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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Female friends

57 replies

Rachellilllian · 02/09/2022 22:38

My boyfriend has multiple female friends, we don’t live together as we both have children in different area to each other. A few weeks ago he had a female friend around to his house, got drunk she went in hot tub and he didn’t msg me till she had gone. I was really upset and we discussed it and he said he hadn’t seen it from my pov, he was sorry and should always raise any concerns. This wknd he has asked me when we can see each other this week, then tells me he can’t do a certain night as he is meeting a different female friend for a drink. I have meet neither of these women.
I told him this has made me uncomfortable and he has said so I’m not allowed female friends and now won’t communicate with me about it. I just don’t know what to do or think?

OP posts:
HappyChloé2 · 02/09/2022 22:40

What do you mean about what you should do? If you are already trying to limit who he is friends with then he should probably move on to someone less controlling.

Original poster
Rachellilllian · 02/09/2022 22:41

You think I’m being unreasonable?
I haven’t meet either of them

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 02/09/2022 22:43

You obviously don’t trust him OP.

If you did trust him you wouldn’t have an issue with him having female friends who you’ve never met.

No trust = no foundation for a relationship I’m afraid.

Cherchezlaspice · 02/09/2022 22:44

How long have you been together? Have you met all his other friends? Has he met all of yours?

And you’re cross because he can’t meet on a certain night because he’s meeting a friend? Is he required to be available to you every night?

Original poster
Rachellilllian · 02/09/2022 22:44

No I probably don’t as we had a very rocky start and split. I’m really trying too but I feel excluded from meeting these girls

OP posts:
HappyChloé2 · 02/09/2022 22:44

Rachellilllian · 02/09/2022 22:41

You think I’m being unreasonable?
I haven’t meet either of them

I do. Why would you think it reasonable to meet or vet his friends?

Has he met all of yours? How would you feel if he started telling you which of them you could or couldn’t have a drink with?

Can you honestly say that you’d be fine with that?

I’d not be. If my DH started trying to tell me who I could and couldn’t be friends with we’d have a real problem.

Giveaschitt · 02/09/2022 22:45

I have mostly male friends. I've never rung my husband while I'm out or away for the weekend with them. Either you trust him or you don't. Either you believe they're just friends or you think there's more going on. You can't make him give up his friends, just as he shpildtn make you give up yours. If you can't trust him, you'd be better off walking away.

Original poster
Rachellilllian · 02/09/2022 22:45

No just would be nice to meet them and not feel worried about it

OP posts:
HappyChloé2 · 02/09/2022 22:45

Rachellilllian · 02/09/2022 22:44

No I probably don’t as we had a very rocky start and split. I’m really trying too but I feel excluded from meeting these girls

Do you ever see anyone without him being invited along?

If so, why the asymmetry?

SunshineLoving · 02/09/2022 22:46

Whenever someone posts on here about their partner having female friends, the replies are always that people can be friends with either gender and you shouldn't stop your partner having friends. I agree with this.

However, it would be too much for me if my partner was having a female friend round drunk in a hot tub and going out drinking together is also a bit too far.

I get you. We can all have friends of the opposite gender but I think you have to be mindful of how you are spending time with them so that it's not inappropriate or like dating.

FlissyPaps · 02/09/2022 22:48

Have you told him you’re worried? Honesty is the best policy here.

If he’s a decent guy he will reassure you that you’ve nothing to worry about it.

If he’s got something to hide and is taking you for a mug, he’ll probably react negatively.

Go with your gut. If you’re worried and can’t trust him what’s the point in this relationship?

Original poster
Rachellilllian · 02/09/2022 22:48

Thank you, feel like I’m getting a bashing.
Its not an issue having female friends, it’s not being included after over a year off seeing him. A lot has happened I haven’t just felt like this for no reason.

OP posts:
Giveaschitt · 02/09/2022 22:48

Rachellilllian · 02/09/2022 22:45

No just would be nice to meet them and not feel worried about it

But why would meeting them make a difference? Do you trust him? If you don't, then it's doomed anyway. Meeting them won't reassure you.

