Ex and girlfriend drinking while they have the children

[Kayos10]

I picked my children up from their dads this morning. I asked to grab a drink of water to take a tablet quickly before I left and my ex looked shifty and said the kitchens a dump. Went in to find what looked like a party had taken place. I said to his girlfriend blimey did you have a party last night? She said no so I asked is all this just yours and (ex' name) empties? She laughs and said it's been a long week. I counted at least 3 empty wine bottles and around 10 empty cider and beer cans. My ex has always been a heavy drinker and this was one of the reasons we split. But am aibu to be pissed off that they're clearly getting rat arsed while they have the children? I have noticed it and mentioned it before but to see the aftermath this morning is really bothering me.

You're being way too calm about this OP?

Well, which is it?

He's either a danger to his children, in which case you're being negligent by continuing to allow contact, or you just disapprove of how much he drinks, in which case it's none of your business what he does on his own time.

You can't say his behaviour is concerning and inappropriate in one breath, and then say that you' never stop contact another breath. It's either dangerous and putting them at risk, or it's not.

I also agree with a PP that I would assume it's once the kids are in bed.

The thing is, you split up from him because he is a heavy drinker. You know he’s not going to stop doing that - or he would have already.

So it’s naive at best to think he’ll change his behaviour just because you disappprove.

Ultimately you’ll have to decide if his drinking is problematic enough to stop the kids staying overnight.

Yes tbh if you know this is what he is like go to court and protect them

He can have supervised contact where he can't get pissed and shouty?

Even if most of the drinking is going on after the kids are in bed, it still means there is no adult in the house capable of taking care of them properly if one of them gets sick or upset during the night.

He's very loud and inappropriate but no danger to the kids. I don't believe he'd ever hurt them, he's just irresponsible in terms of what comes out of his mouth. So shouty and sweary but in a fun manner (to him and the kids) obviously I worry about the emergency situation scenario too.

He will be drinking heavily most if not all weekend evenings. Take the girlfriend out of the equation and focus on the father. You know what he’s like and you’ve seen recent evidence of heavy drinking while in charge of minors with SEN.
I think you should take advice on changing the contact arrangements for the safety of your children.

People on here excusing it because they do it in front of their kids.

Of course it's not OK, no child wants to see their parent off their face. And obviously they won't be fully available if something goes wrong. Anything could happen.

I'd be livid OP.

Nothing to do with you - you could do the same and it would be nothing to do with him, as long as the kids are ok.

I don't drink, so that blows your theory out of the water.

But if OP truly thought her kids were in danger, she'd stop contact wouldn't she?

Are you joking?? So if she decides to go on a drug rampage, bring in strange blokes from the pub and have sex with them in the next room screaming her tits off..it's not the OPs business..

That is quite a lot between two to be fair. I wouldn't like it either.

@Kayos10

what’s the issue if it’s after kids in bed?

@Devo1818

why?

This
it is either a reason to be a problem and to stop overnights or not

Yes fortunately emergencies are thankfully rare but IF there is or was one and he had this amount to drink then at hospital certain procedures would be involved. It is a criminal offence to be drunk in charge of a child. If he pitched up at hospital reeking of booze and clearly inebriated then at the very least I suspect a safeguarding referral would be made if not police involved. This would also depend on the reason for being there: ie an injury / accident as opposed to say a temperature.

it isn’t responsible parenting ultimately and deep down you know it.
Children generally do love their parents there has to be something pretty horrendous for them not to. Your job as their - I am assuming - main carer is to decide what to do about this and protect them as a priority.

I think you have become as desensitised to this pattern of heavy drinking and bad behaviour as the kids, but seeing all the empties has been a wake up call. That's what drinkers like this do to their loved ones, they manipulate you into believing their behaviour is acceptable, and as the alcohol increases in volume and frequency, your field of desensitisation also grows to accept that. But when you're out of the situation and see it with fresh eyes you suddenly realise that you've been duped into believing something was acceptable that never was. So it's understandable why you were somewhat blind to this for as long as you have been, but now that you have had this wake up call it's important you don't gaslight yourself out of appropriately safeguarding your children to what you now see as unacceptable behaviour.

I was the same when I was with a weed smoker, it became so normalised that I didn't see it for what it was until I was out of the situation. And now I have done everything in my power to make sure my children are not exposed to an intoxicated, abusive, gaslighting parent.

The police once brought my son home from his dad's because him & his girlfriend were too drunk to be in charge of a child. Son was about 7 at the time. I think the police had gone to the house for something to do with the girlfirend's teenage children. The police officer told me they couldn't leave my son there. So, yeah, if both adults were drunk OP does have a right to be concerned.

I never drink more than couple of glasses of wine around my daughter. My dad used to drink quite a lot and I hated it. I hated that he would turn the music when we had to get up the next day, I hated the shit talking. I hated that my mother would be furious with him and there would be an awful atmosphere for days. I just don’t want my daughter to feel like that because I know I talk shit when I’m drunk.

Sorry, where was your ex mentioned in the OP?

Well if there's an emergency in the night and they're too pissed to navigate my children to a hospital or maybe passed out to the point of unresponsive? Unlikely yes but not unheard of.

Honestly if you split because of his drinking then I'm not sure why you're surprised? Why did you think he'd stop when he's not with you if he wouldn't when he was?

@Kayos10

they’d just ring an ambulance or taxi

no issue

Imagine being the child in this situation. Conversations which don't make sense, maybe no proper meals, no bath times, stories, clean clothes etc. That's the reality for many children who live with heavy drinkers.