To think that DH has no idea the weight of responsibility I am feeling

[Pudpud30]

I’ve reached the end of my tether today and have just spent the last ten mins hiding in the kitchen to have a cry 🙈

DD starts reception next week, which is already making me feel emotional, and DS is also at primary school. All the ‘school’ admin falls to me and with DD starting there is extra with filling in ‘getting to know me’ style forms and a summer holiday scrapbook. I love doing things like that with the kids but I also work four days a week in a stressful job, and all the house responsibility - cooking, cleaning etc - also falls to me.

DH would argue that I take it all on and he’d help if I asked him to, but the mental load is on me to delegate and even when I do ask him he isn’t very reliable at actually getting things done, which just causes more work for me in the long run.

We both work from home, and whether relevant or not, he is generally more able in his job to work fixed hours without overtime and I am the main breadwinner. So I also feel pressure to keep it together for work.

I had today off as holiday to look after the kids and to do so I worked late last night after they’d gone to bed. Today we’ve been trying to get school bits sorted and the house has become more of a muddle, I’ve been feeling everything getting on top of me and went into the office to ask DH if he’d be finishing work in time to help get DS ready for football and he snapped that “he’s busy”. I became upset and said I felt like today was breaking me and I could just do with some help and his response was that he “doesn’t behave like this” when he has the kids.

I get he’s busy, but I also don’t think he has any idea what it takes to run a house, hold down a stressful job, and get two kids ready for school. He is also never too busy to go out three times a week to play football (for him!), whereas I struggle to get left alone for long enough to even had a bath in peace!

Aibu to feel like this and am I the only one?!

I despise men like this. Why do they need to be told what to do? Do they think women are born with the knowledge? They’re just lazy cunts.

You’re the breadwinner, you do all the grunt work for the house and children and when you’re clearly at breaking point, instead of supporting you, he makes out that he is not only as mentally and physically taxed as you are, but that he’s superior at coping with it. Fuck him. He’s not on your side.

You are not the only one - I could have written your post! Don’t know what the answer is, it’s caused so many arguments. I literally have to write a list and spell out what jobs I’m delegating to DH as that seems only way. If I don’t and just leave things for him to deal, they either don’t get done or it’s a last minute shambles so I’ve just accepted that he needs direction and I have to allocate specific jobs to him. Not ideal but I don’t know what else to do! Watching this thread for suggestions but just wanted to let you know I share your pain! Society just doesn’t seem to have adapted for breadwinner mums with stressful jobs, we’re still expected to pick up all the other stuff on top!

Allocating a whole area like 'food' is a good idea as it has to be done, and it is obvious when it hasn't been done.
So from next week he meal plans, shops, puts the food away and cooks. You can help load the dishwasher but putting it on and ensuring you have dishwasher tabs and rinse aid etc is his area.
All you do is let him know when the milk is running low, and sit down to dinner every evening.
Don't get involved, don't criticise, don't help.

He does 'food' so you do 'clothes' - washing, putting away, buying new etc.

If you are taking on school admin, give him extra curricular admin - it's now his job to pay the fees, go on the parent rota, take the kids and collect them. Football and ballet lessons are now nothing to do with you. He packs the bags for cub camp.

Cleaning is a bit more of a contentious issue, especially if you have differing standards. But maybe you could split it so you are responsible for downstairs, he is responsible for upstairs.
Or you could take charge of cleaning but offload a load of mental load stuff to him - bill paying, house & car maintenance?

You need to delegate. You also need to chill if something is done well enough but not exactly to your standards.

For example my husband will get the kids up and dressed. They will be clean and in reasonable clothing for the weather, however not the outfits I would have chosen. Does it really matter?

What I would caution against, if you delegate tasks and then criticise or redo them to your standards, then you almost give permission for him not to do them or even bother trying

The book Fair Play was written for you. Buy it and then implement it

I wouldn’t be delegating anything, nor using a whiteboard. It still puts it on OP to mentally plan and assign everything.

You need a conversation first about how you’re feeling and that he needs to step up. Be proactive is saying you don’t have time to do X and for anything non vital, just do not do. He won’t feel it until it isn’t done and it becomes a problem. IE his washing, any dishes, food shopping except for stuff the kids can get by on etc. make him feel the burdon you do

I had a conversation about this with my teenage son at the weekend... my husband is pretty good but it does take time and I am trying to prepare my sons for adulthood and being a functioning parent and spouse if that is the direction life takes them.
I talked about how I used to feel exhausted, upset, angry and used working, dealing with him and his brother and the housework, and my DH doing the minimal, he would cook, bins out but not "think" I would do what you do and struggle on asking for help... which is tiring in its self, before melting down.
My son listened to my issues I. The early year (this was not a moan and I was clear his dad is brilliant now) and he said "why would he, nothing had changed for him" it was a bold plain statement that had me floored frankly.
My son 17 said well, you had us, then you had mat leave, then went to work taking us to nursery, nothing changed for dad other than maybe night feeds and the odd nappy, if you didn't tell him or get him to do more things from the start why would he feel the need to change?"
I said "surely he could see I was run ragged?"
"Why would he? He still got food, clean clothes, went to his sports, While you gave up going out and your hobbies, he was never expected by you to fill in those gaps... his world stayed the same size whilst yours got bigger and bigger and you ended up just running around in it..."
He then said "anyway even if he did see it, it is easy to ignore it, and easier to do nothing if no one is expecting results, you expected him to be crap... he did not disappoint"

This may sound very negative and my son is very astute on the ways people think, it was not necessarily what he would do (it is what he would do!)