Original poster
Rachellilllian · 02/09/2022 22:50

Yes I have and no he won’t speak to me. He told me to talk to him if I’m worrying because of our past. I’m trying to work on not getting insecure but he knows he made the issues first time around

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 02/09/2022 22:51

Rachellilllian · 02/09/2022 22:48

Thank you, feel like I’m getting a bashing.
Its not an issue having female friends, it’s not being included after over a year off seeing him. A lot has happened I haven’t just felt like this for no reason.

If you don’t tell us the reasons or provide background information, we are unlikely to intuit it. We can only form opinions based on what you give us.

DashboardConfessional · 02/09/2022 22:52

Go with your gut. If you’re worried and can’t trust him what’s the point in this relationship?

This really. I do get it - nobody wants to be a mug and if he was to break up with you and start going out with say hot tub woman, and you told your friend she had often been round his drunk in a bikini, she'd probably be like well, duh, did you not think that was dodgy?

But... you can't police his relationships with lots of female friends. It's exhausting and not worth it.

Original poster
Rachellilllian · 02/09/2022 22:53

He messed me about once before and his female gay best friend told me she doesn't want to hang out with him anymore as she doesn't like how he treats women. He has been really trying to tell me everything he does to stop me worrying. I can’t help it

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 02/09/2022 22:55

We’re not bashing you OP. Posters are being honest. You’ve posted on the AIBU board, which is notorious for blunt and honest opinions.

If you’ve had a rocky past and reasons not to trust him it’s really not worth it. You obviously have different morals and boundaries.

In the nicest way possible this won’t work. If he refuses to speak to you about it now, he never will. Men rarely change their behaviour. You deserve someone who will respect you and vice versa.

Googlecanthelpme · 02/09/2022 22:55

Whether he’s allowed female friends or not is irrelevant - you do not feel comfortable with someone who has other woman over to his house in the hot tub. And that’s fine.

you don’t have to be all “cool girl” about this. I wouldn’t want this either and I am extremely relaxed and not a jealous person. But there are respectful boundaries of just not putting yourself in certain situations when you have a partner who you care about.

Coffee and a catch up? Sure. Evening in a hot tub? No.

This for me isn’t about trust, it’s about what is appropriate for you in a relationship.

what man needs to have endless female friends? And hot tub dwellers at that. Come on! I’m too long in the tooth for this shit.

OP if you’re not comfortable with his enjoyment of female company outside of your relationship then just end it. Don’t be made to feel like you’re being unreasonable - we are comfortable with what we’re comfortable with and you don’t need to be gaslighted to feel like a controlling arsehole just because you’re questioning this.

Original poster
Rachellilllian · 02/09/2022 22:56

It is exhausting 😞 and maybe I’m being unreasonable but if he said I’m meeting her this week but if u can’t do any other night, come along. I would of been absolutely fine it’

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 02/09/2022 22:57

He messed me about once before

In what way?

his female gay best friend told me she doesn't want to hang out with him anymore as she doesn't like how he treats women

Yet you continued to date him.

I can’t help it

It really irritates me when people say this. Of course you can. You’re not imprisoned in this relationship. If you’re unhappy, then end it.

Original poster
Rachellilllian · 02/09/2022 22:58

Thank u

OP posts:
Ilovechocolate87 · 02/09/2022 23:02

SunshineLoving · 02/09/2022 22:46

Whenever someone posts on here about their partner having female friends, the replies are always that people can be friends with either gender and you shouldn't stop your partner having friends. I agree with this.

However, it would be too much for me if my partner was having a female friend round drunk in a hot tub and going out drinking together is also a bit too far.

I get you. We can all have friends of the opposite gender but I think you have to be mindful of how you are spending time with them so that it's not inappropriate or like dating.

Totally agree with this! 👍

Zerrin13 · 02/09/2022 23:03

You are incompatible. He is an attention seeking twat. He enjoys making you uncomfortable. Get rid of his ass.

Original poster
Rachellilllian · 02/09/2022 23:05

I was recovering from an op at his recently and he went out with another female friend. He went and picked her up brought her to the house. Another time he agreed to meet me at a certain time but was seeing her for a swim first, he wasn’t there to meet me. I lost my shit about that as I went to beach and he was in the sea with her. He told me he won’t see her anymore as I said you hardly know her, he has know me longer

OP posts: