to feel this way about my cancer diagnosis

[user10978876]

So last year I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and everyone has been telling me how its the best cancer to get as the treatment is easier than other cancers and the survival rate is high.
I have seen relatives/friends go through chemo and can see how horrible it is but having people tell me constantly how lucky I am makes me feel as if my cancer diagnosis should have been easy to deal with and it wasn't.
I'm having a bit of a wobble today feeling down and vulnerable. I just hate feeling like this. I very rarely talk about my cancer because it just doesn't feel that it needs to be talked about.

People mean well but when they effectively prevent you from being able to validate your rightful feelings to your diagnosis & about your own cancer it’s really shit.

You have every right to feel the way you do & you shouldn’t have to feel grateful at all for the kind of cancer you have. It’s cancer & that is not a good thing regardless of the type.

Society seems programmed to do this esp when it comes to illness in general - be grateful, don’t complain, consider others’ worse off, be stoic, a hero, an inspiration. (I kind of think it’s a form of ableism).

I sympathise & would encourage you to get a tv shirt printed saying “I know it’s only thyroid cancer” on the front “And yes I’m really lucky”.

And tell them (in your head) how would they feel if they were going through what you are ? And to F off.

In solidarity.

Well anyone who talks about any treatment for cancer being easy is pretty ignorant for a start but I have no doubt they are trying to make you feel better. It sounds like you would benefit from talking to someone professionally, that way you are not trying to protect other people’s feelings, you can focus on your own. I stopped seeing my psychologist when I realised that I was paying her a fortune then basically doing a stand up routine to minimise the whole thing, she shouldn’t have let me.

Yanbu. My husband recently had skin cancer. One of the 'easily solvable' cancers.

The tests, the waiting, the diagnosis, the treatment, the check ups. All hell on earth, but at least he had one of the good ones eh!

The day I got my thyroid cancer diagnosis I got very, very drunk. It didn’t matter that it was a “good” cancer. I was barely an adult and I was scared.

the truth is there isn’t even a guarantee that your treatment will be easy. Mine ended up being complicated, but it was so long ago, they don’t even do the same treatment method anymore.

everyone’s cancer experience is different. It’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to be angry. It is impacting you life in a substantial way even if everything goes perfectly. You will spend the rest of your life as a cancer survivor. Even if it’s a cancer that you are likely to survive, it still does something to you mentally and physically. You also now probably get to do medication and follow-ups for the rest of your life.

@FriendOfDorothyGale of course that's utter shit, but it's still better than going through all that and getting one of the bad ones where you go through all that and die.
Not all cancer is equal, I'd rather have cancer with an 80% survival rate than one with a 5% survival rate. I'm sure anyone would.

That's not to say people saying that to you aren't hugely insensitive OP. I can well imagine it's from a place of being supportive but it can seem dismissive. You are allowed to be scared and talk about your feelings and call people out.

No cancer is good cancer, it changes your life forever. The fear never goes away 😔

I also found this frustrating when I was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and the treatment left me infertile. You're lucky it was caught when it was, you're lucky you didn't have to go through chemo (didn't have chemo because it's not medically proven to reduce the risk of recurrence), you're lucky you had already had one DC you shouldn't be sad about being infertile, you're lucky it hasn't come back.

There is nothing lucky about being diagnosed with cancer at 32 (or any age tbh) but people want to cling to hope and try to make you feel better. In reality, the best responses I got were the people that just said 'i'm sorry this really shit thing happened to you how can I help'. Unfortunately our society isn't very good at that.

I found solace on Instagram; accounts such as The Cancer Patient and Just Sit with It make you realise you're not alone in the way you're feeling and honestly give me a good chuckle some days. Sending hugs OP, you can DM me if you want to talk further.

I do feel that people tend to like minimizing things some times when actually it's no , this isn't 'good' at all on any level. It is frustrating
I'm sorry op, I wish you lots of luck.

Its amazing how many people think cancer begins and ends with chemo. They dont see the waiting for biopsy results, operations, drugs, radiotherapy, difficult medical choices, fear of death and the unknown or having to sit and watch loved ones sob when you tell them the news. I wish I had known before my breast cancer diagnosis that I would never be the same person again. That person dies the day you get the diagnosis. Speaking to other people with cancer really, really helps. I found that more helpfull than the therapy that my Macmillan nurse arranged for me( you can just ring up and ask for it, mine happened with 6 weeks, even during Covid). As pp said Maggies centres are great, or online chats or support are good as well. We hear you OP. ALL your feelings are valid.

