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AIBU?

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Original poster

Christmas as a single mum and single first ti

67 replies

tearsandtiaras · 31/08/2022 20:26

Mine and Dd's first Christmas alone this year as her father walked out on boxing day last year. A shock to me and deeply traumatic. He has seen dd (12))once twice since and we are both still in shock.

Ive no idea how to make birthday coming up special , or Christmas. We have v little family and none near. It will be just me and her. I am dreading both days, work full time and have very little time or money. Im also dreading her dad calling on both days. Im still in a lot of shock and have breakdowns when he makes contact and have been suicidal earlier this year. Ive always made her birthdays big events- with lots of traditions i feel mean nothing with out him and if i did them i may have a breakdown again.

I literally have no idea how to make it as equally special for DD whilst preserving my MH in order to parent her well and hold down my job Confused

OP posts:
GingerAndLemonn · 31/08/2022 20:28

Could you afford to go out for Christmas dinner? A nice pub or restaurant, followed by a nice walk together I think would be lovely. You didn’t have to worry about cooking or dishes, you can just have a lovely day with her then get home and play with new toys and watch a Christmas film.

Original poster
tearsandtiaras · 31/08/2022 20:33

Thats a great idea but probably not- they are £60 a head and i will already struggle with her Christmas presents. Plus the the thought of watching other happy families enjoy Christmas makes me feel sad.

OP posts:
Beautifulsunflowers · 31/08/2022 20:39

First of all, can you get yourself some counselling? Because it sounds like you need to have someone to talk to.
secondly, talk to your dd! Ask her what she would like to do within budget! For her birthday you could go bowling/host a dinner party for her friends/have a mega movie-a-thon with popcorn/have a takeaway/go geo-caching/visit nearby beach or lakes.
Christmas is different as there’s nothing really open but this year is time to make new traditions. Could you wake up, have stockings, - maybe she can have a small budget to get you one too? Different breakfast from the usual? Festive pancakes or croissants? Then I think it will be important to get out for a walk or a visit to friends for a drink. Then cook dinner together. Open presents while dinners cooking and then settle down later in the afternoon with films and chocolate!

YesitsBess · 31/08/2022 20:40

My son and I have a Christmas tradition from when I was struggling, Christmas Eve we go and watch a matinee film, and after that we go to Pizza Express paid for with my Clubcard points saved through the months. Then home for whatever silliness was on the TV.

The good thing about being out is you can refuse calls that come outside of a set time. Set the time, prepare yourself, and don’t answer calls outside of that time. It’s Christmas Eve, not the apocalypse, nobody needs to be making multiple phone calls to check on people.

MumW · 31/08/2022 20:41

Ok, DD is about to become a teenager so it's a good time to change the traditions now she is entering the 'next phase' of her life.

If you feel comfortable telling us a little about your DD then we can try and give you a few suggestions for your 'new' traditions.

Eg: is she a girly girl? Do you/she like to cook?

Supercal00 · 31/08/2022 20:43

Make sure you’re talking to your doctor about how you feel. Secondly on the actual days maybe plan some activities like a pamper night. Matching pj’s and masks and make it really girly. Doesn’t have to be expensive, drink out of wine glasses and get into a series of films. I know it’s easy but try and not overthink it all. Also maybe get your daughter on board on planning with you, perhaps the meal etc and desert and it’s a joint effort.

Original poster
tearsandtiaras · 31/08/2022 20:45

Thanks for the replies. Her birthday is quite tricky as its a weekday and i won't get home until 7pm. Its a new job so i cant take time off. She leaves for school at 7.30am as do i. She will be alone on her birthday from 4pm-7pm i am deeply sad about it.

OP posts:
Sunnyqueen · 31/08/2022 20:46

As a pp said, start a few of your own new traditions. Nothing elaborate. A Christmas movie every night starting December 1st to keep yourselves in the spirit. Spend Christmas eve making and decorating a posh dessert for after dinner on Christmas day. Make sure to play all the usual hits and wear your santa hats. Have a Chinese christmas eve night. Go to mass.

Original poster
tearsandtiaras · 31/08/2022 20:46

She is having a birthday party ive booked but its 2 weeks after her birthday

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 31/08/2022 20:47

Oh also, and this depends how cheeky you can be, lots of GP surgeries and schools give away their trees when they shut for the holidays, yes I didn’t get my tree until mid-December but it was £50 I didn’t have to spend on one! I’ve got great memories of making paper chains with my mum sitting and listening to carols. I may return to this thread many times as I remember things.

Mine also bailed just after Christmas, after making it fucking miserable for everyone so I do empathise.

I think a year on I was in a much better place though so you need to prioritise working on your mental health for the future, as PP suggested a counsellor may be an excellent investment in yourself.

Original poster
tearsandtiaras · 31/08/2022 20:49

I have tried to get a councellor but sadly I can't afford one and After initial assessment it wasn't deemed important for me to go on the NHS list

OP posts:
georgarina · 31/08/2022 20:49

My best ever Christmas was me and my mum after she left my dad. I was 7. We had no Christmas stockings or tree so she decorated our potted palm tree and used her high heeled boots as stockings. We made biscuits and listened to Christmas music and ate them on our little balcony looking out onto the Christmas lights.

