Would this upset you?

[PickAPatter]

If you had children from a previous relationship and a child with your current spouse and you heard a telephone call between your spouse and their parents asking if they could meet at a local attraction at some point soon but specifically asking not to bring your older children so they could spend some time with their grandchild.

We tend to do lots together so the older kids tend to come along a lot when we meet with spouses parents. Older kids really like spouses parents too although don't call them grandparents.

They were 4 & 6 when we met.

YABU - there's nothing hurtful in this conversation.

YANBU - I'd be hurt and would say something.

In that case, I would probably just tell partner to go without me.

Your kids aren't stupid they know they aren't their grandparents. Don't sweat it.

In fact I think its important not to put the grandparents in the position where they are having to ask to see their grandkids by themselves.

Why would this be an issue? Surely perfectly normal for grandparents to want to see their grandchildren without having to see other children who are not related to them.

Do these children have contact with their Dad and his parents ?

I think yabu. You even said your kids don’t see them as grand parents. That lays out the relationship right there.

I certainly wouldn't leave out the other children. By all means if theyolder ones are busy and way to cool to be hanging out with oldies I'd over look it but to specifically ask for them not to be there seems a bit hurtful.

You said that they don't even see them as grandparents, I think it's fair for the grandparents to occasionally want to see their grandchild on their own. I agree with a PP who said that you should have been doing this sometimes anyway so that they weren't in the position where they had to ask.

Do your other DC see their grandparents on their Dad's side?

@MessyBunPersonified I’ve never needed to blackmail anyone as my family are decent people who wouldn’t make a child feel left out or “different” as they know the damage this can do.

Yes I would be hurt. Same situation partner came into my sons life when he was 4 and my partners mum would never say anything like that - she sees him as her other grandchild. He's 11 now.

I personally think it's fine 1 in 3 or 4 times.

As long as they some of the time make an effort to include all.

Well it goes both ways, your older children don’t even view then as grandparents so why would the grandparents view them the same as grandchildren.

This, not sure why they should want to do everything with your older children when they’re not their grandkids?

Also just to add my son doesn't see my partners mother as his grandma or nanny, just as he doesn't see my partner as his dad. He calls him by his name and her by her name. But they have a close relationship and my mother in law has a close relationship with him as well which is why I would be hurt. Just because they don't call them nanna or whatever doesn't mean they don't have a close relationship or love each other, but I guess that is relative to your situation.

Exactly, @Lolacat1234! Completely agree, family is family.

I agree with the pps saying that you're all family now and i also would have been hurt if i were in your shoes. However the grandparents don't feel these kids are their family, and you can't make them feel otherwise. My parents both remarried and everyone brought adult children into the fold. I've only met my step siblings on a handful of occasions and i just don't think of them as my family and wouldn't relish my limited family time including them.

I get why it’s hurtful to you but I also understand why they very occasionally want time alone with their grandchild. The issue is you want yours to be their grandchild too, they never will be. I think you need to accept that and let them occasionally spend time with just their actual grandkid. It doesn’t mean they don’t love the step grandkids.

specifically asking not to bring your older children so they could spend some time with their grandchild.

Are they not getting to spend the time with younger dc when older kids are there? Do they dominate things by any chance?

I’d be hurt yes… but I also don’t think they’re being unreasonable xo

⬆️ We were in EXACTLY the same position when our son was younger! We didn't live quite as close so had to make lots of effort to visit regularly, which we did & were more than happy to include nieces/nephews etc but not every single bloody time!

Our son was fairly quiet/shy & they were all VERY dominant & it used to drive me insane that the GPs would invite them along to every single little thing without fail (even an everyday trip to the park!) & then proceed to be stretched far too thin & monopolised by them - at the expense of our son, who would just end up playing with us, as his GPs were constantly pulled away by his cousins.

As a result, they never really knew him at all until he was very much older & even now they're not as close as we'd have liked. 🤷‍♀️

Think it’s really sad that people say they ‘aren’t even related’.

If they aren’t family after marriage then what does that make you and your spouse?

It’s not unreasonable for them to have one on one time with their grandchild sometimes but I don’t love the classic MN responses of ‘why should they spend time with these random children anyway’.

I think it’s perfectly acceptable as long as the others are included most of the time. If you’re kids don’t view them as grandparents then why do you expect the parents to view them as grandkids. YABU

Of course it would upset me. Like most parents, in my ideal world everyone my children were involved with would like them, want their company and treat them fabulously. I would be offended at any suggestion that someone wanted my children out of the way for whatever reason.
But... I would try very hard to get over myself, because I'd also know this is unrealistic and unreasonable and not something i can change however upset i get. I'd not say a word. I'd smile and say 'of course, no problem' and take my children somewhere else myself so they didn't miss out.

This idea of "treating all children the same" is an emotional response rather than a reality. The dc have different family set ups so their lives are inevitably different. It's a fact of life.
Given your post indicating that your dc spend time away from your home presumably with their df and family then it's perfectly reasonable for the youngest dc to spend time with their dgp.
I get that it feels upsetting to you but I'd hazard a guess that your dc understand the difference.

I can see why you would be hurt but I don’t think they are doing anything wrong. They want to spend some time with their GC and that’s not unfair or unkind to your dc.

You aren't being unreasonable to be upset, but they're not being unreasonable to ask either.

What is wrong with wanting to spend one on one time with their grandchild? What's the age difference - you say they're older now, is your younger DC much much younger?

I was the older step child in this situation, it didn't bother me at all. I knew I had my own grandparents, as did my younger (step) sister. I did things on my own with my sets of grandparents, she did the same with hers. Your DC have two other sets of grandparents (if they're all still with you) to take them out and treat them. No harm in your younger DC occasionally having a treat day with their grandparents.