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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stay with my parents post-birth?

58 replies

WarmingUp · 04/09/2022 22:33

I’m due to have my first baby in a couple weeks and have a DSS who lives with us 50:50. My partner is only having 1 week paternity (taken as annual leave as he is in a new job so not entitled to SPP). I have asked that he takes 2 weeks and 1 week unpaid paternity and I will cover his loss of earnings for that week, however, he doesn’t think it’s possible. I feel sad that 1. He will be missing out on time with the baby and 2. I won’t have that support if needed. (I’ve suffered with depression in the past and although I feel so positive I am worried it will come back as PND).

DP is so good when it comes to housework and we share the load 50:50, but when DSS is here the house is more messy, extra mouth to feed at certain time etc. I am worried that when baby arrives I will still be expected to cook, clean etc, probably more so because I will be at home (and I can’t stand seeing a mess) as DP isn’t taking an extra week I’m worried it will fall to me. Today I’ve decided I need that extra support, more than a week and have thought about going home to stay with my parents, they live 40 mins away but I have said to DP he can come with me to stay the 50% when DSS isn’t with us and travel in to work…

I’m just trying to do what’s best for myself and our baby and I feel I need that extra pair of hands for the first few days and less stress in regard to house work etc. (Parents WFH/ work PT) . So AIBU?

OP posts:

underneaththeash · 04/09/2022 23:11

Why would you cover his loss of earnings OP - that's very odd. Is it not his child?

Stay with your parents if he's not willing to take the time off.

Theluggage15 · 04/09/2022 23:14

My husband only had a few days off straight after the birth of our two children, he took some more time later on. My mum came and stayed for a week or two after each one was born and it was fantastic, she did all the cleaning and cooking, making me drinks etc. so I had nothing to do but look after the baby and when my husband came in he could relax and just spend time with us. It would have felt odd not being in my own home though as you’re suggesting.

LittleOwl153 · 04/09/2022 23:15

If you end up with the section then I'd definitely look to being where you have the support available for 2-3 weeks after the birth as you won't be able to lift/carry, drive etc.

It seems you do alot for dsc too. I'd be making it clear to dp that you cannot have dsc there if he is not there for a few weeks. Many will say you should put up with it, not first child etc, but it is your first and you will need recovery time. Taking baby away from dad is not ideal... but thennit doesn't seem as though baby is dad's priority so ...

Minimalme · 04/09/2022 23:21

Oh dear, you really do have a dp problem.

Wtaf is he doing expecting you to provide free childcare for his son?

Why did his previous relationship break down? Guessing he has form for lazy arsehole behaviour.

Keep your finances separate, tell him to sort out his parental obligations and prepare for the day when you no longer love him enough to want to do all the chores because the poor little lamb is tired.

LorW · 04/09/2022 23:25

Do it OP. I had to look after my 3 SC a week after having a traumatic birth, I could barely walk but had no choice but to look after them (cook and clean up after them, 2 of them have additional needs) as my DH had to work, couldn’t afford not to, all while looking after a newborn and no family support as they live 100s of miles away, I was bloody miserable for the first few months, I didn’t realise how much support I needed, don’t make my mistake and take all the support you can get!

gamerchick · 04/09/2022 23:27

Do it. You'll need to rest up and your husband can cope without you

Because yanno, if you even breathe that you would.prefer your stepson not come for a bit you would be shot down in spitty snarly flames on here. What you're suggestions seems ideal considering what you've said about your bloke.

He needs to sort out the childcare stuff for his son as well for a few months also. But I'd nip that fucker in the bud now while you're ahead tbh.

Babyboomtastic · 04/09/2022 23:53

Personally it sounds completely unnecessary to me, as a mum who has two children by planned sections.

Everyone recovers differently, but myself and most friends I know who had planned sections were mostly back to normal within a week or so. If you take longer, and need the support, it's good to have the option of your parents as a contingency, but even at home, you can have snacks by the side of you, use ready meals rather than cook if you feel the need, and newborns are thankfully pretty stationary, so you don't have to chase them round, and can spend a lot of time sat down.

