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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this upset you?

86 replies

PickAPatter · 30/08/2022 09:13

If you had children from a previous relationship and a child with your current spouse and you heard a telephone call between your spouse and their parents asking if they could meet at a local attraction at some point soon but specifically asking not to bring your older children so they could spend some time with their grandchild.

We tend to do lots together so the older kids tend to come along a lot when we meet with spouses parents. Older kids really like spouses parents too although don't call them grandparents.

They were 4 & 6 when we met.

YABU - there's nothing hurtful in this conversation.

YANBU - I'd be hurt and would say something.

OP posts:
Sswhinesthebest · 30/08/2022 09:16

Yes, I’d be hurt. The children were only young when they met.
However, I suppose it’s understandable in a way. What did dh say?

SoupDragon · 30/08/2022 09:21

What are they like with your children usually?

I don't think it's unreasonable to want some time with just the little one if they are usually good with your older ones.

MessyBunPersonified · 30/08/2022 09:24

As a one off its fine.

If its part of a wider issue of the kids being treated differently then not so much.

Frizzzmonster · 30/08/2022 09:24

I don't think you can have any expectations about how involved the step grandparents are unless you discussed it with them before you commited to DH.

Of course you can feel upset about it but I don't think it's fair for you to expect them to do anything different. This is your gripe about having a blended family.

Sorry it hurts.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 30/08/2022 09:25

Sadly my ils logic years ago was to see none of my dc.. Not even their first dgc.
Yanbu to be hurt.

StopFeckingFaffing · 30/08/2022 09:28

I am not in your situation so can only answer hypothetically but I don't think they (the grandparents) are being unreasonable to request this as an occasional thing assuming they are usually happy to spend time with the older ones too

YANBU to feel a little bit upset on behalf of the older ones if you know it is a attraction they would enjoy but I would say it is your job as a parent to ensure you don't pass on this upset to your older DC and perhaps you can do something nice with the older ones on the day your spouse and his parents take out the younger one

luxxlisbon · 30/08/2022 09:28

Well it goes both ways, your older children don’t even view then as grandparents so why would the grandparents view them the same as grandchildren.
I think if they are included the vast majority of the time it is okay for the grandparents to want to spent some quality time with the little ones.

Playplayaway · 30/08/2022 09:28

There's probably nothing malicious in it, unless it's happening very regularly. These situations can get a bit messy sometimes. Even in families where all children are full siblings sometimes GP's or other extended family might just do something with one or two of the children children. Three children can be quite hard work all together especially if not very close in age. Maybe they're planning something more suited to a younger child.

RoseAndRose · 30/08/2022 09:30

It's a one-off

A day out separately every now and again when you have a wide age gap between DC is sensible - they have differing abilities and interests (so even if it's the same place, you'd do very different things to please eg a 3-yo v a pair age 9-11 (I know you haven't mentioned ages, but the gap is likely to be at least 5 years if your then youngest was 4 when you met)

Choopi · 30/08/2022 09:33

I think it is understandable that they just want some time to focus on their grandchild every now and again. Your children don't see them as grandparents, they don't see your children as grandchildren but they all like each other and rub along OK. That sounds fine to me.

Quartz2208 · 30/08/2022 09:39

I think you have a right to feel slightly hurt but at the same time your older ones dont call them grandparents, presumably have grandparents on their fathers side who they do as well

I think it is about balance about recognising that it is sometimes ok for them to do so.

One to one time with grandparents without siblings is good even without the blended family side. Doesnt your youngest deserve to spend some one to one time as well?

Aprilx · 30/08/2022 09:44

I can understand that you would feel something about this, but I also think unless they were refusing to acknowledge the other two, which they aren’t, it isn’t unreasonable.

I obviously don’t know your circumstances, but I would presume there are families whereby children see their grandparents on the non resident parent side whilst their half sibling does not.

ManateeFair · 30/08/2022 09:55

Was it definitely because they wanted to spend time with ‘their own’ grandkids and not just because it’s sometimes easier to do things with just the little ones? My parents 100% consider my brother’s stepchildren to be their grandkids, no different whatsoever from his biological kids, but I think when he had biological kids who were toddlers and the stepkids were primary age, they might have sometimes done separate things just on that basis. (That said, there would also have been times when they took just the stepkids out too without the little ones, to somewhere that wasn’t toddler-friendly.)

