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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not okay.

58 replies

FeatherBlower · 04/09/2022 16:12

How do you relieve stress when you can't fix the issues that are causing you stress?

I'm not sleeping, my toddler son may have a serious health issue, I have minus pounds in my account, I have insomnia, I am developing a stress-related eating disorder, I hate myself, I have no family around and few friends, my husband is working away and cannot come back (forces).

Stress is getting to me and I don't know how to deal with it. What steps do I take to try and make myself better? I don't know how to fix it. Please don't suggest that I go on drugs from the GP, I have had them previously and they made me unwell. I want to try and get things under control a little bit more first.

OP posts:
StandUpStraight · 04/09/2022 18:27

Hugs OP. My children are older but I really struggled when my first was small. Please try and talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend. The negative self talk will definitely be having an effect - give yourself a break. You have a lot going on.

Have you tried magnesium and a b vitamin complex? Both are very good for mood and sleep. I wouldn’t be without magnesium at bed time now.

Bagzzz · 04/09/2022 18:33

Could you try journaling or just noting down on paper what your worries when you wake up at night just a few minutes.

WhatWouldHopperDo · 04/09/2022 18:34

re the sleep, I am a chronic insomniac and the best advice I ever got was when I had CBT. The idea is to go to bed and see it as rest no matter whether you sleep or
not. If you can’t sleep, prop yourself up on pillows so you are half sitting. Then listen to something, put the tv on but quietly, read, do a crossword. Anything that stops you from thinking. If you accept you may not sleep, it reduces that stress feeling of wondering when you’re going to fall asleep.

Also, Google and see if MIND has a branch local to you. Our local one has an advice line and loads of groups/drop ins and they can hook you up with whichever service locally is free and has the shortest waiting time. It might still be a wait but hopefully less than 2 years.

Also I have to echo the PP who says walking and fresh air is a must.

Sorry you’re having such a tough time @FeatherBlower , I hope things improve soon x

GemmaEdKitten · 04/09/2022 18:35

I've been really ill with not similar but equally awful stressors. I'm feeling a bit better. What's helping

  • exercise. You can do it at home or in your local area
  • therapy... but I started it before I got a slot. Google CBT worksheets. There are free apps like gratitude journals. They take 5 mins of your day
  • I changed medications. It isn't easy. But it's possible.
  • talking to family and friends or even forums
  • daily (sometimes 5x daily) meditation and mindfulness.
My life objectively is pretty bad. I feel a lot better than I did a month ago. I'm proud of myself. You've got this.
Itsnevertheend · 04/09/2022 18:45

May have been mentioned but where is your partner in all this (I know he’s in forces) but financially , mentally and emotionally . If he’s away surely he supports you if your home all day. How old is your toddler ? Free childcare to get some days on your own, toddler groups are usually somewhat free. Our area the council has free/cheap play sessions that last a couple of hours.

theres lots of free mental health charities you can call and talk to as well, example ;

giveusashout
kooth
mind
clareandme

if you Google free mental health help then lots come up, even apps to help as well.

your local council will have support for families with financial difficulties as well you can access stuff like family fund if it’s still called that.

I can’t offer advice on your child’s health as this is personal and I don’t want to pry but just keep going and pushing.

PatienceHeatherstone · 04/09/2022 19:07

Hi op, I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling. This is a free text based counselling service; you could give it a try this evening: giveusashout.org/

SheWentWest · 04/09/2022 19:09

I had problems with staying asleep and finally gave in and tried sleepeaze over the counter sleep tablets. They worked for me and don't knock you out. I take them only a few times a week but it helps.

PatienceHeatherstone · 04/09/2022 19:11

Also, this is a free service that provides support to families with children under 5, especially where there are health issues: www.home-start.org.uk/about-us

For us they sent a volunteer to play with dc once a week and and I got to take a nap!! - once I knew it was working well. Dc loved it. They can also offer counselling type coffee and a chat for you, and probably other things besides.

