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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she being unreasonable re childcare?

96 replies

dottieautie · 01/09/2022 18:40

A relatively new mum friend (mumchum) had asked if we could share childcare over the upcoming strikes & nursery closures. I agreed but explained I would be working so it would be my DH (he is striking but not on picket line) who would have to take the kids (3&4). I did ask him first. He told her himself, he was happy to have them as two is often easier than one.

Mumchum then started saying she’d try to find someone else as it wasn’t fair to my husband. This has angered him as he thinks she doesn’t trust him with her child. Our mutual friend messaged me to say mumchum had also refused her husband to care for her kids a day during the strikes (he is also on strike) but it was ok if she would be doing it.

Is mumchum being unreasonable? Why is it ok for me to look after her child but not my dh?

YABU - Mumchum has a valid point. Striking fathers shouldn’t be doing childcare.

YANBU - If the dads are available but the mums are working then she ought to be happy someone is offering to have her kids.

OP posts:
mackthepony · 01/09/2022 19:08

It's just gonna get way too complicated and end in tears

loveireland · 01/09/2022 19:09

Snog · 01/09/2022 18:42

It's not possible to look after preschoolers while working in my opinion

Not really relevant.

KyaClark · 01/09/2022 19:13

Maybe she just really doesn't want an unrelated man helping her child to the toilet / changing nappies?

DuggeeHugPlease · 01/09/2022 19:18

On the face of it it's double standards but it's up to her. I would probably feel the same even if I don't like to admit it. Statistically men are more of a risk.
I also think there's somewhat of an assumption that women should help each other out whereas asking a man is much more of an imposition on them - again double standards but that's how it is.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 01/09/2022 19:24

I might be misunderstanding the connection between strikes and nursery closures, but if these men are on strike from their jobs in a nursery /nurseries, surely they are great people to be looking after her children? They presumably have childcare qualifications and plenty of experience of looking after other people's children?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/09/2022 19:29

I didn’t really know how to vote!

i mean my view is it’s fine for a dad to do it, but if she doesn’t want to do that then it’s her choice.

I can’t put it back to neutral vote now as I’ve pressed YABU (and can only change it to YANBU which I don’t think either, going by your voting) but I don’t agree with either statement.

Trixielo · 01/09/2022 19:30

NuffSaidSam · 01/09/2022 18:55

She has an absolute right to pick who cares for her child.

If she's uncomfortable with your DH doing, whilst I understand that it's a bit hurtful for him, it's absolutely her choice.

You don't know her background or history perhaps she's suffered at the hands of a male friend before and the trust isn't there.

Getting annoyed about someone else's childcare choices is ridiculous. Find something better to do.

Exactly this

GeorgiaGirl52 · 01/09/2022 19:34

KyaClark · 01/09/2022 18:43

Does she know the dads?

I wouldn't leave my child with a parent I didn't know regardless of their sex.

This^ Not because he's a man but he is a stranger.

Deadringer · 01/09/2022 19:35

Why is your dh angry about it? As a pp said she is assessing risk, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

girlmom21 · 01/09/2022 19:45

I have friends with children the same age as mine who I would trust to look after my children. I wouldn't trust their husbands because they're a bit useless.

Kangaruby · 01/09/2022 19:51

At child protection training a few years back the male professor stated the easiest way to reduce risk to a child is to use a female babysitter rather than male, it may not be fair to most men but when it comes to a child's safety you are allowed to risk assess

RichardMarxisinnocent · 01/09/2022 20:08

I was starting to think I'd completely misunderstood and the DH's work for train companies which are striking, but a quick Google shows that schools and nurseries are striking in Scotland this month, so the DH's may well be either teachers or nursery staff.

buzzbuzzybuzz · 01/09/2022 20:11

RichardMarxisinnocent · 01/09/2022 20:08

I was starting to think I'd completely misunderstood and the DH's work for train companies which are striking, but a quick Google shows that schools and nurseries are striking in Scotland this month, so the DH's may well be either teachers or nursery staff.

Oh!!! In that case yes it would be a bit odd if they were in fact qualified nursery staff!! But still her choice so don't sweat it.

Christonabike37 · 01/09/2022 20:15

Sorry I wouldn't have a man I didn't know VERY well looking after my child. I also wouldn't have someone I don't often see interacting with their own/my child looking after them at that age.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 01/09/2022 20:18

Suggest to dh that he meets up with other husband and you can sit back with the feeling that you have offered so can't be made to feel guilty and let her get on with finding more childcare.

Chichz · 01/09/2022 20:20

"Getting annoyed about someone else's childcare choices is ridiculous"

I think the amount of people on here calling others 'ridiculous' is also, well, ridiculous! Such a rude way to respond to others when discussing a topic.

Have I misunderstood about the 'sharing childcare' part? From what I gather, the friend'a choices also impact the OP.

Chichz · 01/09/2022 20:20

Friend's*

SleepingStandingUp · 01/09/2022 20:21

Is she entitled to refuse free child care because she doesn't want it to be X?
Yes.

Is X entitled to feel offended that they are assumed to be untrustworthy - either abusive or neglectful?
Yes.

Is it worth getting het up about?
No.

Sort childcare with the other family with the Dad at home and leave her to sort herself out.

Vivi0 · 01/09/2022 21:00

I actually think it’s admirable that your friend isn’t prepared to put her child in a situation she does not feel comfortable with, rather than going along with it so as not to cause offence.

This really isn’t personal. It’s not about your DH, it’s about her child.

As a parent, and a woman, I completely understand her position.

This isn’t something I could get worked up about. I don’t understand why people are shaming the friend for doing one of the most important things a parent can do.

AmIDoingItRight · 01/09/2022 21:06

What strikes?

HollyGoLoudly1 · 01/09/2022 21:12

YABU - Mumchum has a valid point. Striking fathers shouldn’t be doing childcare.

I voted YABU but I don't agree with the reason you've posted here. She has a valid point because she doesn't have to leave her child with someone she doesn't know (or just doesn't want to).

Your husband was very kind to offer though.

Groovee · 01/09/2022 21:30

AmIDoingItRight · 01/09/2022 21:06

What strikes?

The ones taking place in some Scottish councils next week over pay.

NuffSaidSam · 01/09/2022 21:39

RichardMarxisinnocent · 01/09/2022 20:08

I was starting to think I'd completely misunderstood and the DH's work for train companies which are striking, but a quick Google shows that schools and nurseries are striking in Scotland this month, so the DH's may well be either teachers or nursery staff.

Or refuse collectors. They're on strike as well.

Bunnycat101 · 01/09/2022 21:41

At those ages a lot of children still need toileting help and that might be why she’s more cautious - 3/4 year olds are still pretty little.

stayinghometoday · 02/09/2022 05:34

buzzbuzzybuzz · 01/09/2022 18:52

Yes she knows both fathers, she’s known our mutual friends husband since childhood. maybe she knows them and still doesn't trust them

I second this. I've known my friends husband for 25 years and wouldn't leave my dd with him for 1 second. I can't tell my friend but he has made sexual remarks to me when she's not around. I'm also not sure if he might be a pedi. She thinks he's great if course and she'd never believe me.