Would you raise that you thought a friends child is on the spectrum?

[Justdancers]

We have a close friendship with a couple who have a little girl aged 4 (ill call her Jane). We have no children

Every since Jane was fairly little there have been behaviours that to me suggest that shes likely autistic. I have a fair ammount of experience with autistic adults due to working in a supported living but very little with children or how child development works really. I mostly knew that in an adult those behaviours eg stimming would likely be indicative of autism but wasnt sure when some stuff like being solitary play stops being the norm for that age, if that makes sense? Janes mum worked doing sensory interventions for autistic children for a while so i would assume has a good knowledge

Obviously a large part of Janes infancy was in covid so we saw less them often, and also knew that would change her social development. Each time we have seen her those things have remained and become a bit more noticeable as she hasnt been on track with other peers of her age.

We never mentioned this. Frankly we arent kid experts, Our friends are fantastic parents who seemed like they were doing an awesome job . Jane is happy, a cracking kid and we like spending time with her. It never seemed any of our buisness and thete was never a reason to

Recently Janes preschool has flagged that they feel she is autistic. Its clear this is a bombshell for them and even if they were thinking it in the back of their minds, having someone else flag it has been shocking.

We have had been emotionally supportive of them since as they try and figure out systems

Theyve told us theyve been feeling hurt that friends and family (they dont seem to include us in this) have also noticed things but not shared it with them. They feel let down by this, and like people were not being open with them.

We arent sure if our approach was the best now, we were just going with the flow, and taking their lead.

I wondered if other people would outright tell a friend if they noticed things like handflapping, sensory issues, development delays etc or if they would stay quiet?

Absolutely bring it up. They might be just burying their heads in the sand. Once the child gets a diagnosis they'll receive plenty of help to get them where they need to be educationally etc
If they realise other people are noticing it may push them to get the help they need.

One barrier to people recognising neurodiversity if is there is a long history of it in the family and it's culturally normal in their family.

DH accepts DS's diagnosis, but he only "sees" the obvious half. It's highly lilely that he has several autistic uncles/ siblings. Another of DS's cousins has been diagnosed. Their mum's concerns were another factor in joining the dots and seeking diagnosis for DS. They are not outliers in their family though.

Hard one. I mentioned to one friend that I saw traits in her son that are similar to those in my son who has autism in case it was worth "bearing in mind". This was during a conversation about how she was struggling with him. She shot down the suggestion sharply and we haven't discussed it since. They are still having huge difficulties with him and have not sought any support.

I mentioned the same thing to two other friends (whose children later went on to be diagnosed with autism) and the relief that poured out of them was tangible, they said it had already crossed their minds. It opened up a discussion and they regularly chat to me about it.

I wish people had not downplayed my concerns about my own son when he was younger. I would have liked someone to tell me if they suspected autism. I guess there's no right or wrong, everyone is different. I'm afraid that's not much help sorry. You did what you thought was right in those circumstances and it probably was.

I think you can sound them out and then bring it up in a round-a-bout way if they are expressing concerns or having a moan about how hard they are finding things. I wouldn't suggest a specific SN unless asked point blank, and even then would heavily prefix my answer with the need for a proper assessment/I am not a doctor etc etc. I agree with the PP that because these things can be hereditary, it can be hard for the parent to see/accept because it is their 'normal' too. I first realised I was very likely ND when reading and researching for DD and realising the lists of behaviours seemed very normal and non-exceptional to me.

One of my best friend's DS has shown many Autistic traits since toddlerhood. DH and I had both noticed it quite separately but had explained it away initially as likely a parenting issue (they set strict rules but cave very easily when DS kicks off) plus boys generally being less verbal than girls and that we all have a few small quirks. Fast forward a few years: we were away with them recently, and the DS is clearly really struggling with regular huge meltdowns, as well as the parents struggling to manage his behaviour to prevent him hurting himself or others. We've helped to calm and distract him, and have employed tactics that work with our DD (who is currently being assessed for ASD and ADHD) with good effect. My DF eventually admitted how difficult she was finding it, which started a conversation. I didn't outright suggest ASD, but have suggested she speak to his school about the behaviour they are experiencing for some strategies and guidance (whose SEN radar will hopefully immediately start sounding!). I've also named some strategies to Google explaining they've really helped DD, who she knows is being assessed, and which when Googled are very clearly promoted for DCs with SEN. I would love to speak more plainly but I'm not sure if she is ready to hear it yet (at least not unless it comes from a professional), but hopefully it will plant some seeds.