I really think he should be taking more time off though, more for the bonding than anything, and it concerns me that he isn't.

LifeIsHardAlways · 05/09/2022 00:19

Do what’s best for you! My husband had two weeks paid paternity. We both spent that at my parents and when his paternity ended, I spent a further two weeks there as my dad was helping me in the night with baby. It was what I needed and was best for us all 😊

Boxowine · 05/09/2022 00:25

Everyone's situation is different. So do what's best for you and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. God knows you'll have the rest of your life to take care of other people, might as well take a week or two letting someone else take care of you.

Cw122 · 05/09/2022 01:13

I'm also due soon and my husband can't take off much longer than yours. I can understand your worry but I think you first need to sit down with your other half and talk through your worries so you know he a) understands that you will be off your feet for a while and unable to do/lift things or might be feeding constantly and b) he will need to step up more with certain tasks to help you out and identify those in advance so you both feel prepared. I'd be inclined to get one of your parents to stay with you instead of going to them as an hour 20 min round trip is time your other half will also want to spend bonding with baby and living up to his responsibilities as new dad and partner. It sounds like you're actually going to be really on the ball in regards your mh and will probably identify any signs of pnd quicker than others might which is a real strength so maybe it would help to consider what works well for you now so you can prioritise that when baby arrives and let your other half know what to look out for and how to help you if he's worried. You need to put responsibility back on him and give him the chance to step up. If he doesn't then you have a great stay with your folks and take all the rest and help you can get xx

RelativePitch · 05/09/2022 01:22

I lived with my DM for a month after each of my DSs. It was brilliant. DP stayed there too though at night. I would say do it.

tillytown · 05/09/2022 01:31

Go, but stay for longer than two weeks. He needs to learn how to take care of his first child by himself, which he won't do if you are around, he'll guilt you into doing the school run the second he goes back to work. Hopefully having full responsibility over his first kid will snap him out of his 'tiredness'

giveovernate · 05/09/2022 01:38

WarmingUp · 04/09/2022 22:56

Yes, my plan was to stay with DP whilst he’s off even when DSS is here and then see how the second week goes. My parents are more than happy to stay at mine but that will mean bringing all their work equipment etc.

To be honest I probably am hormonal and catastrophising but this has been a hard week in general, I’ve had DSS 1-2 days a week over summer holidays whilst still WFH and then this week DP has only made diner once as he’s been ‘tired’ and I’ve done all the clothes washing, cleaning and dishes which has been really tough especially at 38 weeks pregnant. When DSS is back in school I do pick up once a week and I’ve told DP I can’t do this for the first few weeks but there’s still no contingency for this and the baby could be here any day.

I think the last week has just made me reflect on the fact that he’s been tired so done the bare minimum, I know this is a DP problem at the moment!

This completely conflicts your previous post where you say your DP shares the load 50/50?

So dependent on which post is correct is dependent on YBU or YNBU.

FrozenGhost · 05/09/2022 03:52

Just don't worry too much OP. I was feeling like you before I had my first, I was even worried about how I'd take care of the baby overnight in the hospital. I had a cs. And you know what, it was all fine. Pretty easy actually. (The toddler years were another story!) If my mum had stayed with us she would have been twiddling her thumbs.

Now everyones experience is different. Yes it's normal in some cultures and that's great, but if you aren't from one of those cultures (which I'm not and OP hasn't mentioned she is either) that tradition isn't necessarily something you are used to, or need.

Yousee · 05/09/2022 04:53

My DH recently had a terrible bout of lazytwatitis so I took myself off to my parents before I have birth.
It seemed he was absolutely determined that I would not be getting any particular rest or looking after before the birth, as he continued to create mess and work as I was trying to get the house ready for baby. My mum was equally determined that I would be getting looked after.
Last straw was springing sick DSD a few days before I was booked in for an induction so that her mum didn't have to take time off work. He very nearly missed the birth as they had to bring delivery forward.
Go where you will be prioritised, OP. If there's ever a time where what you need should be your own priority, it's when you are about to give birth.

