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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter’s friend constantly hanging round ours with no invites ever reciprocated

79 replies

AliceR1 · 02/09/2022 06:41

My daughter’s friend who she always hung out with (11yo) from school has been knocking on our door pretty much every other day, unannounced, essentially inviting herself in, nearly always over lunch, stays 5+ hours at a time, sleepovers. I’ve been getting a bit frustrated with it because it’s often incorrect and recently turned her away from the door as we’re about to go out. Twice she’s been invited around theirs but twice got ‘sorry actually not convenient right now’ short notice message. Yesterday she found out that this girl has been having endless play dates with another girl from their class at each other’s houses. My daughter found out yesterday, was meant to be going round theirs today (last day of hols) but got cancelled and was absolutely devastated. Full on rejection feeling that resulted in a lot of anxiety and self-doubt - I did not need a counselling session till midnight last night. I am absolutely fuming, obviously feel like we’ve been taken the absolute mick out of in terms of childcare, often dropping what we were in the middle of. AIBU? How would you handle it from here?

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceR1 · 02/09/2022 06:43

not ‘incorrect’ - inconvenient! Sod predictive text!

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 02/09/2022 06:48

Stop having this girl around altogether. See what the response is from the other parent

ItsAlwaysThere · 02/09/2022 06:49

Oh I used to virtually live at my friend's at that age. If you don't like it, let her parents know. But also consider if home for her is a happy place.

DashboardConfessional · 02/09/2022 06:51

The holidays are over so there's not much to handle. Are they starting secondary? If so by October half term they'll have drifted.

If she turns up at the weekend send her home.

NumberTheory · 02/09/2022 06:55

Your poor daughter. The many play dates with another friend while always canceling last minute on her is infuriating.

Do you know the parents at all? If you’re friendly then a candid chat might be fruitful. But is it possible this friend does not enjoy home or gets turfed out of her house and comes around to you out of a form of desperation for somewhere to go? (Not that likely, but only “nice” explanation I can think of).

I would probably encourage my DD to cool the friendship by trying to deepen others. The summer’s over so it would presumably be difficult to adequately address it and see if that has a meaningful impact. If “friend” comes over after school or at the weekend I might say something like “You can’t play here but DD is welcome to go with you to yours to hang out.” (assuming she wants to). But I also think a “Not tonight.” might be more protective, her best move is probably moving on to other friends.

Original poster
AliceR1 · 02/09/2022 06:55

They’re all at the same secondary - hence the relevance, and younger siblings are in the same class, albeit not friends so the exposure issue isn’t going away sadly.

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 02/09/2022 07:02

My son had a school friend like this, it got to the point of him coming round at 8 am Sunday mornings. He was one of 6 children and always hungry. I didn’t mind him coming round later in the day and could stretch dinner from 4 to 5. He didn’t really play with my Son after a while, but still came round for something to eat, then would go again. My Son is now an adult and when I think back there was only 2 friends who ever invited him round very occasionally, whereas we always had children here. When my son started secondary school, he found lots of new friends, 2 of which were very accommodating.

locke360 · 02/09/2022 07:07

Bear in mind that this is much more likely to be to do with the parents of the child than the child herself.

Do you know the truth of it with this friend that is going round for 'endless play dates'? It could be that the girl was finally allowed a friend around and was so elated/ is bragging about it, but it might have only happened once.

Some people don't like other people's children at their houses. Some people don't have very happy homes, or are just too busy... it could be anything... you could have a polite word with the parents but please don't risk your child's friendship over it.

Neverendingdust · 02/09/2022 07:26

My sister had two best friends when she was growing up, the first they often stayed at each others houses every other weekend up to around 12 years old.

The second bff she more or less lived with, only they’d spend most of the week at our house and the odd night at the bffs between 12 and 17, the bff became another sister. My DM always catered for the bffs and did any washing etc 😂 they went to the same school together, the bffs DM had a chaotic life so I think our home was a comforting environment.

I on the other hand had issues with sleeping in strange places so I NEVER had a sleep over with my friends.