I hope one of these options might help.

Greenginghamdress · 04/09/2022 19:37

Have you considering mirtazapine, OP? It's good for sorting anxiety and allowing you to relax at night and get some sleep. I used to get panic attacks and anxiety but that's now hopefully a thing of the past. I was offered sertraline too, but it's a different type of AD and didn't help me. Made me feel a bit me manic ...but it's worth persevering until you find what works for you.
Melatonin 5mg gummies from Biovea are good, USA based but they'll arrive within about a week.
Once you've had some sleep you'll hopefully feel better .

It's good that you enjoy plenty of outside time with your son.
Daily mindfulness, headspace or white noise, it only needs to be 10 mins a day.
Try to make sure you eat regularly. Magnesium supplements help.
Talk to people if you can, reach out.
Sending Flowers

AceSpades54321 · 04/09/2022 19:45

I’m so sorry you are going through such a tough time right now 😔 I wish I could do something to help you 💐

unicormb · 04/09/2022 20:10

Sugar really isn't the enemy here.

Original poster
FeatherBlower · 04/09/2022 20:12

unicormb · 04/09/2022 20:10

Sugar really isn't the enemy here.

It is when you realise just how much I consume. I’m binge eating. In secret. It’s getting out of control, it’s a stress response thing as well as an energy boost, I’m really worried in getting an eating disorder.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeatherBlower · 04/09/2022 20:12

AceSpades54321 · 04/09/2022 19:45

I’m so sorry you are going through such a tough time right now 😔 I wish I could do something to help you 💐

Thank you x

OP posts:
N0RKS · 04/09/2022 20:13

Valerian tablets work brilliantly at reducing anxiety and helping me to sleep.
it won’t solve everything, but it might help a little bit

Original poster
FeatherBlower · 04/09/2022 20:15

Greenginghamdress · 04/09/2022 19:37

Have you considering mirtazapine, OP? It's good for sorting anxiety and allowing you to relax at night and get some sleep. I used to get panic attacks and anxiety but that's now hopefully a thing of the past. I was offered sertraline too, but it's a different type of AD and didn't help me. Made me feel a bit me manic ...but it's worth persevering until you find what works for you.
Melatonin 5mg gummies from Biovea are good, USA based but they'll arrive within about a week.
Once you've had some sleep you'll hopefully feel better .

It's good that you enjoy plenty of outside time with your son.
Daily mindfulness, headspace or white noise, it only needs to be 10 mins a day.
Try to make sure you eat regularly. Magnesium supplements help.
Talk to people if you can, reach out.
Sending Flowers

Thank you. I’ve dug out some contaminated with magnesium and taken a couple tonight and I’m laying with my window open just listening to the rain, going to put my phone down once I’ve sent messages. Thanks for the melatonin tip, I’ll take a look when I can afford to purchase some. Going to Google your medication suggestion too. I’m just freaked out by the severe response I had to sertraline and would love to do this medication free if I can. I just feel like all the threads are unraveling and I need to stop them before I can start mending them, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
FeatherBlower · 04/09/2022 20:15

PatienceHeatherstone · 04/09/2022 19:11

Also, this is a free service that provides support to families with children under 5, especially where there are health issues: www.home-start.org.uk/about-us

For us they sent a volunteer to play with dc once a week and and I got to take a nap!! - once I knew it was working well. Dc loved it. They can also offer counselling type coffee and a chat for you, and probably other things besides.

I hope one of these options might help.

Thank you for this and to the other person who linked it, it looks great, I’m going to contact them in the morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeatherBlower · 04/09/2022 20:16

PatienceHeatherstone · 04/09/2022 19:07

Hi op, I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling. This is a free text based counselling service; you could give it a try this evening: giveusashout.org/

and for this! What amazing services I didn’t even know existed.

