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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not back up Mil when she tells my dc something?

68 replies

IAmAGargoyle · 31/08/2022 22:25

DMil is with us on a visit. She's come from quite far so is staying for a few weeks. She spends most of her time with ds7. She's also very helpful otherwise and has been helping us with chores, etc. So far we've got along quite well. However, she just asked me to back her up when she tells ds something and said it's confusing for ds that I don't. However, the times I don't back her up is when I don't agree with what she has said (e.g. she's always telling Ds to be careful so that he won't get hurt, or to not touch stuff or to wash his hands after every tiny thing, etc). It doesn't matter what it is but what matters is that I don't agree. E.g I don't want Ds to learn to be overly cautious (he's anyway a very cautious child and very hesitant to take physical risks). So I tried to explain that I consciously don't back her up because I don't agree with what she's saying. She said it's confusing for ds (and insinuated that he will use it to manipulate us) if I say something different to her. I said Ds can just check with me (which he does) and then I'll tell him what needs to be done, which is either in line with what mil is saying (if I agree with it) or not.

Also, when it comes to consistency isn't it more important to be consistent in my messaging rather than changing my demands or expectations based on what someone else is saying? So I always say no or yes to the same things rather than letting ds touch a stick (or something that.mil considers dirty) when It's just us but not when mil is around?

At the same time the things we disagree on are nothing really that requires us to have a big talk about and it come to an agreement so that we are on the same.page and can present a united front. Or do we have to do that? As lovely as mil is she never budges on her opinions. Also, there's just too many things. Surely we can't have a conversation about every little thing and do we need to considering she is not a parent? I'm willing to do that with dh to an extent but not anyone else.

I also don't want to ask her to not say anything to ds ever because 1. I don't want to police someone else's speech (and I don't think what she says is harmful. It just doesn't fit in with what I want to teach my child) and 2. Maybe it's good for ds to hear differing viewpoints. I do this with my mum. I will openly challenge her on something that she tells ds (and vice versa) and we discuss it a bit and it's all good. I think it teaches Ds how to handle conflict or differing opinions. I don't do it with mil because I think she'd find it disrespectful.

Anyway, we didn't have a massive row about it but I somehow do feel very guilty. I am pretty sure I am right in not backing her up about things I don't agree with but why do I feel so unreasonable and guilty? Should I be backing her up considering she is spending so much time with Ds? She isn't doing child care for us. She has asked to spend this time with ds but she does help out a lot.

How do other parents handle this? Do you back up any adult or family member to keep what everyone says to dc consistent?

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmAGargoyle · 31/08/2022 22:27

Especially when it comes to someone who is actually quite nice and helpful?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/08/2022 22:28

If she wants consistency, she needs to fit in with the house culture. I think you’re handling it well and shouldn’t feel guilty.

Brigante9 · 31/08/2022 22:29

Why do you feel guilty? Your mil sounds obsessive re dirt. I certainly wouldn’t want ds to become obsessed, dirt is good (to an extent) You’re the parent, not her. Perhaps you could have a conversation about not getting obsessive over dirt/whatever she is focusing on?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/08/2022 22:31

She needs to fall into line with you, not the other way around. I agree it’s far more important that you’re consistent with yourself than with the things that MIL has now tried to impose.

ElspethTascioni · 31/08/2022 22:31

She’s not the co-parent, so no “united front” required. Stick to your normal rules/standards.

ChickinMarango · 31/08/2022 22:33

Can you flip her perspective? Maybe have a chat and reinforce you are one of the main caregivers along with DH so you’d like her to back you up on things you may initially disagree on.

Neverendingdust · 31/08/2022 22:36

How odd you wouldn’t agree with her telling your dc to be careful.

Original poster
IAmAGargoyle · 31/08/2022 22:36

Brigante9 · 31/08/2022 22:29

Why do you feel guilty? Your mil sounds obsessive re dirt. I certainly wouldn’t want ds to become obsessed, dirt is good (to an extent) You’re the parent, not her. Perhaps you could have a conversation about not getting obsessive over dirt/whatever she is focusing on?

I did. I told her that I think she is obsessive and her fear of dirt isn't reasonable and I don't want ds to overly worry about dirt and germs or feel disgusted by everything because it makes life unnecessarily Harder (I know because I'm like that. Really struggle using public toilets etc). She took it well but disagreed. She probably thinks the kids have got a constant cold because I'm too lax about cleanliness.

I think I'm feeling so guilty because I know that right now she is cleaning the kitchen and does so quite often when I'm putting the baby to bed. I ask her not to but she does it anyway. She also backs me up when dh and I disagree on anything child related (as in many aspects like discipline, etc, DMil and I actually agree) so am I biting the hands that feeds me?

OP posts:
MrsWooster · 31/08/2022 22:37

Your choice is to support your Mil or to support your child. I know which I’d do….
If she wants to avoid being undermined, then SHE needs to back you up and support your parenting.