Things he told me would help, are men being responsible without their partner "filling in the gaps" he said when I go out I tell them what I have left for lunch or what's available... he said dad walks out the door.
He suggested men look after their children exclusively without the help of relatives, he said he loves his holidays in his fathers home country (I don't go) because his dad has to look after them and give his brothers a break from the care needs of his elderly parents... my son says his dad cooks about twice and the rest of the time they eat take away because his dad is so tired... (this explains why when he comes home he is better at helping with cooking) he said the best thing that I ever said was after the first time they came back and he dumped all the washing in front of the machine. I said in a normal voice "oh is your parents machine broken?" the look of shock on DH face...I do remember that, it had never even occurred to him that he do the washing... someone has always done it!
Life is so much better, I have almost adult boys who ladies I will continue to educate and get to do chores for the "whole family" all these comment stating make him do his own... why just his own?
I found writing a list weekly, daily and having jobs which are his and his alone works.
I realised yes I have more of the house hold admin but one day I lost my shit and said I can't run 4 peoples lives and do all the work... the penny dropped! I am the manager and managers don't do all the work they lead, organise and delegate the work. I split the admin for school and other medical issues our sons have he used to through up his hands and say but I don't know... he does now.

It's not perfect but it works and I am not a seething mass of anger, and upset anymore...
Oh and the internet of things... bloody love it... set up the mashing machine and tumble drier to tell him they have finished cuts out the middle man 🤣

Good luck but you have to start small and remember you are the manager,
Delegate... also if he does it wrong make him do it again! And again and again, until they realise you are not going to take it back.

Honesty most of us did this... to our mothers!

I think your son has absolutely hit the nail on the head! Really good advice, thank you 😊

You are getting excellent advice.

Unfortunately he is a selfish waster and will continue to be so until YOU insist otherwise.

An instant change would be handing over ALL food shopping and cooking for a month so that he is able to see what is involved.

Stop doing any laundry for him.

Any man going to football 3 times a week is a shit father and partner.

You have accepted his behaviour.

I feel very sorry for your children in all of this.

One shit waster of a father who avoids them and family life.

One parent run absolutely ragged.

Don't for a second think your children do not absorb all the stress of this situation.

The difference between you and other women who are not in this situation, is they simply wouldn't tolerate a man being such a shit father to their children.

You deserve better, but so do your children.
He doesn't give a damn about any of you.

Time you put your big girl pance on and deal with it.

Good luck.

One of the things I thought was "If I disappeared tomorrow could DH run the house and parent the DC" and basically I trained him so I was superfluous. When either of us went out or away we could just walk out the door. Obviously not so much when we had 4 very young DC as that was a military operation.

@sleezeandwineparty What an excellent young man! 😊

Give him regular fixed jobs or times to run the kids around, then step back. You need to train him.

As others have said delegate. I do most of child and school care. Dh wfh so does dish washer, bins, washing, some cooking, hoovering etc. Ony because I refuse though, he would sit back and let ne do it all- we had a heart to heart. I basically said I work ft and he shares load or I drop days. That woke him up!

Once the kids are settled into the school term, could you perhaps go on a ‘work trip’? Be gone for a week, maybe extend it once you’re gone? In reality, you’ll be holed up with a friend or a budget hotel - but he would actually experience what you are having to juggle. Might do him the works of good

He is consciously and deliberately prioritising his hobbies and leisure time over your health and wellbeing. Each time he hides in his office, doesn't do his share of the cooking/cleaning and completes a task you've asked him to do badly enough that you won't ask him again, he is saying "Fuck you, Pudpud30, how dare you demand that I act like a grown-up and equal partner in our relationship". He is essentially treating you like a surly teenager treats their mum.

In your situation, I would be saying "Fuck you" right back to him and any cooking/cleaning up after him/laundry for him would stop. Relationships and families are about appropriate reciprocity - if you don't reciprocate, you don't get the privilege of being treated as part of the family.

Stay on cooking strike and tell him that you are not going in the kitchen to do more than make yourself a cup of tea for the rest of the month. Make it clear it is his job to meal plan, shop and produce all food. If he whinges point out that it is an equal swap with all the laundry and you see no reason why you should do both. Split the house in half - you clean half and he cleans the other and tell him that there's no trotting off to football unless his half is clean (properly not superficially).

I also agree with the PP about agreeing his working hours and overtime. Time spent working overtime when it puts the load on your shoulders should be added up and when it comes to 3 hours or so then he needs to make that time up to you which might be having the DC for a couple of hours at the weekend so that you can go out and have a coffee/mooch around the shops or he gives up his football one evening.....

Unless you have things you want to do in the evenings then I might also think about claiming both lie ins at the weekend as a quid pro quo for his 3 football sessions a week. If he starts on needing them to relax/for his mental health tell him you want the lie ins for the same reason.

”he’ll tend to help more then it gradually fizzles out”
there’s your main problem! you need to alter your thoughts and language too!
I assume it’s a joint house and family, not just yours and your DH a guest invited for a holiday?
You should both be working together to run the family and home. It’s NOT your sole job with him as just the extra help.
He needs to step up and pull his weight. If you are to do the head-work, the managers role, then he must do more of the practical stuff. A good manager knows that organising and managing staff is their main job so they delegate the practical tasks to others (and expect them to do it right and sort out their errors themselves so they learn and get better!)

I just can't believe that any woman would voluntarily have children with a man who earns less than her, knows fuck all about housework and cooking and likes to have lots of time for himself for his precious hobbies. What an exhausting pile of shit. Why would any woman feel this is all she deserves? A life of endless hard work and responsibilities.