OP posts:
N0RKS · 04/09/2022 20:17

Sugar cravings go away in 24 hours. I know that sounds horrendous, but the first day you manage to let go will feel AMAZING

Original poster
FeatherBlower · 04/09/2022 20:19

Itsnevertheend · 04/09/2022 18:45

May have been mentioned but where is your partner in all this (I know he’s in forces) but financially , mentally and emotionally . If he’s away surely he supports you if your home all day. How old is your toddler ? Free childcare to get some days on your own, toddler groups are usually somewhat free. Our area the council has free/cheap play sessions that last a couple of hours.

theres lots of free mental health charities you can call and talk to as well, example ;

giveusashout
kooth
mind
clareandme

if you Google free mental health help then lots come up, even apps to help as well.

your local council will have support for families with financial difficulties as well you can access stuff like family fund if it’s still called that.

I can’t offer advice on your child’s health as this is personal and I don’t want to pry but just keep going and pushing.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t told him anything. I don’t know if this is because I don’t think he’ll understand (he doesn’t really seem to ‘get’ mental health issues when we’ve discussed it in the past…) or because I don’t want to concern him. I haven’t told him about the debt I’m in. He thinks everything is fine finance-wise. He pays money into a joint account which covers most bills and then puts the rest into savings because he wants to leave his job and start again in a new house. I guess I am scared and I just need to talk to him and work through it all together.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeatherBlower · 04/09/2022 20:21

N0RKS · 04/09/2022 20:17

Sugar cravings go away in 24 hours. I know that sounds horrendous, but the first day you manage to let go will feel AMAZING

Do they? Wow. I just need to get through 24 hours then…sugar has become a mental crutch as well as a physical one if that makes sense. It’s becoming a comfort which is awful, but I don’t seem to do much for myself or have any time for personal things. I know I’m probably over complicating all this mothering stuff and I just need to hit the reset button with a different perspective

OP posts:
AFineBalance · 04/09/2022 20:22

Good luck with magnesium, was going to suggest. Plus a second vote for Valeriano - tablets or tea

good luck. Sorry it’s been tough for you

Bagzzz · 04/09/2022 20:23

Greenginghamdress · 04/09/2022 19:37

Have you considering mirtazapine, OP? It's good for sorting anxiety and allowing you to relax at night and get some sleep. I used to get panic attacks and anxiety but that's now hopefully a thing of the past. I was offered sertraline too, but it's a different type of AD and didn't help me. Made me feel a bit me manic ...but it's worth persevering until you find what works for you.
Melatonin 5mg gummies from Biovea are good, USA based but they'll arrive within about a week.
Once you've had some sleep you'll hopefully feel better .

It's good that you enjoy plenty of outside time with your son.
Daily mindfulness, headspace or white noise, it only needs to be 10 mins a day.
Try to make sure you eat regularly. Magnesium supplements help.
Talk to people if you can, reach out.
Sending Flowers

if you binge eat then mirtazipine may not be suitable but doesn’t mean there isn’t anything else if you do consider medication. It’s important that your doctors know about the eating issues - I know about concerns about this drug (as a patient) but not others.

RAFOfficer · 04/09/2022 20:28

@FeatherBlower i know it might be an uncomfortable chat to have, but it sounds like you really need to talk to him about the money situation - it’s not right for him to be putting money into savings while you’re struggling with debt. Hopefully he’s the type of man who thinks of you both as a team and will want to work together to make it all right again.

thetemptationofchocolate · 04/09/2022 20:29

I have a similar sleep pattern in that I get to sleep OK but often wake in the small hours and fret over things. It does make it hard to go back to sleep.
I have found that keeping a pad & pen next to my bed has really helped. If I find my mind is racing round with too many things, I write them all down. Usually once it's written down I can go back to sleep as I don't need to think about them any more - they're written there for me to look at later. I know it sounds a bit odd but it worked for me and it's cheap!

felulageller · 04/09/2022 20:43

You sound disconnected and that is the main underlying cause of stress and depression. Bad things do happen but when we are connected we have the resilience to fight it and carry on.

No one can solve all the problems alone.