Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this upset you?

86 replies

PickAPatter · 30/08/2022 09:13

If you had children from a previous relationship and a child with your current spouse and you heard a telephone call between your spouse and their parents asking if they could meet at a local attraction at some point soon but specifically asking not to bring your older children so they could spend some time with their grandchild.

We tend to do lots together so the older kids tend to come along a lot when we meet with spouses parents. Older kids really like spouses parents too although don't call them grandparents.

They were 4 & 6 when we met.

YABU - there's nothing hurtful in this conversation.

YANBU - I'd be hurt and would say something.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 31/08/2022 14:55

@PickAPatter as a parent of two girls who were 5+7 when they met dh it sucks . Ils were fab until ds came along and then when the queen herself was born via sil all my kids were on the back burner.

girlmom21 · 31/08/2022 14:59

What's your child's behaviour like? Do they steal the show? Do you IL's treat them like their own grandchildren generally?

It's fine to want to spend one-to-one time with grandchildren.

Mumspair1 · 31/08/2022 15:26

luxxlisbon · 30/08/2022 09:28

Well it goes both ways, your older children don’t even view then as grandparents so why would the grandparents view them the same as grandchildren.
I think if they are included the vast majority of the time it is okay for the grandparents to want to spent some quality time with the little ones.

This. They aren't their gps and they aren't their gc. Pretty much the same as a parent wanting to spend time with just her dc instead of dsc.

mycatisannoying · 31/08/2022 15:28

YABU, sorry.

mountainsunsets · 31/08/2022 15:32

So it's okay for your kids not to see them as grandparents, but it's not okay for them to not see them as grandchildren?

YABU.

lickenchugget · 31/08/2022 15:36

If they are planning on doing something on a weekend when your older DC are with their other parent, then I cannot see how this is an issue.

They are not their GC, and you’ve said your DC don’t see them as GP’s

RedHelenB · 31/08/2022 15:38

PickAPatter · 30/08/2022 17:28

They mean just partner and spouse, and it's a popular attraction yes. I don't think they are expecting partner to pay.

Partner said they'd let them know what dates older DC aren't here so they can book something.

Don't see much wrong with that as a one off.

Brigante9 · 31/08/2022 15:40

I think it’s fine if there is a big age gap, the elder ones won’t want to go to eg soft play, would they? The grandparents of the younger one don’t have to want to go out with dc they’re not related to, maybe?

autienotnaughty · 31/08/2022 15:41

LosingTheWill2022 · 31/08/2022 09:41

This idea of "treating all children the same" is an emotional response rather than a reality. The dc have different family set ups so their lives are inevitably different. It's a fact of life.
Given your post indicating that your dc spend time away from your home presumably with their df and family then it's perfectly reasonable for the youngest dc to spend time with their dgp.
I get that it feels upsetting to you but I'd hazard a guess that your dc understand the difference.

Agreed and naturally they may see dgc alone but it's the planned "we don't want them there" that's hurtful

LosingTheWill2022 · 31/08/2022 16:06

it's the planned "we don't want them there" that's hurtful
Its hurtful to the OP because she's their Mum and it feels like a rejection to her. But objectively, the dgp haven't acted hurtfully. They talked to their ds, not in front of their step dgc or the OP. Asking for time with their young dgc is ok and they went about it tactfully.

autienotnaughty · 31/08/2022 17:36

@LosingTheWill2022 not saying it's the case here but trust me the dsc know when they are second best. It is hard for them to understand.

BobbysGirly · 31/08/2022 18:20

It wouldn’t upset me at all. I have 2 children from my first marriage and 3 children from my second marriage. We are all invited to family gatherings - my own family and DH family - such as weddings, BBQ’s, birthday celebrations etc

My eldest children have a great relationship with their father and his extended family and see them regularly. My youngest are not invited to their family gatherings. Nor should they be.

Youngest children have every right to spend time with their paternal GP’s without their older half siblings. Their GP’s want to spend time with their GC. Of course they should.

My parents used to invite all the GC to spend time with them, at their holiday home, during school holidays. Because they are all my children, therefore all are their GC.

Eldest DC’s father and GP’s don’t buy Birthday or Christmas presents for elder DC’s half siblings. Why would they? Younger DC’s paternal family don’t buy Birthday/Christmas presents for eldest DC. Why would they?

songdancer · 31/08/2022 21:02

Been there. Gone through that. My parents didn't accept my step son as part of the family. They said so. They even told him. When they told people how many grandkids they have, they didn't include my stepson in the count.

I eventually adopted him, making him officially my son. My parents still don't count him as one of the grandkids.

Now my son is grown and has kids. My grandkids don't know my parents, because my parents didn't accept my stepson/son as part of MY family. So I recently went to my granddaughter's wedding, and my parents weren't invited. We have Christmas with my kids (all of them), and my parents aren't invited.

I also have girls with my husband. Since my parents don't accept my son as part of my family (even after I adopted him), that means that my other children (the girls) have decided not to spend time with my parents as well. They have no interest in doing "family" things without all of their family, and that includes their brother.

Separating out siblings and treating them differently tends to lead to bad feelings. While the grandparents may not have a blood tie to the stepchild, the other children in the family do have a blood tie with their sibling. The half-sibling can feel like a second-class citizen in the family and may not want to live in that household when he/she is older.

