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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Break up over text. Why do people do it?

59 replies

ellie09 · 03/09/2022 06:17

OK so me and my partner broke up yesterday.

Im not really that upset about it, only the fact it was done via text AGAIN

I had this happen to me before while at work and it happened again. I think I hate the fact a text comes through when you're in work and it takes you by surprise.

Anyhow, he says we can chat but I don't really know what there is to chat about?

AIBU to expect that in an actual relationship that you don't break up via text message and that the least you can do is do it face to face and offer an explanation?

It seems that any relationship I have had has ended this way and its not even as if I am that young either?! It just gives off teenage vibes to me and not someone in their 30s

OP posts:
DustyGrapevine · 03/09/2022 06:20

I'd actually prefer to be broken up with by text. I can't bear the thought of meeting up, thinking everything's fine, then getting that news in public. I also hate the phone. At least via text I gave a chance to compose myself and react with dignity.

Andromachehadabadday · 03/09/2022 06:22

Honestly, I think it depends on each situation.

If it’s a long and committed relationship and it’s going to be completely out of the blue, it’s a poor way to do it.

If it’s been a short relationship, I think it’s fine. Or if it’s a long relationship but full of drama and arguments and it’s clear it’s heading that way. Though doing it during someone’s or day is shit.

I had a boyfriend who just created so much drama all the time, I dumped him by text because I just couldn’t cope with the meet up and his tears and shouting and manipulation again. Face to face I had made it clear I needed space to decide whether I still wanted to be with him. After another round of texts of him having a go, I just ended it. And I don’t feel bad.

W0tnow · 03/09/2022 06:23

I think it’s pretty poor form and cowardly.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 03/09/2022 06:27

I had an ex who had been broken up with by text. Said it had really affected him etc etc and would never do that to someone as it's an awful way to break up. Then he broke up with me by text 🙄.
He also did the whole 'we can chat about it' too a short while later. He then wheedled his way back in and we ended up back together for a while and it was crap until we broke up again.

OP, don't entertain his bullshit. Just say you don't need to talk about it as he made his feelings clear when he dumped you by text like a 15yr old would.

Qwerkie · 03/09/2022 06:27

I had a relationship where the last time I was with him we had sex he knew I didn’t want - coerced into it basically. I ended it by text as soon as I was away from him. People have their reasons for not wanting to do it face to face or to pick up the phone. It’s not necessarily cowardly. I bet if he told people I’d done it by text they’d have thought I was pretty harsh too

J0y · 03/09/2022 06:28

oh boy, it came through at work? That was badly timed on his part.
I have been dumped in person and wished it had been by text, but we'd only had about ten dates and it felt humiliating to me that he got to see my shock and upset. Would have preferred to have been dumped by text so I could have 'gathered' in private and said ''that's ok''.

J0y · 03/09/2022 06:30

I do think that in a ltr, it's shit. So cowardly.

raindon · 03/09/2022 06:30

It's the cowards way

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/09/2022 06:45

We had been together a year, been on couple of holidays, met each others families etc.

He broke up the day after we actually had a date, and had sex the night before. He says he doesn't look forward to our dates anymore and he thinks we have got 'comfortable' with each other which to me, is just LTR vibes but anyway...

Just got a text through at work, just before a girls night out as well. Left no time to waste either, asking me could he drop off my stuff and 'have a chat'

How do I handle this when he comes round today?

OP posts:
raindon · 03/09/2022 06:47

No, no chats, meet him at the door. Act all cool, thanks for bringing my stuff back? Bye now and shut the door. Then you can fall apart if you want. There's no need for a chat he only wants that to make himself feel better.

MyNameIsNotMichele · 03/09/2022 06:49

I have done this because I felt crowded and like he wasn’t listening to me. Doing it by text meant I could say it without being manipulated.

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/09/2022 06:49

Yep I said to him he could just leave it at the door, but he is insisting on seeing me?

I don't know what there is to talk about if his mind is made up? So confused

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 03/09/2022 06:51

MyNameIsNotMichele · 03/09/2022 06:49

I have done this because I felt crowded and like he wasn’t listening to me. Doing it by text meant I could say it without being manipulated.

