AIBU to ask for urgent advice, is my neighbour a stalker.

[CandyFloss35]

I have name changed as for anybody that knows me this is very outing but I am extremely worried, the man is very strange and seems obsessed with watching my house and the people in it. I will list a few examples and please tell me if you think this is stalking and how I should deal with it.

• Following us in the car.
• If he over hears the kids saying we are doing an activity say ice skating he turns up.
• Watches us in the garden from the back bedroom window, every time someone is outside.
• comes out of his house when it is dark and listens and looks at our windows. (I know he does this as have a ring doorbell, my house is the last house on the road just trees at the end and no houses opposite as it’s a one sided lane so only my house he could be looking at.) He has rang the bell (I did not answer ) he called me a “stuck up evil c**)
• He has rang social services more than 5 times since the start of July reporting nonsense. (They investigated by ringing school, GP, police visits to the address etc etc first time everything was ok, malicious call no further action.) They now just ring me to say he has done it again for my own records.
• He rang the police and reported someone from my household verbally abusing him, but he wasn’t sure who it was or if it was an adult or child but they definitely lived at our address. The police saw straight through this but he insisted they came round for a chat which they did. The police gave us advice on how to deal with him but said it’s best not to aggravate the situation by reporting him formally and we should try and keep the peace. I have evidence of the verbal abuse, him watching my house, him plotting outside my front door about setting us us up with the police, I reported him at ice skating for following my kids around the rink trying to talk to them. I could film him watching us out the bedroom window but I think that is possibly illegal.

I am scared and as the police are being useless, I am at a loss of what to do, if anyone has any experience please could you advise.

Justasmallgless

Please don't encourage the poster to stay and fight her corner. There is a lot of talk about the evils of stalking but the reality is that a great deal of stalking is tolerated before it becomes something to press charges about (the op isn't near even if you think she should be) and even if convicted it's highly unlikely to be an effective deterrent with truly negative consequences. The charity you mentioned can't do much. There are women out there living in fear of their lives due to stalking exes and charities like this are more for them.

I would certainly contact the police again. If they fail to act you can lodge a complaint. You can also contact your MP. I would also advise contacting a solicitor who deals with harassment, and/or the CAB. Frankly, the more noise you make the more likely the police are to act.

Collect all evidence. Look at getting CCTV around your property, and floodlights. Make it an unattractive proposition for him.

Sorry to disagree but there is more than sufficient there for a charge and conviction.
Stalking is not just for domestic abuse cases, indeed 50% of reported offences are not.
The poster is living in fear of this man and it's affecting her life.
He is making multiple calls to agencies about her which seems to be an escalation.

It is OP decision what she chooses to do and I am merely pointing out there are other places where she can get support from.

It is a crime of stalking and should be recorded as such. I suspect it's been written off by the cops as a neighbour dispute which it isn't

You're just wrong justasmall. Perhaps it should be enough (I agree!) but it won't be. Even if it was, the effects would be questionable.

If she contacts a solicitor (and she may at great personal expense and if she has video evidence get a civil injection which will be next to worthless unless the unlikely event of her recording a major breach) the police will use the civil action as a reason to withdraw. MP will simply ask the police what they're doing and perhaps inform op about a civil injunction. Bottom line this guy won't be going to prison at this level and he won't be stopping either.

injunction

@Butterdishtea I'm wrong in your opinion 🤷🏼‍♀️

Merely pointing out facts and information to assist the OP in deciding her next steps as she has already said she will be financially worse off by moving.

No one said he would go to prison, but stalking protection orders are there for a reason. To protect victims of stalking.
And as I said, there are independent witness ie SS, the ice rink etc.
It's life changing for her so please don't minimise

As per previous poster I would suggest Paladin

www.paladinservice.co.uk/

Also do they own their house? If it is council or housing association, you could report the behaviour to them as it would be a breach of their tenancy due to being anti social behaviour.

They can then work with you and the police to address the issue and can also look at civil proceedings such as an injunction but wouldn't be at cost to you.

Also if you feel you reports are not being taken seriously by the police you can escalate this through their complaints process or you could contact the local council and ask to speak to their anti social behaviour team and ask them to review the actions taken through the community trigger process.

If you Google community trigger and the name of your local council, you will find more details of how this works I. Your area.

Stalking often escalates and there is a misconception that it is often between those known to each other or have been in a relationship but this is not always the case. Stalking is obsessive behaviour and anyone can be target for any number of reasons. Just because it's a neighbour not a partner doesn't mean you are any less at risk.

Bright outside motion lights?

l was stalked by a neighbour, the police were good in how they dealt with it, they arrested him and he was remanded in custody and found guilty at trial.
l cannot understand why the police are reluctant to get involved, it is very concerning. l would try and get as much evidence as you can, write everything down, tell your other neighbours to keep an eye out. l installed security cameras, but you need to be careful as police tried to put camera in my garden but couldn't due to some sort of breach of privacy. Thankfully he has moved now but l have seen him out and about a couple of times and it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I'm not remotely minimising just. In fact I think it's crucial that she doesn't listen to the misinformation peddled about so she realises her only option is to leave. Trauma counselling and civil injunctions (especially if he gets legal aid) are both extremely expensive. Your well meaning pipe dream will not alleviate her situation. Stalkers like this are not put off by a piece of paper or police visit and judges often don't look kindly on neighbourly disputes anyway (very difficult to get them to see this as anything else regardless of evidence). The law does not protect victims in the way it claims to unless you're famous.

