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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband got a tattoo without telling me

70 replies

Chickenleggs · 02/09/2022 18:40

Basically my husband has wanted a cover up on his arm for some time and has been showing me endless pictures of tattoos to try and get some inspiration - in all honesty I've showed little interest othet than to give my opinion as he is the type of person that talks about ideas for ages (and ages) but then never really organises anything so I didn't take it too seriously plus I have always told him that he doesn't have to get my approval as it's his body. He said he was going to work today (which is odd as he doesn't work Fridays) but I thought nothing of it. He came home from "work" and to my surprise, he'd had a tattoo done!! He obviously never went to work but he even rang me to say what time he would be home from work but I genuinely can't understand his reason for lying. I'm absolutely not bothered about the fact he has a tattoo as he is a grown man but I'm upset he didn't tell me when he's clearly had his appointment booked for a while (the tattoo artist he uses is booked up weeks if not months in advance) and he has told all his friends and family but yet didn't feel comfortable to tell me like I'd go crazy or tell him he couldn't have it done when he knows that's not true! He can't understand why I don't want to speak to him right now as his response was "you kept telling me to get it done and I didn't need your approval so I didn't think you would react like this". Am I being overly sensitive here or would you be a little upset that your husband told everyone else but not you and has told a few white lies in the process?

OP posts:

Apl · 02/09/2022 20:34

NiceTwin · 02/09/2022 19:58

You need to say what you mean!
You said you weren't bothered and now you are.
Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't tell you.

This.

By the way, he wanted to choose a tatoo with you and he was annoyed and a little hurt by your complete lack of interest in how he looks. Him not telling you intil it was done was probably some kind of petty ‘ha, I will do it alone then.’

And now you’re annoyed and instead of working on your marriage issues you’re posting on Mumsnet.

You both sound very mature 🤔

Original poster

Chickenleggs · 02/09/2022 20:36

NiceTwin · 02/09/2022 20:10

I think it's weird that people need to know where their partner is every minute of the day.
He probably wanted to surprise her, that is all and hence his elaborate tale.
Op had made it clear she wasn't interested in any design input, so why should she be interested that he'd made an appointment.

Thanks for replying. I appreciate your opinion but I definitely never need to know where my partner is 24/7 and we hardly speak during the weekdays as we're both busy at work. I never asked to know his whereabouts but he told me where he was going which was just a total lie. I mean he literally could have just said I'm going out and I'll be back later with no questions asked. Would you appreciate your partner making up a lie that everyone else knew about when there was no genuine reason?

OP posts:

FlissyPaps · 02/09/2022 20:36

He probably wanted to surprise her, that is all and hence his elaborate tale.

Nah. It’s shady and weird to lie about being at work. I don’t see why he would want to surprise her when she made it clear she’s shown little interest in the tattoo.

I strongly believe in “your body your choice”. He should be able get whatever tattoo he wants. But to lie about his whereabouts - dodgey.

PinkiOcelot · 02/09/2022 20:40

I was going to say you were unreasonable, but I don’t understand why he lied, especially saying he was going to work. Why?

Allinadayswork80 · 02/09/2022 20:49

Maybe it was supposed to be a surprise “tadaaa” moment? It’s the sort of thing I might do if I was to get a new hairstyle done or something, pretend I was going elsewhere and then surprise my OH. Maybe not meant to be devious?

FruitPastilleNut · 02/09/2022 21:00

@Allinadayswork80 yes I agree.

I did it with a hair do years ago with my mum. I told her I was going to a friend's house but instead went to the hairdresser and got 6 inches cut off and dyed it bright red.

I just wanted the surprise/to see the look on her face. If she'd sat me down and tried to have some kind of conversation about lying, that would have been extremely odd and totally unnecessary.

I honestly think the op is turning this tiny molehill into a huge mountain. I'm all for honestly in a relationship but to make a huge deal out of this specific scenario is just weird, controlling and way ott.

ManateeFair · 02/09/2022 21:05

You knew he wanted to get a tattoo, you didn’t mind, he tried to talk to you but you didn’t show much interest because you’re dismissive about his plans, so he then surprised you with it - a thing he knew you were OK with and which is on his own body. And you ‘don’t want to talk to him’ because of this? Sorry, but you’re being ridiculously unreasonable.

ManateeFair · 02/09/2022 21:08

Would you appreciate your partner making up a lie that everyone else knew about when there was no genuine reason?

In this particular instance, I really wouldn’t mind in the slightest. I just cannot see the big deal at all.

Choconut · 02/09/2022 21:22

Yeah I get it OP, it wasn't that he didn't tell you, it was that he made up a lie about what he was doing. If he wanted it to be surprise (although why he would when it was obvious you weren't bothered) then he could just have said he was popping out, but he made up going to work and even pretended he was there when he phoned you. To me this is really weird behaviour and I wouldn't like it.