See, I don't understand as we don't have that sort of relationship, I am pretty laid back and I would have accepted it in person and he knows it as well. Just made me feel like I was about 12 again to be honest

OP posts:
Musti · 03/09/2022 06:52

Tell him to drop the stuff and that you don’t want to chat to him.

raindon · 03/09/2022 06:53

ellie09 · 03/09/2022 06:49

Yep I said to him he could just leave it at the door, but he is insisting on seeing me?

I don't know what there is to talk about if his mind is made up? So confused

He just wants to make it so he can appease his mind that he's not a jerk dumping you by text. Don't let him have that satisfaction. Seriously, open door, thanks for bringing my stuff, and then "right I'd best get on, busy day" and walk away and shut the door. He doesn't deserve a second of your time.

ShandaLear · 03/09/2022 06:55

Text him and say ‘l’ve left your stuff in the porch. Please pick it up before 6pm. Not interested in speaking to you. Think it’s best we just move on with our lives. All the best’, and then block him on everything.

Andromachehadabadday · 03/09/2022 06:56

He can insist all he wants. Doesn’t mean you have to engage so tell him you won’t be.

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/09/2022 07:02

Thanks all. The weirdest thing is too, the break up texts were the most has ever communicated with me the entire relationship which is also odd.

Surely if you have issues you chat them through during the relationship also?

Just very odd behaviour to me, I'm glad I'm in that place in my life where it doesn't affect me as much as what it would have.

Happened to me before, living together with the guy and a text through middle of the working day and I was heartbroken. Literally took a panic attack. He knows about this also.

Just think I deserved more than a simple 'I think we should break up, what do you think?' text after one year together

OP posts:
RainbowsMoonbeams · 03/09/2022 07:02

That’s really cowardly, sorry OP. Certainly not acceptable for a year long relationship.

My poor cousin got dumped by text from her fiancé of two years. Totally broke her for a good while.

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/09/2022 07:10

RainbowsMoonbeams · 03/09/2022 07:02

That’s really cowardly, sorry OP. Certainly not acceptable for a year long relationship.

My poor cousin got dumped by text from her fiancé of two years. Totally broke her for a good while.

Your poor cousin, I feel for her

It just seems very disrespectful, like something you would do if only dating for a few weeks, not LTR

OP posts:
Redqueenheart · 03/09/2022 07:12

It can be safer if you have concerns about a man's reactions to being dumped....

I dumped someone I had been seeing for a few weeks by text because I was starting to have major concerns about his overall behaviour.

He immediately replied to my text with some really nasty insults before I blocked him, just confirming to me that I was right about him having all the signs of an abusive idiot....

That's one scenario where it is better to do this from a distance.

Beyond that yes you are right to expect people to have the courage to do this in person when the relationship was long-term and healthy.

mrsbitaly · 03/09/2022 07:14

If your not bothered or affected by it then maybe you were feeling the same way too?

When he comes just say you agree its for the best too and that there are no hard feelings. Most men expect you to be a blubbering mess but just be confident and calm he will be the one that feels like an idiot.

J0y · 03/09/2022 07:14

I think some people have literally a trauma / stress response to a conversation. You know where you say, this is how I feel, how do you feel. And listen, really listen, and think about your part in the pain and reflect on what you could have done differently, will do differently and be vulnerable enough to ask for what you need to be different in the future.

Coming from the family I come from, let me tell you, some people cannot do this. My first bf ever he said to me, if you do not cease this silent treatment now we are DONE. and it was only later I saw that it was passive aggressive, how my mother communicated with me, and that I didn't want to be like that. But some people cannot be vulnerable enough to say i'm hurt, you've hurt me, what I need is x, y, z, so instead they cut you off, dump you by text, give you the silent treatment, replace you..................

J0y · 03/09/2022 07:15

a trauma / stress response to a difficult conversation, obviously, not what'll we have for dinner!

J0y · 03/09/2022 07:19

I think you can refuse his visit. He gave you a reason. I don't know how it will make you feel better. if you're not suitably upset will he label you 'cold'.
If you are upset will he feel like he's the prize and be sorry that there's not enough prize to go around. It's just not going to help you.
I think he wants to be able to reframe this breakup as having gone round to your house but that is not what he did.

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