Tell your husband!

If he goes round and has a go at the creep so much the better.

I'm so sorry this is happening. You need to tell your husband everything (as a PP suggested, away from the house), speak to your GP, speak to the Suzy Lampugh Trust that has been suggested, keep contacting the police, keep a record. If the police are still unhelpful, contact your MP and/or your local PCC.

Although I don't agree with how the police dealt with the inital visit,the Police's first job is to keep the peace. Essentially, they are peace officers, so the advice you were given came from a slightly good place. However you are completely entitled to report harrassment to the police. You must however provide evidence if you want them to prosecute. I'd install ring doorbells, CCTV, reverse dash cam and take photos / videos of him if you see him at the icerink etc...
Oddly, tell your GP as well. Tell them you are feeling scared, and you are worried for your children. Tell the school. If you get nowhere with the Police then tell your MP and the PCC.

Are his actions aimed at just you? Or your husband too?

The police gave us advice on how to deal with him but said it’s best not to aggravate the situation by reporting him formally and we should try and keep the peace.

That was shit advice & whichever officer gave it needs some urgent retraining.

Get back in touch with them, & ask for somebody who has training in this area (stalking, abuse, harassment) to pick up your case. Explain what you have here, & request proper advice, including a verbal warning for the neighbour.

His behaviour definitely constitutes harassment.
If you get nowhere fast with the police, contact WA, The Suzy Lamplugh Trust, & your MP. This can be tackled, but you.agencies/police need to follow due process to get to the point of significant action on your behalf. So document everything (save ring doorbell footgage) - handwritten notes in a notebook is fine - with times & dates & a description of each incident. Don't worry that you cannot do that fully for the past behaviours - but make sure you do it from now on.

Social Services have notified you not because they think they need to be involved but to make sure you have a complete record of his harassment.

yes, keep a record of all SS interaction with you, with dates & times they followed up with updates about malicious reporting.

The advice from the police, although frustrating, probably means he's done this before. Possibly repeatedly.

A friend had a problem with a neighbour. She went to the police who told her the man was one of a very large local family known for criminality and if she made a formal complaint they would make her life a misery. They advised her just to try to ignore him.

It may be very difficult to do anything about this man. I'd ask neighbours, as they may give you very valuable information about his history and who else he may have persecuted.

I would be looking at moving.You shouldnt need to ,but he is intimidating you.The fact your DH works nights lets the creepy little bastard sneak around and scare you.What sort of person does this!

Will people stop telling her to move?

I agree the situation is awful, but if you can't afford to move, you can't afford to move!

The people offering other sources of support are being far more helpful.

I wish I could offer something concrete but others have said the best options.

Please move. There have been tragic news stories about Neighbours like this - the couple that were killed in front of their children either this year or the year before (?) because of issues with a creepy neighbour. Please don’t live like this anymore. Unfortunately the police are pretty useless in certain situations and don’t often help as much as they should. I really feel for you OP, it must be horrible having to live like that in your own home!

@Nanny0gg unfortunately with people like this, very little will actually stop them! What if interventions make the behaviour worse or puts them in danger? I would find any way I possibly could to move rather than live next to a psychopath like that who made me feel unsafe in my own home! You just don’t know what people are capable of, and unfortunately a lot of the time police and other agencies are useless!

You need to tell your dh everything that has been happening, so he can support you! I bet your creepy neighbour wouldn't do anything if your dh wasn't at home.

Maybe if your h goes out and shouts at him, the creepy neighbour will get a fright and not bother you again? He is a coward, picking on you, but please don't suffer in silence.

I'd also get motion-activated lights that go on whenever anyone gets close to the house, plus keep your Ring doorbell on.

This. They are fucking useless with anything like this. A friend had a similar issue but she was receiving nasty calls to her business. It ended up being the husband of one of her clients, she caught him out the only time he forgot to 141 the call. She reported him to the police who came out and said that them having a word would only escalate things but asked if her husband was a big bloke because it might be worth him going and giving him the hard word instead. Ffs.

This is utterly shit but you need to tell your dh exactly what is going on, you are not doing anyone any favours by minimising this. Next you need to keep reporting to the Police every time. They may be useless but if you keep reporting you will force them to act. If they still do nothing you need to escalate your complaint with your Crime Commissioner and your MP.

Another thought, do you have any neighbours you could confide in? My dh certainly wouldn’t stand by if he knew a woman and her dc were being harassed. He’d be straight out there every night telling the bloke to fuck off inside and stop bullying a lone woman.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I am too. Police about as useful as a chocolate fire guard. Look into the community trigger (Google your area + “community trigger”) and victim support. ITalk have been very good helping us too with not feeling as vulnerable.

these cases can go WAY too far and end up in physical harm and the police rock up afterwards and say lessons need to be learned blah blah blah. There’s more justice for the perpetrator imho.