To think my SIL is a shithouse

[SillySausage21356]

OK so brief outline is

Me and OH are married, and I have one son from a previous relationship. My son is 12 and has Asperger's.

SIL has 1 small child

Christmas 2019 my son was given a token gift from SIL.

Son whispered 'Thankyou'. (he is bad with social stuff at times).

After this, SIL attitude seemed to change towards my son, she stopped even sending him a Christmas card, or acknowledging his existence - and it did occur to me odd, but she had a baby in that time, so it never occurred to me there was an actual issue

Forward to a couple of months ago, and Hubby tells me that SIL was recently complaining to him about this Christmas gift and said that Son did not thank her properly...i.e why can he not say thank you like a NORMAL fucking person ie do not whisper, say it loud enough for the whole household to hear, and she doesn't feel Son is grateful enough for the five pound gift, therefore she will not be acknowledging his existence with even a Christmas card going forwards.......and she hasn't.

After this, Hubby is barely speaking to his Sister as they had words, he is disgusted. And I will definitely be saying something to her myself - even though Hubby thinks this is a bad idea

To me this is abhorrent behaviour and it appears she was just looking for an excuse to start some beef, over her self important attitude and her shithouse fiver gift i could ram up her arse

AIBU to say something, myself?

Fuming

this is a good example in what happens when people post about SN behaviours on the non SN board - you get people commenting with 'well just teach him to be normal'. pure ignorance

For some people with autism, these "social niceties" type interactions with people outside of their safe circle can feel as nerve wracking and overwhelming as you would feel having to do public speaking to a packed conference hall.
No child should have to feel like that, he did really well to whisper thank you.

But he did say thank you properly! He just didn't say it loudly enough for everyone to hear, that doesn't make it any less of a "proper" thank you

I'm sure the OP is well aware life will be easier if her son can learn social niceties... I'm sure she has spent many painful years trying to teach him... the fact that he managed a whispered thank you suggests she has done bloody well.. do you suggest people with one leg might find life easier if they had another one ??? Christmas is hellishly difficult for people with ASD. My son is 10 and we are still working on acknowledging any gift and not crying ( if he likes it or not... he finds gifts totally overwhelming )

I voted YABU to say don't say anything to her. Of course you are not actually being unreasonable. Ghastly behaviour from her. But your DH has handled it.

My son is still like this at seventeen but he’s the sweetest boy and this post makes me very sad.

I would go no contact after a brief explanation why. I would also give the same information to the rest of the family so that she can’t tell them you’re ignoring her for no reason. Your DH can get gifts for your niece but your son needs to know that you’re completely on his side.

Then use it as a lesson for your son. I don’t mean that he should be better with social niceties….a whispered thank you is wonderful🙂. Imagine being the kind of person whose heart doesn’t melt at something like that! But what I’ve always done with my son is to explain why other people react in the way they do i.e they’re sociopaths like your SIL.

My niece has not said thank you for a sun GB he gift in 16 years. I’m annoyed with her parents and considering stopping gift giving. There are usually two sides.

*single gift

I’d be ignoring existence from now on

*her

There are always one or two who post without really thinking aren’t there ? My BFF’s son has autism. Her dad, his grandfather, refuses to accept it and is always flying into a rage about what he sees as ‘bad behaviour’. It’s got the the point where she discourages contact now because it’s so stressful for everyone concerned. It’s so sad that there won’t be a relationship there at all unless her dad steps up and educates himself. Neurotypical conditions are so misunderstood. And I agree it’s not up to the person with the condition to try to change, or up to the OP to educate SIL. She should get her head from up her arse and realise that a close relative has this condition, and that if she wants a relationship with her brothers’ family she needs to educate herself. Although she sounds as though she’s an entitled dick at the best of times if she’s still thinking about this after three years !!

Im firmly of the believe you dont give gifts, do nice things, give to charity etc... in expectation of praise, attention, reward so demanding 'thank yous' and acknowledgements is tacky as hell to me and prove your 'gifting' was entirely self serving ways to get your ego stroked.

Its strange so many people think 'thank you' is owed to them (even when they dont know the circumstaces, I have had to explain to rude stranger my DS is non verbal when they get arsy, most still double down on him 'not having manners' because he didnt say 'thanks' when they held the door etc... he physically fucking can't though, he does actually sign it though which they are all too ignorant to notice) and not getting it is 'bad manners' when actually the expectation of expecting it and the terrible reaction people have when not getting it is a horrific lack of class and manners.

I don't think there's much point in you saying anything g but I think it's crazy to just keep buying stuff for your niece as if nothing has happened. No it's not her fault but she doesn't need a gift from your family. Why create a situation where your ds is the only child excluded?

Curious as well, would you have made your child say thank you properly if it had been a £100 gift?
He did say thankfully properly though. I don't see why thank you has to be said loudly to mean it has been said properly. What was he supposed to do.
OP your sister in law sounds terrible. Don't tackle her though just stay away from her

Your poor DS. My DC are both autistic, teenagers now. Both socially awkward, have difficulties in social situations.

Imho if any family member can't accept my children the way they are then it's their problem, not ours. Personally I wouldn't confront her, I'd pretend she didn't exist - no cards or presents for her in the future, but just for her DC. And keep all communication with her to the bare minimum.

There’s been a lot of that on here.seems to be getting worse. To do with SN,mental health,even now cost of living.it’s really getting saddening.and a bit past annoying that people haven’t grasped certain things yet.or at least found there compassion.

No there aren’t. Read the thread. He’s Neurotypical - his side of is that he sees the world differently, can’t respond in the way people want or expect and there’s nothing he can do about it. It is absolutely not the same thing as just being rude and not saying thank you for a gift - which, by the way, he did. Just not to SIL’s satisfaction.

I agree, he whispered thank you to her I would have been perfectly happy with that, it was a thank you, it was polite and it was meant. Why would he have to announce it loud so everyone can hear? Oh yes for SIL to gain kudos and impress others with how wonderful she is, she can then bask in the warm glow of how everyone thinks how generous and kind she is - all about her and not about the child, performance gifting in full flow.

Yep I have been told my DS isnt trying hard enough.

Trying hard enough to what?
to fix brain damage?

Brain cells don't regrow, no amount of 'trying harder' is going to magically fix him.

What a relief to read about a man not asking his wife to apologize for a peaceful life.

Yanbu to be shocked and furious but your h said it's sorted so I'd leave it alone. I understand why you want to say something but it's just going to reignite drama which is something that SIL obviously likes.

I’ve read the thread!
I will repeat there are always two sides to every story, no matter how thinly it’s cut.

It sounds to me as if a whispered “Thank you” from your son is a much bigger thing than a loud thank you from a NT child, @SillySausage21356 - and anyone with the slightest empathy and understanding would have realised this, and been properly touched by the effort he made.

Just get on with life without her. Treat her with indifference. There is nothing more annoying to someone who wants to have an ongoing beef and drama with another, and they don't engage because they are too happy, too busy, always doing fund stuff with their own family and they don't care because they are too busy to give any head-space to that person. Let that be YOU!

It sounds like you all need to grow up and get over yourselves.

Do people send individual cards to family members? Is that a thing?