To think my SIL is a shithouse

[SillySausage21356]

OK so brief outline is

Me and OH are married, and I have one son from a previous relationship. My son is 12 and has Asperger's.

SIL has 1 small child

Christmas 2019 my son was given a token gift from SIL.

Son whispered 'Thankyou'. (he is bad with social stuff at times).

After this, SIL attitude seemed to change towards my son, she stopped even sending him a Christmas card, or acknowledging his existence - and it did occur to me odd, but she had a baby in that time, so it never occurred to me there was an actual issue

Forward to a couple of months ago, and Hubby tells me that SIL was recently complaining to him about this Christmas gift and said that Son did not thank her properly...i.e why can he not say thank you like a NORMAL fucking person ie do not whisper, say it loud enough for the whole household to hear, and she doesn't feel Son is grateful enough for the five pound gift, therefore she will not be acknowledging his existence with even a Christmas card going forwards.......and she hasn't.

After this, Hubby is barely speaking to his Sister as they had words, he is disgusted. And I will definitely be saying something to her myself - even though Hubby thinks this is a bad idea

To me this is abhorrent behaviour and it appears she was just looking for an excuse to start some beef, over her self important attitude and her shithouse fiver gift i could ram up her arse

AIBU to say something, myself?

Fuming

My SIL recently sent me some racist "jokes".

DH "dealt" with it. Not to my liking, but he had a word.

I am currently submitting artwork about the incident in the hopes of getting it published. One piece already has been published online, she has seen it, and been extremely quiet.

Sometimes you have to swallow your feelings to keep the peace, but at the same time that doesn't mean you can't hold them to account in other ways. I hope you find a balance.

To answer your question, answer the following:

1 Is your SIL constructed out of brick, timber or tin?

2 Does your SIL contain sanitary facilities, whether flushing or more basic privy type?

3 Does your SIL generally smell bad and attract flies?

4 Is your SIL stand-alone and not attached to a larger structure?

If you answered all questions in the affirmative, then the answer is “yes”.

If your answer any of them in the negative, the answer is “no”.

Either way, she’s not a very nice person.

Good call, keep your own standards and maintain a good relationship with your niece.

Your SIL sounds an uneducated, intolerant ass.

Hoping your son isn't troubled by her immature behaviour.

I'd be pretending she's been eaten by a shark and ignore her from now on.

Is she aware that your son has a disability? Even if he didn't, he would have been 9 in 2019 - many children at that age aren't great at social graces. And he did say thank you; just not in the way that she wanted.

Did she actually say in so many words, 'why can he not say thank you like a NORMAL fucking person'. If she did, then that is much ruder than even not saying thank you at all- and if she knew that he had a disability, then it's not just rude; it's vile.

But I don't think that the monetary value of the gift matters here. It's her bullying attitude. In the future, I would neither give her anything, nor expect anything from her, and would try to minimize any contact between her and your son.

Do you know what you're talking about? It seems not. Aspergers can limit your social intelligence and no amount of training can change that.

I think this is the attitude to adopt. She’s pathetic if a whispered thank you isn’t enough. I think it’s a thing with some people, they MUST have immediate , enthusiastic , effusive thanks.
If/when your niece thanks you for a gift your response could be it’s my pleasure, sweetie. Although I suspect your SIL is too thick skinned to read the message in that.

My thoughts exactly, the whispered thank you would have meant far more to me than any amount of loud thank yous from an NT child, I would have been very touched and thrilled.

But in your niece's case:

(1) She has no special needs, or at least none that you mention.

(2) She is at least 16, and probably at least 19 since you would hardly expect a baby to say thank you!

(3) She never says thank you at all. The OP's son did; just not loudly enough for the aunt.

(4) There are not two sides when it comes to bullying. I would not even hold it too much against the aunt that she doesn't give him presents any more. It would be nice if she did, but she's not OBLIGED to give presents. But complaining - years after the event- that he didn't act like a 'fucking normal person' is absolutely unforgivable!

Your son was perfectly polite!

That she has an issue with a child that lacks in confidence is her issue to unpack, not yours.

My suggestion would be to leave it be- no one can reason with the unreasonable

Does she have an ASD?

If not, I don't really see the relevance: it's simple bad manners.

If she does, YABU.

Hubby has handled it - so far. So I think the only thing I would do would be to cut her out of my life completely

She’s a twat but nothing you can say will change her mind- so I’d keep out of it, although I wouldn’t be attending any social occasions with her unless absolutely necessary (clearly she doesn’t understand neurodiversity so she’ll likely start upsetting your DS soon). I hate people who expect histrionics every time they’ve been arsed to buy a small candle anyway.

This has made me feel really sad, my son has autism and I really hate the way that people judge and think they are being naughty. My son isn't naughty he's just anxious, it makese want to scratch their eyes out when they judge him. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with his diagnosis. These idiots should walk in our (parents) shoes and see how fucking hard our life can be.

She’s a bitch.

Poor shark! She’ll definitely give it tummy ache.

Whaaaaaat?! 😱😱 this is something that actually happened? OMG 😂