To feel let down by couples counsellor not spotting abuse?

[Namechange2225]

I have recently left my emotionally abusive husband, with amazing support from Women’s Aid.

One thing that really bothers me is that we went to couples counselling for about 6 months last year and many of STBXH were mentioned by me (silent treatment for weeks which only ended when I apologised enough, sulking, stonewalling, needing his way, never apologising, telling me I am not a good mum because of my PND years ago amongst other things…) but counsellor never suggested he was abusive.

In fact, STBXH spent a lot of the sessions talking about how I abused him, without specifics, except a couple of time I shouted at him after being ignored for days, which I fully accepted I shouldn’t have done. The counsellor would often talk about my behaviour which STBXH “thought was abusive” and a lot of time was spent on my “anger issues” and how I needed to change, which just made me feel more guilty about everything and afraid to raise any issue (as he would just say I was trying to argue and he didn’t want to argue with me).

I now know you shouldn’t do counselling with an abuser, but I didn’t realise then that I was in an abusive relationship.

I’ve also learnt a lot about emotional abuse now and feel like the signs were definitely there.

AIBU to feel let down?

It is the responsibility of any professional involved with any vulnerable client to look for possible abuse and take steps to safeguard that person.

This isn’t about getting abused women to leave though.

Its about dangerous practices in which the counselling becomes part of the abuse. No counsellor or organisation should be enabling that. But it regularly happens because counselling as an area of practice doesn’t take responsibility for the consequences of what it does with vulnerable people.

This isn’t about getting abused women to leave though.

Its about dangerous practices in which the counselling becomes part of the abuse. No counsellor or organisation should be enabling that. But it regularly happens because counselling as an area of practice doesn’t take responsibility for the consequences of what it does with vulnerable people.

This. In another life I did a counselling course. It was supposed to be good, came recommended etc. Across the board my peers paid lip service to all the right things but in reality took no responsibility for the harm they could do - even in one on one sessions. There are good therapists out there but there's no way for the average person to know how to find them. "First do no harm" should be applied to counselling. Ethics were barely even covered in my course, so even if people wanted to work ethically, they weren't taught how to. The idea is generally that if you want to help people and pay for a course, you automatically help people. It's f*cking ridiculous. (I never practiced as a result of this realisation).

We went to Relate and it was awful. When I plucked up the courage to mention my H being violent, I was desperate for someone to tell him how wrong it was, as he always downplayed it and made excuses. Her only suggestion was to get a punch bag

Also that "he was clearly frustrated and angry" but nothing about it being unacceptable to aim this at me. She was very misogynistic imo.

I had a similarly bad experience with exh and Relate. I hadn’t fully admitted to myself that he was abusive at the time.

He ended up convincing the counsellor that all our “rows” stemmed from the fact that I was so terrible at doing housework. And that it stressed him out so much. So we set down an agenda for us to share the housework and get it done etc. Then he refused to go to any more sessions as it was obviously all sorted 🙄 I knew something was really off in the session but couldn’t really put my finger on it.

Obviously what happened with the housework routine was that I did my part and he never did his. So it was a good way of me realising his reasoning was bullshit. But it also enabled him to say “oh the counsellor agreed with me”

He also somehow got her to question things like why I was so worried when he would sometimes just disappear, and I (quite reasonably I think) thought he’d gone missing or had an accident.

Really is a bad idea to go to relate with an abusive partner but I also question why they don’t seem to spot it.

My partner lied and charmed our relate counsellor when we went. There was absolutely no point in going. It also led to him physically assaulting me when we got home. I blamed myself as I knew there was a rule about not going when there was DV in the relationship. Since then, I went to see a different female counsellor on my own and tried to explain the issues in our relationship. After 3 sessions, she said it was obvious I still love him and to keep trying. Equally unhelpful to be honest. I don’t have the motivation to try again now. Agree that good counsellors are not that easy to find. Glad things are better for you now.

Thing is, in that situation you just get to the point where you want to share it with someone and a relationship counsellor seems the logical option. You just assume they are experienced enough to handle it. I did.

Surely couples don't tend to go to relate unless things are fairly serious - I've certainly never known anyone go for trivial things. That's why in my view all counsellors should be trained to recognise and signpost in cases of suspected dv. It's likely there to an extent in a good proportion of couples who seek the support.

Good points @whirlyswirly

100% whirly. It's astounding that they aren't.

God if I could send everyone in the country on an abuse awareness course!

