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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Break up over text. Why do people do it?

59 replies

ellie09 · 03/09/2022 06:17

OK so me and my partner broke up yesterday.

Im not really that upset about it, only the fact it was done via text AGAIN

I had this happen to me before while at work and it happened again. I think I hate the fact a text comes through when you're in work and it takes you by surprise.

Anyhow, he says we can chat but I don't really know what there is to chat about?

AIBU to expect that in an actual relationship that you don't break up via text message and that the least you can do is do it face to face and offer an explanation?

It seems that any relationship I have had has ended this way and its not even as if I am that young either?! It just gives off teenage vibes to me and not someone in their 30s

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 03/09/2022 07:19

mrsbitaly · 03/09/2022 07:14

If your not bothered or affected by it then maybe you were feeling the same way too?

When he comes just say you agree its for the best too and that there are no hard feelings. Most men expect you to be a blubbering mess but just be confident and calm he will be the one that feels like an idiot.

I was thinking in the last couple of weeks that perhaps it should end also. I also wasn't looking forward to seeing him (mainly cos I have been so tired from working so much and LO that I just wanted down time)

Its not the end of the relationship particularly bothers me, I think was the manner in which it was done just

OP posts:
J0y · 03/09/2022 07:21

ps, agree with raindon, but I would go further and not open the door. Why should you? let him leave the stuff on the doorstep. What is it? not a bag of diamonds I bet.

Whatever it is, I bet you either have another/more

raindon · 03/09/2022 07:22

Even better then, when her turns up get your stuff, say yeah, it wasn't working was it, and shut the door.

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/09/2022 07:22

J0y · 03/09/2022 07:19

I think you can refuse his visit. He gave you a reason. I don't know how it will make you feel better. if you're not suitably upset will he label you 'cold'.
If you are upset will he feel like he's the prize and be sorry that there's not enough prize to go around. It's just not going to help you.
I think he wants to be able to reframe this breakup as having gone round to your house but that is not what he did.

Yeah, I think we are good as friends. But at this moment in time I have had enough experience of relationships to know you can't just jump from relationship to friendship.

I just don't know what he could possibly have to say about it all now its done

OP posts:
raindon · 03/09/2022 07:23

J0y · 03/09/2022 07:21

ps, agree with raindon, but I would go further and not open the door. Why should you? let him leave the stuff on the doorstep. What is it? not a bag of diamonds I bet.

Whatever it is, I bet you either have another/more

The not opening the door would make him think he's hurt OP, by opening the door and acting cool about it he doesn't get the satisfaction of thinking he so amazing that she's devastated.

Pleasecouldihavesomeadvice · 03/09/2022 07:24

I think it’sa poor way to split up with someone.

However perhaps in some situations it’s acceptable

J0y · 03/09/2022 07:26

I think it's really good that the way you feel is that you preferred downtime to being with him. That's good. Remember that.

I'd text back, ''I feel the same, I was craving down time more than I was looking forward to seeing you. It's fine to leave that stuff on the door step.''

If he tries to push a conversation, I'd say, but we're already on the same page.

The text was a bit shabby but it's fiiiiine. It actually helped me feel clarity, so it's fine!

raindon · 03/09/2022 07:27

J0y · 03/09/2022 07:26

I think it's really good that the way you feel is that you preferred downtime to being with him. That's good. Remember that.

I'd text back, ''I feel the same, I was craving down time more than I was looking forward to seeing you. It's fine to leave that stuff on the door step.''

If he tries to push a conversation, I'd say, but we're already on the same page.

The text was a bit shabby but it's fiiiiine. It actually helped me feel clarity, so it's fine!

Actually that's a good idea too.

J0y · 03/09/2022 07:29

I know it would take effort to keep the smile staple gunned on!
I can usually keep it up for a minute or so, then my brow would furrow.

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/09/2022 07:33

I know, I am quite an emotional person so I would fear that I would.make myself look more upset than I actually am

Its no big loss to me as already mentioned, but you do naturally have the mourning stage in any break up I suppose

OP posts:
MyEasterEggs · 03/09/2022 07:47

I’d be honest with him and say you agree it’s for the best (especially as he chose to end the relationship via text like a teenager…) then let him grab him stuff. No further talking, no anger, no letting him ease his conscience since he doesn’t appear to have one anyway. Certainly no backbone! You’ve dodged a bullet OP!

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/09/2022 08:02

MyEasterEggs · 03/09/2022 07:47

I’d be honest with him and say you agree it’s for the best (especially as he chose to end the relationship via text like a teenager…) then let him grab him stuff. No further talking, no anger, no letting him ease his conscience since he doesn’t appear to have one anyway. Certainly no backbone! You’ve dodged a bullet OP!

Its the curiosity of knowing what will say as he didn't have much to say the whole year, lol

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 03/09/2022 08:10

I think you need a mate round when he calls to drop off stuff.

If you don't want to see him at all, she answers the door because you've just 'popped out'

Or if you're prepared to hear him out, then the presence of a third party will at least keep it civil. If you do choose this, remember you do not need to engage in discussion, or rise to anything he says. Simply note that he has spoken, and then say goodbye and point him to the exit

raindon · 03/09/2022 08:11

ellie09 · 03/09/2022 08:02

Its the curiosity of knowing what will say as he didn't have much to say the whole year, lol

Show quote history

Ha! Yes it must be a bit like..you want to talk now?

