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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice on daughter and situation with DH

128 replies

whattododoo · 30/08/2022 19:23

I will start by saying DH is very hands on and we share childcare 50/50 so he is with our DD (aged 8) just as much as me perhaps slightly more if I'm with the younger child. Not sure if this is two separate problems or one has created the other.

DD has been very challenging the past while, attitude, answering back, telling lies, attention seeking. One big area is to do with school work she hates writing and when asked to do homework it is always a major tantrum and tears. She is generally very emotional, always has been and I think very low self esteem. She will have meltdowns after school or her hobbies because someone did not want to sit beside her (she takes everything personally), if someone says something nice she says they are being sarcastic. How do I help her negative mindset?

Next my DH seems to be triggered with DD non stop moaning and negativity. He is quick to tell her to stop or even shout at her or send her to her room for how she is behaving and then I have to intervene. No matter how many times I tell him to stop reacting to everything she does he can't help it and constantly snipes at her. Further to this he has high standards for her in terms of education but to the point where she completed work all over the summer which included many tears and tantrums, however when he does the work with her he belittles her or gets annoyed if she doesn't know something, he will act like she's dumb. This is because she is sitting at average in school and he says she is lazy.

I am worried that she will not improve if he continues to act this way towards but he will not stop. I have tried to keep them at a distance from each other but this is hard because he does so much with her on a day to day basis and although she has loads of nice qualities she is really tough work and so we both need a break at times.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

StepAwayFromGoogling · 30/08/2022 20:11

Hopeandlove · 30/08/2022 19:27

You need to break it down and have a common reward system and sanction system.

three rules for example.

my son is 8 and it will take him sometimes 4 hours to do one sodding page in the cgp book that usually takes him less than 10 minutes. It drives me insane. He has a reward chart 10 stars magazine etc 50 big present eg a new football. He can and does lose stars for rudeness. Happy to share our rules if it helps - it is working. My son is autistic and can’t read facial
expressions etc

Please share! I have a possibly autistic DD who is 7 (flagged by a teacher at school, yet to be diagnosed) and she us also very challenging but nothing works!

stealthninjamum · 30/08/2022 20:13

She sounds like one of my daughters who has adhd / asd. They’re often passed on by parents so if the dad can’t regulate his emotions he could be on the spectrum too - not that that’s an excuse for bullying a child.

cochineal7 · 30/08/2022 20:15

Why put so much pressure on an 8 year old in the first place? She went through Covid which represents to her at least half of her primary school to date, and about a quarter of her life. Most kids will be average as that is exactly how average is defined - so why put pressure on her to be at the top? Not everyone can be. She needs to be the best her, not the best of the class. It is summer holiday and you are not even giving her a break. No wonder she has low self esteem as that is the subliminal message she is getting constantly - and then verbally on top. Does she really need a tutor at that age? I have an 8 year old and they are knackered after a school day. I cannot imagine putting all that extra pressure on top.

OrlaCarmichael · 30/08/2022 20:17

Namechangetime89 · 30/08/2022 19:30

First comment nailed it

I agree with this

iklboo · 30/08/2022 20:17

I take it your DH is a walking Encyclopaedia Britannica / Wikipedia is he, knows everything? Your poor girl. He's an abusive twat and she deserves better. You all do.

SunnyD44 · 30/08/2022 20:18

If anyone belittled my child I would 100% end the relationship.
I wouldn’t care if he’s perfect in every way.

It is possible she has some form of SEND which is why she’s so sensitive but she could just be average.

As a teacher I’m telling you that DH is the one that is going to bring her scores down.

You should be encouraging her to try her best and congratulating her when she’s got something correct, not shaming her for getting something wrong.

If she feels too pressured to get an answer correct her brain is going to freeze up which will make her more frustrated and will end up with her mind going blank.

It’s like trying to answer questions off The Chase with the countdown timer, or even talking to someone you fancy - if you feel pressure you do much worse.

SunnyD44 · 30/08/2022 20:20

Blimey. I mean...just from the perspective of a parent of an 8 year old OP which i am. I literally cannot imagine making my 8 year old do acadenic work in a holiday and if i did do some I would make every effort to keep it light and enjoyable

Your husband sounds like a bully who is slowly destroying her confidence.

Its normal for 8 year olds to be emotional and ratty after school. Give her more downtime and make sure she feels loved and appreciated for who she is.

Stop piling pressuere on her and definitely stop the negative approach to learning. She would learn more just curled up with you or him and a good book

I completely agree.

OrlaCarmichael · 30/08/2022 20:21

Out of interest OP, did this only begin after your DD started school? Just wondered as you said she hates writing, and don’t mention any issues from a younger age - when they usually appear

converseandjeans · 30/08/2022 20:22

We're both teachers and have never made either do any homework over school holidays. Eldest is academically able and youngest is average academically (but has much better emotional intelligence & can communicate verbally much better).

He needs to find something she enjoys and they do that together rather than school work.

I'm interested to know whether he is top academically? Is he trying to make her the same as him? Or is he also average?

ChristmasSirens · 30/08/2022 20:43

This is so sad @whattododoo. I never say this… but please rescue your daughter from this man who is destroying her confidence.

Is the younger DC a son, by any chance?

CaitoftheCantii · 30/08/2022 20:48

Your poor DD - what sort of life is this for her? Ditch the homework in the holidays to start with, she’s only 8. Where is the fun in her life?

My dad was like your husband - I was called ‘over sensitive’ and an underachiever.

I have never recovered. Let’s hope things can change so that your DD can recover

Notsureaboutusername · 30/08/2022 20:48

Is your daughter dyslexic??? Not as common in girls but still possible. My son behaved like this he was diagnosed privately when he was 9.

LovePoppy · 30/08/2022 20:48

Your poor daughter is being emotionally abused by her father.

My heart is broken for her.

Cakeandcardio · 30/08/2022 20:49

I am a teacher. I get the very best out of my students by praising them, telling them they will get there, encouraging them to keep trying and saying their hard work will pay off. After a while, I notice a change in their attitude and they really start to believe in themselves. And then they get the good results. Every time! Belittling a child is so damaging. Even if your DD is never a high flyer, it really doesn't matter as long as she is happy and loved. She is also probably jealous of the new baby.

silverbubbles · 30/08/2022 20:50

He needs to take a big step back and leave her alone. My father was a nasty bully when it came to school work. This sort of treatment will drive her away and drive her underground.

You need to step in and stop him having anything to do with 'educating' her.

The cuddle and make up after he has bullied her is an evil cycle.

HuggyBears · 30/08/2022 20:52

I wonder whether your husband is under some stress, maybe at work or perhaps completely bored with his lot in life. Lets face it. With pressures of everyday life people can easily become irritable and a downright pain to live with. His frustrations sound as if they are flowing over to your daughter. Added to that is another child and the pressure that must have on him. On saying that your daughter needs more love and definitely positive feed back constantly. Not negative.

LizzieSiddal · 30/08/2022 20:58

Your poor DD, please listen to the advice you’ve had here, your dh is being abusive towards your dd. He MUST stop it!
If he doesn’t you must put your dd first and separate from your H.

PhillyJoe · 30/08/2022 21:10

HuggyBears · 30/08/2022 20:52

Even if that were the case he needs to sort his shit out. He’s an adult and she’s a child.

Felicity42 · 30/08/2022 21:11

How dare he call her lazy.
OP, if you told us he called you lazy and that you weren't trying hard enough to do the housework, we'd be telling you that's emotionally abusive and to call women's aid.
Why is ok to belittle a child like that?
People seem to think it's ok to speak like that to kids. If her teacher called her lazy you'd report her for bullying your child.

But he's doing just that behind closed doors.

Phineyj · 30/08/2022 21:13

I also have a DD who is diagnosed with ADHD and ASD and is like this over homework. She's 9.

For several years now, we've done minimal homework and I meet with her class teacher near the start of every year to discuss how to get the best out of what she is able to do.

I am a teacher. There is no credible evidence at all that homework benefits primary age children.

There is loads of evidence that critical parental attitudes are harmful, though!

Anyway, that's by the by. Your DH should stop supervising homework entirely (he's hindering) and probably get some therapy.

If she's getting a lot of holiday homework I'm guessing she's at a prep? When term starts, see whether she can join homework club if there is one. DD gets on a lot better doing "homework" at school.

LadyLapsang · 30/08/2022 21:22

The thing that struck me in your opening post is that you say your husband can’t help his behaviour, he can - he is the adult in this situation and needs some help to parent effectively. In the mean time I would stop him supervising prep etc. His parenting will lead to low self esteem, poor academic results and your daughter being unhappy and not realising her full potential. I recommend Kahlil Gibran’s poem, On Children and Dorothy Law Nolte’s Children Learn What They Live.

Original poster

whattododoo · 30/08/2022 21:24

I am listening to all the advise her and I will read the thread over again to make note. DH is very academic so I think he struggles with the fact that DD is not as interested as he was. She is like me an all rounder and has many other interests and aspirations that she is very good at. Homework is our biggest problem and if there was no homework we would not have 80% of the battles that we have. She will ask if there is any writing for example making her own sentences and if so she will flip, she loves reading and maths.

There is no issues with her behaviour in school and she seems to do well socially also (apart from taking things personally hit she holds that on and vents to me when she sees me). She talks non stop though at home and struggles to go to sleep. She will come up and down the stairs multiple times even though me or DH read to her every single night as part of our routine and have a chat about her day before leaving her to read. Once asleep she sleeps right through. She has plenty of down time.

OP posts:

Original poster

whattododoo · 30/08/2022 21:26

Not her meant just me

OP posts:

YellowPlumbob · 30/08/2022 21:27

She likely does have very low self esteem and the reason for this is your DH. I have 3 DDs of my own, 14/11/6, and cannot wrap my head around the way he speaks to/treats her.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 30/08/2022 21:27

DH is very academic so I think he struggles with the fact that DD is not as interested as he was

oh my god she’s six!

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