Calphurnia88 · 30/08/2022 10:17

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel hurt on behalf of your children, but I also don't think it's unreasonable for the grandparents to want to spend some time with their grandchild.

Whilst it's lovely that they have a good relationship with your DC, they might not feel they get enough bonding time with their DGC when there are two other children around, and depending on the age difference it may limit what they do.

As an occasional thing I don't think this is a big issue.

Malie · 30/08/2022 10:17

When you married your present spouse you became a family. If the whole family is meeting together then the whole family meets. If the grandparents want to take just one child on their own then that is up to them. I assume that the ex and parents takes his kids out on occasions?

Rowen32 · 30/08/2022 10:17

I think it's totally understandable. I know some grandparents treat step grandchildren as their own but honestly, I don't think it's fair to expect people to do that..

Meraas · 30/08/2022 10:19

Are they expecting you to turn up without your DC?

Are they expecting you and DP to pay for this outing?

MaryJoLisa · 30/08/2022 10:27

Your in-laws understandably want to spend time with their grandchild. Having 2 older children changes the dynamic of playing with a (presumably) little one. They may all get on well but they may never think of your children the way they do the youngest and that's ok, especially if they do spend time with them. It was your husband's choice to become a step father, but not theirs to become step grandparents and it sounds like they are trying their best to accommodate you.

bloodyunicorns · 30/08/2022 10:35

It's understandable. The dynamic will be different if the older kids are always with the younger dc and the GP. The GP want some time with their GC.

The step kids presumably have two sets of their own GP to see?

I can see why it's hurtful, but as an occasional thing I think it's fine, and healthy.

Apl · 30/08/2022 10:39

Yabu. The grandparents should be able to spend time with their grandchild without older children (to whom they aren’t even related) always being there, dominating the atmosphere.

I have a niece that dominates any room she’s in. If she’s there when I visit my parents, she gets 100% of their attention and my quieter shy child gets ignored. I would like my child to get to know my parents a bit before they die. So, I try to see my parents at times when niece won’t be there. Grandparents though have an annoying habit of inviting sister and niece round whenever I’m there, so I’ve started specifically requesting that they not be there when I visit. It doesn’t mean I dislike my sister or niece, it means I want my child to have memories of interacting with her grandparents, not just watching my niece do so.

rnsaslkih · 30/08/2022 14:06

I don't know. Do they want to treat their grandchild but don't have enough money to do it for more kids? I can't really see anything wrong in it - presumably you weren't supposed to overhear this? It wasn't meant to hurt you? They just want to see their child's child without other children.

Calphurnia88 · 30/08/2022 14:13

Will you be there too OP?

I can see how this might feel uncomfortable. Maybe you can do something on your own with your older children that day? Or they can spend some time with their DGPs?

Agree with what PP said about money too. Maybe DGP want to treat DGC to a new toy, etc but (understandably) don't feel they can do this without doing the same for your children.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 30/08/2022 14:50

This isn’t the position generally held on mumsnet I think they are being very unreasonable! My DSD was 3 when she met my parents and they treat her as a grandchild in every way possible! Why on Earth would t you want all children of the family to be equal? To be honest I’d be telling them all my children are equal and if they can’t be treated as such then there will be no contact with any of them! My DH and his siblings grew up being treated as second best to a biological child and it’s literally damaged them all for life.

MessyBunPersonified · 30/08/2022 15:35

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 30/08/2022 14:50

This isn’t the position generally held on mumsnet I think they are being very unreasonable! My DSD was 3 when she met my parents and they treat her as a grandchild in every way possible! Why on Earth would t you want all children of the family to be equal? To be honest I’d be telling them all my children are equal and if they can’t be treated as such then there will be no contact with any of them! My DH and his siblings grew up being treated as second best to a biological child and it’s literally damaged them all for life.

Because of one time of wanting to see their grandkid?

Thays one way of blackmailing your family I guess 🙄

Original poster
PickAPatter · 30/08/2022 17:28

They mean just partner and spouse, and it's a popular attraction yes. I don't think they are expecting partner to pay.

Partner said they'd let them know what dates older DC aren't here so they can book something.

OP posts:
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