AIBU to ask for urgent advice, is my neighbour a stalker.

[CandyFloss35]

I have name changed as for anybody that knows me this is very outing but I am extremely worried, the man is very strange and seems obsessed with watching my house and the people in it. I will list a few examples and please tell me if you think this is stalking and how I should deal with it.

• Following us in the car.
• If he over hears the kids saying we are doing an activity say ice skating he turns up.
• Watches us in the garden from the back bedroom window, every time someone is outside.
• comes out of his house when it is dark and listens and looks at our windows. (I know he does this as have a ring doorbell, my house is the last house on the road just trees at the end and no houses opposite as it’s a one sided lane so only my house he could be looking at.) He has rang the bell (I did not answer ) he called me a “stuck up evil c**)
• He has rang social services more than 5 times since the start of July reporting nonsense. (They investigated by ringing school, GP, police visits to the address etc etc first time everything was ok, malicious call no further action.) They now just ring me to say he has done it again for my own records.
• He rang the police and reported someone from my household verbally abusing him, but he wasn’t sure who it was or if it was an adult or child but they definitely lived at our address. The police saw straight through this but he insisted they came round for a chat which they did. The police gave us advice on how to deal with him but said it’s best not to aggravate the situation by reporting him formally and we should try and keep the peace. I have evidence of the verbal abuse, him watching my house, him plotting outside my front door about setting us us up with the police, I reported him at ice skating for following my kids around the rink trying to talk to them. I could film him watching us out the bedroom window but I think that is possibly illegal.

I am scared and as the police are being useless, I am at a loss of what to do, if anyone has any experience please could you advise.

Move.

Moving isn’t a solution or a quick fix, house sales and purchases take time. Plus with the higher interest rates I would be much worse off financially.

Oh what a nightmare. Log everything he does and keep the Ring footage. I think the advice not to aggravate him is shoddy tbh and you should make a formal complaint, he needs to be told to stop.

You are being harassed and stapled. The advice from the police is utter crap. You need to report this behaviour to the police. Have you discussed this behaviour with other neighbours? Is this new behaviour from him? Does he live alone? How old is he?

Stapled? Meant stalked!

The police need to do their fucking job. Idle sods.

The advice from the police is awful. You need to insist they deal with this properly.
There is also a national stalking advice organisation, give them a call and talk through your concerns and ask for advice

www.suzylamplugh.org/refer-someone-to-us

I would keep trying the police. Write down every single incident that's happened and relay it to them no matter how time consuming that is. If they still will not take it seriously I would take it in to my own hands. I'm assuming you don't have a husband /male partner or presumably they would have gotten involved by now. So find someone to sort it, that might mean paying them but needs must.

He lives with a partner and 4 kids, she can be verbally abusive also but she doesn’t do any of the other strange behaviour. At a guess I would say he is mid 40’s.

www.suzylamplugh.org/am-i-being-stalked-tool

Wtf?? You're meant to put up with his shit behaviour not to upset him? What about you being upset? Honestly, that's shit advice from the police.

Keep all evidence. Contact a charity that helps victims of stalking if the police are still useless.

I would say something to the wife, it could be she doesn't know.
Though in all honesty I would look to move. I couldn't live my life next to someone who kept doing that

Thank you I will try that helpline. I do have a husband and dc, I haven’t told him the extent of the situation as he will go storming round there and end up the one getting arrested. Dh works 4 on 3 off 13 hour night shifts he leaves for work at 3:30pm and arrives home at 5:20am so isn’t here at night when it worse and sleeps during the day. I am just very scared and feel I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You shouldn't 'take matters into your own hands' or ask a husband/friend to go and threaten him. Don't give this man ammunition to use against you with the police.

If you want some good advice you could also listen to the podcast called 'the followers'.

What do you mean you haven't told your husband the extent of it?? It's the first thing I'd have done???

