsend. It's a shame there's misinformation about it out there that stops some people from considering it when in reality it's very effective and safe (though tbf that seems to be changing, I've seen it spoken about positively in so many spaces over recent years). Really is the best possible thing for all involved if a whole family are suffering broken poor quality sleep.

Hi OP,

I’m still breastfeeding my little one who is 18 months. She’s never had formula or a bottle/cup/dummy in her life. For the first 7 months I never left her at all, everywhere I went she came with me. Her Dad and I separated when she was 6 weeks old and I fed to sleep for every single nap or bedtime at home. I was really worried about leaving her and her starting nursery. From 7 months I started leaving her for a couple of hours with my sister. I’d plan it for lunchtime/around her biggest nap. She’d go and have lunch (BLW so took her ages to eat!) play for a little while, then I cleaned the buggy wheels and my sister used to push her to sleep in the hallway. I did pump some milk just in case and left instructions on cup feeding (which we never did with BM but introduced with water from 6 months at mealtimes) but my sister never needed to defrost it as she was happy and content.

She started nursery 9-4 two days a week from 12 months, and I never pumped or sent milk. I was told by a lactation consultant that she would likely be happy with food and water while I was away and then make up for it with lots of feeds at home which was completely right. Nursery have always managed to settle her for naps without a boob/bottle/dummy, and were happy to use a pram to get to sleep. They have a few times but can now get her happily to sleep by patting her back (which she still won’t do for me!!).

Now at 18 months, she is at nursery 4 days a week 9-4. She goes to her Dads for the day 9-7 every Saturday. I go out in the evening every couple of weeks. She will settle to sleep at bedtime for other people in the pram (indoors, in the hallway) or with rocking/patting. The first few times I went out in the evening I booked a table for 8:30 and put her to sleep myself before going out.

I know how you feel, but I’d definitely build up to it. It’s totally possible even if they don’t take a bottle, especially now that LO is having some solids. My supply is still fine and she’s still happily feeding. I would just take it slowly at your own pace. Introducing a blanket/teddy as a comfort item may be helpful for soothing her at nursery/bedtime away from you. I slept with a little comforter tucked in my bra for a few nights and then gave it to my LO and she loved it, really comforted her when she’d never had a comforter before.

You do not need to give up breastfeeding to be able go out in the evenings. (some of the people commenting have obviously never breastfed an older child...)

I would try it and see how it goes - your DD will probably adapt - perhaps not immediately but she will. I suggest a short period somewhere close to begin with and if it doesn't work then try again in a few weeks. You don't need to leave her a bottle of expressed milk or formula (unless you want to). She is old enough for water and solids in your absence.

I do get how you feel - I felt the same with my son but I think if there hadn't been Covid restrictions he would have learnt to settle without me much earlier (as I mostly legally had to be in the house with him it was hard as I was always available). If your older daughter is 3.5 Covid probably had an impact for you too as nights out were banned for much of her life?

This isn’t in uncommon and it’s the reason I didn’t want to consider extended BF.
Ultimately it’s your own choice so it’s a bit unreasonable to be resentful. You can’t always have it all and we just have to accept the flip side of our decision sometimes.

I know one or two people are saying extended BF doesn’t have to affect you going out or going on holiday etc but the reality is it’s a small percentage of BF mothers who have those freedoms.

My relationship with DD and my mental health improves immensely when I stopped exclusively BF and she started sleeping through.

Would your DD take a sippy cup? I ebf both DSs to 2 but if I was out then they would (past about 8 months) take a sippy cup of expressed milk from DH (both were bottle refusers). And from 1 they had cow’s milk too. Also made full weaning easier as we transitioned the last three feeds (6pm in from work, 8pm bedtime, 7am wake up) one at a time.

Can’t believe all the replies saying “you can’t have it both ways”! So unsupportive. You absolutely can!!

I breastfeed and go out in the evenings just fine.

2 separate issues here, OP:

1. bottle refusal - at your baby’s age I would forget the bottle and move straight to a cup. You can either use expressed milk or formula in the cup. Get her to practice with a very small amount in the day. She can also just play with it at first to get used to it. Don’t expect a one day miracle, it may take a couple of weeks of practice to get her used to it.

2. feeding to sleep. It sounds like you would really benefit from stopping this habit. It will involve some crying but you have to realise that it’s protest crying in response to change, rather than her being sad or starving. You can try the gradual retreat method as a gentle way of sleep training, should work in 2 weeks if you are consistent and your DH needs to be 100% on board as he will have to deal with it for the first few days.

I would suggest a bedtime routine of bath, cup of milk, then story, cuddle/lullaby/kisses, to break the feeding to sleep association. And you should be out of the house for the first couple of nights (just go out for a walk). Be prepared for a couple of hours of crying but stay strong and she should get the hang of it in 5-6 days. Good luck!!

I EBF and still bf, DD is just over 2. I started going out for the occasional dinner with friends around 8 months - I fed her before I left then DH would give her milk in the same cup she drank water from if she wanted it (rarely) and they worked out their own way of managing bedtime. There were some tears as they figured it out but he’s her dad, he was always there as a comforting secure presence to help her go to sleep. Working this out actually helped with night weaning when we were ready because he could to re-settle her much more easily than if I, and my boobs, appeared at the side of the cot.

Even now, it takes them 5 mins to do bedtime (without a peep) whereas she’ll often have me running round in circles for “more book!” so we still have different ways of going to sleep and that’s OK.

I bf my children for an extended length of time but it really doesn't mean you have to give up on having a life! I was back at work quite quickly after mine were born, and I also made sure dh and I kept a social life going. Much as I was a committed breast feeder, I didn't want our children to be solely dependent on me being there 24/7.

Have you actually tried letting your dh do bedtime? Or gone out for an evening leaving expressed milk in a cup? At 10 months your child will be drinking from a sippy cup anyway not a bottle? That's if the issue of it being breast milk is important to you though of course it doesn't need to be if you don't like expressing.

If the issue is that you only want your children to feed direct from your breasts rather than using a cup, then I don't think there's any solution until they self wean from it, but for goodness sake don't feel any martyr guilt ... you can love breast feeding without giving up your entire life to it.

At 10mo you do have choices. You can go out for the evening and leave dd with a bottle or cup of milk. She might take it, she might not. She won't starve in one evening. She can have toast before bed or even a biscuit. If it's not every night she'll be fine. Yes the person caring for her might have a bit of a miserable time and it might not seem worth it just for a night out. But if you want the break badly enough you need to stick with it.