For turning off my husbands laptop?

[Tillow4ever]

So tonight I went through to lock up the conservatory, and heard music coming out of my husband's work laptop. Bear in mind this is 4-5 hours after he finished work, and not the first time it has happened. He had already gone upstairs (leaving me to lock everything up, sort lunches, etc). So I shouted up to tell him there was music coming from it, he replied "just press the mute button". So I called back, "how about just turn it off rather than wasting electricity all night having it running?"

Now he is ALWAYS yelling at the kids about stuff being left on, even if they've just left the room to go to the loo. The man who leaves every light on, every cupboard open, every item left where it lands, gets very upset about anyone else doing the same.

So I went through, waited a moment, then found the shut down icon and clicked it (it was on the Lock Screen so I couldn't see any files open). When I went back into the house he yelled down to ask if I had pressed mute. I said no, I shut it down properly and didn't know where the mute button was on his laptop anyway, but it needs turning off with rising energy costs!

He started yelling at me for doing that and going on about "if he'd lost any work" to which I admit I snapped that he should have saved it before finishing and should have shut it down himself, or come down when I let him know. He told me to fuck off and die.

AIBU for having shut it down given he's not forgiving of anyone else for leaving stuff on and I gave him opportunity to come and do it himself?

YANBU - he should have done it himself if he needed anything saving

YABU - regardless of how much it was going to cost us (we pay 50/50 even though he earns 50% more than me plus I paid all childcare previously and currently pay out the kids mobile phones and my own when his goes through the house account) electricity wise I should have left it on and just found the mute button.

If you think I'm being unreasonable I will apologise to him in the morning.

[Dexionmagic]

He’s not a keeper.

Whilst leaving isn’t an immediate option for you you could plan? Start putting money aside quietly, have a (free) 30 min chat with a solicitor,

Collect evidence etc to fight a 50/50 childcare settlement.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

OP says 17, 14 and 10.

[Lachimolala]

The 17 and 14 yo won’t be made to see him if they don’t want. The 10 year old will be assessed and have their wishes and feelings heard, if you think they won’t want to stay with your husband then I’d start to process to separate.

[OnTheBrinkOfChange]

If you can't do this for yourself, do it for your children. There's no way he's going to get 50-50, they are old enough to say that they don't even want to see him at all. He only wants 50-50 because he thinks he won't have to pay maintenance.

Whatever he has in his bank accounts is half yours at least.

Do you have family that you and the kids could go to? It wouldn't be forever, and the court would insist that he sells the house.

[Luredbyapomegranate]

@Tillow4ever

Thank you, I'll look that up. I guess my confidence is so low that I always feel that it's not that bad because at least he doesn't hit me. I know that's a low bar when I say it.

Please do do this OP.

He won't get 50/50 if that's not what the kids want.

It's important you leave with a safe plan, because he is abusive, so work with women's aid on that.

But do start an active plan.

Don't believe the things he says. He is lying to you. He cannot refuse to sell the house - the court will simply order it if the judge decides that is fair. He cannot refuse to leave the house if the court order it. You will very possibly be awarded the right to stay in the house until the kids are finished education and at that point it will be sold and split. You will be entitled to a split of his pension, any savings and equity in the house. The law sees you as partnership and your assets will be split more or less equally. It doesn't matter who earns more. You do not need access to cash to start divorce proceedings - women's aid will advice on all that.

If you won't leave for yourself, do it for the kids. You all deserve more.

[been and done it.]

@Tillow4ever

It's not the first time. I get told that at least once a week. It's one of the nicer things he says to me.

I have one of those too..

[been and done it.]

@Tillow4ever

I was hoping that I'm not being unreasonable but was prepared that maybe I was being petty and his response was justified because of it.

He never apologies when he says that. Like how he doesn't apologise when he yells at me to get me to stop talking/having an opinion he doesn't like.

I think I'm married to his father

[Tiswa]

I think you are at the point that you can make the move force the sale of a house and keep him well away from the children

[loginsaredicks]

You fucked his laptop up and the advice is to take half his pension.

Got to love MN

[Etinoxaurus]

You need a lawyer.

I genuinely do know the ins and outs of it, so no, ‘you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors’ but I know of a woman who got 75% of assets, no abuse in the relationship, no financial contribution from her over the years, kids chose to stay with Dad and they were over 18 so no 50/50
Imagine what a shl could do for you.


I feel cruel saying it but that’s a 10 year old who needs you to leave before they’re even more damaged.

[FictionalCharacter]

Good lord, he's really destroyed your self esteem if you think he might have been justified in telling you to fuck off and die.
Take the advice from @Luredbyapomegranate .
Ignore @loginsaredicks . I'm sure the laptop is still fully functioning and the worst that could have happened is that he lost some work that he should have saved before he left it.

[lancsgirl85]

@loginsaredicks

You fucked his laptop up and the advice is to take half his pension.

Got to love MN

You clearly missed the part about the two decades of emotional abuse. 🙄

[RaRaRaspoutine]

@loginsaredicks

You fucked his laptop up and the advice is to take half his pension.

Got to love MN

RTFT

[TooHotToTangoToo]

Anyone who told me to fuck off and die, would be an ex if some description


DO NOT APOLOGISE! He lost any moral high ground when he told you to fuck off

As for him getting the kids 50/50 a court would asks them what their preference is at the ages they are now.

[Tillow4ever]

@OnTheBrinkOfChange

If you can't do this for yourself, do it for your children. There's no way he's going to get 50-50, they are old enough to say that they don't even want to see him at all. He only wants 50-50 because he thinks he won't have to pay maintenance.