But you would think, wouldn't you, that at the very minimum the following professions ought to be trained in spotting abuse:

Counsellors
Teachers
Social workers
Police
Family courts
GPs
Mediators
Midwives
Health Visitors
Emergency department staff

(I think some of them might be, which is good!)

I was incredibly lucky. We went to relate and the counsellor spotted that my XH was
abusive to me & told me. I wasn’t ready to hear it and I didn’t know what to do
about it but she planted a seed which lead to me leaving. She did give some practical advice too at the time but I was too
shell shocked to use it. Interestingly she isn’t just a relate counsellor and works with abusive men trying to get them to change their behaviour (she runs a group which sounds a bit like the one Lundy Bancroft describes in his book). I had some more counselling with her after we separated. I think she is wonderful and can’t thank her enough for what she has done for me. However I heard some other awful stories about relate in particular and definitely think that counsellor is a one off rather than their general standard.

She sounds in a completely different league @Addictedtocustardcreams , I'm so glad you had her!

It depends what we mean by "trained to spot abuse", doesn't it?

Many of those professions are given training that mentions abuse, but whether they're given in depth lengthy training in spotting the dynamic, how victims might be acting and why, exactly how abusers try to manipulate and groom anyone and everyone, etc etc is another matter!

David and Penelope are not our real names but thank you.

Thanks for flagging this @Catgotyourbrain - we'll take a look. We're always happy to explore suggestions for campaigns and if you want to receive updates on what we're doing then do sign up to our campaigns email list www.mumsnet.com/articles/stand-up-for-women.

"STBXH has said that the counsellor confirmed to him that everything was my fault. I never had the opportunity to ask the counsellor if she said that as it was after the sessions had finished"

Of course he said that. That means he won.

Is it really up to the counsellor to say he was abusive though i wonder
Like you knew things were up hence why you went to counseling.
And i am always confused what counts as abuse and what is bullying/dick head behaviour.

I am happy you left him but i do feel that pointing fingers isnt helping you. Au contraire!

I would contact the organisation who they belong to and make a formal complaint, and suggest they all do training on spotting abuse. It seems such a basic thing to look out for if you've got a married couple coming to see you.

As someone who does pro bono work for DV charity. I have heard mutterings of this re relate counsellors. Nothing said outright.

I'm slightly horrified to find that actually based on what I have read here. Those mutterings were true. I'm so sorry all of you who have experienced this.

To anyone who might be currently in a dv relationship please note, not all people will be like this, and don't go to counselling in joint with a abuser esp it would seem to relate counselling.

However counselling (with a decent counsellor) on your own, will do you the world of good to restore what has been taken. And you will get it back, I promise you.

I also had a terrible experience with a couple's counsellor while in an abusive marriage. She was 100% taken in by him and made the danger so much worse. Even knowing that he has physically attacked me, she still took his side because he was an artist. It was bizarre. I've since seen my ex work his way through numerous counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists, manipulating them for months to years (as he got more experienced and skilled at it) into helping him justify his behaviour. When they'd eventually start to see through him, he'd just move on to the next one. I witnessed it while we were still together and I was hopeful that treatment would help him and as we spilt up and I was increasingly aware of what was happening each time.

And, years after, I've also witnessed friends attend counselling after being a victim of abuse and actually become more and more wedded to their identity as an abuse victim and become increasingly unhappy. I've seen their strength and happiness decrease the longer they stay in therapy. And a few are continuing the cycle by choosing to train the field themselves. So I'm honestly very, very wary of the whole psychology industry now. I know there are excellent, well trained, professionals who really do help people and improve, even save, lives. But I think for every excellent professional there are at least 5 quacks who will ultimately make absolutely everything worse. I think counselling and mental health care is something that needs to be entered into with extreme care because it's so easy for it to compound and worsen your problems rather than help.

I have had a lot of support from Women’s Aid and counselling on my own now and after lots of doubt and soul searching have realised that he was abusive though.

I don’t think that recognising that is “finger pointing” in a bad way. I have also looked at my own behaviour a lot and what I can do better.

When I went to couples counselling I didn’t know it was abuse and it seems that happens to lots of people. I do think there needs to be better training for counsellors so that the abuse isn’t made worse at the very least for victims in the future. I know it can be hard to tell the difference between arsehole behaviour and abuse but that doesn’t mean more can’t be done.

Thanks for what you do, @pitchforksandflamethrowers .

Thank you for sharing this. I found your posts when trying to find out on the Internet the same/similar experiences that I went through and now, homeless due to this, I regaing the courage to fight for myself in the court. The counsellor did the bad job by not wanting to speak to me.