Hello, not a troll. Just posted this in the early hours so its taken me a while to return to it. I used a name simply because there isnt an easy abbreviation for Friends kid.
Sometimes names make more sense to me in text anyway, rather than DC etc.

Thanks all for your reponses.
Really interesting to read through.
We didnt tell them, and have tried to be a listening ear since someone else flagged it.
They dont seem to think we should have spotted it, and are completely on board with the process.

Its hard to for me to figure out when things stop being typical
eg Jane is a very solitary player and when we visit used to play around us rather than with us, thats normal in my experience for toddlers (especially lockdown ones!) so it was hard to pinpoint when those sort of things became worth a mention.

I was worried also they would think we are being critical

Its interesting to read that its often gone wrong for people, and that those recieving it have found it hard both ways

I think you handled it correctly. By the sounds of things, Jane is a broadly happy child and her and her family are not experiencing significant problems. Particularly impressive considering covid. And now, at the age of 4, school have flagged it and it's all moving along. If that wasn't the case, maybe you could or should have said something.

I have tried a couple of times, during conversations about nephew's challenging behaviour, to suggest that SIL consider having him assessed. it is like I have not uttered a word so I know not to push or comment further. I do worry sometimes because the behaviour is getting worse as he gets older and also due to, I suspect, some issues at home and there are hints that school have made a few comments too but that these are ignored. But what can I do? She doesn't want to hear it.

I think you handled it correctly.

It's not a friend's job to tell them and, as you said, you are in no way qualified to make a judgement anyway.

I think once you have kids (I assume you are planning to, as you're ere, and hopefully that will happen for you) then I think you'll look back on this and cringe a bit.

Once kids hit school most find they have a barrier to something, even if it's just not being great at sports or times tables or struggling to make friends and when it is your child I think you'll see just how much you wouldn't enjoy having friends judge your child.

You did the right thing keeping out of it. Your friend is hurting. Just support her and hope that when you are going through a difficult parenting stage in the future that she'll do the same for you.

I think once you have kids (I assume you are planning to, as you're ere, and hopefully that will happen for you) then I think you'll look back on this and cringe a bit.

What is OP supposed to be cringing at?

Also a hell of an assumption and a little condescending to assume that OP wants kids.

No I wouldn't. I was in a very similar situation myself a couple of months ago.
My own DD is also autistic and I've thought that my friends son is probably on the spectrum for a few years now.
The school approached this with my friend who was very upset and was asking me what I thought.
Whilst I pointed her to some information that she might find helpful and listened, I didn't give my opinion. Not that I'm qualified anyway.

I'm not sure. Depends how acutely the child presented and whether I thought their needs wer enot being met by parents who were blind to the situation. DS is autistic and wasn;t diagnosed until he went to secondary. Looking back, there were loads of signs but I knew nothing about autism, including that DH is on the spectrum, so for me he seemed 'normal', as does DH.

In hindsight, I wish we had known earlier. It would have made his life a lot easier and adults (teachers!) would have been kinder to him and more supportive of his evident struggles.

The nicest thing anyone said to me when he was diagnosed (I was pretty shocked) was: he is still the exact same child as he was pre-diagnosis. That's what your friends need reassuring on. Nothing at all has changed except their knowledge of how to best support their child as she grows up. But she is the exact same person they know and love and interact with. And being autistic is a very very wide spectrum, just as being neurotypical is.

My autistic DS has had really bad struggle sin the past but currently is coping in a flat on his own, cooking for himself, has a girlfriend and a big circle of genuine friends, lots of interests and looks like he;ll do well in his final year at uni. On the surface he has a lot in common with happy success NT people. Unerneath he needs a lot of support and stage by stage instructiuons on how to do or react to things NT people do without thinking.