Whatever he has in his bank accounts is half yours at least.

Do you have family that you and the kids could go to? It wouldn't be forever, and the court would insist that he sells the house.

This is 100% what I thought when he said about the 50/50. He knew that it would mean he wouldn't have to pay maintenance, and even might have meant I couldn't claim enough benefits to top up my income to be able to go it alone. Plus he knew how much it would hurt me. Not one part of him would have been doing it because he loves his kids so much he couldn't bear the be apart from them - as evidenced by the attitude he has to them at home anyway.

I've been trying to get to my youngest being around 12 because I think then it's very, very unlikely he would be forced to stay with him if that's not what he wants.

[Tillow4ever]

@OnTheBrinkOfChange

If you can't do this for yourself, do it for your children. There's no way he's going to get 50-50, they are old enough to say that they don't even want to see him at all. He only wants 50-50 because he thinks he won't have to pay maintenance.

Whatever he has in his bank accounts is half yours at least.

Do you have family that you and the kids could go to? It wouldn't be forever, and the court would insist that he sells the house.

Oh and re the family, no space at my sisters. My parents possibly could put us up. Personally I'd rather he moved out so the kids can stay in the home they've grown up in, but he's too selfish to do that (I worked out the finances - he couldn't afford to stay there and either buy me out or pay maintenance for the kids and the full mortgage, but if he were to move out and we got an order that basically said we get to stay there until the kids reach 18 and then sell up, to split the equity I think I can just about afford it. It would be tight for sure, but once the kids are old enough, downsizing would be an option.

[Tillow4ever]

@loginsaredicks

You fucked his laptop up and the advice is to take half his pension.

Got to love MN

Nowhere did I say I fucked his laptop up. When he came back through he didn't say a word, suggesting that he hadn't lost anything. The most damage I could have done was lost unsaved work. If the power had gone out, or the battery died because he left it on all night, he'd have lost all his work AND risked actual damage by not shutting it down properly.

[Tillow4ever]

Just want to say thank you all. I KNOW I need to get out - and I've been working on my confidence the last few months after a manager at work told me she thought I wasn't very confident (after I had always masked well at work) and she started some work with me to help me. I think if it had been like it at the start, I'd have left easily. But when it builds up over the years, and you lose your health too, it's so much harder to just walk away. When I asked him for a divorce 8 years ago, he made things very difficult and then just pretended nothing had happened! I've felt like I was going crazy.

I can't guarantee I won't be on here again asking for advice, but I am trying to build up confidence. When I look back I realise how many red flags there were, and how naive and inexperienced I was (he was 12 years older, I was 19 when we met, my only previous experience with men was being raped by someone I knew when I was 17 - we nearly broke up after 2 years and a huge fight..... instead he proposed 2 weeks later after a holiday so I took what I thought was the safe option, when I moved in with him, my parents told me once I left home that was it, there was no coming back ever, so I felt I had nowhere to turn to)...... I hope that helps explain why I don't have the confidence to just go. I suspect he well and truly groomed me before we got together, and my lack of experience is exactly why he was interested.

I really am trying - and I appreciate the advice about the Freedom program and Women's Aid. It's so hard with no proof of the things he says and does.

Thank you all.

[Tillow4ever]

@been and done it. I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar boat to me. I hope you can escape one day too.

[Jimmyneutronsforehead]

As your youngest is 10, the courts will definitely consider what the children want out of this arrangement too.

Your husband can threaten 50/50 until he's blue in the face but he's a nasty piece of work and you'd do well to distance yourself.

You get one shot at this life. Don't waste it on that tosser.

[loginsaredicks]

@Tillow4ever

Nowhere did I say I fucked his laptop up. When he came back through he didn't say a word, suggesting that he hadn't lost anything. The most damage I could have done was lost unsaved work. If the power had gone out, or the battery died because he left it on all night, he'd have lost all his work AND risked actual damage by not shutting it down properly.

You have a lot of power cuts then?

[KyaClark]

@loginsaredicks

The thread has moved on. Try to keep up.

[IrishladyNE]

That is so hostile, I think you have become desensitised to this and that does happen over time. I honestly think my post would be - my partner told me to f#ck off die, should I leave?

My ex would speak to me badly but I don't even think he'd say that, it was normal to me. After 7 years of bliss and nobody speaking to me like that a guy on a dating site did. I was so shocked and it felt so repulsive but it used to be my normal.

[TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz]

Well his response is obviously terrible so that’s a different matter but you were unreasonable to shut down his laptop.

I aways have many documents open (that I’m actively using) and don’t shut down as I want them to be there the next day. Recovering open documents doesn’t always pan out.

[Tillow4ever]

@TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz

Well his response is obviously terrible so that’s a different matter but you were unreasonable to shut down his laptop.

I aways have many documents open (that I’m actively using) and don’t shut down as I want them to be there the next day. Recovering open documents doesn’t always pan out.

If it had been on the screen with documents open I'd have saved and closed or asked him to come and save it all. But it was on the Lock Screen and I had no reason to think he'd left anything open, just that he'd forgotten to switch it off, and was being lazy by asking me to just mute it. If he had said, oh I've got stuff open, it needs saving, I'd have asked him to come and do that, instead of leaving it on all night. Maybe I'd have more sympathy for him if he didn't deliberately switch off the kids consoles (the incorrect way) if they go to the loo and he happens to walk through whilst it's on).