Would you raise that you thought a friends child is on the spectrum?

[Justdancers]

We have a close friendship with a couple who have a little girl aged 4 (ill call her Jane). We have no children

Every since Jane was fairly little there have been behaviours that to me suggest that shes likely autistic. I have a fair ammount of experience with autistic adults due to working in a supported living but very little with children or how child development works really. I mostly knew that in an adult those behaviours eg stimming would likely be indicative of autism but wasnt sure when some stuff like being solitary play stops being the norm for that age, if that makes sense? Janes mum worked doing sensory interventions for autistic children for a while so i would assume has a good knowledge

Obviously a large part of Janes infancy was in covid so we saw less them often, and also knew that would change her social development. Each time we have seen her those things have remained and become a bit more noticeable as she hasnt been on track with other peers of her age.

We never mentioned this. Frankly we arent kid experts, Our friends are fantastic parents who seemed like they were doing an awesome job . Jane is happy, a cracking kid and we like spending time with her. It never seemed any of our buisness and thete was never a reason to

Recently Janes preschool has flagged that they feel she is autistic. Its clear this is a bombshell for them and even if they were thinking it in the back of their minds, having someone else flag it has been shocking.

We have had been emotionally supportive of them since as they try and figure out systems

Theyve told us theyve been feeling hurt that friends and family (they dont seem to include us in this) have also noticed things but not shared it with them. They feel let down by this, and like people were not being open with them.

We arent sure if our approach was the best now, we were just going with the flow, and taking their lead.

I wondered if other people would outright tell a friend if they noticed things like handflapping, sensory issues, development delays etc or if they would stay quiet?

Look at their reaction to a 'neutral' person telling them. They would have taken it worse from a friend or relative. Unless their child was in danger I'd stay quiet. I know of one example where someone did try and tell a friend. It ended badly and they no longer speak to each other.

Absolute minefield. Would stay quiet and let professionals begin to guide and support them in early investigations. Think they are maybe unconsciously deflecting blame a bit there, from themselves possibly, although there is no blame to be had for anyone. Sorting out a diagnosis (if there is one) is a journey for parents and child. Path taken varies so much.

I would say, but possibly not that young as children change so much (plus covid lockdown has affected child development).

I think I am unusual in that though as I am usually the only person who has said this to someone pre-diagnosis.

I never downplay someone else's fears either - that's a big thing that happens regularly ... parent expresses concern, well meaning friend tries to downplay it even though they don't really think it's normal behaviour at all

Given her mum deals with autism as part of her job, it’s very possible she can see the traits and is quietly dealing with it in her own way.

I had my private concerns my son was autistic from a young age, but I kept thinking they were phases he would outgrow. Getting the diagnosis was quite an emotional experience for me and DH. So I would let them bring it up, not push it.

I would say if I felt parent was struggling. Otherwise I'd wait til asked.

My son is autistic and so I come from a slightly different position: where if I notice it, I just comment “ooh he’s like X or x does that.”

My son”a autism isn’t his defining characteristic although we are very open about it, so it would go over their heads if they were not thinking specifically about autism. And I’d they are…… they will pick up on that …🤷‍♀️

Let then fill in the gaps themselves. That’s all you can do. For context, my husband is the most reasonable man in the world and he was very offended when I first mentioned my suspicions about our son, so you have to tread very carefully. It’s a painful thing to realise.

If in doubt say nowt.

I wouldn't directly say I had concerns re asd as many parents get very upset/defensive about the suggestion that there might be anything 'wrong' with their child. I might make a bland comment eg 'oh bless, they like repetitive play don't they?' (NB just an example, I am not saying this is a 100% indicator of asd). As pp said, if it's something that's on their radar it gives them an opportunity to open up a conversation about it. If not, it's neutral enough to hopefully not cause offence.

No, I absolutely would not say a thing, and I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong - at all. Why wouldn’t I? Because I’m not a professional with the ability to diagnose.

Totally agree with @Hercisback - if they took it badly coming from a professional, there’s no possible way they’d have been receptive to hearing it from a lay-person.

A couple of strangers asked if my DD was autistic during her primary school years. I was a bit offended by one as she was a mouthy Mum who had no relevant or professional knowledge. She just blurted out ‘is DD autistic?’ in the playground one day and said she reminded her of her autistic nephew. The other person was a teacher at her Saturday school who was trained in SEN so although I was shocked (this was the first mention of it), I wasn’t offended. Following this, it has been a long, worrying journey with an initial assessment in year 5 that didn’t flag it, and now finally a diagnosis at 13 in year 8. The weirdest thing to me however is that my best friend is an actual expert is ASD and has a doctorate in that field. She works with autistic children every day and she never said a word to me once to suggest my DD might be autistic. I would never say anything accusatory to her as I suppose it isn’t fair to have expected her to take her work outside work, but personally I would have liked her support and professional opinion when I didn’t know why my DD was experiencing so much anxiety. Now that my DD has the diagnosis she will talk to me about it, but I do find it strange that she didn’t either flag it earlier or at least raise it as a possibility. She kind of hinted that she didn’t want to upset me, but when your child is neuro-diverse, I really think the most worrying part is the not knowing what is going on. So, my answer to you is I would suggest if it your friend is worrying about any aspects of their child’s development or behaviour. If they have no worries at all, then I don’t see the need to. But we had worries around phobias and anxiety and food and sensory issues from a very young age which was confusing.