Original poster
IAmAGargoyle · 31/08/2022 22:40

Neverendingdust · 31/08/2022 22:36

How odd you wouldn’t agree with her telling your dc to be careful.

Because

  1. ds tends to be overly careful anyway. I think he needs to be encouraged to not be so afraid of getting a bit hurt.
  1. I don't want him to think that the world is a dangerous place full of hazards
  1. Most things she asks him to be careful about (like touching plants whose leaves are a bit spiky or running on tarmac) are totally over the top.
OP posts:
Halo1234 · 31/08/2022 22:40

No. Yanbu. You don't need to back anyone up if you don't agree. Your son is capable of understanding that people can have different opinions. You are right it's more confusing if you move the goal posts to mil's goal posts then back again. I tell mine "that's what gran thinks.....but I think this. We love gran and I can see why she said that but I disagree because....."
I dont confront my mil about it just tell my son what I think and why. Your mil bringing it up to you is frustrating. I would need to be firm at that point and tell her no I am not backing anyone up unless I think they are in the right. Not everything had to be her way. Its your home and your son.

VintageVest · 31/08/2022 22:43

My Mum takes my lead in this sort of scenario. We had the picking up sticks things too and I just told her my son is allowed to pick up sticks and that was that. She usually checks in with me now and sees if I am ok with certain things. She did once tell him he would get a cold if he didn't wear a coat which I had to disagree on. I don't want him believing things that just aren't true. Anyway, your MIL should be taking your lead too I feel. You are the parent, so you make the rules.

Original poster
IAmAGargoyle · 31/08/2022 22:45

MrsWooster · 31/08/2022 22:37

Your choice is to support your Mil or to support your child. I know which I’d do….
If she wants to avoid being undermined, then SHE needs to back you up and support your parenting.

She doesn't undermine me. If I've said something to ds she won't tell ds the opposite. I also try not to undermine her. Most things aren't worth getting worked up about so I just say nothing and ds the discusses it with mil or continues doing what he wants or checks with me (in which case I stick to my usual line). She does the same. If she doesn't agree she will just keep quiet.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 31/08/2022 22:46

You absolutely shouldn’t feel guilty. She’s got it completely the wrong way round. You’re the parent, not her, and she should be fitting in with your rules, unless you’re doing something really wrong in which case she should discuss it with you.

TBH I can’t see a MIL who undermines the child’s mother like this and expects the mother to fall into line with her own weird obsessive ideas as “lovely”, especially since you say she will never budge. It’s not sensible to teach a child that touching a stick isn’t ok because sticks are “dirty” or that he needs to keep washing his hands. There’s a hint of OCD there.

Snugglemonkey · 31/08/2022 22:47

I agree with @TestingTestingWonTooFree .

If she is concerned about consistency, she needs to understand how you are choosing to do things.

I have this with my dad, it drives me mad. Especially around dirt. I don't care about dirt. DC has a mud kitchen and digging zone, precisely so they can go out and get muddy. It is his favourite thing. If we are out for a walk, I want him to jump in the puddle if he feels like it. I want him to eat spaghetti with gusto and not give a thought to his clothes. If he picks up stuff on a walk, so, he can wash his hands/sanitise. I do not want him to be anxious and precious about not getting dirty, or always seeking approval.

I just tell my dad to back off. Politely, but very firmly. It is up to you to set standards for your child and her responsibility to manage her feelings around it. Things like "actually, we prefer to let him investigate things like sticks". She does not know where your boundaries are, teach her. You teach your own mum. It is a loving thing.

Stripsorspots · 31/08/2022 22:48

You seem very tactful and welcoming to your MIL, but if she thinks consistency is important she'll have to stick to your rules and norms. Can you calmly tell her that you don't want to confuse your son with different rules when she's there and when she's not?

And can you quietly let your son know that his granny has some different ideas to you, but you're his mum so he needs to do what you say? My mum was much sensitive to messy play/mud than me but my daughter understood that she was a bit fussy so it was no big deal, just no muddy puddles if she was in the park with just my mum.

I don't think you should feel guilty that she's cleaning the kitchen - she obviously wants to be useful and help you out - you haven't asked her to do it so graciously accept the help.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 31/08/2022 22:49

I usually ask them to listen to Granny. I feel I'm sending them the message to listen to her or respect her. rather than backing up her message if that makes sense. So granny would like you to finish your dinner, maybe 3 more spoons. But making it clear we're doing it for Granny because she asked and we love and respect her, not because it's necessarily the right thing to do. With my dm I do the same as you.

Original poster
IAmAGargoyle · 31/08/2022 22:51

Halo1234 · 31/08/2022 22:40

No. Yanbu. You don't need to back anyone up if you don't agree. Your son is capable of understanding that people can have different opinions. You are right it's more confusing if you move the goal posts to mil's goal posts then back again. I tell mine "that's what gran thinks.....but I think this. We love gran and I can see why she said that but I disagree because....."
I dont confront my mil about it just tell my son what I think and why. Your mil bringing it up to you is frustrating. I would need to be firm at that point and tell her no I am not backing anyone up unless I think they are in the right. Not everything had to be her way. Its your home and your son.

