To feel resentful about missing out due to breastfeeding baby

[Ilovechocolate87]

I'm extremely lucky to have two adorable little girls, who I love more than I could put into words.
But I feel quite restricted sometimes.

DD1 breastfed to sleep and multiple times during the night til she was 2 (when I was finally able to night wean her without too much upset) but even then she fed at bedtime til I managed to persuade her (and myself) to stop at 3.5yrs.So evenings out were pretty much off the cards for a long time for me or for me & DH together.

With DD2 I said 'things will be different' as having to be the sole one to settle & feed DD1 for every nap, evening and during the night took its toll on me mentally.I love breastfeeding but planned to combination feed.Unfortunately DD2 soon developed bottle aversion, and so as i didnt want to stop breastfeeding she was pretty much EBF until she weaned, although DH was often still able to settle her down to sleep if she had had a feed not too long beforehand.
She is now 10 months old, and it feels like its all going out the window again, in the sense that she will only settle if she is fed til she is pretty much asleep (if not she just stands up/sits in the cot crying)
She is also starting with the childminder soon and I'm worried about how she will settle to sleep there (I didn't properly go back to work with DD1 til she was 3.5)
I tried to separate feeding and sleeping somewhat when baby was younger, and put her down 'drowsy but awake', and she used to be able to go off to sleep quickly then often settle herself back if she stirred, but since the separation anxiety kicked in she doesn't do that, and is often up half the evening if she gets disturbed.I feel like I'm constantly up and down feeding her as she won't go down for DH at all anymore.If I'm ever out in the day and she needs to nap with DH, she will only sleep out and about in the pushchair or carseat.

Maybe I can't have it both ways...I love breastfeeding and I am fully aware parenting comes with sacrafice...my girls always come first! But it just feels that everyone else isn't so 'tied down' all the time...I see social media posts of parents I know with babies and toddlers off climbing mountains, going to gigs around the country, or even just going on local date nights/drinks/nights away with friends and partners, but that just isn't an option for us as I always have to be 'present' in the evenings because I never know when DD will be tired and need feeding to sleep or wake wanting a comfort feed.

I know one mum who breastfeeds and still goes out socially in the evenings, but she is lucky in that her baby happily takes a bottle of formula in the evenings/nights from whoever is looking after her if need be, and will settle with that.

Has anyone else experienced feeling like this? I plan to stop B/F sooner this time maybe more like 2ish, but not anytime soon as we both enjoy it generally.Just hard that it feels so 'all or nothing' for me, yet others seem to be able to have the best of both worlds and still breastfeed whilst not missing out on everything 🤷‍♀️

I also swore my second baby would be able to take a bottle if needed after my husband had to go to hospital when my first was six weeks old and it became hard to visit while breastfeeding. But stubborn baby she would never take the bottle. However she also self weaned the night before her first birthday (down to one feed by then, just before bed). What a relief!
You are trying to have it both ways. My kids were on a fairly strict bedtime routine so I could have child free evenings with my husband. It took time but they both eventually went down well at 7.30-8pm. At first it was a sleepy feed before I went to bed and baby would wake again around 3am for another, but I'm pretty sure by six months both babies slept through.
My first was off the bottle at one year (I returned to work when he was five months so he went on bottles then). And as I said my second self weaned.
You can't keep breastfeeding and then complain that it keeps you from going out. Just wean your kids.

My biggest revelation was when I had a stomach bug and was stuck on the toilet. Put dc down and had to run. They stood in cot and had a cry as I couldnt resettle as was glued to toilet. 5 mins they had gone to sleep. I was being too quick to resettle when they started crying, same when they stirred in sleep.

I'm afraid I think this is partly luck. I fed DD1 until she was over 2, but she stopped feeding to sleep at around 1 and then was able to be put to bed without me there, or even spend nights with grandparents without any problem. But I didn't do anything special to facilitate this.

Having said that, DD2 is 4 months and I'm determined to have the same thing so if I don't get lucky again I will just stop feeding her to sleep (not now, when she's older). I'll go out for a few evenings and bedtime, I'll get DH to take her to his parents for a night etc, because like you I don't want to be doing it for ages.

I breastfed my 4. The longest I bf for was 2 years but I also introduced the bottle at some stage. None of them wanted the bottle to begin with so I had to be out of the house and my ex give it to them. Then we did a combo of solids, bf and bottle.

