Christmas as a single mum and single first ti

[tearsandtiaras]

Mine and Dd's first Christmas alone this year as her father walked out on boxing day last year. A shock to me and deeply traumatic. He has seen dd (12))once twice since and we are both still in shock.

Ive no idea how to make birthday coming up special , or Christmas. We have v little family and none near. It will be just me and her. I am dreading both days, work full time and have very little time or money. Im also dreading her dad calling on both days. Im still in a lot of shock and have breakdowns when he makes contact and have been suicidal earlier this year. Ive always made her birthdays big events- with lots of traditions i feel mean nothing with out him and if i did them i may have a breakdown again.

I literally have no idea how to make it as equally special for DD whilst preserving my MH in order to parent her well and hold down my job

It will probably be much better than you fear - could she bring a friend home from school on her birthday (or several friends if they are sensible)?

Although you don't have family near, would you consider inviting any of them to spend Christmas with you? Or going to them for a few days? Or inviting friends for Christmas dinner? Or if you don't fancy that, just making a few plans to meet up or invite your daughter's friends to visit over the Christmas period.

Can you do her a little treasure hunt? With clues and maps etc with little cheap things ie bath bombs or whatever to occupy her till your back?

First of all he doesn’t get to turn up or have you on edge all Christmas. So decide that from the 23 rd to the 2 nd Jan you are going to chill. He ruined Christmas last year - that was the last year he ruins it.

on various days do different themes - Disney film and PJ day
a walk up a hill and see the sun set (about 4 pm) and then torches down and hot chocolate and smores
ask the neighbours around for a gin and board games evening

play reverse day she’s mum and you are the child and have to do whatever you are told by her

have a yes day so that whatever they tell you to do (within reason ) you have to do. Mine got me to wear a tutu and a sign saying ‘I’m on a yes day’ and if they said park I had to say yes- they loved this

have you got Netflix Disney or Amazon
line up the movies

let her sleep in the same bed if she wants

there are so many cheap crafts to do

take all offers to see neighbours friends etc and invites

teach her to knit
show her you can and will adult and you have enough live for two parents and you are all she needs

you have got this

What with the cost of living crisis. Xmas Dinner out is really expensive.

I second going to mass which was mentioned upthread.

Christmas services are lovely. They feel magical to me as I think it invokes memories of my Nan I just can't really remember properly but I always think of my Nan when I go.

Right regarding birthday ask one of the other mums if they can help 4-7 and supply a cake to take into school - don’t tell her explain to the school and then drop the cake and candles off without her knowing

you must a network / ask around who are her friends - if people don’t know they can’t help

cupcake and candle in the morning. Nice tea when you get home and celebrate on the weekend. At 12 mine loved going to the local Costa - would one of the mums mind taking them for tea and cake her and a couple of friends after school if you give them £20

Go to church Christmas Eve it’s magical

alsp can I suggest you join a community church and build a support network for you - self refer for counselling and insist with gp to go on a waiting list

My dd made me an Easter egg hunt this year with different bits of paper and she wrote a film or something she'd like to do with just me on them.

Could you do this?

It was all stuff like a pamper night, a film we have t seen, etc etc

I second the PP who said go to the Christmas Eve church service. You will find a welcoming, ready made community. And for DD, a reminder that she also has a heavenly father who would never leave or let her down.
You can sing lovely carols, listen to the readings of the nativity story, and as midnight strikes, share hugs and Christmas wishes with the whole congregation, in celebration of God’s incredible gift of love - Jesus. It is what Christmas is really about, and you will feel uplifted and comforted. Going home through frosted streets, past people’s decorations and lights, is fun too.
My DDs always loved it - their dad died when they were babies, but we always tried to make Christmas happy.

I found the replies to this post heartwarming, how many mums out there did so many things for their kids to make it magical for their babies, when they where struggling. OP you are a great mum. For worrying about it all for a start shows your a good mum.
i wouldn’t bother letting her dad round- he left and ruined last year and why come round on xmas? It’s tarnished due to his fault- make it about you two celebrating and moving forward. Some of the ideas on here are fantastic. There is something magical about walking round on xmas morning with a hot chocolate and listening to all the kids screaming opening presents, seeing others walking alone, saying merry Christmas. I think a good idea would be to socialise with friends mums- they will help you in so many ways. Just have a heart to heart, would you be able to book the new job time off work for them few hours for her birthday as annual leave?

