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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband got a tattoo without telling me

70 replies

Chickenleggs · 02/09/2022 18:40

Basically my husband has wanted a cover up on his arm for some time and has been showing me endless pictures of tattoos to try and get some inspiration - in all honesty I've showed little interest othet than to give my opinion as he is the type of person that talks about ideas for ages (and ages) but then never really organises anything so I didn't take it too seriously plus I have always told him that he doesn't have to get my approval as it's his body. He said he was going to work today (which is odd as he doesn't work Fridays) but I thought nothing of it. He came home from "work" and to my surprise, he'd had a tattoo done!! He obviously never went to work but he even rang me to say what time he would be home from work but I genuinely can't understand his reason for lying. I'm absolutely not bothered about the fact he has a tattoo as he is a grown man but I'm upset he didn't tell me when he's clearly had his appointment booked for a while (the tattoo artist he uses is booked up weeks if not months in advance) and he has told all his friends and family but yet didn't feel comfortable to tell me like I'd go crazy or tell him he couldn't have it done when he knows that's not true! He can't understand why I don't want to speak to him right now as his response was "you kept telling me to get it done and I didn't need your approval so I didn't think you would react like this". Am I being overly sensitive here or would you be a little upset that your husband told everyone else but not you and has told a few white lies in the process?

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 04/09/2022 07:38

I think it's weird that people need to know where their partner is every minute of the day

But if you do tell your partner where you are going, then at least tell the truth. It's the lying that's the problem here.

girlmom21 · 04/09/2022 07:58

Marvellousmadness · 04/09/2022 05:06

The way you secribe your own reaction tk his selection process of the tattoo:
no wonder he went out and done it without telling you.

I am with your dh and wouldn't have told you either considering your were so cold and blasé about the whole thing

But would you point blank lie to your partners face about where you were going?

Teddletime · 04/09/2022 08:07

I am always surprised by the number of MNers who encourage a poster to take the day off and have a day completely on her own and pretend to her husband that she is going into work.
Lots of chants, 'Do it, Do it'. No concerns about lying to her husband.
I don't like pretending stuff on either side

Original poster
Chickenleggs · 04/09/2022 08:24

MightbeMaybe · 04/09/2022 04:32

A lot of people are probably not going to read the thread properly and think you have a problem with the tattoo @Chickenleggs

YANBU, it's manipulative. He's deliberately lied and hid something totally innocuous from you, and at the same time is falsely giving people the impression you are generally difficult and will be angry at him.

Now that you are reasonably angry at the lying, hiding things and the unfair character distortion he has plopped down on you (to the others but now also to your face!), he has the perfect opportunity to take that kernel of truth, omitting the important context: "she was mad at me" and turn it into the distorted bizzarro version: "she was mad at me for getting the tattoo".
Translation: my wife is difficult, controlling and gets unreasonably angry at me for doing things that are totally reasonable.

Not very nice is it.

Thank you @MightbeMaybe you've absolutely hit the nail on the head. We've discussed it since and although he hasn't really given an explanation as to why he lied, I've accepted his apology and we'll now just move on from there unless he starts to pointlessly lie in the future. Thanks everyone for your opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickenleggs · 04/09/2022 08:24

MightbeMaybe · 04/09/2022 04:32

A lot of people are probably not going to read the thread properly and think you have a problem with the tattoo @Chickenleggs

YANBU, it's manipulative. He's deliberately lied and hid something totally innocuous from you, and at the same time is falsely giving people the impression you are generally difficult and will be angry at him.

Now that you are reasonably angry at the lying, hiding things and the unfair character distortion he has plopped down on you (to the others but now also to your face!), he has the perfect opportunity to take that kernel of truth, omitting the important context: "she was mad at me" and turn it into the distorted bizzarro version: "she was mad at me for getting the tattoo".
Translation: my wife is difficult, controlling and gets unreasonably angry at me for doing things that are totally reasonable.

Not very nice is it.

Thank you @MightbeMaybe you've absolutely hit the nail on the head. We've discussed it since and although he hasn't really given an explanation as to why he lied, I've accepted his apology and we'll now just move on from there unless he starts to pointlessly lie in the future. Thanks everyone for your opinion.

OP posts:
lljkk · 04/09/2022 08:36

OP is over-reacting.

RandomUsernameHere · 04/09/2022 08:50

in all honesty I've showed little interest

Maybe this is the reason?