I hate it when people say breastfed babies are using their mother as a dummy. No, dummies are a man-made substitute designed to replicate the comfort element of nursing. Nursing is more than just nutrition, it's bonding and comfort too. It's perfectly biologically normal for babies to nurse more than just for nutritional purposes and I find it really sad that people judge women for meeting their babies' biological need for comfort by nursing. A baby seeks to use a dummy as a breast, not vice versa.

Anyway, I totally get it OP. I'm on the same path as you, and I look enviously at the mothers of babies and toddlers who are merrily skipping off for cocktails at 6pm. But then I remind myself of what a positive thing I'm doing by breastfeeding my child in line with NHS and WHO guidance, and that this is really important to me. I love the closeness and connection that comes with feeding. Plus I just couldn't enjoy a night out knowing my toddler was crying themselves to sleep because I'm not there. The days are long, but the years are short. It's really hard for us now, but we will look back at this in a few years and think fondly of those sleepy nursing cuddles that helped our little ones drop off to sleep feeling loved and contented. The cocktails will still be there when they're ready to move on.

Little one is 17 months and I’m still breastfeeding. And it’s only the past few months that I’m having evenings out. I still don’t drink because when I get home he will want to be fed overnight but he does settle with DH and go to sleep without needing to go to be breastfed.

A big part of the change was when he started nursery. Obviously I couldn’t feed him to sleep there so he learnt to sleep with cuddles and patting. He still won’t do that with me but he know goes to sleep with DH. When he wakes, he will sometimes want me but he will also settle with DH when it’s early enough in the evening. But as the night goes on, he will want me, so I still haven’t had a full night’s sleep!

So it could very well be that being at the childminder where feeding to sleep isn’t an option helps her to
sleep without you and you can therefore rely on your husband more for putting down to sleep.

This is what gets me about the ‘leaving them to cry even for a minute is cruel and destroys their trust in you’. Since the dawn of time mums have had to leave babies to cry for a few minutes, not through choice - for reasons like yours, to see to older siblings, to get the washing in urgently as it’s raining! Etc etc. It’s ludicrous to say a few minutes of crying damages a baby’s mental health.

There really are some martyred mums on here who will be disappointed to see their 100% unwavering devotion won’t really translate into noticeable psychological benefits as the baby gets older.

I would pick DD when she cried if I could and not if I couldn’t - if I needed the toilet, was mid shower etc. At 3 her nursery reports say how happy, sociable and confident she is, so I know I’m not making it up!

I have no advice but my nearly two year old still nurses… a lot ( both day and night ) and in three weeks I’m going away on my first ( kid free) weekend trip and I have no idea how my husband is going to settle him. Also I barely get much when I pump so I’m anxious about engorgement ☹️

My daughter is 20 months and we still breastfeed. I’m not trapped - breastfeeding isn’t the only way to put her to sleep so daddy, grandparents, relatives can too.

They each find their own methods and what works for them.

When I’m here we breastfeed every 2-3 hours day and night but when I’m not she copes just fine.

If she is 10 months old then she can feed herself from a cup. Or even just have solid food while you go to a gig/climb a mountain.

Have you tried letting her feed herself to sleep using a cup? It sounds like she may be teething, if she is suddenly refusing to settle without being fed. Have you tried Calpol before bed, to see if this helps?

Also, what is the worst that could happen if you did just go out for the evening and leave her with your partner/family/a friend?

I do agree with this. A pp said something similar too, that it isn't really a long time, in the grand scheme of things. If you want to continue BF (with the emphasis on the 'want to'), then I think it's OK to accept that there will be some differences to your life for a while. That said, I don't agree with some pp, who've said that you can't have it both ways. I think you can experiment with alternatives to find something that works. There have been a few good suggestions by pp. As a mother of 4, all BF until beyond 2, I have needed to do this, as they've all been so different. Anyway, you're doing brilliantly, and this time will pass quickly enough. Don't wish it away! 🙂

I BF my bottle refuser until she was 2. I went back to work doing late and night shifts when she was 9 months old, so she had to learn to settle for DH without a feed. They had a few bumpy nights but they found their own rhythm. You can absolutely keep feeding and have an evening out when your baby is older, you just need to accept that they might be a bit passed off that the boob has gone out. They'll be offered milk and water and solid food and love and cuddles, so nothing actually bad is happening to them, they won't be traumatised just annoyed.

