Daughter’s friend constantly hanging round ours with no invites ever reciprocated

[AliceR1]

My daughter’s friend who she always hung out with (11yo) from school has been knocking on our door pretty much every other day, unannounced, essentially inviting herself in, nearly always over lunch, stays 5+ hours at a time, sleepovers. I’ve been getting a bit frustrated with it because it’s often incorrect and recently turned her away from the door as we’re about to go out. Twice she’s been invited around theirs but twice got ‘sorry actually not convenient right now’ short notice message. Yesterday she found out that this girl has been having endless play dates with another girl from their class at each other’s houses. My daughter found out yesterday, was meant to be going round theirs today (last day of hols) but got cancelled and was absolutely devastated. Full on rejection feeling that resulted in a lot of anxiety and self-doubt - I did not need a counselling session till midnight last night. I am absolutely fuming, obviously feel like we’ve been taken the absolute mick out of in terms of childcare, often dropping what we were in the middle of. AIBU? How would you handle it from here?

It’s not healthy for ops dd to always be the one giving all of the time, literally teaching dd to becone a doormat

I don't understand this at all. It was always t

‘Endless’ was a hyperbole - sorry it was not clear. Call it multiple, twice weekly.

This. It sounds like something is really not right at home for the poor girl.

I would wonder what her home life is like, if she is around yours so much, yet your DC seemingly can’t go to hers.

I know you say she is over during lunch time are you feeding her lunch too?

*Always the case that I went to friends' and not the other way around, my friends always seemed fine and happy with this, still enthusiastically wanting me to be there. I don't get why it matters which house it happens at, they are both giving their time. Just because it happens at DDs house doesn't mean she is giving her time anymore than the other child, they are both spending the same amount of time together.

Do you have a bigger or nicer house than the friend? Maybe she is worried she will be judged for not having a nice enough house, and the other friend who she does invite over also has a not so big or nice house so she isn’t worried about being judged by her.

It’s not healthy for ops dd to always be the one giving all of the time, literally teaching dd to becone a doormat and a people pleaser is not good advice. Ops job is to take care and raise her own child not to act as a counter balance for snobby parents!! She needs to do the right thing for her own child, and that includes equal and balanced friendships and learning boundaries and when to say no.

That's basically punishing an 11yo for the actions of their friends' parents though.

Lots of children aren't allowed sleepovers. Their parents will allow certain friends over but not others. By your reasoning, those children shouldn't be invited as the friendship isn't reciprocated in the same way - but that's not the child's fault.

I'm so so glad my parents never played these silly games. For some reason, OP's DD isn't allowed over there. Maybe the parents are embarrassed about their home. Maybe they can't afford to feed another friend. Maybe the arrangement with the other girl is childcare-related as her parents have to work - maybe they're even getting paid to have her.

But none of that is the fault of the 11yo who just wants to see her friends.

I'll never understand why reciprocating offers of sleepovers is important.

Identical situation to me. My dd has a friend who constantly invites herself round but it's never reciprocated it's infuriating! There's another girl in the class who gets invited round on a regular basis but this girl never gets invited round to hers so that makes it doubly unfair!!

Odd that you jump to the conclusion of being taken advantage of rather that the most obvious one which is that the girl's family life isn't that great.

Must confess I preferred other kids to be at our house because at least you could monitor what they were up to.

At first I would probably question what this other girls home life is like if she wants to be at yours over lunch time and stay over. I imagine she does like your dd but maybe the other girl doesn’t as much.
Personally, next time she comes over to the house I’d just say she isn’t invited today and goodbye. If she keeps asking all you need to say is no and you don’t need to give her a reason.

My son has a friend like this but I've met his mother and she is a very difficult woman. I won't feed him though and nowadays will just feed my son and leave him elsewhere in the house over lunch. His house is 3 mins away so I figure he can go home for lunch. Of course we might occasionally invite him for tea but outside of an invite there is no food for him. This seems to be OK now it's routine. I encourage my son to say if it's not convenient for him and obvs if we're heading out as a family will also say so. If I thought the child was not eating elsewhere I think I'd raise that concern.

So many people here have misread the thread. The girls home life can't be that bad if she has invited another girl over for lots of play dates.

My best friend in high school never invited me round … no sleepovers or anything. It was a bit infuriating as she lived so close to school, and it would have been perfect pre/post school Disco. Anyhow, she told me 20 years later that her dad sexually abused her, and her mum knew about it. I didn’t get an invite as she didn’t want it happening to me.

I am not saying this is the case here, the thing is you don’t know what going on in a child’s life, or where they feel safe.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor why is that OP's problem ???

No, not misread the thread, if you read back there's been possible explanations for that.

Nope. Loads of people have given explanations for that.

Maybe it's childcare related and they're being paid to have her.
Maybe it's a reciprocal arrangement while parents work.

Ultimately it doesn't matter. If an 11yo can only have one friend over, it's not their fault. Why should the children be punished and have to miss out?

We have a similar situation here with a friend of my DS who has practically lived here all summer. However I know what his home life is like and he considers our house a "safe" space. My DS has never been to his house and tbh I wouldn't want him going there. It's only recently I have found out what it's like for this young lad at home and to be frank my door will always be open to him day or night.

OP However if this young girl is having friends Back to hers and your daughters isnt being invited I would be trying to find out why? And considering that the parents are being cfs if that is the case

Mum of 4 here. Sometimes kids would live at ours and sometimes my kids would live at theirs. I had my son’s girlfriend 7 days a week from after school to 10pm and whole weekends for 2 years. Now my daughter practically lives at her boyfriend’s. For years I regularly used to have most weekends with 2-3 extra kids staying and now it is rare.

As long as your kids are enjoying it and doesn’t inconvenience you (we often took their friends out if they were with us but not always) then it is fine. Don’t think of it as tit for tat. If your kids are getting upset then put a stop to it.

My house is / was always the open house at this age. I was forever making food for her friends. She is an only child. Now that dd is older (14) and she hangs out with different friends, she goes to friend’s houses a fair bit.

I get it’s upsetting and infuriating for your dd to be in this situation. I would be encouraging her to find other friends. She naturally will as she’s just starting a new school. I don’t mean drop this girl. But cast her net wider.

Do be aware there may be issues with this. My dd was very much controlled by the friend, who was always here - it took me a while to see it. She had manipulated dd into only hanging with ‘approved friends’ and didn’t like it at all when dd started being friends with other children she didn’t like. She said vile about those friends and horrible to dd. With my support, dd continued her friendships and tried to stay friends with everyone but the one with the controlling girl didn’t last.

I didn’t jump to any conclusions. I’m a lone parent (no grandparents to hand either) working my guts out term time to have school holidays off. Her mum is a stay at home mum because dad pulls enough money in.

At 11, surely it's "I'm going round to X's to hang out" not a playdate? Why is everything so micromanaged and labelled?

When DD was little we'd have her friend round every afternoon in the holidays when it was convenient for both parties. The days it wasn't, I said so. And vice versa.

When I was a child I played out with a girl on my street and we were never even allowed in her house. No idea why. She came in mine though. Didn't even think about it.

Obviously by the time kids are in secondary school they sort themselves out.

My assumption would be that for whatever reason the other child's parents don't want the OP's DD in their house. According to whatever weird logic they are following, they might not mind the other child being there. Perhaps the parents are friends with the other family, perhaps they are snobs and for whatever reason the OP's DD is not deemed "good enough", perhaps they are embarrassed about their house and think the OP is more likely to judge - could be anything really. Not sure why being able to invite another child means she has a good home life?

They are not 'platdates' it's just her mate coming round.