Advice on daughter and situation with DH

[whattododoo]

I will start by saying DH is very hands on and we share childcare 50/50 so he is with our DD (aged 8) just as much as me perhaps slightly more if I'm with the younger child. Not sure if this is two separate problems or one has created the other.

• DD has been very challenging the past while, attitude, answering back, telling lies, attention seeking. One big area is to do with school work she hates writing and when asked to do homework it is always a major tantrum and tears. She is generally very emotional, always has been and I think very low self esteem. She will have meltdowns after school or her hobbies because someone did not want to sit beside her (she takes everything personally), if someone says something nice she says they are being sarcastic. How do I help her negative mindset?

• Next my DH seems to be triggered with DD non stop moaning and negativity. He is quick to tell her to stop or even shout at her or send her to her room for how she is behaving and then I have to intervene. No matter how many times I tell him to stop reacting to everything she does he can't help it and constantly snipes at her. Further to this he has high standards for her in terms of education but to the point where she completed work all over the summer which included many tears and tantrums, however when he does the work with her he belittles her or gets annoyed if she doesn't know something, he will act like she's dumb. This is because she is sitting at average in school and he says she is lazy.

I am worried that she will not improve if he continues to act this way towards but he will not stop. I have tried to keep them at a distance from each other but this is hard because he does so much with her on a day to day basis and although she has loads of nice qualities she is really tough work and so we both need a break at times.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

In a Grammar area tutoring is common at 8!

I mean, it’s the schools job to put her in the recovery group if they feel it’s needed.

To PP - and how many areas in the country have Grammars? Hardly any. And how many people in those areas would be able to afford tutors from 8 years old? Please.

This is sounding more and more ASD and ADHD, which is what immediately jumped out at me. I wasn't diagnosed until last year (aged 31) but your DD sounds just like me as a kid. Sadly, your DH also sounds just like my arsehole mother - I'm still trying to unpack that trauma.

I was called lazy, over-dramatic, uptight, bossy, rude, etc my entire childhood.

And the thing about saying someone nipped her - many, many ND people (me included) have a really low pain tolerance and gentle touch like tickles is wayyyy too much sensory input. It feels like my skin is on fire when someone lightly tickles me.

She's 8, he needs to give her a break. My dd was lower than average at that age, we too had tears and tantrums over school work. What worked best was to leave it up to her, make her responsible for her homework etc. We didn't do any extra other than things she enjoyed, we backed right off. She's now in her final year at secondary school and flagged for A grades.

If he doesn't back off he will cause her to hate school work, it will affect her mental health etc. Can you ask for a meeting with school and tip off the teacher, ask the teacher for advice on her and let her have the conversation with him

He is emotionally abusing her. sorry.
would you want her to put up with this behaviour from a partner?

it is very telling that she is fine in school. She isn’t being emotionally abused there. The coming up and downstairs at night is anxiety.

if your husband isn’t self reflective enough to understand the damage he is doing to his daughter then I don’t know how you progress from here. She’s 8. She’ll forgive him for now. She won’t when she’s older.

Again I appreciate all the comments and I will protect my daughter 100%. I have cried a lot reading the comments because they are true.

Oh my word. "But we took you to stately homes!"

Seriously OP don't get defensive and put the walls up. The fact you pay for her hobbies and buy her ice cream does not have any bearing on the fact your husband's behaviour towards her is incredibly damaging.

Kids don't care about stuff and activities, not really. They care about their mum and dad and being loved.

whattodo

More than you would think - there are 163 Grammar and have 5% of pupils so roughly 1 in 20. Given the number that go for it more people tutor than you would think

If you're planning on staying with this man, you need to insist he does some parenting classes or something.

Who wouldn't be emotional when their dad regularly snaps at them and acts like they're stupid? Who wouldn't struggle when they're scared of getting things wrong because dad will behave like a nasty shite?

He needs to remodel the way he's interacting her and he needs to understand that making mistakes is part of learning, and not something to be punished or criticised. Article here: making mistakes and failing are actually very positive things. (Man's an absolute turd).

Ask him to do some learning himself about how to help children learn, get him to parenting classes.

I honestly can't imagine having to plan to do basic stuff like this when my DH is out just to stop him bullying our child, it's seriously fucked up OP.

He gets pissed at an 8 year old that is unable to control her emotions, yet he's a grown-arse man and seems incapable too. I couldn't have any respect for a man like this, I really couldn't - big hard man making a little girl cry

She'll be taking in some really fucked up messages from this - as long as your abuser gives you a little hug afterwards the abuse doesn't count...nope!

I'm sorry op, you sound really desperate in your posts to put this right for your DD, but you can't - you can't make this ok because you have no control over how he is. This isn't your problem, or your DDs to solve - this is his, if he doesn't see an issue it'll never stop.

Yeah, you’d need to step up as a parent a lot more than simply filming the next time the man abuses your kid. Educate yourself on how being emotionally abused as a kid impacts people for life, fully read all about what it does to developing brains and bodies.

OP I am sure you have got the message now.
DC hear negatives ,we all remember this from our own childhoods.A negative comment from a beloved parent needs at least ten positive comments in order for it not to have an overall negative effect on self worth.
Your DH is damaging his child .His attitude is sadly pretty prevalent if mn threads are anything to go by.

My DD(14) has always struggled with literacy, and has just been diagnosed as dyslexic. Her reading is poor, her spelling atrocious and her handwriting mostly illegible. She hated English and reading, and was totally demotivated. We had problems throughout primary due to teachers leaving and supply staff etc so although I kept expressing my concerns, nothing happened until she went to secondary.

At secondary she's had an amazing English teacher who transformed her attitude to the subject! At parents evening he told me she was great at creative writing and expression, and I should big her up rather than continually make comments like those in my previous paragraph. I was mortified - I have always tried to be supportive but I did focus on her 'problems' exclusively and never praised her for anything else. She is now top set (even with her terrible spelling and handwriting ) and on track for a reasonable grade at GCSE, and really quite enjoys her English lessons. She still hates reading, and struggles to hear stories in her head, but the teacher has given her the confidence that she is good, and clever, and it made such a difference!

Please don't let your DH demotivate your poor DD - positive encouragement makes so much difference!

You are allowing your husband to bully your child and this damaging her self-esteem and affecting her behaviour. That is the reality of it...

If he cannot change his behaviour, and it does not sound like he wants to, you need to put the welfare of your child first and leave him.

What he is doing is not acceptable and will have a long-lasting effect on your daughter.

I find it unbelievable that a grown man would take pleasure in constantly criticising a little girl and making her feel like she is lazy and dumb. Why you are letting this happen is also a mystery to me...

Big red flag because it shows he doesn't give a shit about working on his own shitty attitude towards his young child.

You said you need to change the way he speaks to her. I mean this kindly, but if he hasn't taken any steps to change his own behaviour after you've repeatedly told him how terrible his behaviour is and he's done fuck all about it, then I'd not be giving him anymore chances to destroy her self esteem further. He could have read some self help books or listened to podcasts but he hasn't.

This stuff stays with you until adulthood and I'm 42 now and even now, if I make a mistake it can't read instructions properly I have his voice calling me stupid and lazy and it makes me not what to try because trying and getting it wrong, or trying and not being good enough made me feel like a worthless piece of shit and my dad didn't live with me because thank fuck my mum saw sense and left him when I was 3 and I only saw him every few weeks.

That was more than enough to fuck with my head and fill me with crippling self doubt and I don't mean this in a nasty way but it could damage your relationship with her too because even though you stand up for her, she's seeing you put up with it from him, she sees nothing changes and she will already know that his apologies are empty because it keeps happening, he does what other abusive men do and pretends to be sorry to get everyone off his back until next time she's not good enough for him and he tears her down.

A dad should be building his daughter up, not tearing her down and he's had enough second chances. I don't say this lightly but id be seriously thinking of ltb.

She has always been very emotional, overly dramatic (if someone tickled her she will say they nipped her for example). @whattododoo I would have said the same about my DD, turned out she has sensory processing issues. Not everyone feels things the same way, for DD someone touching her ear slightly really hurts, your daughter could really be feeling what she's saying she feels. DD is Autistic too, but sensory processing issues can occur in people who aren't Autistic too.

I'll be completely honest here: the tantrums and over-reactions and tears at every tiny thing, from an eight-year-old, would drive me absolutely potty. If she really is that dramatic about everything, I can understand why your DH finds her infuriating and wants to crack down on the OTT, over-emotional behaviour. However, while I can see why she might need firm parenting at times, it feels like this has tipped over into bullying her. Calling her lazy and sneering at her for getting things wrong is horrible, as is making her do work over the holidays when she's actually performing OK at school - you say she's around average academically, so there's nothing to be concerned about there. In fact, if she really hates writing and finds it all a massive chore, then I'd say she's doing pretty well to be sitting at the average level, actually. No wonder the poor kid has low self-esteem if she's constantly being told she's not good enough. And no wonder she's put off doing her homework if she's made to feel stupid every time she does do it.

Finally - and I am usually very much not the kind of Mumsnetter who attributes every single behavioural habit or quirk to some kind of condition or other, so this question is very unusual for me - is it possible that your DD might have ADHD? The reluctance to sit down and concentrate on school work, the low self-esteem after being told she is lazy, the tantrums etc all sound a lot like two boys I know who were diagnosed with ADHD after a few very difficult years of constant conflict and difficulty over behaviour.

Could your daughter have mild dyslexia? She sounds similar to my oldest. We struggled for years with homework. He was fine with maths and science, but any writing and he would shut down or get angry. It was really frustrating and I found it hard not to shout at him (not excusing your husband's rather extreme behaviour at all). Turned out he has spelling dyslexia. His reading level is normal and otherwise he's very smart so it wasn't picked up by the school. His spelling, handwriting and processing speed for writing were all miles behind. Once we knew what the problem was and implemented a few adjustments things improved so much. Now he's a teenager and still doesn't like doing homework, but he gets on with it without any fuss

The child is suffering trauma, ffs, educate yourselves on how trauma impacts a kids behaviour and brains before wittering shite.

I too think dyslexia should be ruled out.

I would and have found it frustrating to teach a dyslexic child. It wasn’t until I realised she was dyslexic that my mind seemed to flip and I approached her in a completely different way - and I felt far less frustrating.

Your DH isn’t handling things well but he may need help reframing his interactions with your DD - before they lose each other.

Far less frustrated, that should read.

So he flies off the handle repeatedly saying horrible things yet he as a grown man "can't help it"

But when your 8 yo DD gets upset that's unacceptable and warrants punishment?

Ironically, he will be damaging her love of learning.

Why is she having to do homework she hates doing in the summer holidays?? You haven't explained. My DC are behind in literacy and writing but they still deserve a proper break. They've done a bit of reading and their own drawing, writing, maths have naturally happened when they've labelled pictures, worked out what change we should get or how many sweets they can afford etc.

Look I get how frustrating it can be when your child doesn't seem to "get" something, I certainly felt that during lockdown, but to shout and call them lazy etc week in week out is going to be so detrimental.

@Tootsweets84 can I pm you please? Interested to know what helped as sounds a LOT like one of my DC.

Were his parents like this? Have you ever asked him how his parents reacted if they thought he failed at something. She must feel despised poor thing.