Hope you have a lovely holiday x

waffleyversatile1 · 31/08/2022 20:51

georgarina · 31/08/2022 20:49

My best ever Christmas was me and my mum after she left my dad. I was 7. We had no Christmas stockings or tree so she decorated our potted palm tree and used her high heeled boots as stockings. We made biscuits and listened to Christmas music and ate them on our little balcony looking out onto the Christmas lights.

Hope you have a lovely holiday x

This made me tear up. What a lovely mum x

ColouringPencils · 31/08/2022 20:53

Sorry you are going through such a difficult time @tearsandtiaras. Could you ask DD what she fancies doing? I know it is upsetting to not be home early on her birthday, I would be upset too, but I bet it is the case for so many parents. As long as she feels special when you do celebrate that's all that really matters.
In terms of your ex calling round, can you head off the anxiety by asking him to come at a certain time? Eg if he came over on Christmas Eve, then you know that hurdle is out of the way and can relax on Christmas Day.

greywinds · 31/08/2022 20:57

I know it's a bit out there but we've had birthday cake for breakfast and then a treat dinner when we've had constraints like that on birthdays. Ahhh Christmas - so difficult.
I agree engage your dd in planning what she'd like to do from what's possible.

justfiveminutes · 31/08/2022 20:59

I'm a teacher and can tell you that lots of children attend school and wraparound care on their birthdays - it doesn't seem to diminish their excitement and enjoyment one bit!

Get up really early on her birthday and take her pancakes (or whatever she likes) and her card/gift to open in bed. Kids love that, when waking up feels different and exciting. Send her messages throughout the day so she knows you're thinking about her.

Does she go home from school and wait for you to get home from work? Could you leave some decorations or a homemade cake, and text her where to find them? Come home ten minutes early if you can, so she knows you really really cared and tried and wanted to be with her. Movie and a takeaway (especially a paid movie on sky) are really popular in my classes. Just the two of you, staying up extra late. She'll remember it and think it's special, I promise.

When something similar happened to me, I couldn't bear to be around happy families either so I get that, but just the two of you is absolutely fine.

I think she's old enough for you to have a conversation about Christmas. What does she want to do? Could you visit family? Maybe she'd prefer to stay at home with you, making your own traditions.

Smellywellyhoo · 31/08/2022 21:01

You can usually self refer for counselling/CBT. I qualified for much milder problems than yours.

justfiveminutes · 31/08/2022 21:01

Regarding counselling. There are charities who offer counselling on a 'pay what you can' basis and places who will offer you a trainee counsellor (in final year of training, supervised) at a vastly reduced cost. It is worth investigating. I have had parents approach me for help in similar situations, so school may be able to signpost you.

justfiveminutes · 31/08/2022 21:06

"I literally have no idea how to make it as equally special for DD whilst preserving my MH in order to parent her well and hold down my job."

You get help for your MH, minimise contact with him, stay on top of your job because you need it, and keep being a brilliant parent. Because, just by worrying about how to make these events special for her, and paying for a party when money is tight, you are indeed a caring and brilliant parent. If you show her she's important every day, that's enough for now and one day she will know and appreciate everything you did to hold it together.

RayneDance · 31/08/2022 21:07

I don't think you need to spend lot's to make Xmas good.

Paper snowflakes from the ceiling, decoration, cosy lighting...good music and some nice snacks and a good Film.

RayneDance · 31/08/2022 21:08

My dm left out a cake and card one year...the cake was ginger and absolutely amazing! No one was there but it was lovely.

georgarina · 31/08/2022 21:08

waffleyversatile1 · 31/08/2022 20:51

This made me tear up. What a lovely mum x

Show quote history

Aw thank you💗

YesitsBess · 31/08/2022 21:09

Have you spoken to your work about her birthday? I know some employers are inflexible but you never know unless you ask.

Thelikelylass · 31/08/2022 21:10

Hi OP
for a long time there was just me and my youngest daughter after a split. No family close by. I dreaded it but it now happens that even though we have partners and she still lives with me, she won't have anyone else come for Christmas dinner as she have our own very special Christmas eve, day and boxing day. We get our M and S food and play music on Christmas eve with fizz (or non-alcoholic fizz for your little one) make a big sharing platter. next day it is early o'clock for presents, walk in the park to see neighbours and friends then back home for the meal. we then factor in a post lunch snooze, pj change and then our films. She went to her dad's with his new family one year and hated it, never left since!!! she complained about their food, their opening presents at the wrong time, too much noise, too many people (she is the centre of our world here!) I cannot bear to think this will every change, it will one day but this came out of a split so enjoy it together!

ramarama · 31/08/2022 21:11

OP i'm in the same boat but a few years down the line. It gets much much better :-)

Re her birthday - could you write up a mini treasure hunt for her to do in the hours before you get home? ie post it notes with a little quiz question on each, and can leave a small pack of sweets/lollipop/tiny cheap present with each clue answer around the house in each location. and let her know that you will have special birthday meal once you're home, so she can look forward to that. one present in the morning before school (decorate after she's in bed night before) then main present (or whatever) when you get back, that way she's still got the anticipation to enjoy when you get back that night on the day. Won't cost much