I totally get where you’re coming from. DD had cancer at 11yo and it was almost like we were expected to be grateful that she “just” or “only” needed major surgery to remove the tumour. Of course we were relieved and grateful that she didn’t need chemo and didn’t lose her hair, but there should never have been an expectation that it was anything other than hell on earth for her and us.

Since 2019 I've had 3 salivary gland tumours, 5 surgeries and just finished a 30 session course of radiotherapy. I still feel like it's not real that twice it was cancer (first one benign). I'm 48. Ive 3 kids under 12. It's surreal. I'm waiting for reality it to hit.
All along its been, ah we'll just whip that out, each time clear margins, no lymph node involvement, surgically treated, radio this time to make sure it doesn't come back again again. Its all good really, no one has said any of it is actually life threatening, which is good...

But its still cancer. Twice.

Lots of people are so completely thrown by any mention of death, cancer, sex, menopause, etc, that they squawk out some excruciatingly crass and inappropriate response. It's their problem, not yours.

Completely agree !
I hate the minimized comments people make
It's become a trend and it's not that pleasant really.

I generally find most people dense and insufferable about anything that isn't "I'm fine thanks, you?".

I deal with it by not discussing anything which I'm sad about or struggling with with anyone except a counsellor.

People are fucking twats really.

My child was diagnosed with a neurological disability when he was two. In the 10 years that followed only one person has even just said, "oh that must be very hard" and let me say "it is, I feel very sad". One fucking person!!

It is very insensitive to say that to you. You have cancer, it doesn't matter if your chances are better than other types, it is a huge, huge thing to go through at any age. I am so sorry you have been on the receiving end of such shitty responses to what must have been life changing news.
I would spend time with people that are gentle and kind, and supportive. Not coming out with soundbites to make themselves feel better. I found the Macmillan helpline (telephone line) so so helpful, no one minimises what you are going through. I am sorry op, and so hope your road to recovery is as smooth as it possibly can be, and I don't blame you one bit for feeling as you do.

DH had lymphoma a few years ago, very treatable. But it was fucking awful. All of it. And in the midst of his treatment I'd get really fed up of friends saying "he'll be fine! It's so treatable! If you could choose a cancer you'd choose that one!"

It irritated me. I know they meant well and were being positive and I'd likely say the same to a friend going through it. But I just felt like it minimised his/our experience. It was hell! The worry, the what ifs, the intense treatment that would wipe him out for days. Looking at him and seeing the shell of my husband. It took me a while to realise actually, I needed to wallow in self pity sometimes. And that's okay.

Brene Brown says it well, she says an empathetic response rarely starts with an 'at least', 'at least' it's not

Eek!
Brene Brown says it well, she says an empathetic response rarely starts with an 'at least', 'at least' it's a better cancer. What you need from your friends/family is just to come alongside you and think about how this feels for you.

I’ve had melanoma twice and “only” required surgery (followed by years of examinations and periodic removal of suspicious moles, and being rejected as a blood donor and the worry that I will have passed some kind of genetic susceptibility to my children).

I hate that I feel bad even thinking it compares when other people have “worse” kinds of cancer and so I tend to minimize it.

Cancer is a bastard. Once you’ve had it, it’s hanging there forever. I don’t have any useful advice, but I can empathize with what you’re going through in a way that someone who’s never had cancer probably can’t.

Do you want to talk about what specific aspects you found particularly difficult? Mine unfolded over years as it gradually dawned on me that this was going to follow me forever. It really hit home when I was told at 24 that I wasn’t going to be able to donate blood again, ever. I felt dirty, that they didn’t want my blood.

Have you had any awful and unexpected realizations, or things that hurt especially, or brought it home? This is as good a place to vent as any.

@PriOn1

I think the hardest part has been realising that my body can't do what it use to do and adapting to a new normal. I get ill more often now and it takes much longer to recover. When I do feel unwell it brings back the memories of the cancer if the symptoms are similar eg fatigue, dizziness.

Just wanted to send you a virtual hug❤

Oh that does sound tough. Are you likely (to an extent) to stop getting ill more often, or is that a permanent change?

Reaching that new normal takes a long time. With hindsight, I wish I’d had counselling, though I don’t think it was recognised back then, just how much having that diagnosis could affect mental health.

I think we've become a bit desensitised (is that the right word?) about

Oops posted too soon!
I think we might have become a bit desensitised about Cancer. We've gone from feeling it is usually an absolute death sentence to being absolutely amazed by what treatment can often do now even when it looks hopeless. Education is much better, most people probably have some knowledge or can quickly Google. Most people know someone who has had it. Responses can be banal and mixed, not always what an individual needs. Sometimes you have to say it how it is and what you need from others. Hope you are OK OP ,sorry this has happened to you.