@scoopoftheday by that I mean he knows the man is strange and is in dh words paranoid. He is aware he reported us/me to social services he was extremely angry and was wanted to go marching round there then. He knows the police came here to discuss the man’s stupid allegations but that’s it I haven’t told him the rest which writing it down does sound silly but unless you have been in this situation you just can’t fully understand the feeling of dread all the time.

It’s got to the point of me being scared to leave the house as he just appears out on my drive and stares. This has been going on for nearly a year and I feel I have turned into a shell of my former self and find it hard to sleep even tho I am exhausted. I no longer sit downstairs watching TV when dh is at work, I sit in my bedroom with all the lights off once dc are in bed because I am scared. I feel like a prisoner in my own home and want the police to do their job as I am really struggling with it.

The police saw straight through this but he insisted they came round for a chat which they did. The police gave us advice on how to deal with him but said it’s best not to aggravate the situation by reporting him formally and we should try and keep the peace.

FFS he's harassing you and the Police clearly recognise this but popped round to placate him and whilst the were there suggested you should try to keep the peace.

I'm furious for you and would make a formal complaint against your neighbour and the police if they continue to be absolutely fucking useless. Social Services have notified you not because they think they need to be involved but to make sure you have a complete record of his harassment.

I think you need to make a formal complaint to the Police about your neighbour and find out what your options are WRT legal action to make him stop. You may need an assertive friend to help advocate for you if you feel the police are brushing you off.

I'm really sorry you are being let down so badly by the police. Make no mistake, whatever they say they are being useless. Probably too busy on Twitter looking for thought criminals to harass.

You need to tell your husband but before you tell him brief him that he's going to be angry but he needs to think smart and not go and balls it up. Maybe if he has a brother, cousin or close friend get them round when you tell him so they can stop him doing anything rash.

We had this and we had to move, losing out financially but it was necessary. The police won't help you. An injunction is highly unlikely to help you because the threshold for a breach is so high, it's easy for him to make your lives hell without technically falling foul of it. There is no quick fix, I promise. The only thing you can do is sell up and hope you can get out of there before you start to become emotionally unwell. This will take a toll on your children's health and safety too. Honestly you have to leave.

You need to tell your husband the extent of it, if you're worried he's going to go in all guns blazing, tell him when you're not at home.
Then you both need to speak to the police
It's sounds like you are really suffering. I hope the SL stalking line can offer you some good advice.
You are downplaying his behaviour as a protection mechanism which is entirely understandable.

Another one saying move. You absolutely shouldn't have to but unless you can get the police to offer some actual support there aren't many other options.

How old are your children, are they at the age of leaving/arriving home alone? If not you need to be away before that stage.

Also the fact that he is savy re police and social services show that he's not the type who will be scared off and go back in his box if a light is shone on him. He's happy to lie, scheme deviously, play a game and he's obsessive. He's not going to stop. We don't have a legal system that can declaw him unless you're famous, he doesn't live next door and he's doing things that a judge would find criminal. This low level string of coincidences, loitering and the odd moment of intemperate language from a neighbour is never going to be seen for what it really is by the eyes of the law. It's not fair but you have to go because your presence is like oxygen for an addiction to him. If you're feeling like you need urgent help, it's rattling you to the point that you're desperate. Ok, that's bad. Fast forward and consider how you'll feel in exactly the same circumstances (but with a longer harassment diary) in twenty weeks. Because you will get there if you don't make a choice to leave.

This is absolutely not acceptable by the police and they have not recognised it as stalking rather than a neighbour dispute.
Fixated
Obsessive
Unwanted
Repeated

The fact that SS are now treating it as a malicious complaint should raise warning flags for the police.

Paladin offer stalking advocacy services and will stick up for you with the police.
Stalking protection orders are available
The fact your behaviour has changed and it's affecting your MH cannot go on.
Please please seek help

Another one echoing that I would probably move, it sounds very stressful for you all and I don't think this is something that will go away.