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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the friend I lent money too shouldn’t be angry at me

94 replies

Nomoremonies · 31/08/2022 09:00

A few months ago a friend I know was struggling financially asked to borrow money. I have lent her money previously and she’s always paid it back. I lent her money and she assured me I would get it back two weeks later.

Within those two weeks she asked to borrow a bit more which I was happy to do, I’m a single mum and I know what it’s like. I know you should never lend money if you’re not happy to never get it back.

When she was due to pay me back she told me she never got paid correctly from her benefits, she then kept changing the dates she would be able to pay me back. The last time I asked for the money back she ignored my texts, when I called her she told me she was really struggling with her mental health so I felt I couldn’t push. Again she told me a date she would pay, I asked her for it repeatedly I was ignored

She then told me she could pay me SOME cash and will drop it off the weekend. I said that would be fine. I text her to ask what time no reply, I called no answer. The next morning I sent a series of texts just saying I don’t know why you’re ignoring me, then I sent a final text saying I’ve always helped her I would like the full amount back because I’ve been understanding and I’ve been ignored.

She then replied back swearing saying I’m annoying her, a long message with her dramas in life, she said she has to sort her kids out first, she doesn’t enjoy owing me money but I’ve got no understanding. She owes me £100, I know that’s a lot of money to magic up. I never replied because I just thought I would rather it cost me £100 to see how horrible she is. Do I just let it go? She’s now given me a date in about 3 weeks when she will be able to pay

OP posts:

Liveinthewoods80 · 31/08/2022 10:53

This is not always the case but by and large, people who ask to borrow substantial sums of money are not in a position to pay it back. Why can't they get a bank loan or overdraft? Because the bank has refused. If the bank doesn't think they can repay it, why would the borrower be more inclined to repay a "friend"?

I lent several hundred pounds to someone close once for a large purchase and they did not repay it when they said they would, on their next payday. When I asked about it they said they had no money after buying their child lots of birthday presents. OK, fair enough. I waited a few more months but they were annoyed with me when I asked for the cash again. I did get the money back in the end, but never again.

MsRosley · 31/08/2022 11:03

never lend money to someone if I genuinely value the relationship

Personally, if someone was enough of a cheeky fucker not to pay back a loan or to dick me around about it, I'd want to know that asap so I could stop genuinely valuing that shitty relationship.

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 11:07

YANBU it’s been 3 months.
She could have paid you back £5 a week even.

She was very rude to ignore your texts and should have been the one to reach out and apologise and ask if she can set up a repayment plan or something instead.

I’d be very annoyed that she’s trying to play the victim now.

Honestly I wouldn’t bother being nice to her until she’s paid all of the money back.
It sounds like she needs you more than you need her so she’d be a fool to not pay you back.

MsRosley · 31/08/2022 11:07

Nomoremonies · 31/08/2022 10:15

Maybe I was a bit too on her case, I hate being ignored and I felt like I had been taken for an idiot. She said she never replied to me all those times because she didn’t have the money to give. I wasn’t rude I just messaged to say hi, or hey can you send that money.

I feel bad that she feels harassed and I guess I didn’t think about how she was feeling but it’s been 3 months

Look, OP, she broke the agreed deadline for repayment. A reasonable person would let you know ahead of time that they couldn't manage what they had previously committed to, and let you know when they could repay you. They wouldn't dangle you around and force you to chase them up.

You have done nothing wrong at all.

mamabear715 · 31/08/2022 11:07

No good deed ever goes unpunished, sigh..

Pollydon · 31/08/2022 11:08

I learned my lesson 30 odd years ago. I'd lent my cousin 3 months of mortgage payments out of my summer working savings. He had just started a new job with good pay ( legal sector) and had just had a baby. We agreed to defer payments for 1 year .
A year later I had just fled an abusive relationship and needed the money back to support myself as I had to leave my job too.
He stone walled me for months, until I finally got my father involved.
I vowed then to never lend money, if a good friend is in real need I will gift as much as I can afford.

LobeliaBaggins · 31/08/2022 11:08

I have lent money to a friend and it destroyed our relationship. She took years to pay it back and in the meantime, she put pictures of her luxurious holiday on FB. She claimed she was in dire need and I believed her. Never again.

People become very resentful when you lend them money.

BeesKnee · 31/08/2022 11:10

Your situation is eerily similar to one I was in last year.

It took my nearly a year of £5 here and £10 there to get the money back and the friendship is ruined.

Had my friend just been honest and said I can’t afford to give you all back in one go, the situation would’ve been fine, but she lied, made excuses and ignored me for months.
The friendship is well and truly over and now think twice about lending money to friends.

My advice would be to say to her that she doesn’t have to pay you back in one go, ask her to set up a standing order to pay you a chunk of it the day she gets paid, that way you are guaranteed to get something.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 31/08/2022 11:16

Never lend money you can’t afford to lose. True though life isn't always that simple or black and white.

It's hard to see a friend struggling and as she has been reliable in the past I can see how this would happen.

I have lent money when someone is in need or given money, I'm not a single parent but a low income family, it's the we're all in same boat mentality.

Anyway OP let her rant and lash out all she wants, I wouldn't let this money go.

Losing the let down friend is not worth losing £100.

Insist it is repaid.

I'd bring her to the small claims court if necessary.

I'm sorry your kindness has been taken for granted.

Sally872 · 31/08/2022 11:18

She has handled the situation very badly. However if otherwise a good friend and nice person i would put it down to worry or embarrasment and be able to move past it continuing the friendship.

