Daughter’s friend constantly hanging round ours with no invites ever reciprocated

[AliceR1]

My daughter’s friend who she always hung out with (11yo) from school has been knocking on our door pretty much every other day, unannounced, essentially inviting herself in, nearly always over lunch, stays 5+ hours at a time, sleepovers. I’ve been getting a bit frustrated with it because it’s often incorrect and recently turned her away from the door as we’re about to go out. Twice she’s been invited around theirs but twice got ‘sorry actually not convenient right now’ short notice message. Yesterday she found out that this girl has been having endless play dates with another girl from their class at each other’s houses. My daughter found out yesterday, was meant to be going round theirs today (last day of hols) but got cancelled and was absolutely devastated. Full on rejection feeling that resulted in a lot of anxiety and self-doubt - I did not need a counselling session till midnight last night. I am absolutely fuming, obviously feel like we’ve been taken the absolute mick out of in terms of childcare, often dropping what we were in the middle of. AIBU? How would you handle it from here?

I think there are very good points about the home life and some very kind people on here but if I had a suspicion it was just a CF I would be quite annoyed. I find my kids friends coming over exhausting as I wfh sometimes on a job that needs lots of concentration, I'm an introvert and want to relax in house clothes which I can't do when my 15 year old DS brings back 4 boys impromptu to watch the football. Also, it is inevitably dinner time, I cook stuff from scratch and never have enough or I might even be just having a bag of crisps for dinner so the kids can have more food, I do this loads if DH is working away. The house is not massive but his friends all have big homes, well stocked fridges and Mum's not Dad's that aren't chasing their tail like me. My DD's 11 and her friends want to dance round the lounge as her bedroom is not big enough for dance routines so that is not conducive to wfh. My DS says not to bother with food for his friends but that's not the way I've been brought up so you offer guests. I just don't understand how people don't find this exhausting. Perhaps OP is like me an introvert and finds it too much.

First of all, do 11-year-olds who are at secondary school really do 'play dates' and need 'childcare'? Isn't it all a lot more casual by the time they get to that age?

I'm wondering whether you see this whole thing differently to the friend's parents. Their child happily turns up to knock for your DD unannounced, while you wait for an invitation. Does your DD ever wander over to her friend's place on spec? You mention that another friend has been having 'play dates' with the other girl - are they organised in advance or do they just go round each other's houses when they feel like it?

I don't think this is an issue with your DD's friend leaving out your DD or anything like that; I think it's just an issue with your family having a very different way of doing things to theirs. On the occasions when things have been cancelled, I bet the friend didn't even ask her mum if your DD could come. She'll have said 'Oh, I said someone could come over today' and her mum will have said 'What? Why did you tell her she could come today? We're meant to be going to Grandma's' or something.

When I was a kid I was always ait my friend's house. My mum was a Schizophrenic who often screamed and shouted to herself and we only had a two roomed flat. I found refuge in my friend's house and remember her mum with great kindness. When I had my own child I paid it forward. Working from home with my own business I was always able to have kids over, and many more or less lived at mine for parts of their young lives.

Me either.
My son's two best friends always sleep over at ours. He's never had a reciprocal invite - mum of BF#1 has a baby, so is likely up to her eyes anyway, and mum #2 lives in a shitty rental while building their house, and has said that she's too embarrassed to have anyone around right now. So that's fine. I've the room and the beds and in a few years I'm sure DS will get invited back.

My childhood friend was on our doorstep first thing every morning, and we rarely went to hers for playing. Turns out her mother was in the throes of alcoholism during those years so chucked her out in the morning so she could start drinking. In later years the mum sorted herself out and BF said that her practically living at ours at the time made her childhood bearable...

So I'll always have an open door for kids.