Albgo · 03/09/2022 08:16

I broke up with a partner of a year and a half via text. We had quite a volatile relationship and every time I did something he didn't like he'd give me the silent treatment. We didn't live together, so this took the form of him ignoring my texts and calls for multiple days. When he treated me horribly on my birthday and then blanked me for a week I texted to end the relationship. I've never felt bad about it or that he deserved my time and effort travelling to do it.

I've also been broken up with face to face after a five year relationship. He drove over an hour to see me to tell me he'd been cheating on me for six months and was leaving me for her. I think he thought he gained cosmic points for doing it in person. I resented that he got to see how much he broke me and would have much preferred a phone call or text.

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/09/2022 08:16

AuntieStella · 03/09/2022 08:10

I think you need a mate round when he calls to drop off stuff.

If you don't want to see him at all, she answers the door because you've just 'popped out'

Or if you're prepared to hear him out, then the presence of a third party will at least keep it civil. If you do choose this, remember you do not need to engage in discussion, or rise to anything he says. Simply note that he has spoken, and then say goodbye and point him to the exit

I am thinking this, probably just let him speak but don't provide a response. Just accept what says, get my stuff and show him the door.

I am getting far too old for this childish nonsense. Safe to say this will be my last relationship for a while, because I am done with men lol

OP posts:
RainbowsMoonbeams · 03/09/2022 08:17

ellie09

You are not wrong - fair enough of you have been on just a few dates. But a year in? Just bad form.

You are better off without someone who thinks this is acceptable behaviour. 💐

netflixandnaps · 03/09/2022 08:20

It's pathetic, so gutless!!!! A phone call at the least.......

My ex dumped me over text every other week for 4 years! Literally killed me every time. He was a narcissistic so he loved that power and enjoyed knowing he was hurting me.

lowmoodadvice · 03/09/2022 08:29

He’s a jerk OP
forgetball the people trying to justify it in other totally unrelated circumstances
pls don’t feel like you need to answer the door
keep cool calm - you’ll get over this and move on just fine

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/09/2022 08:37

lowmoodadvice · 03/09/2022 08:29

He’s a jerk OP
forgetball the people trying to justify it in other totally unrelated circumstances
pls don’t feel like you need to answer the door
keep cool calm - you’ll get over this and move on just fine

Yeah I see sense with people in volatile relationships but this most definitely was not one

Sitting wondering what the hell is wrong with me to be honest, probably the depression part of the break up.

I thought I was a pretty sweet deal, having a career, a house, pretty laid back in relationships, pay for all my own shit, not clingy etc but clearly not for most men, lol

OP posts:
IrishladyNE · 03/09/2022 08:44

I fell the same as I work full time and have a LO, I had a male friend that I would go to gig with but he suddenly started demanding more of time. Sometimes I just wanted to stay in and watch Netflix . The last time I met him we were talking to a group of guys, he acted like a spoilt time because one of them was showing me attention. He made it so comfortable that I went home.

He messaged me drunk a week later saying he had feelings. I just said not happening but he was being really needy and giving me the ick. I had to cut him off and I don’t miss spending time with him at all.

Then met a guy online making last minute demands, I have a child it doesn’t work that way so told him straight too. I don’t have the bandwidth for it my life never stops and unless someone can be happy with dating a few times a week I’m out.

MyEasterEggs · 03/09/2022 08:46

Curious myself 😂 but if you haven’t had much of a conversation the last year (alarm bells!) I wonder how much you’re going to get now 🤔

OrigamiOwls · 03/09/2022 08:57

I am thinking this, probably just let him speak but don't provide a response. Just accept what says, get my stuff and show him the door

He's broken up with you by text, after a year. You don't own him the opportunity to see you. He either wants to salve his conscience "yes I dumped her by text but I did visit her the next day to check she was ok", or he wants to delight in your misery as he believes you'll be heartbroken.

He's done what he's done. He doesn't automatically get to control the break up. You don't owe him your time and you don't need to listen to what he has to say. Just tell him to leave the stuff on the doorstep. Don't get engaged with him any further.

Sanpellogrino99 · 03/09/2022 09:01

Qwerkie · 03/09/2022 06:27

I had a relationship where the last time I was with him we had sex he knew I didn’t want - coerced into it basically. I ended it by text as soon as I was away from him. People have their reasons for not wanting to do it face to face or to pick up the phone. It’s not necessarily cowardly. I bet if he told people I’d done it by text they’d have thought I was pretty harsh too

This is the only time I broke up with someone by text too. He told everyone ‘I broke up with him by text’; but conviently left out he cohersed me into sex on the Friday, threw me out his flat on the Saturday morning and did not text me the entire weekend. I broke up with him by text on the Monday.

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/09/2022 11:35

OrigamiOwls · 03/09/2022 08:57

I am thinking this, probably just let him speak but don't provide a response. Just accept what says, get my stuff and show him the door

He's broken up with you by text, after a year. You don't own him the opportunity to see you. He either wants to salve his conscience "yes I dumped her by text but I did visit her the next day to check she was ok", or he wants to delight in your misery as he believes you'll be heartbroken.

He's done what he's done. He doesn't automatically get to control the break up. You don't owe him your time and you don't need to listen to what he has to say. Just tell him to leave the stuff on the doorstep. Don't get engaged with him any further.

Yeah I think you're right - anything said won't change anything anyhow I don't believe as I have always said I would never grovel or beg for anyone back. I'd never want someone who didn't want me

OP posts: