Advice on daughter and situation with DH

[whattododoo]

I will start by saying DH is very hands on and we share childcare 50/50 so he is with our DD (aged 8) just as much as me perhaps slightly more if I'm with the younger child. Not sure if this is two separate problems or one has created the other.

• DD has been very challenging the past while, attitude, answering back, telling lies, attention seeking. One big area is to do with school work she hates writing and when asked to do homework it is always a major tantrum and tears. She is generally very emotional, always has been and I think very low self esteem. She will have meltdowns after school or her hobbies because someone did not want to sit beside her (she takes everything personally), if someone says something nice she says they are being sarcastic. How do I help her negative mindset?

• Next my DH seems to be triggered with DD non stop moaning and negativity. He is quick to tell her to stop or even shout at her or send her to her room for how she is behaving and then I have to intervene. No matter how many times I tell him to stop reacting to everything she does he can't help it and constantly snipes at her. Further to this he has high standards for her in terms of education but to the point where she completed work all over the summer which included many tears and tantrums, however when he does the work with her he belittles her or gets annoyed if she doesn't know something, he will act like she's dumb. This is because she is sitting at average in school and he says she is lazy.

I am worried that she will not improve if he continues to act this way towards but he will not stop. I have tried to keep them at a distance from each other but this is hard because he does so much with her on a day to day basis and although she has loads of nice qualities she is really tough work and so we both need a break at times.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

She's always been average but I feel school closing for so long over Covid really impacted her motivation. DH got her a tutor who she's been seeing every week for the past year so that he can back off a bit and out space in.

Has your daughter ever been assessed for ADHD or ADD? This can present in girls as highly emotional and "lazy" when its actually executive function development delay

She's never been assessed and no teachers have mentioned anything to us.

The child is being abused. What’s wrong with you, did you even read the ops posts?

op, you need to protect your child. She’s being abused. And you can do one with your “she’s not smart” idiotic comment. At 6 you don’t know that. The child is being bullied so is panicking and can’t do it.

Further to this he has high standards for her in terms of education but to the point where she completed work all over the summer which included many tears and tantrums, however when he does the work with her he belittles her or gets annoyed if she doesn't know something, he will act like she's dumb. This is because she is sitting at average in school and he says she is lazy

What a scummy way to treat a little girl. He should be ashamed of himself. Arsehole

Is your youngest a boy by any chance?

I can't believe you both made your 8YO do homework over the summer and are getting her a tutor. Does she get any time to just unwind and be a child? If she has lots of after school activities and is always doing homework, no wonder she is always emotional. She's probably exhausted and over stimulated.

"she's not smart"?

This is such a weird attitude. There is no one way to be "smart". Some kids are academic, some are sporty, some are creative. Everyone has something they love and excel at. Obviously your husband has some dick-measuring and highly narrow definition of what "smart" is which your daughter isn't meeting ( either because that really isn't her thing or because she's paralysed with anxiety on account of his bullying) but you don't need to buy into that and you shouldn't. If you're the "nice one" and even you will say something utterly 2D and negative like that, what chance has the poor kid got to develop good self esteem??

Good luck Op.

You have a DH problem who is ruining your little girls self esteem. You saying how he makes her feel rubbish then goes to her to make her better what was my abusive ex did. She's going to be a very messed up little girl and woman.

The fact he's giving her a cuddle after making her feel like shit about herself will further reinforce the idea that she's the problem. I'm so sorry OP, I don't want to pile on but your DH sounds like an absolute shit.

I thought she sounded exactly like me at that age and I have ADHD. No teachers ever picked up on it for me either. It's underdiagnosed in girls. Also the low self esteem could come from Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria which is often comorbid with ADHD.

Not everyone has something they excel at

It's a bit silly to pretend all children are smart at something

Some aren't

And that's also ok

I never made my daughter do the puerile, BS homeworks that are set by primary schools. And if I did it was the. bare. minimum. They were meaningless oppressive garbage. My DD doing very well at secondary - no homework issues and very obedient in class and at home. I don't believe in primary school homework - children need real down time and many of the tasks were menaingless throwaway posters or just box -ticking for the teacher, nothing of real value at all. 20 maths questions yes. Constant poster-making or pressuring her to bake or other nonsense which requires extra effort from me with no good reason other than it being patronising government interference. No.