Apart from the last line that's pretty much what I told her (and what I tell ds at times) and she took it well. I don't know why I'm posting or why I feel so guilty. Maybe it's because she's trying so hard to help (and she is being a great help).

Also, she is kind of used to telling people what to do ahd used to people listening to her. We used to clash a lot previously but now she's mellowed down a lot and tries very hard not to be pushy and dominating with me. I think I feel guilty because I know how much effort she is putting into changing so that we can get along so maybe I should meet her half way and be more flexible?

Surely, not though where the kids are concerned. I mean (and I told her this) I vowed to myself that I'd never make the kids do anything I didn't agree with for the sake of pleasing someone else. (Used to be a huge people pleaser hence the melodramatic vow).

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2022 22:52

Neverendingdust · 31/08/2022 22:36

How odd you wouldn’t agree with her telling your dc to be careful.

'Be careful' is a terrible message for kids. It's a recipe for anxiety, especially in an already careful child.

Specific messages like 'hold a knife like this' or 'don't put things in your mouth without checking' are great. Hovering around, nervously telling DC to be careful is not great.

We're a 'shake it off' family though.

NanooCov · 31/08/2022 22:54

Your MIL sounds like my mum who constantly seems to be saying "Be careful" to my two DS. It winds me up because I think it devalues the phrase and they'll end up tuning it out when there really is something to be careful about! Before my second DS came along I thought she was mainly doing it as she was over cautious about first DS's visual impairment (as there are genuinely things he needs to be cautious about) but she does it with second DS too. They tend to just ignore her now...

FictionalCharacter · 31/08/2022 23:03

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 31/08/2022 22:49

I usually ask them to listen to Granny. I feel I'm sending them the message to listen to her or respect her. rather than backing up her message if that makes sense. So granny would like you to finish your dinner, maybe 3 more spoons. But making it clear we're doing it for Granny because she asked and we love and respect her, not because it's necessarily the right thing to do. With my dm I do the same as you.

This is a viewpoint I profoundly disagree with. Loving and respecting someone doesn’t justify having your child do something that isn’t the right thing to do. I don’t think it’s good to teach your children that they should do something that isn’t right just to please someone.

Original poster
IAmAGargoyle · 31/08/2022 23:05

Stripsorspots · 31/08/2022 22:48

You seem very tactful and welcoming to your MIL, but if she thinks consistency is important she'll have to stick to your rules and norms. Can you calmly tell her that you don't want to confuse your son with different rules when she's there and when she's not?

And can you quietly let your son know that his granny has some different ideas to you, but you're his mum so he needs to do what you say? My mum was much sensitive to messy play/mud than me but my daughter understood that she was a bit fussy so it was no big deal, just no muddy puddles if she was in the park with just my mum.

I don't think you should feel guilty that she's cleaning the kitchen - she obviously wants to be useful and help you out - you haven't asked her to do it so graciously accept the help.

Thanks. Maybe the problem is that she doesn't know what my rules are? I thought she'd just take my lead and if eg she sees me allow Ds playing with mud she'll understand I'm ok with that. I mean she knows that it's not that I lack awareness of what the kids are up to or that I'm too distracted and therefore just miss the mud playing rather that consciously allowing it.

I think what I need to tell ds is that if he isn't sure he should check with me or dh but if he is alone with mil then he does need to respect her authority. The thing is I trust implicitly that she will always want what's best for ds but we might just disagree on what is the best.

OP posts:
Cas112 · 31/08/2022 23:07

She needs to be fitting in with your rules, be consistent with what you have taught.

Not the other way around

Original poster
IAmAGargoyle · 31/08/2022 23:07

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 31/08/2022 22:49

I usually ask them to listen to Granny. I feel I'm sending them the message to listen to her or respect her. rather than backing up her message if that makes sense. So granny would like you to finish your dinner, maybe 3 more spoons. But making it clear we're doing it for Granny because she asked and we love and respect her, not because it's necessarily the right thing to do. With my dm I do the same as you.

Well that's kind of exactly what I don't want him to learn. I don't want him to learn to do things that he disagrees with just because it pleases someone else. I do talk to him about compromises and being kind to others but I don't want him to be a people pleaser like me.

OP posts:
Isaidnoalready · 31/08/2022 23:09

Ex mil was over cautious like this she randomly got it into her head that ds was going to burn his hands off on the cold radiator I reassure her he never touched them she then started touching the (cold) radiator pretending to burn herself saying OW OW OW HOT HOT HOT BURNY HOT HOT ds thought it was hilarious and tried to touch the radiator so she went into her pantomime again all she did was teach a child who had ignored radiators up till that point that he got a reaction (a funny one) if he tried to go near them fortunately he ignored them again after she left she does have diagnosed OCD so we try to be kind to her but even her husband was looking at her like 👀👀🤦‍♂️

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