I'm not okay.

[FeatherBlower]

How do you relieve stress when you can't fix the issues that are causing you stress?

I'm not sleeping, my toddler son may have a serious health issue, I have minus pounds in my account, I have insomnia, I am developing a stress-related eating disorder, I hate myself, I have no family around and few friends, my husband is working away and cannot come back (forces).

Stress is getting to me and I don't know how to deal with it. What steps do I take to try and make myself better? I don't know how to fix it. Please don't suggest that I go on drugs from the GP, I have had them previously and they made me unwell. I want to try and get things under control a little bit more first.

You have to ask for help. You won't be able to do this completely alone.

Sorry you're feeling so crap 💐

I find it helpful to write the things down that are affecting you and put a cross through the things you cant do anything about and the ones you can control, brainstorm for ways to improve them. If the worst things you're imagining are going to happen, you're putting yourself through it twice and if they dont happen you worried for nothing.

Breathe, watch easy tv, organise cupboards and clothes maybe to sell/donate/chuck. Maybe get a referral for some counselling just to have someone to talk to. I used to be very anxious and i suffer with my sleep aswell but i find productivity really helps me personally.

Your husband’s unit should have a welfare officer - they can help you through all the things in place to support you with the financial and possible health issues. Make contacting them your first priority.

Take a deep breath
You need to ask for help

Can you go back to GP and ask for counseling? Or explain re the drugs and see what alternative options there are?

Contact citizens advice and make sure you are definitely getting all the benefits and discounts you are entitled to

Keep in touch with the few friends as you need a support network. Are you close enough to any of them to be honest about how you are doing?

So sorry you are going through such a rough patch

OK, the sleep is the biggest issue. If you can’t sleep you start to spiral.

Can anyone have your toddler to let you (if all else sleep-hygiene-wise fails) take a sleeping tablet and get a decent nights rest?

There isn’t anyone who can have my son to let me sleep sadly. The waitlist for counselling is two years and I was told I wasn’t a priority, so I’ll just have to wait. That’s why I was hoping for some ideas on here, from other mothers. When I look online it’s all about yoga and meditation etc, but who can do that. When you have a young child running about the place, cooking and housework to do? There’s no time for long baths or daily journaling. I’ve even see people suggest getting up at 5am before the kids but I’m so exhausted as I’m awake half the night that I’m not sure this would be the best thing to do. I’m too nervous to take anything help me sleep as if anything happens with my little one I’d have to be alert to deal with it.

OK, no sleeping tablets.

In that case, how is your night time routine for getting to sleep - is it that you struggle to fall asleep, or stay asleep? Have you suffered with it on and off through your life or is this new and anxiety/parenting related?

Could you get the LO in a buggy and get out for a long walk? The housework can wait, you might find you are tired enough when you get back to have a doze. I say this as an insomniac for the past 20 odd years, I know what its like to be too tired to sleep, and to be unable to stop your thoughts whirring in your head at 3am.

You don't need to join a two year waiting list for counselling. Call an agency, many will offer counselling for a reduced fee due to limited means. Or you can pay someone and find a good counsellor on the BACP.

You need to be able to talk through your fears for your son, your stress levels and anything else that is causing pain. You should then be able to sleep more soundly because you feel supported.

If you won't take medication, won't consider counselling seriously, won't consider help to sleep and can't do things like yoga etc then I think maybe it is a mindset issue, and you need a reset so you can approach problems positively again.

I would absolutely get in touch with the programme - trying to think of the name someone help out here, where they send you a lovely person to help out. A free and voluntary service to help mothers that need sleep/struggling or new to motherhood. This could be perfect for you.

I agree with the pp that sleep is probably the best thing to start with.

So, no screens 1 hr before bed.
Why can't you sleep? Is it thoughts running through your head? Is your room dark and cool enough?
I find podcasts GREAT for falling asleep to. There's even one called sleep with me. My sister likes the calm app - something about Stephen Fry and lavender? Failing that you can buy melatonin over the counter in the UK.

Found it:

www.home-start.org.uk/

Strap the toddler into his buggy & walk, walk , walk, walk. Try to find a field/playpark along the way where he can run around safely.

the fresh air & exercise will help you sleep

i have a funny feeling you're going to say you don't have time.

think about it before you say it! Can you make even half an hour to do it? Can you walk instead of drive somewhere?

though being in London you might do that anyway.

fresh air & walking realky is the best therapy! Even (nNo, especially) when you're 'too tired' and 'too busy'

sleeping tablets wouldn't make you too zoned out to wake & deal with DS. They help you go to sleep, they don't make you 'knocked out'

wjy do you hate yourself? Have you done something unwise? (Like an affair or something?).

I like a rain noise when I can’t sleep, there are a few free apps you can try. Everything looks better when you sleep! Try and get fresh air mid afternoon (walk with your kid or park or something), no screens for an hour before bed, a warm shower if you can, try and make a relaxing tidy space in your room, believe that you WILL wake if you’re kid needs you. You may be holding yourself awake subconsciously because you worry you won’t wake if he cries. Mine is 11 and I still wake if she makes an odd noise - no matter how deeply asleep I am (no other noises wake me, just her!!)

