to feel this way about my cancer diagnosis

pumpkinfan · 04/09/2022 21:51

You poor thing. I can't imagine thinking anyone just diagnosed with cancer as 'lucky'. I'm sure they're just trying to be positive and make you feel better but they sound rather misguided! It's okay not to feel lucky. It's okay to feel bloody miserable about it in fact, so let yourself feel what you feel. Nobody is judging you.

Theredtoyphone · 04/09/2022 21:51

I’m so sorry to hear of your diagnosis, it must be so scary and I don’t imagine the worry every really goes away. I wonder if your friends are trying to be reassuring and positive but are missing the target and it’s coming across as minimising and dismissive?

You absolutely can and should talk about it if you want to and if you feel that your network aren’t being as supportive as you’d like then maybe see if you have a Maggies Centre and see if they can help with peer support, groups or counselling?

purpleboy · 04/09/2022 21:52

Sorry to hear this op, sounds like people are trying to give you confidence all will be ok, I'm sure they don't mean it like you should the worried/stressed etc...but I can also understand why you're feeling the way you are.
I hope the treatment is working for you.

PurpleDaisies · 04/09/2022 21:52

People don’t know what to say so they say insensitive nonsense. Sorry you had to hear that. You don’t have to feel lucky. You can feel anything you want.

Hesma · 04/09/2022 21:53

I’m so sorry your feeling down OP, people are probably just trying to help you be positive but ending up being a little insensitive. It’s ok to have a wobble my lovely, perfectly understandable. Do you have a close friend or partner you can share how you feel with? I’m here and will listen 🎧 f that helps. Sending you a big hug… it’s ok to not be ok 💐

CastleCrasher · 04/09/2022 21:55

I think when people hear Cancer they tend to think the worst, and so are desperate to grab on to any sliver of positivity. Often that ends up with people saying entirely the wrong thing, but not meaning any harm by it. You are not lucky to have this type of cancer, of course but - just because it could be worse doesn't mean it's not shit. it also doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel able to talk about how rough it's been for you. Cancer is shit. All types. I'm sorry for your diagnosis and hope your treatment is as easy as it can be, and you make a full recovery soon

WhatCanBrownBearSee · 04/09/2022 21:57

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, of course you're not lucky, and there's no such thing as a "good" one to get. I agree that people don't know what to say and are making a clumsy attempt at being reassuring, usually missing the mark. Most people can't bear the idea of "bad" news and need to feel there is a happy ending around the corner.
My son was diagnosed with leukaemia aged 18 months. I lost count of the number of people telling me similar - "it's a good cancer to get"/ "they can cure that now can't they?"/ "at least it's not one of the really bad ones"
Drove me crazy. Son is now much older, through treatment, and doing well, but that could easily not be the case and I felt those types of comments completely minimised the darker possibilities, and disregarded my feelings.
Much sympathy for both the diagnosis and treatment and the insensitive comments. It's crap whatever way you look at it!

MessyBunPersonified · 04/09/2022 21:59

I had thyroid cancer and I felt exactly the same.

Even now I've been clear for a couple of years I think the trauma of that time and feeling so alone with it is something I'm just starting to come to terms with.

I felt I couldn't talk to anyone because everyone said "well at least..." or "X family member had it worse".

I stressed to myself, kept going for the kids, but quietly got everything in order and wrote my goodbyes (as dramatic as that sounds).

It actually has left me with a life long condition, but even then people say I'm lucky.

You're not lucky op, and your pain, fears, stress and anger is just as valid as everyone else's.

violetgrey · 04/09/2022 21:59

Cancer diagnosis is never easy to deal with. It’s quite an ignorant thing to say someone with cancer that they are lucky. It’s probably more about the people not knowing what say but still a stupid thing to say to someone.

How are you? Is your treatment finished?

JulesCobb · 04/09/2022 22:00

Some people are competitively miserable. They are the wankers who always respond to anyones distress by stating someone random person unrelated to the situation probably has it worse. They are best ignored.

OfficiallyBroken · 04/09/2022 22:01

Anything positive with cancer is something people cling to because frankly it's fucking evil. It doesn't devalue what you're going through and please be honest with those closest to you that you are struggling and need support that isn't "well it could be worse". It feels similar to people saying it could be worse to me on losing my younger sister...because she wasn't my only sibling! They are scrabbling for someone positive to say rather than being honest and saying "that's really shit, what support do you need". I still find those comments really hard though

Have you been in touch with your local Maggie's centre? They're geared up for all sorts of real support for those with cancer and their families.

I hope your treatment is going well and the prognosis is good.

SarahSissions · 04/09/2022 22:02

You sound incredibly strong OP, not talking about this to much with those around you and dealing with it in your own way. It probably has made it look easy for those on the outside as they don’t know everything you are going through.
Look after yourself, you’re entitled to as many wobbles as you want.

NancyVicious · 04/09/2022 22:05

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I found a lot of close people barely spoke to me when I had a cancer scare, nobody knows what to say so they trot out with stupid things like 'at least it's not...' in the hope this seems optimistic

Sapphire387 · 04/09/2022 22:12

I expect they are - very clumsily - trying to reassure you. But in saying these things, they are not acknowledging the fear and difficulties you are going through. Which must be very tough on you.

I wish you all the very best for a full and swift recovery ❤️

Ginge21 · 04/09/2022 22:13

I had thyroid cancer 8 years ago and I was told the exact same. I understand it came from a place of care and it was to reassure me I’d be fine, but I felt it really undermined my diagnosis and feelings. I felt like I couldn’t be upset and scared. It may be true that it’s a high survival rate and the treatment isn’t as severe as other types of cancer, but that doesn’t take away what it does to you mentally and/or physically.