Pilipalapal · 02/09/2022 21:33

Sounds like he just wanted to do a grand, surprise reveal. I don’t see the issue, at all.

Rockbird · 03/09/2022 11:59

It's not the tattoo or needing to know where your partner is 24/7. It's about him telling everyone else where he was going and telling you a lie. Why could he not just say "I'm getting that tattoo sorted tomorrow" or, if he really felt she was disinterested, say nothing. But one story for everyone else and a different one for her. That's shitty.

FrozenGhost · 03/09/2022 12:12

Yanbu, he could have said "I'm going out for a while" or "see you in a bit" or even just left and said nothing.

I went out with a man who did this all the time, told stupid lies about things I wouldn't have cared about anyway. If I said I didn't appreciate the lying, that was "proof" that I "would have gone crazy".

Oh well, if he wants to keep it to himself fine, give him that. Completely ignore it and give it no attention or discussion. And remind him you'll now feel free to lie any time.

FruitPastilleNut · 03/09/2022 13:18

Yanbu, he could have said "I'm going out for a while" or "see you in a bit" or even just left and said nothing

This completely baffles me...do people really do this irl?

I'm not controlling in the slightest and neither is DH - but we've been together for approaching 20 years and have 3 dc. If he randomly said he was popping out, I'd say 'oh where?' and expect an answer. So would he.

Our lives are unavoidably intertwined...i'd ask because I'd be thinking is he going to be back in time for dinner/he can maybe nip in Lidl for milk on his way back if he's going that way/will he be back in time for xyz we have planned.

I wouldn't want to be in any relationship where we both wandered in and out at will with no consideration for the other family members and a 'mind your own business' attitude. How utterly odd!

FrozenGhost · 03/09/2022 23:31

This completely baffles me...do people really do this irl?

Yes, I do. I have a good relationship, so it's not doing it out of bad feelings. But if I'm going out for a few minutes, my DH wouldn't need to know the specifics. He'd realise I was going on a minor errand, what else would I be doing? I'd find having to account for every minute quite suffocating.

Sunnytwobridges · 04/09/2022 01:26

Rockbird · 02/09/2022 19:42

The lying would piss me off. His body, get a tattoo whatever but don't lie about where you're going. That's very immature.

This. I wouldn’t care about the tat but the fact he lied and said he was going to work would be piss me off. But as long as he doesn’t have a habit of lying then I wouldn’t let this bother me too much

WeAllHaveWings · 04/09/2022 01:32

Misplaced attempt to surprise you after you told him if he wanted it to just get it done. You are overreacting.

CoolerThanIceCream · 04/09/2022 01:34

Wow, the point really is flying miles high over many people’s heads ….

I don’t think the OP needed him to tell her what he was doing today.

She just really doesn’t get why he LIED about where he was - and to her only.

ReeseWitherfork · 04/09/2022 01:40

Really not about the tattoo is it? Bizarre choice of thread title. He could have gone to help old ladies cross the road all day, the point is that he lied.

MightbeMaybe · 04/09/2022 04:32

A lot of people are probably not going to read the thread properly and think you have a problem with the tattoo @Chickenleggs

YANBU, it's manipulative. He's deliberately lied and hid something totally innocuous from you, and at the same time is falsely giving people the impression you are generally difficult and will be angry at him.

Now that you are reasonably angry at the lying, hiding things and the unfair character distortion he has plopped down on you (to the others but now also to your face!), he has the perfect opportunity to take that kernel of truth, omitting the important context: "she was mad at me" and turn it into the distorted bizzarro version: "she was mad at me for getting the tattoo".
Translation: my wife is difficult, controlling and gets unreasonably angry at me for doing things that are totally reasonable.

Not very nice is it.

Pyewhacket · 04/09/2022 04:38

How old are you ?

TheClitterati · 04/09/2022 05:01

The people I've met in life who drop unnecessary lies, always turn out to be completely untrustworthy.

If someone effortlessly tells lies for no reason at all, imagine what they will do if boxed into a corner.

🚩🚩🚩

Marvellousmadness · 04/09/2022 05:06

The way you secribe your own reaction tk his selection process of the tattoo:
no wonder he went out and done it without telling you.

I am with your dh and wouldn't have told you either considering your were so cold and blasé about the whole thing

Marvellousmadness · 04/09/2022 05:08

I think HE should LTB

flyingant · 04/09/2022 05:37

@Chickenleggs I think him having the tattoo and not telling you is absolutely fine, under the circumstances. Him lying about it...twice... is weird unless it was supposed to be a nice surprise, which doesn't seem to be the case. What is his reason for lying?

FOJN · 04/09/2022 07:29

The tattoo is irrelevant here.

You are clearly not a controlling or suspicious person because you accepted it when he told you he was working on a Friday when he doesn't usually. The issue is the pointless lie. A lie he'd been planning to tell for weeks or months. I'd be pissed off about that too.

Why would he damage trust in your relationship when you were indifferent to him getting a tattoo?

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