Try to eat regularly and we’ll - you can see your eating is disordered so you know what is wrong. Fake it until you make it with this one! Eat 3 regular meals and 2 small snacks even if you don’t want to…. Drive yourself to accept the normal eating pattern.

To look after your son you need to care for yourself too!

@FeatherBlower if not the Unit Welfare Officer, you can go direct to SSAFA or the relevant Benevolent Fund for whichever Service your husband is with - there are grants available that they can help you apply for. Easing those financial worries would be one less thing off your shoulders and might make everything else feel more manageable.

www.ssafa.org.uk/get-help/forcesline

I go to sleep fine but then wake a bit later and am awake for hours. I don’t have screens in bed, I’ve tried white/brown/pink noise, calming music, headspace when I got a free trial, boring radio. None of it helps, my brain just goes round and round. I have a dark room, a decent mattress that I got using that thing at the bed shop that tests you for the right mattress (before my finances went tits up) don’t think I’m too hot. I didn’t know you could buy melatonin, I wish I knew that. I bought some very expensive tart cherry juice in desperation only to discover it has 20g of sugar with every cup so it’s still sat in the fridge.

I can’t afford to pay for any kind of counselling at the moment.

what’s the service thing? Is it free? It would be so lovely to have some support, I’ll try and Google.

I am happy to try things to help me sleep, but the drugs made me really miserable (it was sertraline?) and coming off then was hell and I just want to see if I can try other ways of getting my head together first!

We have a dog so we go out for walks at least twice a day and then my toddler is always in the park or out on his bike etc. I’m a really outdoors person and so is my son, so we are outside more than in. I haven’t had an affair or any such thing. I just hate how disorganised I am. I hate that I’m struggling financially, it’s my own stupid fault for spending out on private health care to try and sort my sons issue which has amounted to nothing and I’m back at the NHS gp, it’s all really complicated. I hate that I’m not a really together mum. I hate that I lost my rag with my child today and that I cried when he couldn’t see me. I just feel like I’m fucking up and I want to sort myself out for him.

Thank you, I’ll look into this tonight

Thank you. The problem I have is I’ve become reliant on sugar. It’s becoming like a terrible circle, the more exhausted I am the more I eat surgery things but I imagine that’s then impacts me over night. I can’t seem to break. It’s like I’m addicted, I can’t go a day without. I don’t have caffeine or alcohol. Nordo I smoke.

OP, ForcesLine is open 9-5 Mon-Fri, so give them a call in the morning or use the chat function if it’s easier. Hope they can help you out, it sounds like you’re doing a pretty great job in difficult circumstances, don’t be too hard on yourself.

Contact your GP and request counselling

I hate that I’m not a really together mum. I hate that I lost my rag with my child today and that I cried when he couldn’t see me. I just feel like I’m fucking up and I want to sort myself out for him.

Oh love. We’ve all had days like these, I promise. There’s not a mother alive who hasn’t (and if they deny it they’ve just blanked it out now their kids are older!)

You’re not fucking up. You’re just tired and stressed.

Acknowledging that is the big first step - don’t let all the other worries pile on top to make it bigger than it is. You’re tired, and worried about your DS. You can’t help being worried. It is what it is. Try some ‘radical acceptance’ of the situation- “I am tired and worried but I am OK and my DS is OK. I will try to sleep tonight but if I wake up I’ll get up and make a hot drink and read a book. It’s OK if I’m tired tomorrow, DS and I will have a day watching TV in the afternoon… etc etc”

Talk yourself through it with kind acceptance.

Hi @FeatherBlower
The sugar thing, I would try not to buy it & then you CAN'T eat it. I do stuff my face with nuts which are high calorie but at least good for me!
Next, WHY are you always cooking & cleaning if your DH is away? No medals for that.. take it easy, be kind to yourself, play with your boy!

Of course you're cross because your money is limited, but wouldn't we ALL try & spend our way out of a child's illness? Really & truly, don't blame yourself for going private, you did the best you could with funds available. I hope you soon have answers. (And a better bank balance.)

Of course you lost your temper with your toddler because you're stressed out.. well, news, we've probably ALL done the same! Don't be so HARD on yourself.

Meds, well they don't suit everyone, but there are different ones apart from Sertraline.. don't rule them out. Once you've got some of the above sorted, you'll find you're sleeping better, but for now, what helped me was an invention of my own, every time I started thinking 'in circles' & it wouldn't leave me alone, I'd say 'STOP' to myself & picture a stop roadsign in my head. It became so second nature that after a while, I didn't need it any more.

I hope your DH is being supportive, you don't mention him, but I would try not to worry him too much with it & use us MN's instead.
Some of us are here night & day! Good luck..

Do you not have a community of forces wives who could help to watch your son to give you a break or to just chat to and have play dates? Surely the Forces can provide you with some support as a members wife?

As others say fixing sleep is the most important first step. My mood can spiral if I don't sleep well. Like you I wake often, which I think is due to hormonal fluctuations.

There are non addictive sleep aids that you can buy over the counter. Pherghan is one. It was an old fashioned hay-fever tablet that just helps your sleep pattern.

Try a tiny dose...like half a tablet and see how it goes - it works for many people and GP recommended it to me.