It is easier to be inclusive. And it pays off over time.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 01/09/2022 10:40

A bizarre one we had. Mil really took to my dc. 3 under 8.... Wanted to be Dgm-name. All good.
Then we announced I was pregnant and she backed away. Stopped bothering. When ds was born totally snubbed him. Went on holiday several times and brought gifts for my dc but not her dgc. We moved away. Haven't seen her for over 7 years. Wish my dc had never met her. Strange bloody woman!

Calphurnia88 · 01/09/2022 14:24

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 01/09/2022 10:40

A bizarre one we had. Mil really took to my dc. 3 under 8.... Wanted to be Dgm-name. All good.
Then we announced I was pregnant and she backed away. Stopped bothering. When ds was born totally snubbed him. Went on holiday several times and brought gifts for my dc but not her dgc. We moved away. Haven't seen her for over 7 years. Wish my dc had never met her. Strange bloody woman!

So your children were basically 'stand-in' grandchildren before biological grandchildren were born?

This sounds particularly cruel.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 01/09/2022 15:28

She was happy to see mine. When her biological dgc arrived she dumped us all. Especially her dgc! Made no sense.

Musti · 01/09/2022 15:30

I think it is fine. Even doing stuff with only one or some of the kids at a time when they are related. When I spend one on one time with one of my kids, it is completely different to when there are 2 or more. Talk more, open more, no bickering etc

ddl1 · 01/09/2022 15:47

Not hurtful if it only happens very occasionally. Hurtful if part of a consistent pattern.

Jimzle · 02/09/2022 19:39

I wouldn't like that. Siblings are a package deal. Period.

Favorsgrace · 02/09/2022 21:06

im in a somewhat similar situation though all my children are from the same dad, And two older children go to grandmas and the two younger children have no idea what that’s like. It’s quite sad and I’m still trying to navigate these waters I guess all I can say is thanks for taking and treating the older two, at home it causes hurt feelings and one son who walks around mr “ high all mighty “ I’m gonna go to grandmas at the end of the week so I don’t have to follow ur rules blah blah it’s not a very good situation but I’m unsure how to handle

canteatlovefood · 02/09/2022 22:20

My stepson is 12 and we have 2 more kids 8 and 3. My parents have known SS since he was 2 and he is basically their grandchild. If my parents ever asked to spend time with the younger 2 and exclude SS I would say no. When he's at our house they're a package deal of 3 siblings whatever we do. Not that my parents ever would request this, but it'd be pretty hard to explain to SS.

Mooloolabababy · 02/09/2022 23:20

Favorsgrace · 02/09/2022 21:06

im in a somewhat similar situation though all my children are from the same dad, And two older children go to grandmas and the two younger children have no idea what that’s like. It’s quite sad and I’m still trying to navigate these waters I guess all I can say is thanks for taking and treating the older two, at home it causes hurt feelings and one son who walks around mr “ high all mighty “ I’m gonna go to grandmas at the end of the week so I don’t have to follow ur rules blah blah it’s not a very good situation but I’m unsure how to handle

What's the reason given for this? Could the grandparents start to alternate weekends with them? (Two oldest one weekend, two youngest the next weekend) So that all dcs get a chance to stay at their grandparents as when the oldest two get too old to want to go to granny's then the younger two won't have built up that close bond to want to stay over, surely?
Also, with regard to the high and mighty attitude, I'd have to say to dc that if they continue to behave that way then the won't get to go.

Grumpypants78 · 02/09/2022 23:24

YANBU to be hurt but YABU to say anything as it's perfectly understandable they would want to spend time with their GC without the distraction of the older kids as long as it doesn't happen too often or are overly obvious in treating the kids differently 💐

TXmum3 · 03/09/2022 00:13

Nothing hurtful here. It may feel like that because the olders are yours and it can sound exclusive but if they are really good with the olders generally than I think it's no big deal. You said your kids don't call them grandparents so I don't think it's unreasonable for them to feel their is definitely a difference in relationship with the younger kiddos than the olders. If its expected that the olders should always be included then maybe it should also be expected they view and call the grandparents grandma and grandpa etc.

Frangle101 · 03/09/2022 11:10

I am a individual that grew up in a similar situation. I am the biological child along with my elder sister. My mom had 2 children from previous relationships. They are older 10 yrs & 5 yrs from me. They didn't have other grandparents to go to so this may not be completely relatable. However, my grandparents never that I am aware of treated my other siblings different than they treated biological grandkids. If my siblings were younger I'm certain my grandparents would have been fine with them being around. There were times where I can't remember exactly but we did have sleep overs at my dad's parent's house I believe it was just my sister and I though. That's probably, because we were younger than the other 2 & it was probably when my parents needed care while my siblings were in school. This was back in the late 70's & 80's. When blended families were more rare then. I just wish blended families of today were accepting as my grandparents were. They had flaws might have spoiled some of us a little more at times, but they always remembered birthdays and holidays for my siblings as well.
I get where the biological grandparents are coming from but it makes sense to me when the step grandchildren are at maybe their other grandparents or with their other parent if that's actually thing for you (though not in my situation) that would be great time to have one on one quality grandparents' time. If they have other grandparents that's in their lives you might be able to do grandparent day. Where the ones spend time with their grandparents and the other spend time with the other grandparents and when they get home they can talk about what they did and you can help guide them so hopefully it's not about jealousy but more about what grandparents share time with them.