Is she being unreasonable re childcare?

[dottieautie]

A relatively new mum friend (mumchum) had asked if we could share childcare over the upcoming strikes & nursery closures. I agreed but explained I would be working so it would be my DH (he is striking but not on picket line) who would have to take the kids (3&4). I did ask him first. He told her himself, he was happy to have them as two is often easier than one.

Mumchum then started saying she’d try to find someone else as it wasn’t fair to my husband. This has angered him as he thinks she doesn’t trust him with her child. Our mutual friend messaged me to say mumchum had also refused her husband to care for her kids a day during the strikes (he is also on strike) but it was ok if she would be doing it.

Is mumchum being unreasonable? Why is it ok for me to look after her child but not my dh?

YABU - Mumchum has a valid point. Striking fathers shouldn’t be doing childcare.

YANBU - If the dads are available but the mums are working then she ought to be happy someone is offering to have her kids.

If op is in Scotland it’s cleansing staff/refuse collectors/canteen staff etc that are striking so quite possible they don’t work directly with kids. Teachers are still going to be in school(in my authority anyway) and delivering learning online.

OP YANBU she’s being sexist

She’s basically saying I think u will abuse my child if your left to look after them

Even with your explanation, I still don’t get the nursery connection.

If not wanting to leave children with a male acquaintance is sexist then I guess she is sexist. But I think it is her risk assessment to make. Bad things do happen to children in the hands of male acquaintances, females not so much.

It's not that odd. Sexual violence is overwhelmingly committed by men. By the time they get to adulthood, most women will have experienced this from a man, from groping to anything else.

Small children are very vulnerable. I don't like to leave my children alone with men (any men, even those who seem friendly). I'm very much less worried about women as they are very much less likely to harm my kids. I know this is fact because of crime statistics and also from personal experience of being assaulted by various males since primary school.

She's being cautious and protecting her child, perhaps because of some incident/s in her own past.

Yabu for the way you have worded this question and for the way you have taken offence to something which has little to do with you. Of course fathers can be trusted to do childcare but that doesn't mean this woman has to trust your husband or anyone else's. You have no idea what previous experiences your friend or her child have had, so stop making it about you or your husband and leave her to it.

Childhood sexual abuse is overwhelming committed by men - imyiubdint have to go far for a horror story of where it was a close and trusted friend of the family.

this might not be her reason at all. But if it is fair enough - she’s not saying your husband is a sex abuser - she’d be saying men as a group are more likely to be potential sex offenders 🤷‍♀️

it is unhelpful in that it means that the burden of childcare remains with women

but I certainly would think it’s a reasonable risk assessment

She is weighing up facts objectively. She is not considering the actual man just the facts about men in general and that is fine. I see it the same as the way I've had several chats with in laws about not forcing cuddles on the kids. I am not viewing them as predators, mearly looking at the facts and doing my best to keep my kids safe. Yes she is minimising her childcare options but she will be aware she is doing this and doing it anyway because to her it feels like the right thing to do for her kids. You also don't know if she has any personal experience that may be making her more aware.

This. And parents can (and should) risk assess who they leave their children with, and put their children’s safety above an adult’s feelings.

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable but I can see your dilemma.

"Even with your explanation, I still don’t get the nursery connection."

@Aprilx council workers are striking so local authority nurseries attached to schools will be closed. Private nurseries won't be. Given the OP says kids are 3 and 4, I assume they attend a school nursery.

Between 1% and 5% of men are paedophiles. That's up to 1 in 20.

She doesn't want to risk it - and that's fine. Maybe she's a survivor of CSA, maybe something has already happened in her family.

It's almost certainly not personal. And her reasoning is likely private and none of your business.

I knew a man who I would have allowed to look after my daughter. Luckily he never did as he is now serving more than 20 years for grooming children and sexual abuse.

The mum can say no to anybody looking after her children. She doesn’t need to justify it in my opinion.

I find it odd that Op and a few other have thought it offensive/unfair (whatever word you want to use) that her friend doesn’t want ops husband doing childcare.

Shouldn’t we be happy when parents are thoughtful about who they leave their children with, that parents assess the situation to determine if their happy with the arrangements before agreeing. Parents taking responsibility for planning safe childcare arrangements.

whether it’s to do with sex or not is irrelevant. Ops friend is uncomfortable about leaving her child with ops husband and so it’s right she doesn’t. She may well see things in her husband that op doesn’t (not uncommon) or it may be nothing personal, either way it’s right she does what she as a parent feels is right.

I had a friend who wouldn't let her daughter sleep over (in teens) at any of her friends houses who had dads living with them. Only those whose were single mums.

I don't care how 'double-standards' it is, no way would I have a random man looking after my kids.

Take logic out of this. In the end the mum has to trust someone to leave her child there. Regardless of the logic, if she has an irrational worry at the back of her mind, that worry doesn't go away just because it ought to.

Maybe she has bad history with men. Maybe her child is frightened of men. You don't know what goes on in other people's homes. When it comes to trusting people with our children, there is no logic. Don't take offence, I doubt she can help it.

Voted yabu because it's her call. There are sadly loads of people who worry about men looking after kids. There have been loads of mumsnet threads about this sort of prejudice.

Sadly it was the older brothers that were the risk factor for me

i wouldn’t leave my kid with your husband either op.

im sure you think he is great and all but having been under the thumb of several abusers I wouldn’t trust my own or another woman’s judgement of a man enough to leave my daughter unattended with them especially preverbal and while requiring toiletting help.

If they have a problem with that I suggest they direct their efforts at changing the crime statistics because they won’t be changing my mind.

Yes, any man who is upset by this should dedicate himself to tackling the problem of male violence. Ask men to change rather than asking women to stop being cautious of men.

Yes it could be this. May seem a bit paranoid to OP but some people feel differently.

@HerrenaHarridan my mum was the same. She had been abused by older teenage boys as a child so would never leave me alone with one when I was younger.

Needs must.

i support men who want to go into education and childcare roles and would be delighted to see more men in nursery and schools etc

But leave my preverbal child alone with a man in the privacy of their own home?

nothing but nothing would persuade me

I work hard not to let my pretty extreme CSA affect my daily life or impact my daughters freedom but this isn’t about me being prejudiced by my experiences because the statistics say it’s not just a me problem

Being angry at survivors for taking measures to keep themselves and their kids safe is just entitled man bullshit which had he been to one targeted as a sexual opportunity from before school age I think he would view very differently.

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable here

Your friend isn't being unreasonable for feeling uncomfortable

Your DH isn't unreasonable for feeling hurt

You're not unreasonable for thinking she is being ott

Do they have children?

She has the right to do whatever she is comfortable with. But for what it's worth, I completely agree with you. I find it endlessly frustrating when women won't let men look after their children. If for no other reason than nothing will change if we continue to act like men looking after children is weird or different.

In our extended circle the men all do plenty of childcare and playdates and lift clubs etc, particularly for DD's friendship group where there are more men who are WFH/flexible than women. But when DH was still a SAHD and DS started school - it was sometimes a bit tricky and I really do think it negatively impacted DS' socialisation because DH was uncomfortable asking for playdates because it was clear that for a lot of parents, that wasn't an option - they didn't want to leave their children with him and they were uncomfortable with being man and woman together on a playdate.