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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay with my parents post-birth?

58 replies

WarmingUp · 04/09/2022 22:33

I’m due to have my first baby in a couple weeks and have a DSS who lives with us 50:50. My partner is only having 1 week paternity (taken as annual leave as he is in a new job so not entitled to SPP). I have asked that he takes 2 weeks and 1 week unpaid paternity and I will cover his loss of earnings for that week, however, he doesn’t think it’s possible. I feel sad that 1. He will be missing out on time with the baby and 2. I won’t have that support if needed. (I’ve suffered with depression in the past and although I feel so positive I am worried it will come back as PND).

DP is so good when it comes to housework and we share the load 50:50, but when DSS is here the house is more messy, extra mouth to feed at certain time etc. I am worried that when baby arrives I will still be expected to cook, clean etc, probably more so because I will be at home (and I can’t stand seeing a mess) as DP isn’t taking an extra week I’m worried it will fall to me. Today I’ve decided I need that extra support, more than a week and have thought about going home to stay with my parents, they live 40 mins away but I have said to DP he can come with me to stay the 50% when DSS isn’t with us and travel in to work…

I’m just trying to do what’s best for myself and our baby and I feel I need that extra pair of hands for the first few days and less stress in regard to house work etc. (Parents WFH/ work PT) . So AIBU?

OP posts:
Yesthatismychildsigh · 04/09/2022 22:35

Unless there’s other issues, I don’t understand why you feel the need to do this.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 04/09/2022 22:36

Though DSS should only be there whilst DP is.

namechange30455 · 04/09/2022 22:38

Surely your DP won't be expecting you to do much? Have you spoken to him about this?

Original poster
WarmingUp · 04/09/2022 22:39

Sorry I should have mentioned, I may need a C-section as the baby is going between breech and head down.

OP posts:
Teenyliving · 04/09/2022 22:40

Can one of your parents come to stay with you?

tiktokontheclock · 04/09/2022 22:41

Do it. I did with my first and it was a massive help mentally too. It helped me get some more sleep as my mum could take my first born as I caught up. I don't see why you need to be at home - you don't have another kid apart from DSS.

ToFindNewWays · 04/09/2022 22:41

Do it. Absolutely.,

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 04/09/2022 22:41

You really don't need to do this.
Sod the mess, it'll get done another day and you won't get PND just because you've previously had depression.
You're catastrophising.

You'll cope and you need to be at home , with your baby and your husband.

toastedcat · 04/09/2022 22:42

How old is DSS?

Kite22 · 04/09/2022 22:42

I'm not going to vote, as this is an odd place to ask the question.
Your hormones might be playing a part in this and you are anxious, but I think that is an odd thing to decide at this stage.

Why not wait and see how it goes.
Then, if you do decide you need some help, then invite you Mum or your parents to come over to you in the day a few times.
I think it is rather sad to be taking your partner's new baby away from him at a time you will be learning together all about your new little one and bonding as a family.

AdriannaP · 04/09/2022 22:42

I don’t understand either. If your DH can’t support you immediately after childbirth when will he?

of course you shouldn’t cook or clean after a c-section, whether DSS is there or not. Your house will be messier with a newborn coming.
this is an important time for both parents, don’t run off but stay with your husband. DP can pop in and support, bring or cook hot meals etc

FrozenGhost · 04/09/2022 22:43

I think it's over the top to be honest, it's one baby and your parents live a short drive away, why wouldn't they just pop over during the day? Yes a baby can be tough etc but don't catatrophise - I'm sure you'll cope fine and in retrospect you'll probably laughthat you were worried.

BloodyCamping · 04/09/2022 22:44

best return home for the week DH has off, then move on to your parents for another week if you would like extended support. Play it by ear and decide once baby is here

Mybumlooksbig · 04/09/2022 22:45

After the birth of my 3rd child I stayed with my mum for a week. Dh and other kids visited daily. I was well looked after and all the better for it. Do it.

Christonabike37 · 04/09/2022 22:49

Do it. I wish I'd had more support, my body's still not healed

Ihaveoflate · 04/09/2022 22:50

You don't decide on anything now. Keep it as an option after that first week at home with your husband, but see how you feel. You may feel very different when you're baby's here.

I personally would have hated being in someone else's house, even it is was my mum's. Can your mum take a couple of weeks off work and stay with you?

SisterGabriel · 04/09/2022 22:54

If your Mum and Dad are helpful types, definitely do it. Look after yourself and make your health and and care of the baby the priority. Post partum women should be cosseted. Sod looking after someone else’s child. You need to be looked after.

TheJudgment · 04/09/2022 22:55

Do it. It’s very common to do this in so many cultures so I don’t understand why it might be frowned upon.

also, if you’d had another similar major surgery where you needed assistance post op, no one would bat an eyelid at you for staying at your mums so why this.

Original poster
WarmingUp · 04/09/2022 22:56

Yes, my plan was to stay with DP whilst he’s off even when DSS is here and then see how the second week goes. My parents are more than happy to stay at mine but that will mean bringing all their work equipment etc.

To be honest I probably am hormonal and catastrophising but this has been a hard week in general, I’ve had DSS 1-2 days a week over summer holidays whilst still WFH and then this week DP has only made diner once as he’s been ‘tired’ and I’ve done all the clothes washing, cleaning and dishes which has been really tough especially at 38 weeks pregnant. When DSS is back in school I do pick up once a week and I’ve told DP I can’t do this for the first few weeks but there’s still no contingency for this and the baby could be here any day.

I think the last week has just made me reflect on the fact that he’s been tired so done the bare minimum, I know this is a DP problem at the moment!

OP posts:
5128gap · 04/09/2022 22:59

Sounds like a perfect plan. Two weeks of support from your parents is just what you need to recover and have quality time with your baby while you get to grips with your new role.
People will be negative because either they don't have a relationship with their parents that would make it viable, or because of the idea these days a new family needs privacy to bond. Firstly, that's not so for everyone, and secondly bonding is a lifelong thing. The first weeks are not particularly important in the scheme of things. Realistically the most important thing in that time is meeting your baby's needs, recovering and staying well.
I hope your husband thinks it's a good idea too.

dmask · 04/09/2022 23:02

When are you finishing work?

Hbh17 · 04/09/2022 23:02

I find it a bit odd that you talk about "going home to stay with my parents". Surely your home is where you live with your partner? I have no idea whether you will need extra help, but you might want to rethink how you discuss it.

Mistystar99 · 04/09/2022 23:06

If I had a lazy twat like your DH sounds, I would totally go and stay with my parents. YANBU

Maymaymay · 04/09/2022 23:06

Yes !!! I think you should go home for sure, you can always come back early if you feel ready.

MadamMaltesers · 04/09/2022 23:08

Do it honestly. Prioritize your mental health. I stayed for 3 weeks down my parents after an emergency c section. I needed that time to heal properly and get into some sort of routine.