MightbeMaybe · 04/09/2022 15:55

Chickenleggs · 04/09/2022 08:24

Thank you @MightbeMaybe you've absolutely hit the nail on the head. We've discussed it since and although he hasn't really given an explanation as to why he lied, I've accepted his apology and we'll now just move on from there unless he starts to pointlessly lie in the future. Thanks everyone for your opinion.

Show quote history

He won't ever give a reason why. Basically it boils down to because he can. It's also partly as a punishment for something.

I spent years confused in the fog of this behaviour, thinking it wasn't on purpose.

It really, really is on purpose. He's not a decent person, he doesn't like you. I'm really sorry Flowers

allinatizzy · 04/09/2022 16:36

Very odd of him to lie about it. I can't believe he doesn't understand why you are troubled by his choice to lie multiple times. He had no reason to think you'd either object or find it a pleasant surprise, so why lie?

YANBU to find it uncomfortable.

CambsAlways · 04/09/2022 17:24

Bit strange to tell you he was going to work, why lie! But maybe wanted to suprise u even though you didn’t show much interest,

MightbeMaybe · 04/09/2022 17:26

To add to my last post@Chickenleggs

I'll make a prediction. He will have been lying about you to others for some time now, and to you on a near daily basis. You will find out more down the line and he will say he doesn't know why he does it or when pushed frame himself as a victim somehow. It will never be his fault, he will never accept responsibility.

He will apologise, oh yes! You'll be drowning in "sorry"'s! But he will never stop doing it.

He enjoys punishing you by lying (and probably other passive aggressive behaviours), and he enjoys punishing you by ostracising you from friends and family with his character assassinating behaviour and words regarding you.

Save yourself years and if you can go see a therapist, it was enormously helpful to me. MN opened my eyes to it but it still took me years to get out because I couldn't wrap my head around, as I say, that it is a purposeful behaviour, a conscious decision, and pointedly a him Vs you situation. Your "d"H is not a team player and enjoys getting one over on you, portraying you as the villain and acting the victim.

switswoo81 · 04/09/2022 17:34

@MightbeMaybe it sounds like you have had a tough time in the past but I don't know if it's fair to project these experiences onto her.

CornishGem1975 · 04/09/2022 17:41

Mine goes off and gets tattoos without telling me he's doing it, he's got loads anyway so it doesn't bother me if he adds another, I'd probably not notice!

DONTMESSWITHMEDARNA · 04/09/2022 18:00

tattoo i wouldn't care about but the lying would be a deal breaker

MightbeMaybe · 04/09/2022 18:21

switswoo81 · 04/09/2022 17:34

@MightbeMaybe it sounds like you have had a tough time in the past but I don't know if it's fair to project these experiences onto her.

I'm not saying I know this is happening for absolute fact but I'd bet you pennies to pounds I'm probably fairly close just from the snapshot OP gave.

Decent people don't need to frame others as unreasonable when they are not and they don't lie for no reason and in ways that don't benefit them (on the surface).

People lie to gain benefit. Where is OPs DH benefiting by giving the impression to others that his wife is difficult?

Good people don't need to do this, that and my personal experience + seeing it happen to others a few times leads me to think on balance I'm probably right that there's a lot more goes on OP doesn't know about.

MightbeMaybe · 04/09/2022 18:23

@switswoo81 sorry, I do appreciate the tact in your post tagging me and you might be right, I didn't mean to sound combative towards you in my last post.

Leafy3 · 04/09/2022 18:26

I'm upset he didn't tell me when he's clearly had his appointment booked for a while (the tattoo artist he uses is booked up weeks if not months in advance) and he has told all his friends and family but yet didn't feel comfortable to tell me like I'd go crazy or tell him he couldn't have it done when he knows that's not true

Yanbu

So hes effectively bad mouthed you to his friends and gone behind your back to make you look bad?
Yes - I'd be furious with this too.

Bournetilly · 04/09/2022 18:27

YANBU
Was it meant to be a surprise? (Doesn’t seem like it though if he’s been asking you to look at tattoos).
I wouldn’t of been bothered if he didn’t lie about going to work and about the time he would be home from work, such a strange thing to lie about as obviously you would find out. Unless it was a surprise.

CoolerThanIceCream · 04/09/2022 18:53

A ‘surprise’?

Somebody else’s tattoo is a really, really shit surprise.

‘I’ve had something done to me - surprise!’

🥱

switswoo81 · 04/09/2022 19:31

@MightbeMaybe goodness no problem. We all come here with our own stories and experiences .

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