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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my SIL is a shithouse

93 replies

SillySausage21356 · 03/09/2022 11:27

OK so brief outline is

Me and OH are married, and I have one son from a previous relationship. My son is 12 and has Asperger's.

SIL has 1 small child

Christmas 2019 my son was given a token gift from SIL.

Son whispered 'Thankyou'. (he is bad with social stuff at times).

After this, SIL attitude seemed to change towards my son, she stopped even sending him a Christmas card, or acknowledging his existence - and it did occur to me odd, but she had a baby in that time, so it never occurred to me there was an actual issue

Forward to a couple of months ago, and Hubby tells me that SIL was recently complaining to him about this Christmas gift and said that Son did not thank her properly...i.e why can he not say thank you like a NORMAL fucking person ie do not whisper, say it loud enough for the whole household to hear, and she doesn't feel Son is grateful enough for the five pound gift, therefore she will not be acknowledging his existence with even a Christmas card going forwards.......and she hasn't.

After this, Hubby is barely speaking to his Sister as they had words, he is disgusted. And I will definitely be saying something to her myself - even though Hubby thinks this is a bad idea

To me this is abhorrent behaviour and it appears she was just looking for an excuse to start some beef, over her self important attitude and her shithouse fiver gift i could ram up her arse

AIBU to say something, myself?

Fuming

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 03/09/2022 11:58

Horrible woman! He’s better off without an auntie like that.

I wouldn’t give her the time of day after that.

Original poster
SillySausage21356 · 03/09/2022 12:01

Thanks guys - I will step off the thread now, as I feel 'vented out' - i just wanted a rant that is all

I won't start WW3, I will not say anything to her

OP posts:
Branleuse · 03/09/2022 12:01

id leave this one to your husband. If she wants to stop doing xmas gifts for your son, then maybe just dont do gifts for her and her family anymore either

Wakemeuuuup · 03/09/2022 12:03

She's a horrible person. I'm glad your DH stood up to her.

Please stand up for your son too by not buying presents for her child. It's not about holding the higher ground, it's about treating both kids the same way

Amybelle88 · 03/09/2022 12:05

She's an arsehole and the people here saying encourage your son more are also wrong.

This child has Asperger's - it is not his job to adapt to self important arsehole adults who don't understand the condition he has. He said thank you - it's not that he didn't acknowledge the gift, he was just quiet about it.

I get that DH has dealt with it and that is probably the best way to leave it. Could I if it was my son? Probably not - so I'd be the same as you.

Krakinou · 03/09/2022 12:06

It’s your husband’s fight and he defended you and your son and made his loyalties clear. Why stir up the relationship between him and SIL more? You don’t have to be any more than cordial with her.

As for your son, maybe you could get him to write thank you cards if he’s too intimidated to say it properly in the moment.

Campervangirl · 03/09/2022 12:06

lovehawaii · 03/09/2022 11:31

i always read these topics to rule out its nit about me Grin

😂😂😂Love it!

Pipsquiggle · 03/09/2022 12:09

Your role could be to educate SIL on ND children and adults.

She sounds a bit ignorant & /or thick tbh

solarbirdscalm · 03/09/2022 12:10

I don't like Christmas presents for this reason. Its not the need to say thank you, its trying to work out when is the right time to say thank you and how best to say it in a room full of people all talking and opening gifts at once. Its the performance aspect of present opening, how to appear pleased and sound genuine in thanking someone and not forced or automatic (which is likely because of nerves). And I absolutely agree I should have grasped this by now... but unfortunately as I haven't got it at nearly 40 I don't think its going to happen. Ditch the SIL 100%. Its rude to be put out by it at the time, but to still be upset about it 3 years later is deranged.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 03/09/2022 12:11

Forward her some information on ASD as she clearly doesn't have much understanding of it. Keep your distance she sounds like an arse.

Sunnyqueen · 03/09/2022 12:18

What an absolute ball bag she is. Glad your husband had your sons back and isn't speaking to her either. If you ever do have to cross paths in the future make sure you let her know how fucked up and ignorant her head is if she brings it up.

JudgeJ · 03/09/2022 12:19

I can't remember much of what was given last Christmas, let alone 2019! Sounds like SIL enjoys misery.

Caroffee · 03/09/2022 12:31

Urgh. SIL is not worth having in your lives. I'd pay her £5 never to contact me again.

Bananarama21 · 03/09/2022 12:37

It's bit backhanded comment about the cost of the gift I must say. Maybe she didn't him whisper thankyou.

ittakes2 · 03/09/2022 12:40

i don’t know why you are bothering to give her any time or attention in your mind. If anyone is that petty they are not worth knowing and it sounds like your partner supports you so just go no contact with her. Don’t say anything to her because you are making this about your feelings and it’s really your sons that matter - everyone will blame him for the fall out and it was you making the waves. Just ignore her and spend time with nice people

Rosscameasdoody · 03/09/2022 12:41

berksandbeyond · 03/09/2022 11:29

She sounds like a dick but I do think you should be encouraging your son to do more of these 'social niceties' - life will be much easier for him if he does.

Two things can be true at once

What two things ? Her son has a disability that makes ‘social niceties’ as you put it, very difficult. Life in general will be more difficult for him because of it. He can’t just switch it on and off to suit, and that’s the point. He has a different understanding of the world around him and if SIL is too self centred to even try to understand, that’s her problem, not his.

OP, I think your DH is right. He’s handled it, and although I can well understand your fury and your desire to defend your son, if she’s that much of a dickhead you’d be wasting your breath. I wouldn’t go out of your way to talk to her about it, but I certainly wouldn’t ignore any opportunities that present themselves either. But don’t rage at her. Explain your sons’ condition and tell her that if she can’t grasp it and treat him with respect then you would rather her not have any contact with him. Her loss, not yours. Or your sons’. 💐

Rosscameasdoody · 03/09/2022 12:44

Amybelle88 · 03/09/2022 12:05

She's an arsehole and the people here saying encourage your son more are also wrong.

This child has Asperger's - it is not his job to adapt to self important arsehole adults who don't understand the condition he has. He said thank you - it's not that he didn't acknowledge the gift, he was just quiet about it.

I get that DH has dealt with it and that is probably the best way to leave it. Could I if it was my son? Probably not - so I'd be the same as you.

This. 100%

TabithaTittlemouse · 03/09/2022 12:49

Buy her a book on Asperger’s for Christmas.

Butchyrestingface · 03/09/2022 12:56

Glad you decided to leave it alone. I wouldn't be buying any presents for your husband's niece going forward, up to him if he wants to - she's his blood relative. But after the way SiL has decided to cut your son off, it doesn't seem appropriate to me to keep buying for her kid.

thunderhoney · 03/09/2022 13:00

mamabear715 · 03/09/2022 11:48

Yep, keep quiet for the moment, keep your mama bear claws sheathed until needed.. ;-)
(I do understand, having 2 ASD kids myself. You kinda want to rip people's throats out..)

Mama bear claws..? 😫 Op is not a bear.

Beautiful3 · 03/09/2022 13:08

A whispered thank you, is amazing from a child with autism. Ignore sil, husbands handled it well.

Ottersmith · 03/09/2022 13:19

berksandbeyond · 03/09/2022 11:29

She sounds like a dick but I do think you should be encouraging your son to do more of these 'social niceties' - life will be much easier for him if he does.

Two things can be true at once

Are you the sister? Because you sound like a dick.

Rosscameasdoody · 03/09/2022 13:20

TabithaTittlemouse · 03/09/2022 12:49

Buy her a book on Asperger’s for Christmas.

And make sure she thanks you ‘properly’ for it !!

Sceptre86 · 03/09/2022 13:20

I wouldn't bother with presents or cards for her child. I wouldn't be trying to cultivate a relationship with her because inorder to do that you would have to suffer your sil's presence and I wouldn't subject my son to that. Your son should come first. She's an arse and I'd be telling the inlaws that too.

Bex268 · 03/09/2022 13:24

@berksandbeyond ignore this advice! Your child should not be forced to behave in a way that makes him feel uncomfortable to make neurotypical adults feel comfortable. Ffs! Why why should autistic people always be the ones to f*ing change! No. He said thank you. She’s a twat!

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