Ex and girlfriend drinking while they have the children

[Kayos10]

I picked my children up from their dads this morning. I asked to grab a drink of water to take a tablet quickly before I left and my ex looked shifty and said the kitchens a dump. Went in to find what looked like a party had taken place. I said to his girlfriend blimey did you have a party last night? She said no so I asked is all this just yours and (ex' name) empties? She laughs and said it's been a long week. I counted at least 3 empty wine bottles and around 10 empty cider and beer cans. My ex has always been a heavy drinker and this was one of the reasons we split. But am aibu to be pissed off that they're clearly getting rat arsed while they have the children? I have noticed it and mentioned it before but to see the aftermath this morning is really bothering me.

If you keep snooping and questioning the gf I doubt she’ll let you past the doorstep again.

And yeah it annoys me that most of the weekend they're with their dad my kids have to suffer the loud, shouty, sweary drunk that he is

If you really think he’s doing that to them and drinking to excess while they’re awake you’ll stop contact. You haven’t. Why?

Whether or not people on here think the OP was snooping is beside the point.

I'd be livid what if he'd had to get one of them to A&E or something I would find that completely unacceptable and probs my not send them again especially if he has "no filter"
God knows what went on
It's a big no from me!!

You didn't mention any of that in your OP, What have your children said?

Yes she can! They're not her responsibility at all! As long as she's not harming the children, she can get drunk.

You don't know it's most weekends do you? You've made the assumption.

I can't believe some of the posts on here. If course they shouldn't be drinking that much when they're looking after the children and of course it's your business.

Kids won't always say anything my parents were drinkers heavy drinkers to the point they were trying keys in cars to see which one was there's and drove home they were too pissed to work out there own car and drove home I never told anyone because they were my parents I stay mostly teetotal with my children now because I don't want them to have the same experience as me yes I will have the odd drink but not to their level ever

They haven't said anything because they've grown up with him being like this on a Friday and Saturday night. They're used to his inappropriate behaviour which he is regularly called out for by his own family. They find him funny and adore him. I could never stop contact for them, I'm just sitting back waiting for him to grow up. My post was really to ask if I should say something. It will definitely cause a row and we've been getting on well lately. And obviously I don't want bad feelings between me and the girlfriend, like I said she seems really nice and the kids like her too. I'm just uncomfortable with the amount of drinking as I can only imagine what's being said and done in front of the kids if they're not in full control of themselves.

If you feel that their dad is not able to look after them properly because of his drinking and possible verbal abuse (I'm extrapolating from the no filter) then I would deal with that through a change in visitation, court or mediation. However, his girlfriend shouldn't be being questioned and if you are relying on her to be in loco parentis because he is not able to parent them suitably then I wouldn't rely on a third party. He is the one who should be responsible for them, and if he or you are putting that responsibility onto his girlfriend that is neither fair nor acceptable.

I wouldn't be happy about leaving my children with somebody that intoxicated. It is actually a criminal offence to be intoxicated while in charge of a minor, and considering their age and SN this is especially concerning. If he wants to get drunk on his own time, that's his prerogative but whilst in charge of two fairly young kids with additional needs this sounds like a recipe for disaster and I would not be happy either

So do you think people would go can't drive shouldn't have children? Taxis exist, public transport exists, ambulances exist if it's really bad. This argument that you shouldn't have more than half a sherry in case of an 'emergency' is so silly.

Your concern is completely justified.

Drinking that much (and presumably on a regular basis if ex was always a heavy drinker) while children are in your care is not on at all. It's not acceptable whether the children are SEN or not. Scenes of drunkenness are distressing to children, and neither of the adults would have been in a position to deal with an emergency if one had occurred.

A glass or two or wine or a can of beer is not the same thing as the scene you saw.

Is the visitation schedule court ordered? Or something you agreed between yourselves?

If just between yourselves then I wouldn't let the children go again. Ex will have to takebyou to court to get a court ordered schedule.

If court ordered, you will have to talk to your solicitor about your options. You can't keep them home in defiance of the court.

Ask the children how their weekend was. Ask them what they remember of it. What did they eat for the meals they had? Who cooked/ prepared the meals? Who put them to bed? What time?

It's absolutely shocking the amount of people agreeing that the adults in charge of two special needs children can get as hammered as they like. I would not be sending my children to any house where the adult in charge is a shouty, sweary drunk, parent or not.

I'm totally confused @Kayos10 I'm the OP you express surprise, now you know it happens all the time and your children are conditioned?

So why do they go every weekend and why do you think it's somehow us girlfriends responsibility to make him grow up? After all you couldn't do it?

You've already said something and you should've said it a lot sooner if you're sure they're listening to all that, but you've questioned the wrong person.

Myself and my husband like a drink and drink regularly when the kids are home (16 and 13 now but have happily had a drink since they were very little) however that is enough alcohol* *between 2 people to render them useless (I can hold my drink but even I couldn't function on that amount!) The kids having SEN also makes a difference IMHO, if it were my kids they wouldn't be going back there any time soon and I'm normally the one telling people to lighten up!

The OP was well aware this happens all the time, questioning and expecting the girlfriend to be responsible is wrong.

Agree with @Knittynanna and the other sensible replies here.

The rest of the replies are unbelievable.

You need to talk to your solicitor. It might be possible for the DCs to see their dad in a contact centre instead of his home. This would eliminate overnight visiting but it would mean the children are assured of safety.

I think being drunk and out of control around children is harmful in itself though.
Agree the children aren't her responsibility of course, but I don't think it's good for them to be around her either if she's in that state. She doesn't need to be actively abusing them for it to be harmful. The OP needs to step in to protect her children if their father isn't up to it.

I'd assume they were drinking once the children were in bed. If you genuinely think your children were in the care of an out of control drinker you wouldn't send them.

it is absurd to state that such high levels of alcohol consumption is ok when in some care of two young children who are SEN.

In view of that I also think that it is more than fine to check, if you have reason for concern.

If anything untoward happened you can imagine the vitriol that would be thrown your way.

In my opinion the first few pages are not that sincere.

I'm not expecting the girlfriend to be responsible for my children at all, I had hoped she would be sensible enough to maybe influence my ex. She can do as she pleases so long as it doesn't affect my children. I mistyped in my previous post, they have been every weekend in the holidays but normally it's ever other weekend. I don't think he is drinking like this every single weekend he has them, but most of them yes. He could always hold his drink but then I was always there too if he went to far. I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt up until now and the one time I mentioned it before was when my son was in his care for the weekend but had a sleepover at beavers. My son wanted to come home but my ex couldn't pick him up because he'd been drinking so had to call me. I called him out on it, we had a row and I'd hoped he'd maybe cut back since then.

It's not necessarily about being able to drive. It's about being alert enough to notice and being together enough to get them quickly to hospital.
Having a few glasses of wine is one thing. Getting off your face is another.

There's a big difference between being marginally over the drink drive limit but being perfectly able to manage an emergency situation through calling for an ambulance, using a taxi, arranging a neighbour to sit with the other child, etc. And drinking enough for most people to be in a heavily intoxicated or black out state. A couple of sherry's at Christmas or glasses of Prosecco or beers or whatever would not worry me, but this sounds like something entirely different.

In all honestly I hadn't considered that the majority of it could be from after the kids went to bed. And that's fair enough. Still not overly happy with that but the thought is much better than them being like that while the kids are still up.