DFOD · 02/09/2022 07:26

Concentrate on the quality of the friendship. Is it fun, light, mutual, reciprocal, kind and respectful? If so encourage that wherever the location. If not don’t.

Children like this likely have a complex, unaccommodating or hostile home environment - I wouldn’t want my DD around their and exposed to it.

My BFF (for the last 50 years) was like this - her Mum was a cold, passive aggressive bitch and I was sensed this and was the recipient of that on the rare occasions I set foot in her house. I am glad my Mum had an open warm and welcoming house as I still have this friend today.

DFOD · 02/09/2022 07:26

*there

DFOD · 02/09/2022 07:35

If she was at yours constantly from
lunch and sleeping over most days and also then at “endless” play dates with another friend - she must never have been at home - which is even sadder. Maybe your DD is feeling a bit jealous of the other friendship? Which is something they need to negotiate in life.

But I have real sympathy for her with the last minute cancellations. That’s not on - but is that the BF or her potentially feckless parents?

Festoonlights · 02/09/2022 07:36

I am conflicted on one hand we don’t know the friends back story/life at home. There could be issues with mental health, money, marriage etc in those cases I would continue to make the child very welcome. Although you said they have been hosting other children so to me that screams CF. Pure and simple.

Raising your child to have self respect and to expect reciprocal friendships that are balanced and equal is the way to go. Cool the friendship, stop answering the door and encourage dd to widen her friendship circle significantly.

anonforthis87 · 02/09/2022 07:38

Exactly, I lost friends because my mum wouldn't let me invite anyone over and was a horrible snob to boot (we were house poor but some of my friends were deemed "not posh enough"... Don't ask.) Please don't punish this child because her parents don't let her have your DD over, it's hardly her decision at this age and she might be trying yo get some time out of a toxic home environment.

DFOD · 02/09/2022 07:41

Festoonlights · 02/09/2022 07:36

I am conflicted on one hand we don’t know the friends back story/life at home. There could be issues with mental health, money, marriage etc in those cases I would continue to make the child very welcome. Although you said they have been hosting other children so to me that screams CF. Pure and simple.

Raising your child to have self respect and to expect reciprocal friendships that are balanced and equal is the way to go. Cool the friendship, stop answering the door and encourage dd to widen her friendship circle significantly.

I agree with this:

Raising your child to have self respect and to expect reciprocal friendships that are balanced and equal is the way to go. Cool the friendship, stop answering the door and encourage dd to widen her friendship circle significantly.

But it depends on what level the reciprocity sits - if you witness a special, kind fun friendship then encourage it - if her parents are the ones being unequal rather than the child (who will know and be devastated) then tread carefully.

GetThatHelmetOn · 02/09/2022 07:42

You can also say “Sorry, it is not convenient now” and send her back home.

Think about what “not convenient” is so you can repeat it until it becomes a rule, for example, not at lunch, not impromptu sleep overs, or go home no later than 8pm.

Festoonlights · 02/09/2022 07:45

anonforthis87 · 02/09/2022 07:38

Exactly, I lost friends because my mum wouldn't let me invite anyone over and was a horrible snob to boot (we were house poor but some of my friends were deemed "not posh enough"... Don't ask.) Please don't punish this child because her parents don't let her have your DD over, it's hardly her decision at this age and she might be trying yo get some time out of a toxic home environment.

It’s not healthy for ops dd to always be the one giving all of the time, literally teaching dd to becone a doormat and a people pleaser is not good advice. Ops job is to take care and raise her own child not to act as a counter balance for snobby parents!! She needs to do the right thing for her own child, and that includes equal and balanced friendships and learning boundaries and when to say no.

billy1966 · 02/09/2022 07:45

DFOD · 02/09/2022 07:26

Concentrate on the quality of the friendship. Is it fun, light, mutual, reciprocal, kind and respectful? If so encourage that wherever the location. If not don’t.

Children like this likely have a complex, unaccommodating or hostile home environment - I wouldn’t want my DD around their and exposed to it.