I would collect the money in small regular payments, maybe £10 per week and not lend her money again.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/08/2022 11:29

I think my plan is to be nice, get the money back and then drop her

I get the rationale but there's a lot of pain to be had along that route if, as it seems, she could repay you but just doesn't want to

How she's behaving is a well worn path, but while it's horrible to lose £100, in the end you'll probably have to suck it up and just be glad it wasn't even more - though looking on the bright side I doubt you'll ever get stung like this again

Goosygandy · 31/08/2022 11:31

Nomoremonies · 31/08/2022 09:29

I’m not desperate for the money, right now I’m lucky to have a good job. I’ve got savings, I’ve got some disposable income. That’s why my guilt kind of kicks in when asking her for the money, having been in that position before I’m very weary of wasting money.

I’m more disappointed that I thought she was a friend, I would never treat a friend like this

Don't feel guilty. I've got a friend on a very low budget. I'm always trying to pay for her because I can afford it and because she's a lovely, kind friend. But she would never behave like your friend and always tries to reciprocate.

There is literally no excuse for her to be nasty. And she should definitely pay you back before going out for meals out. But she clearly has different values to you and knows that guilting you by pleading poverty is an effective tactic. Don't be fooled.

Meraas · 31/08/2022 11:35

Turn up at her door. That’s what it took for me to get my money back.

You have NOT been hassling her. You are perfectly entitled to ask for your money back.

Novum · 31/08/2022 11:35

Nekomata · 31/08/2022 09:07

She's clearly broke and struggling, so to keep hassling her for the hundred pounds is probably just piling on the pressure. If she doesn't have it, she doesn't have it.

Just organise a repayment plan with her, so she transfers you 10 pounds or 5 pounds or something every time she gets her benefits through.

It's not really for OP to initiate that, though, is it? If the friend needs to ask for a repayment plan, then it's for her to work out what is the most she can afford (bearing in mind how long OP has been waiting already) and ask OP if it's OK if she can pay that. If she has any sense, she'll accompany the offer with the first payment.

JudgeJ · 31/08/2022 11:39

Goosygandy · 31/08/2022 09:06

You might not get it back but if you do never lend her money again. She's one of those that seems to think you're the one being unreasonable and she's doing you a favour by even thinking about paying you back. Massive sense of entitlement.

Also make sure that your circle of friends know what a con artist she is in case she tries to scam money from them too. She doesn't deserve your consideration, her so-called MH problems is a convenient excuse, the modern way of trying to shut down the conversation by making you the bad guy.

fruitbrewhaha · 31/08/2022 11:40

She's a bellend.

You haven't been wrong to message her, she has missed the dates she promised to pay you back.

I would reply with "hey, I can see you're upset, I've a lot of outgoings, some unexpected so I really need it asap. Can you send me £20 now and the rest in 3 weeks?"

If she's shifty about it ask her to borrow £100 from someone else to pay you back.

When you get it back tell her she's been outrageous.

bewilderedhedgehog · 31/08/2022 11:42

In many cases (not all) people who borrow from friends tend not to be good at managing their money, so although in theory they want to pay you back, it sadly often doesn't happen. I would lend to specific people in particular situations (e.g. unexpected illness etc), but only if I could afford to lose the money. OP I think you have sadly lost the money in this case. Your friend thinks her needs trump yours......

SpiderinaWingMirror · 31/08/2022 11:46

I would lay low. See if she offers it/some in the next 3 weeks. Then I would bin her off.

BaileySharp · 31/08/2022 11:49

She probably is feeling embarrassed which is why she's lashing out but you haven't done anything wrong. She's trying to ignore ore the problem instead of saying something like "I can't afford to now but I'm expecting to get some money on x so I can pay you then". And yes even if she was gifted some money it does look bad if she's splashing out on nights out whilse still owing you

Hopeandlove · 31/08/2022 11:52

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 31/08/2022 09:58

Call her out on fb. She has ruined the friendship so nowt to lose..
Ask her publically when she can pay you back. Point out she had money to eat out etc.
I hate Cfers who sponge.

Not yet.
text her and saying you lent her money 3 months ago and that she promised to pay it on x day and then x day etc and she didn’t and that is massively unfair as it is your money.
say that you have said now another day 3 weeks away and that’s just too long that you want it back within a week or you will go to the small claims court.
friendship over

neverbeenskiing · 31/08/2022 11:58

I think my plan is to be nice, get the money back and then drop her

I don't think you're going to see your £100 again, OP, however nice you are to her.

Mossygreenchypre · 31/08/2022 12:00

Nomoremonies · 31/08/2022 09:29

I’m more disappointed that I thought she was a friend, I would never treat a friend like this

You're a decent person and don't deserve to be at the end of abusive tx messages. Your so called friend should have been honest with you as soon as she realised she was going to have trouble paying you back on time.

I've been there myself and actually let the money go because I wanted the person out of my life. At the time I was brassic with no savings, but I've never regretted my decision.
Since then I've both lent and borrowed, to and from different friends without issue.

Trinidading3 · 31/08/2022 12:01

Your friend is probably now trying to cause an argument so that she doesn't have to pay you back the money.You gave it in good faith she should have paid you back on time. Make sure you arrange some form of payment even if it's £5 a week as long as you start getting you money back, it's better in small amount than zero amounts.....honestly there are few people in life you can trust with borrowing money to.....

butterflied · 31/08/2022 12:02

rookiemere · 31/08/2022 09:44

£100 is a £100. The friendship is over anyway as she has used you. Don't feel guilty about trying to get your own money back.

This. She'll be hoping you give it up. I wouldn't.

Don't lend people money again. It rarely ends well.

DaphneMoonsSeattle · 31/08/2022 12:04

Tell her you're struggling and ask to borrow £100 from her. When she tells you she can't do that let her know you can negotiate. Say, £20 a week for five weeks?

I wouldn't accept £5 a week, that's 20 weeks! Five months to wait for your money back. That's beyond Christmas (if you were looking to use it for Christmas shopping)

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