Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she being unreasonable re childcare?

96 replies

dottieautie · 01/09/2022 18:40

A relatively new mum friend (mumchum) had asked if we could share childcare over the upcoming strikes & nursery closures. I agreed but explained I would be working so it would be my DH (he is striking but not on picket line) who would have to take the kids (3&4). I did ask him first. He told her himself, he was happy to have them as two is often easier than one.

Mumchum then started saying she’d try to find someone else as it wasn’t fair to my husband. This has angered him as he thinks she doesn’t trust him with her child. Our mutual friend messaged me to say mumchum had also refused her husband to care for her kids a day during the strikes (he is also on strike) but it was ok if she would be doing it.

Is mumchum being unreasonable? Why is it ok for me to look after her child but not my dh?

YABU - Mumchum has a valid point. Striking fathers shouldn’t be doing childcare.

YANBU - If the dads are available but the mums are working then she ought to be happy someone is offering to have her kids.

OP posts:
Snog · 01/09/2022 18:42

It's not possible to look after preschoolers while working in my opinion

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 01/09/2022 18:42

She's entitled to have whoever she wants looking after her child. Does she know dh?

Sirzy · 01/09/2022 18:43

If they are striking then they should be on the picket line surely?

why do the strikes mean rhe nuesery is closed?

buzzbuzzybuzz · 01/09/2022 18:43

Snog · 01/09/2022 18:42

It's not possible to look after preschoolers while working in my opinion

The men are on strike though

KyaClark · 01/09/2022 18:43

Does she know the dads?

I wouldn't leave my child with a parent I didn't know regardless of their sex.

buzzbuzzybuzz · 01/09/2022 18:43

Sirzy · 01/09/2022 18:43

If they are striking then they should be on the picket line surely?

why do the strikes mean rhe nuesery is closed?

You don't have to be on the picket line

buzzbuzzybuzz · 01/09/2022 18:44

Anyway I think if she's not comfortable with it she's not comfortable with it, be it for some sort of moral reason or not. Don't judge.

User354354 · 01/09/2022 18:44

Mumchum is a new one on me. It's on par with hubby 🤢

User354354 · 01/09/2022 18:45

In answer to your actual question. Is obvious she doesn't want your DH looking after her DC. Her choice, just say no probs and move on.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 01/09/2022 18:45

Her feelings about a dad instead of a mum looking after her children are unreasonable, but ultimately, she can’t be expected to leave her children in a situation that makes her uncomfortable.

YellowHpok · 01/09/2022 18:46

YABU for mumchum

buzzbuzzybuzz · 01/09/2022 18:47

ClocksGoingBackwards · 01/09/2022 18:45

Her feelings about a dad instead of a mum looking after her children are unreasonable, but ultimately, she can’t be expected to leave her children in a situation that makes her uncomfortable.

They aren't. It might be because she doesn't really know the men as only has "mumchums".

LadyApplejack · 01/09/2022 18:48

She's a "relatively new" friend who probably doesn't know your DH, if she's not comfortable I think that's fair enough really.

MolliciousIntent · 01/09/2022 18:48

Do she and her kids know your DH?

mrcow · 01/09/2022 18:49

Sirzy · 01/09/2022 18:43

If they are striking then they should be on the picket line surely?

why do the strikes mean rhe nuesery is closed?

No they shouldn’t……

Original poster
dottieautie · 01/09/2022 18:49

Yes she knows both fathers, she’s known our mutual friends husband since childhood.

No they are not picketing on the days they offered childcare, there is no requirement to do so while striking.

I personally think she’s cutting off her nose to spite her face. She has two childcare options, kids are all friends but she’s refusing because they carers are men. Absolutely her right to choose who looks after her kids, I just find it odd she’s happy to have me do it, in the same house that my husband would be in but not have my husband do it himself.

OP posts:
Tandora · 01/09/2022 18:51

ClocksGoingBackwards · 01/09/2022 18:45

Her feelings about a dad instead of a mum looking after her children are unreasonable, but ultimately, she can’t be expected to leave her children in a situation that makes her uncomfortable.

Huh why?? It’s about assessing risk. I would be much more cautious about leaving my small children in the care of a man than a woman.

buzzbuzzybuzz · 01/09/2022 18:52

Yes she knows both fathers, she’s known our mutual friends husband since childhood. maybe she knows them and still doesn't trust them

NuffSaidSam · 01/09/2022 18:55

She has an absolute right to pick who cares for her child.

If she's uncomfortable with your DH doing, whilst I understand that it's a bit hurtful for him, it's absolutely her choice.

You don't know her background or history perhaps she's suffered at the hands of a male friend before and the trust isn't there.

Getting annoyed about someone else's childcare choices is ridiculous. Find something better to do.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 01/09/2022 18:58

YABU & also a bit shitty to be posting it here, if she's a mn'er this is going to be upsetting for her.

You don't know her, her husbands or her child's full history. You don't know what abuse might have happened. It's a shame she doesn't trust men now but it's not personal to your DH.

you're being horribly judgemental & snide

MaryHoldTheCandleSteadyWhileIShaveTheChickensLeg · 01/09/2022 18:59

Her kids, her choice.

I can't vote as you've manipulated it, so neither apply here imo.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 01/09/2022 19:00

dottieautie · 01/09/2022 18:49

Yes she knows both fathers, she’s known our mutual friends husband since childhood.

No they are not picketing on the days they offered childcare, there is no requirement to do so while striking.

I personally think she’s cutting off her nose to spite her face. She has two childcare options, kids are all friends but she’s refusing because they carers are men. Absolutely her right to choose who looks after her kids, I just find it odd she’s happy to have me do it, in the same house that my husband would be in but not have my husband do it himself.

She knows them but do the fathers regularly interact with her kids, facilitate play dates etc? are her kids as familiar with your husband as they are you.

I know my kids would love to spend time with a few Of their friends mums, but they wouldn’t the dads simply because they haven’t seen them as much and haven’t spoken to them (with the expecting of one day who does do play dates etc).

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 01/09/2022 19:03

To paraphrase the great Mean Girls- stop trying to make mumchum a thing.
she can have anyone she likes .

littlelovely · 01/09/2022 19:04

Does she have a husband/partner? I wondered if there’s a clue in her personal life that makes her so uncomfortable about the arrangement. It does seem pretty unreasonable to me but it’s her choice I guess.

My DH is currently on shared parental leave looking after our 11 month old while I work, and is an equal parent. I think he would also be a little bit hurt if a friend refuses him looking after their kid.

Hugasauras · 01/09/2022 19:07

I 'know' several of my friends' husbands too but I'm still not sure I would have them looking after my DD solo. Not because I think they are dodgy but because it's a lot to ask of someone I don't know that well and I don't feel comfortable leaving DD with someone she doesn't know that well either 🤷‍♀️ The kids involve sound pretty young and the list of people I'd leave my 3yo with for any length of time is reasonably small,