My BFF (for the last 50 years) was like this - her Mum was a cold, passive aggressive bitch and I was sensed this and was the recipient of that on the rare occasions I set foot in her house. I am glad my Mum had an open warm and welcoming house as I still have this friend today.

I think this is excellent advice.

However, if they have been happily having others over for playdates, you have probably been used.

Find out which it is for sure.

If they have indeed had others over, start encouraging your daughter to have other friends over and not to be so available.

Be far firmer yourself in it not being convenient too.

autienotnaughty · 02/09/2022 07:53

My daughters friends were always round and rarely reciprocated. Never bothered me I just assumed their set up was different to ours. I'd offer lunch but not tea (unless we had specifically invited them) the arranging was done by dd so she wouldn't have them turning up at crack of Dawn.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 02/09/2022 07:54

In your shoes I would probably…

*Reduce the time the girl spends at your house. Only arranging it when it convenient for you. A child shouldn’t be “inviting themselves in” if it’s not convenient. However if they are friends and enjoy their time playing at yours I’d be reluctant to stop it completely. Just be more boundaries about it.

*try to help DD nurture some of her other relationships so she hopefully develops a range of friendships so she isn’t so knocked if one friendship goes a bit squiffy. Invite some other friends around.

*when talking to DD about the issue focus on the things about other people that might explain the behaviour (being too busy to have someone over to play etc). Try to help her stop seeing it as something about her as a person…though that will be hard.

I’d try not to take as too much of a slight. Relationships are like this and there can e any manner of reasons they don’t invite people around their home. I’ve reduced having people around my home because I realised I found it incredibly stressful and prefer to meet people out and about.

As476 · 02/09/2022 07:58

At 14- 16 I used to pretty much live at my best friends house. I was there all the time, weekends, after school etc. I had a newborn brother at the time and my mum was incredibly poor. I wasn’t allowed to have people round.

maybe once in a blue moon she came to mine. As she was an only child her parents used to take me on holiday with them. I am eternally grateful for them. We don’t speak anymore (drifted apart when we went to separate unis) but I will never ever forget the kindness of her parents, feeding me, and letting me stay when home was too much.

im not saying your DCs friend is the same but please consider it.

PastaForLife · 02/09/2022 07:59

I would be asking why this girl does not want to be at home and doesn’t have other children back to play. I’m not saying you have to allow her into your life in a way that is incovenient for you and your DD, but it sounds to me that she sees your home as a sanctuary.

Testina · 02/09/2022 08:00

“obviously feel like we’ve been taken the absolute mick out of in terms of childcare, often dropping what we were in the middle of”

Well that’s totally on you. Why were you dropping things? You were happy to do so at the time, so whatever social arrangements this girl had with other friends is irrelevant.

She can’t have been spending so much time at yours and having “endless” play dates with the other child.

mountainsunsets · 02/09/2022 08:03

At 11 it won't be her fault she's not allowed to have your DD over to play.

When I was in secondary my best friend practically lived at our house, especially over the summer. I'm so glad my parents never played this weird "tit for tat" that I see on MN about it all.

I was fortunate enough that my parents could accommodate my friend and they could also afford to feed an extra mouth everyday. They also worked out of the home and weren't disturbed by us being there.

Not everyone is as lucky. Some parents WFH and don't want to be disturbed. Others can't afford to feed an extra child or be around to accommodate a play date all the time. If your DD likes this girl and is happy to have her over then I would accommodate where convenient.

Teand · 02/09/2022 08:07

Hmmmm. We didn't really do sleepovers at my house as a kid, but if I were invited to a friend's I would always be allowed. The issue is she isn't waiting to he invited, and you need to learn to say no.

I accept the offer of my daughter going to her friends' homes but I can't reciprocate. They all live in proper flats and houses, me and my daughter are in a studio set up ATM and 1) embarrassing 2) no space.

There are many reasons they may not want to hold their own sleepovers. Had a family member who said they didn't really have friends from their child's school round because their dog was so barky and excitable that they worried it would scare the kids and other parents would have bad opinions of then.