All these women everywhere, faced with hardship and pain and all doing the lovely stuff for their kids. Our kids will never forget our love...and we as adults will never forget our mothers working through pain and adversity alone to make our Christmas's special.

Thanks for all the responses they have been so heartfelt

I love the idea of the treasure hunt after school

I’ve been a lone parent with no family for over a decade.

DCs are 14/12/6.

Eldest two I alternate with their Dad - 23rd to 27th - my youngests father isn’t around.

Before I had my youngest, I’d spend my alone Christmases hosting adults only, as I had a few single parent friends who either alternated Christmas the same year as I did, or their ex’s just had their children for the day/night etc but it stopped us all being alone whenever we would have been.

I did the same for her first Christmas as she was a newborn, but it was a very different vibe. By the time she was three, I was the only single parent left in the group, and Covid had hit.

When all DCs are here, we do something different every year. Last year we had different types of breakfast food for every meal, stayed in our pyjamas all day. The time before that, we went out for Christmas dinner.

It takes a while to find your stride. I also stay off SM because seeing extended families can still be really upsetting.

You've had some great ideas here OP (treasure hunt is a lovely idea) it's definately a time for out, with the old and in with the new, you can do it x

Honestly you have nothing to worry about in regard to making it Special. My mum was a lone parent and my favourite Christmas memory was when I was about your DDs age. We had no money so she only cooked the parts of the Christmas meal we wanted. Basically pigs in blankets and roast potatoes in bowls in front of whatever the Christmas movie was on BBC1. She used to get me and my brother to circle in the tv magazine what we wanted to watch in the lead up to Christmas which made things a little more exciting for a bit longer. I don’t remember a single gift I received but I remember what we did together clearly and I will be doing the same with my children ☺️

This is such a lovely thread. I love MN sometimes.

Why isn't your ex paying support?

Probably because it’s ridiculously easy for men to avoid CMS, who are toothless and do fuck all.

Then haul his ass to court every time.
Some things we have to fight for.
Put pride aside, get tough.
I am so sick of men walking out like this.
OP says how traumatizing it was for both of them. I can only imagine the heartbreak.
Other than my initial advice to take a legal route and dog the bastard, I hope OP can build a strong support system to help her get through this. I had a friend who was a single mum; never asked for a penny from her ex and he never offered or even tried to see his daughter. One day my friend woke up, sought legal help when her daughter was already 13 or so, and sued for support. She won 13 years backpay for her daughter and had the prick's wages garnished.

@bluelogo92 How lovely..

@tearsandtiaras Make things easy on yourself. Don't be in the kitchen all the time, birthday or Christmas. I still get turkey joints in foil as they are done in much less time than a proper turkey, & so much cheaper. A few cheap crackers & silly gifts.. as @bluelogo92 has mentioned, it's the things you do together, the fun & love, that gets remembered.
The treasure hunt is a great idea from previous posters. Have lots of fun! x

That’s not how it works.

CMS are supposed to get Liability Orders every 6 months that they don’t pay. In reality, they don’t. Even when you’re ringing every week, asking them what they plan to do next, they do nothing. A different person every time doesn’t help.

If they job hop, HMRC take 12 weeks to notify CMS. CMS take a further 8 weeks to set up a deduction of earnings, by which point, they don’t work there any more.

After 2 years, Id got them to the stage of an actual criminal prosecution (bailiffs couldn’t get anything as he was sofa surfing, no driving licence to confiscate), and as soon as they notified him - he went on the dole.

Because they’re not allowed to criminally prosecute someone on benefits as they don’t have the means to pay - despite the fact that they did have the means to pay when they were running up the fucking debt.

It was at that point that I gave up. There’s no punishment for them.

Treasure hunt is a lovely idea, or you could do what my mother did when any of us went in long journeys alone; tiny presents to be opened every 30 minutes - something to make time passing feel exciting. We loved feeling so thought of when she wasn't there.

Why isn't your ex paying support?

how is the OP supposed to know the answer to that ? Maybe ask him his motivations rather than the OP?

That's both infuriating and depressing. I'm sorry you went through that. What a pos.