Devilishpyjamas · 05/09/2022 05:16

3 sections here.

I think you need to put your foot down & insist that stepson’s care it sorted. This should be obvious to your dp but apparently not. For your SS sake as well - he has to adapt to a new sibling & will need to remembered rather than have his father assume you’ll just deal with him alongside a baby & potentially post op. It’s not fair on you OR him for his father not to have proper plans in place.

For me the sections & baby care were not such an issue (although being anaemic after the 3rd was) but having to spread myself across other children with 2 & 3 was. That was where I needed help. My mum/MIL visited & stayed after dh went back to work for 1&2 and we were living close to my parents for 3. I preferred help at home/own bed etc.

i was able to drive pretty quickly after my sections but if you do have one you won’t be able to drive fir pickups for at least 2-3 weeks.

tbh though the section thing is a bit irrelevant. Some of my friends with vaginal births had long recoveries & as I said it was anaemia that really wiped me out & that can happen to anyone. After my first I had difficulties establishing breast feeding & really needed space for that.

At least if you have a section you won’t be expected to drive for a few weeks. What happens if you don’t? Is dp going to expect you to do everything including pick ups 1 week in?

Sort out what dp is doing to support SS & then play it by ear. That’s the important bit as you can then concentrate on yourself & baby. I would have parents on standby to either come to you or you go to them depending on how you feel.

rwalker · 05/09/2022 05:28

Get your parents to stay with you .I’m sure them bringing there work stuff easier than u taking a baby

Rinatinabina · 05/09/2022 05:32

In my culture the tradition is for new mum to go stay with her family (DH can come too if he wants). Nothing wrong with ensuring you have proper support in place post birth. Having someone who also cares about your wellbeing and allows you to get to grips with your routine, brings you food and does your laundry allows you to get a shower will make a lot of difference.

I’m NC with my mum but DD would be welcomed with open arms after having a baby.

deeperthanallroses · 05/09/2022 05:35

So the problem is that not only is he a great partner who shares the load 50/50 like you’re trying to kid yourself but he also has you take on some of the parenting his children? Going to your parents is a good idea, it also makes it really clear you aren’t default childcare for him while you look after your baby, but it’s a stopgap. What are you going to do about a man who is a bit tired so just doesn’t do anything around the house since he has a 38 week pregnant partner so she can pick up all the slack?

Dalooah · 05/09/2022 05:43

Some of these responses 🙄🙄🙄

Wholeheartedly do whatever it takes to get the support you need- regardless of postnatal depressions etc etc having a baby is not easy and why should you not take any and all support on offer?

You don't have to do it alone, and there is literally no need to be a martyr and go it alone with just your partner if you don't want to. It truly does take a village and your mental health and child will thank you for doing whatever is best for you! Don't pay attention to the haters!

Norachance · 05/09/2022 06:16

I did it for all three of mine (we were living abroad at the time so I Came back and stayed with my parents). Best thing ever. Do it.

Squeezedsquash · 05/09/2022 06:24

Did you really look after your DSS whilst WFH? That’s not childcare, that’s taking the piss. You cannot wfh whilst doing childcare, 50:50 means finding appropriate childcare for 50% of the time, not bundling kid off to the next girlfriend.

i would go and stay with your parents, not because I think you need their support, but because your DP needs to grow up and that might help.
i hope it goes well for you. I worked until my due dates but I wasn’t doing everything at home.

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 05/09/2022 06:39

Why are you having a baby with this man?

ChrisTrepidation · 05/09/2022 06:56

Why did you offer to cover his loss of earnings if he took another week off?

I'm suprised more people haven't picked up on that actually as it is an extremely odd thing to feel you need to offer. Its his baby as well isn't it?

I would go to your parents. Your partner sounds like a lazy twat.

autienotnaughty · 05/09/2022 07:10

My dh took two weeks off which really helped. What I'm hearing here is you don't feel supported and your partner isn't listening to you. Maybe because he's had a child he feels confident you will be fine after a week ? Or perhaps he's worried about taking too much time off in new job? But you need to do what's best for you. In my mind it would be easier if parents stay with you.

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