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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband got a tattoo without telling me

70 replies

Chickenleggs · 02/09/2022 18:40

Basically my husband has wanted a cover up on his arm for some time and has been showing me endless pictures of tattoos to try and get some inspiration - in all honesty I've showed little interest othet than to give my opinion as he is the type of person that talks about ideas for ages (and ages) but then never really organises anything so I didn't take it too seriously plus I have always told him that he doesn't have to get my approval as it's his body. He said he was going to work today (which is odd as he doesn't work Fridays) but I thought nothing of it. He came home from "work" and to my surprise, he'd had a tattoo done!! He obviously never went to work but he even rang me to say what time he would be home from work but I genuinely can't understand his reason for lying. I'm absolutely not bothered about the fact he has a tattoo as he is a grown man but I'm upset he didn't tell me when he's clearly had his appointment booked for a while (the tattoo artist he uses is booked up weeks if not months in advance) and he has told all his friends and family but yet didn't feel comfortable to tell me like I'd go crazy or tell him he couldn't have it done when he knows that's not true! He can't understand why I don't want to speak to him right now as his response was "you kept telling me to get it done and I didn't need your approval so I didn't think you would react like this". Am I being overly sensitive here or would you be a little upset that your husband told everyone else but not you and has told a few white lies in the process?

OP posts:
Agrudge · 02/09/2022 18:48

Maybe he wanted it to be a surprise
I think your over reacting

PugInTheHouse · 02/09/2022 18:48

I was totally ready to say you were being unreasonable but I absolutely hate this kind of lying. DH does this all the time over really stupid stuff, I've never understood why as we're really chilled with going out/going away with mates etc and it's always over stuff I genuinely don't care about.

IceStationZebra · 02/09/2022 18:48

It’s weird that he told you he was going to work, but it’s not weird to not tell you specifically if you’ve shown little interest in the past.

Culldesack · 02/09/2022 18:50

It's his body, not yours, as you acknowledge. The fact that you are asking if YABU, surely says he knew it wasnt worth telling you, as you wouldnt agree with him.

Sunnyqueen · 02/09/2022 18:51

I think it was obviously meant to be some sort of pleasant surprise for you. Bit misguided lol but no malice or harm meant or done, so I wouldn't make it in to an issue.

chipsandpeas · 02/09/2022 18:58

Well you have shown little interest and said he doesn’t your approval so why bother telling you beforehand

Kualma · 02/09/2022 19:08

Cue the nasty comments but LTB!

FruitPastilleNut · 02/09/2022 19:08

Yeah it seems like a surprise to me too. I think yabu, it's not like you caught him out in a lie, it's an 'obvious' (now) white lie that's caused no harm.

Firstawake · 02/09/2022 19:11

Probably because you showed no interest and are not bothered, your own words.

Owlsinmybedroom · 02/09/2022 19:17

I get it, its not that he had it done without telling you. Its that he was clearly comfortable with making up a whole fictitious day and feed you the lies. I had an ex like this. It made me question whether I could ever trust them and what else he might be doing when he said he was doing something else.

He needs to understand that your reaction has nothing to do with the tattoo and everything to do with him breaking your trust.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 02/09/2022 19:33

What was he getting covered up? Surely it can't be that much of a surprise if he already had a tattoo before?!!!

SoupDragon · 02/09/2022 19:37

Why do you think he felt the need to lie? Have you asked him?

Chdjdn · 02/09/2022 19:40

Has he said why he didn’t tell you? DH did this once and in retrospect I think he didn’t really want my opinion on what he was getting, most probably because I would have said it was bigger than I thought it should be but once he had it done I wasn’t going to say that as it was too late

SunshineLoving · 02/09/2022 19:40

By saying it's his own body and not showing interest, you made it seem like he didn't need to tell you. It's a little odd though that he told other people and not you. He probably did it to surprise you and you've put a dampner on something that should be nice. He was probably happy with it before you reacted like this.

Rockbird · 02/09/2022 19:42

The lying would piss me off. His body, get a tattoo whatever but don't lie about where you're going. That's very immature.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/09/2022 19:43

Not speaking to him is ridiculous

I'm guessing that either he did it as a surprise or thought you didn't really want him getting it and didn't want an argument. It's a slightly odd way to handle your partner, but I don't think it's worth getting bent out of shape over it.

Original poster
Chickenleggs · 02/09/2022 19:55

Owlsinmybedroom · 02/09/2022 19:17

I get it, its not that he had it done without telling you. Its that he was clearly comfortable with making up a whole fictitious day and feed you the lies. I had an ex like this. It made me question whether I could ever trust them and what else he might be doing when he said he was doing something else.

He needs to understand that your reaction has nothing to do with the tattoo and everything to do with him breaking your trust.

100% this. He knew I didn't mind him getting a tattoo so why tell everyone else and then lie to me - it makes no sense! I get I wasn't ridiculously excited about it when he told me but that's because he talks about doing certain things all the time and then never actually follows through with it so why wouldn't you even just mention it in passing considering we live in the same house. I guess I am being slightly unreasonable but trust me when I say he would hit the roof if I did anything similar and told all my friends and family first whether he was happy for me to get it done or not.

OP posts:
NiceTwin · 02/09/2022 19:58

You need to say what you mean!
You said you weren't bothered and now you are.
Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't tell you.

FlissyPaps · 02/09/2022 19:58

Him lying about being at work is weird. I think that would be my main issue.

If you made it clear to him that he didn’t ‘need your approval’ I’m not sure why he felt like he hid the fact he’d booked it.

Pumperthepumper · 02/09/2022 19:59

I hate this kind of weird gaslighting. As if your only options are being absolutely delighted about something or being happy about being lied to. So I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

What is the tattoo? Is it shit?

GoodVibesHere · 02/09/2022 20:02

Was he perhaps nervous about getting it done, i.e. the pain? Maybe he wanted his own headspace and didn't want to discuss it on the day, wanted to do it quickly and quietly etc.? I know that's how I am when I'm getting a bit nervy.

Nagado · 02/09/2022 20:04

NiceTwin · 02/09/2022 19:58

You need to say what you mean!
You said you weren't bothered and now you are.
Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't tell you.

She did say what she meant! She didn’t care if he got a tattoo and she still doesn’t care now that he’s had the tattoo. What she cares about is that he made up some ridiculously convoluted story about his plans for the day and it was all a load of bollocks. He’s not damned if he tells her he’s booked a tattoo. He’s damned if he lies to her.

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 20:05

I read the post thinking you were being ridiculous until the lying thing. Not telling you is one thing. Lying to your face is another.

NiceTwin · 02/09/2022 20:10

I think it's weird that people need to know where their partner is every minute of the day.
He probably wanted to surprise her, that is all and hence his elaborate tale.
Op had made it clear she wasn't interested in any design input, so why should she be interested that he'd made an appointment.

PugInTheHouse · 02/09/2022 20:18

I don't believe it was for a surprise, why would he want to surprise her with something he knows shes not fussed about. He was lying to her for no reason.