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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DH has no idea the weight of responsibility I am feeling

69 replies

Pudpud30 · 02/09/2022 17:30

I’ve reached the end of my tether today and have just spent the last ten mins hiding in the kitchen to have a cry 🙈

DD starts reception next week, which is already making me feel emotional, and DS is also at primary school. All the ‘school’ admin falls to me and with DD starting there is extra with filling in ‘getting to know me’ style forms and a summer holiday scrapbook. I love doing things like that with the kids but I also work four days a week in a stressful job, and all the house responsibility - cooking, cleaning etc - also falls to me.

DH would argue that I take it all on and he’d help if I asked him to, but the mental load is on me to delegate and even when I do ask him he isn’t very reliable at actually getting things done, which just causes more work for me in the long run.

We both work from home, and whether relevant or not, he is generally more able in his job to work fixed hours without overtime and I am the main breadwinner. So I also feel pressure to keep it together for work.

I had today off as holiday to look after the kids and to do so I worked late last night after they’d gone to bed. Today we’ve been trying to get school bits sorted and the house has become more of a muddle, I’ve been feeling everything getting on top of me and went into the office to ask DH if he’d be finishing work in time to help get DS ready for football and he snapped that “he’s busy”. I became upset and said I felt like today was breaking me and I could just do with some help and his response was that he “doesn’t behave like this” when he has the kids.

I get he’s busy, but I also don’t think he has any idea what it takes to run a house, hold down a stressful job, and get two kids ready for school. He is also never too busy to go out three times a week to play football (for him!), whereas I struggle to get left alone for long enough to even had a bath in peace!

Aibu to feel like this and am I the only one?!

OP posts:

maybein2022 · 02/09/2022 17:33

YANBU BUT you need to share the load and delegate. He’s got used to you doing everything, and (gently) I wonder if you need to have things done a certain way? I totally understand the mental load of having to explain/tell your husband what needs doing- after many years of me feeling very cross that he didn’t just ‘get it’, I made peace with the fact I’d have to be more specific and now he does so, so much more.

As time has gone on, I’ve had to be less specific and we now have pretty clearly defined jobs and routines. Baby number 3 is about to arrive and I am determined this time that it will not be all on me again. Talk to him. Think about what he could do to share the load.

CatherinedeBourgh · 02/09/2022 17:36

I agree with maybe that sharing the load does involve letting go of exactly how things are done.

Do the things that you absolutely want to have done a particular way, tell your dh the others are his responsibility and if he doesn't do them well so be it.

Topgub · 02/09/2022 17:38

Yanbu but why are you putting up with it?

Buttingtons · 02/09/2022 17:38

Wtf, so you're the breadwinner but you're also the housewife that does 100% of the house/child related admin?

Fuck that. Get a whiteboard, write his jobs on it, with completion dates for when they need to be done. Force more work on the lazy bastard.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 02/09/2022 17:39

Get him to do some fixed tasks which once set don't then need you to manage further. For example he takes care of all his laundry and weekend clothes for the dc, plus cooks on a Tues, Thurs and Sat. You do your clothes and school uniform/ activities and cook the other days. If he runs out of clean clothes he will soon realise he needs to wash some.

JuneOsborne · 02/09/2022 17:41

Something has to change.

Figure out the goal and then the steps to get there.

If you have a parent mail app, make sure he's on it. Get him to fill out the booklet. If you've got into a rut where the entire mental load falls to you, you may have to spend some time delegating, which is a pain. But the end goal is not having to delegate. So get him on board.

And if he won't get on board, stop doing things that help him out. Quickest way to lighten the mental load is to ditch tasks. So don't iron his shirts, don't move his stuff back to where it goes, don't buy that extra faffy meal he enjoys. Etc. Lightened the load immediately.

BuenoSucia · 02/09/2022 17:43

You’d be so much happier single. That way you only need to do ONE lot of thinking. You can hire a cleaner, operate google calendar like a ninja and probably even find yourself financially better off because not only are you the breadwinner - but IME men spunk money on all sorts of crap.

or were you looking for a magical sentence to make him fall in line?

NewYorkLassie · 02/09/2022 17:47

You need to pick your moments better. If I was interrupted by someone with the day off work to ask when i was going to be free to help in that moment I’d be pretty pissed off.

I do understand how you feel though (currently silently raging that OH has planned a work trip for the first day of school, didn’t even cross his mind to make sure one of us is around).

I’ve delegated responsibility for all homework to OH and reading. Could be an option to take something off your plate?

Original poster

Pudpud30 · 02/09/2022 17:48

I will admit I am a perfectionist (harder on myself than him I think) but also find myself being excessively grateful, or if not that I am expected to be, for whatever he does do.

We have spoken about this numerous times and he’ll tend to help more then it gradually fizzles out until my next meltdown. The fact is he knows if he doesn’t do something I will.