This child is being abused. Please read the ops posts; her father is abusing her.

Why are some posters focussing on the child? This is a parent displaying serious emotionally abusive behaviour towards a little girl. She is not the issue. The father's uncontrolled bullying behaviour is the problem.

@PonyTime

*Not everyone has something they excel at

It's a bit silly to pretend all children are smart at something

Some aren't

And that's also ok*

Excel was the wrong word, you're right. What I mean is that no child is just some sort of dullard - there's always something that they will be enthusiastic about, some passion or other where they can shine - not in the sense of being better at it than everyone else necessarily, but where they are happy to put in time and effort because it is pleasurable for them to do. I didn't get my point across too well, I guess I just mean this labeling of her as "not smart" by both her parents just seems so negative and blanket, just because she doesn't like/isn't good at hammering through worksheets. But you're right, there's nothing wrong with just being average.

I agree with you, men like this are just awful. Projecting their issues onto a little child. My daughters dad would have been the same so I left when she was 18 months and she is only exposed to his nonsense a few hours a week. I always take her to nice places and let her relax. I’d hate her to be on high alert all the time like this little girl. It’s an anxiety disorder in the making.

I haven’t read all the thread - just your opening post.

My eldest DD was almost exactly as you describe in your OP at age 8. Meltdowns after school, not liking writing and teachers describing her as lazy as well as some issues socially.

I started querying at the end of primary school whether she had ASD and was masking big style at school. Primary and lower secondary wouldn’t entertain it … but now she’s in sixth form, she went to pastoral and was referred to SENCO and is now awaiting diagnosis for ASD. The SENCO also knew her from lower down the school and said she had masked far too well but now saw her struggles with it.

Whilst she has struggled massively with the social side of school during secondary, she is coming to understand how her brain works now and is more accepting of it.

please look into ASD in girls and see if you think there might be something there. It’s just everything you said in your OP described my daughter at the same age.

@Wisteriaroundthedoor

This child is being abused. Please read the ops posts; her father is abusing her

While I agree with you the father is abusive that doesn't invalidate others' points re ADHD/RSD. I had some very questionable parenting and have some issues as a result. However the more I read around it the more I think I was already set up for this to damage me more by probably having ADHD.

Doesn't need to be dismissed out of hand. However even if the child is treated for ADHD that won't stop her father being abusive. May be two separate issues.

Is your other DC a boy by any chance?

I actually wondered about ADD as well - the emotional sensitivity and poor executive function are classic signs
Mir presents very differently in girls than boys and many teachers won’t recognise it unfortunately
have a look here @whattododoo
www.additudemag.com

that doesn’t mean your DH isn’t being an abusive arsehole. The two things can be true at the same time

This is so scary, he can't see the damage he's doing to your lovely daughter.
I'd keep him well away from any homework she has to do and if he can't see his damaging behavior then you need to consider other options.
In my experience he won't change and her self confidence will be forever damaged. Consider your options wisely and wishing you all the best.

Is he emotionally dysregulated? He does not seem to be managing his own behaviour. Is he unable to or just unwilling? Is he sorry after he is nasty to her? Does she take after him, are they similar in other ways?

agree far too much armchair diagnosing of neurodiversity in these sort of threads but fwiw what you describe sounds a lot like my father’s dynamic with us growing up. Long story short he had undiagnosed ADHD hence the immature behaviour: saw us as extensions of himself, got lost in unhelpful ideas about the world, low empathy when stressed, explosive temper, verbally frightening and intimidating. Two of his DC also had undiagnosed ADHD and his contempt for our unmanaged ADHD traits was particularly sharp. I suppose you don’t have to have an ND label to note that parents are often contemptuous and punishing of their children’s traits they recognise in themselves.

anyway agree he sounds horrible. Don’t let him bully her. Does he bully you too?

He needs to accept and lovevthe child he has. She is her own person. In the short term he needs to step away from the school work as he us making things worse not better.

Oh op, this could have been written about me and my dad 30 years ago. I ended up taking an overdose at 14 because I was so miserable and frustrated.
It did just end up with my dad having a very small role in my life for years and us having family counselling for ages.
I'm not sure what to suggest here except to say that his behaviour almost certainly is the cause of her low self-esteem and negativity. She sounds unhappy!