For turning off my husbands laptop?

[Tillow4ever]

So tonight I went through to lock up the conservatory, and heard music coming out of my husband's work laptop. Bear in mind this is 4-5 hours after he finished work, and not the first time it has happened. He had already gone upstairs (leaving me to lock everything up, sort lunches, etc). So I shouted up to tell him there was music coming from it, he replied "just press the mute button". So I called back, "how about just turn it off rather than wasting electricity all night having it running?"

Now he is ALWAYS yelling at the kids about stuff being left on, even if they've just left the room to go to the loo. The man who leaves every light on, every cupboard open, every item left where it lands, gets very upset about anyone else doing the same.

So I went through, waited a moment, then found the shut down icon and clicked it (it was on the Lock Screen so I couldn't see any files open). When I went back into the house he yelled down to ask if I had pressed mute. I said no, I shut it down properly and didn't know where the mute button was on his laptop anyway, but it needs turning off with rising energy costs!

He started yelling at me for doing that and going on about "if he'd lost any work" to which I admit I snapped that he should have saved it before finishing and should have shut it down himself, or come down when I let him know. He told me to fuck off and die.

AIBU for having shut it down given he's not forgiving of anyone else for leaving stuff on and I gave him opportunity to come and do it himself?

YANBU - he should have done it himself if he needed anything saving

YABU - regardless of how much it was going to cost us (we pay 50/50 even though he earns 50% more than me plus I paid all childcare previously and currently pay out the kids mobile phones and my own when his goes through the house account) electricity wise I should have left it on and just found the mute button.

If you think I'm being unreasonable I will apologise to him in the morning.

I can't get my head round the fact that your 'D' H told you to fuck off and die. I would be working towards getting out of this relationship OP.

He told you to fuck off and die????

Omg.

And he earns more than you but you pay 50/50???

And he tells the kids Off but does the same thing??

He sounds like a complete abusive arsehole. I'd leave him for the fuck off and die comment alone.

You’re married, so you’re entitled to marital assets plus potentially part of his pension etc. You say the kids hate him, why are you still tolerating all of this shit, putting yourself and the kids through this?

Thank you, I'll look that up. I guess my confidence is so low that I always feel that it's not that bad because at least he doesn't hit me. I know that's a low bar when I say it.

I wonder what software was involved. If I tell Windows 11 to shut down, it refuses to do so until I've told it whether or not to save my open Excel spreadsheet. (I have deliberately turned autosave off.)

How old are the kids? They will be allowed to say who they want to stay with and every single thread I’ve read on here re abusive men says they’ve said they want 50/50, but then can’t be arsed and accept every other weekend.

My jaw literally dropped when I got to the F off and die part... totally not ok!

I'm about to go to bed, and might not get a chance to look at further replies until after work tomorrow, so please don't think I'm abandoning the post never to return. I will read any further replies as soon as I can, and appreciate any advice people give on a way to increase my confidence to escape!

“He told me to fuck off and die.”

He said WHAT??? And it’s not the first time he said it?

Get your ducks in a row and leave.

Can’t get over this

I've lost count of the times I've clicked shutdown, walked to me bedroom, then glanced along the corridor and seen my monitor still on, because Windows 11 has decided it can't comply with my request. And can't tell me it's not going to comply until after I've left the room.

17, 14 and 10. The 10 year old is very clingy to me, he's always been very close to me, and would be devastated and wouldn't sleep if he wasn't in the same house as me die even one night (if I ever stop away with work he doesn't sleep all night, if he has a sleepover it always has to be his friend comes here). So I need to be sure that either he's confident enough to be apart from me overnight, or old enough that a court would allow him to make the decision (Gillick competent).

Not sure then because it gave a warning that unsaved work would be lost, but didn't say if there was any. Obviously I couldn't open it to check as I don't know the password and what idiot deliberately doesn't save their work before leaving it? It definitely turned off.

I doubt a 10 year old could be made to have contact if he refused. The older ones obviously can’t be made to have contact-what will he do, physically pick them up? It just won’t happen.

So what are you going to do?

What?! I'd have poured a cup of hot tea on his laptop for that. He has no right to talk to you like that. *fuckingarse ☹️

have no way to afford a place of our own whilst having to pay for half a mortgage so he can't try to claim more of the equity.

It doesnt work like that
Unless you have something legal on the mortgage already that says this
As you married it doesnt matter who pays mortgage
In divorce you get half assets

Get out
Rent
Stop paying half mortgage
Get divorced
Yes you need legal advice for sure but stop looking for reasons to stay
You are not protecting dc from him at all by staying
Take dc away for a weekend with just you
How do you feel?

So this absolutely isn’t about the laptop.

it’s about the abuse on the relationship.

and about the financial inequity.

forget the laptop.

I had an ex who told me to fuck off and die. Once he said it and I yelled ‘you go first, I insist..’ stopped him in his tracks. He is an ex because he was a rude, abusive bastard.

Leave and if he can’t afford the mortgage we’ll then he will have to sell. Talk to woman’s aid and as per the saying on here goes get your ducks in a row. Get your important documents away somewhere safe, get all his financial info. The kids don’t need to be 50/50 if they express a wish not to see him. Please don’t let them grow up in that environment. My mum stayed because my dad convinced her wend never be able to go to college/uni iv then split up. Eh of course we would. It still affects me in my 40’s and has held me back.

At their ages they won’t even have to see him if they don’t want to.

Please do whatever you have to to leave him. You only get one life. You’ve lost two decades of being happy and living in peace to this unutterable bastard.

Use your children as your motivation. You’re all suffering and you’re the only one who can change things. The older one will move out as soon as they can to get away from the nightmare that your home must be given the atmosphere and abuse.

He wouldn't have the kids 50/50. Too much like hard work. He's a prize prick OP and you can do better.

I remember your other posts.

I know how hard it is to imagine a life beyond this. But it's there. And hard as it will be, and it will be hard, I can promise you it will be better.

There is no price to be put on emotional safety & freedom to be yourself.

In practical terms, is there anyone IRL you could sit down with & plan your next steps?

Regarding access, you can't make a 10 to stay with his father if he doesn't want to (I've had this with mine & my ex).

Abusive men thrive on control & reaction. When he can't affect you any longer, and he gets no reaction, he will lose interest.

(Side note really but you were actually unreasonable about shutting the laptop like that!)

Your husband is a dick! Hope you can move on

Why on earth are you putting up with that? What example are the kids getting when they see their dad talking to their mum in such a vile and disrespectful way. Whether or not you were wrong over the laptop, he is a disgusting bully and you would be better off leaving him.

He might have found it at the end of the garden if he said that to me!

How old are they now?