Hope everything goes well for you

PremiumPiglet · 04/09/2022 22:14

When Dh was diagnosed he was told that the success rate was virtually 100%- the only reason that it isn't as a lot diagnosed are over 80 and they pass away before the 5 year limit to be deemed to be cancer free.

What treatment have you had so far?

PremiumPiglet · 04/09/2022 22:15

PremiumPiglet · 04/09/2022 22:14

When Dh was diagnosed he was told that the success rate was virtually 100%- the only reason that it isn't as a lot diagnosed are over 80 and they pass away before the 5 year limit to be deemed to be cancer free.

What treatment have you had so far?

Didnt finish

He found being told that he would survive very helpful.

Mollymalone123 · 04/09/2022 22:17

As someone who has had breast cancer and the crappy treatments and damage that follows and also then went onto get melanoma and then another load of treatment, Ivan honestly say that cancer is cancer.full stop.it doesn’t matter what type-it knocks you off your feet when you get your diagnosis.People mean well but to be honest, unless they get it themselves they really wouldn’t understand.I’m sorry you’re having a down day and hood tomorrow you feel a bit brighter

kittenkipping · 04/09/2022 22:19

I completely understand how you feel, but I also see where they come from- I had breast cancer 7 years ago, caught very quickly and whenever anyone would pity me or worry themselves about me- I'd say "it's the best kind! They just lopped it off! Nothing to worry about!" And I clung to that, not positive thought, but the only not negative thing I could think at the time, and it worked. For me. It wasn't until a year later really that the emotional and mental impact hit. I think people are not trying to minimise, but rather cling desperately to the only non negative. There's nothing good or positive or even hopeful about any cancer. It's Cancer. The big C. The impact os more than physical even after recovery. But people are just trying to find a positive thing to say.

Regardless, you are entirely entitled to feel how you do. And I wish you the absolute best on recovery and for your family.

PremiumPiglet · 04/09/2022 22:22

Do you think that it is survivor guilt?
I had this- lots of people died when I had a major illness- literally next to me and I lived.

I found that quite hard about 2 years later- probably when I was really well enough to thinks about it.

mumda · 04/09/2022 22:35

You're entitled to your feelings. Do you have good access to a friendly ear?

Quincythequince · 04/09/2022 22:38

user10978876 · 04/09/2022 21:47

So last year I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and everyone has been telling me how its the best cancer to get as the treatment is easier than other cancers and the survival rate is high.
I have seen relatives/friends go through chemo and can see how horrible it is but having people tell me constantly how lucky I am makes me feel as if my cancer diagnosis should have been easy to deal with and it wasn't.
I'm having a bit of a wobble today feeling down and vulnerable. I just hate feeling like this. I very rarely talk about my cancer because it just doesn't feel that it needs to be talked about.

My SIL had this type and she got similar too, although she knew it was meant to be positive, it didn’t change the fact that she still had cancer.

Massive hugs OP 💐

NiceMcNicey · 04/09/2022 23:10

When my husband got cancer in our mid twenties I said repeatedly to people oh it's thebest kind to get and was always reassuring people. I wish in hindsight someone had just said to me well this is shit, because I just wanted to be able to say it was really shit without having to be perky about it. Always thought I'd be the kind of person running in a tutu to raise money and tall brightly about it all should something like this happen to us. Instead I refused to speak about it, buried it til it all came up 3 years later and now the silver lining I take is that when someone says they are going through a hard time I know I can be the person who let's thems say its shit when they need to. 14 years and 2 kids on husband has been all clear since lpand well but I wish I could go back to that diagnosis, get that 25 year old me a counsellor and explain to a trusted few people that I didnt want reassurance or niceties just the acknowledgment that actually yes cancer is a bit shit and the space to talk about it.

We know the facts and that things will likely be okay if we are given great statistics as you seem to have been, but cancer is still not a lucky thing to get. Husband had testicular cancer and needed one removed. He took it all in his stride, i didnt. The best thing someone said to me was a girl at work who said 'oh fuck!! oh well testicles are gross, who wants two anyway?' Made me laugh and didnt try and reassure me out of my feelings.

I would 100% have been the person trying to put a positive spin on news like this from someone before this all happened. People care and mean well, but it doesnt mean it's what you need in the moment.

Also I appreciate that I'm just talking from a spouse perspective, so cant truly appreciate how you're feeling. But if you are feeling a bit fucked off with it all, you are very entitled to do so. If you can leep talking to people who get it when you need to I think that might help. Big hugs xxx

Pea79 · 04/09/2022 23:30

How utterly insensitive people can be. Before I had cancer myself, I definitely did not know what to say to friends when they told me they had cancer, so I understand that aspect, but I sure as fuck wouldn't have dreamt of telling them they were lucky or had a good cancer. That's horrendous.

As others have said, it most likely does come from a place of well-meaning/positivity, but that doesn't really make it any better to actually hear the words.

It's awful to receive a cancer diagnosis, no matter what type or stage. Simply awful. I'm sorry that you've not had appropriate support from friends and family. I think a cancer diagnosis is something we carry with us forever. Anyone that hasn't been through it simply won't understand that. I hope you're on the road to recovery and are able to find some appropriate support, either online or in person. X

curlymom · 04/09/2022 23:49

So,sorry about your diagnosis. People want to say something, anything to make things better but this isn’t helping. My husband has a very treatable cancer but this hasn’t made this awful journey any easier. Even after a clear has been reached there are so many complex emotions to deal with. There are people,to talk to, you can choose the ones who help most. You can talk to Macmillan online or over the phone or anyone who is just a good listener. You are brave and good so keep fighting. X
do little things for you, whatever you like and makes you smile.