I’d love to just go on strike and see how long it takes him to notice no shopping is arriving/house is a tip etc but clearly wouldn’t be fair on the kids 😂

OP posts:

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 02/09/2022 17:48

Jesus. That’s not right. I’m a sahm so I do the majority of the this stuff but DH is more than capable of pulling his weight. Because I do most of it, it does mean I need to tell him what to do. You need to sit down and divide up the jobs.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 02/09/2022 17:48

Pudpud30 · 02/09/2022 17:48

I will admit I am a perfectionist (harder on myself than him I think) but also find myself being excessively grateful, or if not that I am expected to be, for whatever he does do.

We have spoken about this numerous times and he’ll tend to help more then it gradually fizzles out until my next meltdown. The fact is he knows if he doesn’t do something I will.

I’d love to just go on strike and see how long it takes him to notice no shopping is arriving/house is a tip etc but clearly wouldn’t be fair on the kids 😂

He needs to given responsibility for certain jobs/areas so he has the mental load.

Buttingtons · 02/09/2022 17:51

Ok op, so what do you do for him specifically that he is capable of doing himself? Does he do his own laundry?

Original poster

Pudpud30 · 02/09/2022 17:52

Clearly delegating is a good plan, quite like the whiteboard idea too!

OP posts:

BloodyCamping · 02/09/2022 17:53

Look just allocate him the weekday cooking each night and food shopping, leave him to it and don’t rescue him

Longdistance · 02/09/2022 17:54

I don’t like that bit where he said you only have to ask and then he bit your head off when you did ask.
He needs a kick up the arse!

ShirleyPhallus · 02/09/2022 17:55

Why are there so many threads about this honestly. So depressing

Dragonskin · 02/09/2022 17:55

Split the tasks between you. By that I mean the entire task including the mental load eg if cooking is his task then he is responsible for meal planning, buying the stuff needed for it (or at least adding it to the shopping list of shopping sits with you) and if he doesn't do it, don't swoop in and pick things up on his behalf because it's his problem to fix. He doesn't have the right ingredients then he needs to either go and get them or cook something else, what's been bought has gone off then he needs to go and get a replacement or sort something else out....

It's the only way to do it, he is equally responsible for things as you are so reset expectations so you are no longer 'Manager' of the family. Of course it's going to mean you have to not get twitchy if things aren't how you want them

Original poster

Pudpud30 · 02/09/2022 17:57

Manager is a good way of describing it. Genuinely would eat anything though if he’d cook it and give me a break, I’m not an utter tyrant 😆

OP posts:

Mumsnut · 02/09/2022 17:58

Tell him you’re goi g to trial 50/50 custody. You will cover the home load next week (because let’s face it , he wouldn’t get your dd to school at all, let alone settled there) and he can cover the following one, etc etc . That means everything that you usually do in addition to work will be done by you in your weeks, and him in his weeks. You will work five days a week to even things out.

Original poster

Pudpud30 · 02/09/2022 18:00

Also just to clarify that I went into the office an hour after he said he was expecting to finish - so clearly he was working later than expected (cue busy) but he does have form for essentially hiding in there because it’s easier than being in the house!

OP posts:

maybein2022 · 02/09/2022 18:04

Honestly OP, sit down and talk to him. Make lists, get a whiteboard or a planner as PP said. And delegate and share. His reaction and how he does stuff will tell you everything you need to know. In all honesty, I think my husband would still love it if I did everything. I mean who wouldn’t?! But he knows it’s not an option!

Also, I am like you and am a perfectionist, so I chose to do tasks I’d find hard to let go of. So I do all school admin for example. Bins, dishwasher etc I care less about how they’re done 🤣

Original poster

Pudpud30 · 02/09/2022 18:06

😄 share the same view on those things so good ones to hand over!

OP posts:

OneMomentPlease · 02/09/2022 18:12

I would make an effort to change this now because it will only get worse. Agree as a couple the areas you will each be responsible for, then his things you never have to think about again. E.g, you do all school admin, he does everything relating to out of school activities and wrap around care - finding/enrolling/buying kits etc, you look after pets he is solely responsible for wider family birthdays, whatever works to each of your strengths.

Writing a list of tasks for him to do is no good as it’s the mental load that’s the killer. Don’t accept constructive incompetence as an excuse either. I think it’s important to have confidence that DH can run ‘life stuff’, what would happen at the moment if you were incapacitated for any reason?

ThirtyThreeTrees · 02/09/2022 18:16

I'm sorry but this is only happening with your permission. You are allowing it and facilitating it.

You can change it but don't appear willing to.

Divide tasks, if he messes up, so be it. He can then deal with repairing it.

Dishwashersaurous · 02/09/2022 18:26

You need to properly delegate. Eg Wednesday and Friday he does everything. School run. Dinner . Bedtime etc. If something is forgotten it's his responsibility.

It's much easier to split responsibility for whole days otherwise it's not clear who is doing what.

Why are you working on the evening of a days leave? If you are basically doing a full time job would it be easier to be full time and get paid for it?

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