I possibly would because my son is autistic. I know that sounds daft but I think it’s easier to hear coming from someone personal experience. However, it would depend on how close we were. I would maybe try to start a conversation about the child generally though, like ‘oh how is Jane going at nursery?’ And see if it came up naturally.

I do know with my son it was obvious from a young age so I actively wanted to know - I felt like every time a nursery worker or someone confirmed it I felt better because it was like ‘ok I’m not just a rubbish mum, there is something going on.’ But some people find it very painful and difficult to realise because once you’ve said it/admitted it it’s out there and needs to be dealt with.

She will likely have professional experience of families not reacting well to suspicion/diagnosis of asd so decided not to speak 'out of turn'. Did you ever tell her explicitly that you suspected asd? It would be more unusual for her not to comment if you raised it directly, but I can see why she would not want to be the one to bring it up.

I did tell my very best friend that I had suspicions her ds was over a few wines. Woke up with absolute DREAD the next day feeling I had probably overstepped my mark. (For background, I’m a teacher and she has had no contact with autism before.)

She never voiced this to me though and has always continued the conversation and uses me as a sounding board re his progress. He started school last year and they clocked something was up almost immediately. Looks like it is ASD.

Overall I think she appreciated me telling her as it gave her a heads up and she felt prepared when school raised it. BUT I genuinely feel it could have gone either way and was a massive gamble (that I only took because I was a bit pished!). As it has turned out (it is rapidly becoming more obvious that he has ASD) I would have talked to her at some point, but perhaps not that early on.

I think I'd keep my opinions to myself if I were you. Unless the parents have come yo you for advice or you are in the role of paediatrician I think it's very bad form to diagnose other people's dcs. The child is young too. As a friend you should support and listen.

My exs son is on the spectrum (I'm 99% sure). I'm a teacher and worked with lots of SEN kids and he's got very clear traits. He didn't go to nursery and has already changed primary school once (he's 6) so I feel like the chance hasn't been there for them to flag it up. When his mum changed his school she just said his teacher was being horrible about him and I assumed she meant that she'd said he was likely autistic and shared this (in a nice way) with my ex. Well he hit the absolute ROOF, was furious with me for suggesting it as were his whole family. He still brings it up now and I'm sure when his new school flag it up I'll never get an apology or any recognition for trying to help. Next time I'll just keep my mouth shut.

I did, and it worked out OK, but I wouldn't recommend it. In my case my friend was convinced but no one else could see it.

If they mentioned concerns, I would. If they didn't, I wouldn't.

^When their child goes to school this/next year it will be flagged anyway.

This.

In your case, OP, I think there is no good that can come of saying something now. The school has already recommended that it's looked into, so hopefully it will be properly investigated. And your friends have already been upset by the idea that others have had hidden suspicions that they have chosen not to share. I understand that you feel bad because you're doing the same, but there is no benefit to anyone in telling them that now.

If you feel bad not saying anything, then I would tell a bit of a white lie and say that you had never really thought about it previously, but now they've mentioned it as a possibility, you've noticed that dc does xxx behaviour, which could potentially be linked to autism. That way, you're sharing your observations with them but not making it look like you've been sitting on them for ages without bothering to say anything.

I’m not a professional so I wouldn’t. If I was asked about my opinion if they were not sure if they should take their DC to a professional my response would be diplomatic along the lines of if you are thinking my about it you have a reason for that, so take them.

I wouldn’t though pass an unsolicited comment

Given that the mother has significant expertise in this area, no I wouldn’t expect anyone else to say anything. People don’t want to hear that their children have SEN so it likely wouldn’t have made a difference if you had. I say this as a SEN parent.

I would add that I had a longstanding thought that my best friend's dd was on the autistic spectrum, but chose not to say anything for years as I didn't think friend was ready to hear it. I eventually shared my thoughts when friend confided in me that she thought her other daughter was potentially on the spectrum - something that I hadn't ever considered, though it made sense when she said it. At that point, my friend was ready to hear the suggestion and found it helpful, but I don't think the time would have been right before.

Another friend of mine did say something to a third mutual friend about her ds potentially being on the spectrum. I believe that he very likely was on the spectrum, but the suggestion was very badly received and sadly it was the end of their friendship. I since lost touch with the mother of the potentially autistic child too, so I don't know if he was ever diagnosed in the end. The friend who suggested autism to the mum was an incredibly kind person and I'm sure that she was only trying to help, but sometimes people will only hear what you're saying when they're ready to listen.

Why would a "troll" post about this? 🤔

I would only suggest it if my friend was actually speaking to me about their child’s behaviour and asking for my opinion.

I think they’re probably just feeling some hard emotions as it’s taken them by surprise for autism to be suggested.

My son has just been diagnosed at age 20. A very observant teacher suggested he may have ADHD/ASD when he was15 and the process has taken this long . I feel so guilty I didn’t notice anything . I think I would have been grateful if someone had suggested he may be ND when I was struggling with his behaviour.