Wow thanks so much for all the helpful and sympathetic responses!

It's great to hear so many people say that their DCs adjust well to settling in a different way with other people.I really hope this does happen with us, although i'm abit worried as i used to work in childcare and some babies of DDs age would literally force themselves to stay awake all day without a nap and got in abit of a state because of it.It seems to get harder at this age as they're often teething, are experiencing separation anxiety and can keep themselves awake more easily and sit up/stand up in the cot.We occasionally in the nursery i worked had some drop off to sleep sitting up as they were so tired but wouldn't give in!

When DH is around then he/we are often out and about so she is napping in the carseat or pushchair, but i think we need to practice him getting her down for naps at home more in the day at weekends, to prepare her for when she starts full days at the childminder next month.Even if it's being rocked in the pushchair in the kitchen rather than in the cot, as I think our childminder would do that if need be too.She always used to go to sleep fine with DH putting her down in the day (not so much the evenings) up until 2 or 3 months ago.

Then perhaps when she is used to that we can start trying the evenings starting with me just popping out for a walk or something rather than committing to 'evenings out'.I found 1-2 years the most taxing with DD1 for breastfeeding, and like others say I did feel like a 'martyr' at times, especially as I also didn't return to work with her so I lost myself as I was 'on call' 24/7.

Just to clarify, the breastfeeding isn't being done because I feel I have to or out of any sort of guilt for not doing so- I do genuinely enjoy the emotional closeness and other benefits it brings for us both, and want to continue.I just feel I need to find a middle ground before we head into toddlerhood and she is increasingly less able to adjust, as happened with DD1.

I guess like PP said I wouldn't be able to enjoy going out socially in the evening if I knew she was at home getting in a state, I would just feel too guilty and selfish, but perhaps if we build things up gradually with DH's involvement she might actually suprise us and settle better than expected, so I think we need to persist abit with that. I don't mind the more gentler forms of 'sleep training' but would never leave her to cry for more than literally afew minutes (to see if she settled herself)

Its definitely the comfort that is more the need from feeding now i think...she eats solid foods well and drinks water from a cup, so I'm not too worried about the hunger side of things if I'm not around for awhile.
I suppose I'm just looking for a more balanced approach this time around, which many of you seem to have achieved, so that's positive to hear!

Motherhood was always my ultimate dream and I am well aware and accepting that to be a devoted parent many sacrafices do need to be made.I've never been fussed about nights out drinking etc, did all that years ago but isn't me anymore, and i wouldn't want to leave baby with anyone overnight yet anyway.It would just be nice to have some opportunity to leave the house for an evening or whole day & evening if something came up eg: like a hen do or a music gig, things i've always missed out on whilst breastfeeding/needing to be the one to settle DDs.My girls needs will always come first, however i would hope it might be possible to also incorporate some of mine and DH's aswell, individually and as a couple, as i felt not doing so last time around was a mistake.Plus it would be nice for me, dh and 5yo DD1 to have more time together the 3 of us, which never really happens anymore since DD2 arrived.

It's so nice to read such a balanced thread by someone who breastfed past 3. I'm still going with 3 year old and it has been really challenging in terms of the burden on me. Mine was fine starting nursery - the ladies there had lots of experience with this and she settled fine with patting for them. In my own case I think DH is just kind of rubbish at helping his child to settle - it has been a sad revelation.

She is also starting with the childminder soon and I'm worried about how she will settle to sleep there

She will because:

• The childminder should be use to caring for babies who are still breastfed.
• Your child will be with 2 older LOs who are interested in her, and she will be interested in them so will copy them.

So that part you don't need to worry about.

I breastfed both mine and they were totally different. First one needing feeding to sleep until 18 months and even then it was a big but gentle effort to stop. Second one fed a lot but could fall asleep easily. If your youngest is already able to fall asleep with your OH I would imagine you won't have the same issue again. They could be having a developmental leap - they perceptions of outside change a lot and sometimes they need more comfort, or they're gearing you up for a growth spurt. When we stopped nursing to sleep I'd do a bed time feed but get OH to do the putting down as much as possible.

Kids can be so different, you could easily not encounter the same problems again. Obviously if you want to stop that's totally fine too!