Yes I probably am, But that doesn't mean that my mother's actions haven't hurt me.

[purplemonkeydishwasher]

THis is stupid. I know it is. But I need a rant and since the buggy has a puncture (that's a whole other rant) and I'm stuck in the house today I get to rant to all of you loverly ladies.

Fucking Facebook.
My family in Canada are planning a family reunion in the summer. We probably won't go becuase of finances (and because the last time we went over my family nearly drove me to a breakdown)
So one of my cousins has started a group on facebook for the reunion. People have been putting old family photos on it. There's about 80 pictures on there now.
My mother has put probably 20 - 25 pictures on tehre. Not one has me in it.
Most of them have my bitch sister in, though. (we don't get on, can you tell?)
And mom's changed her display picture to one of her and my sister. She'd never do that for me or my brothers.
SO this has bothered me. But i though, oh well, she's not doing it on purpose to try to hurt me.
So then i get an email from her telling me that there's lots of great pictures on there and that i should go look.

It was like a slap in the face.
I know she's not doing it intentionally to hurt me, She's probably not even aware that she's doing it. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse.

I don't live in the same city as them. Haven't now for 10 years. That was my choice. But it's almost like I'm not there so they forget I exist.
Oh fuck this is stupid. Ignore me. I'm just a pathetic jealous horribel person.

Yanbu, that would really hurt me too.

Purple Monkey, I understand where you're coming from. I also don't live near my parents and brother and it's like I'm out of sight out of mind. My mum had a meal out for her 60th birthday with all the family and friends and ommitted to invite me. I only found out afterwards. I have since talked to her about it and she says she will make an effort to include me in what they're doing. Could you talk reasonably to your mum about it and let her know how it makes you feel when you see no photos of yourself on the Facebook site? It may be worth trying to talk to her in a calm way and saying how it makes YOU feel rather than blaming her - she can't argue with how you feel after all. I don't think you're a pathetic jealous person - you just feel hurt and I think most of us would feel the same. I know I do.

YANBU as I think its a lot more than facebook.

My brother's family and zillions of pictures of family in their house but NONE of me and my family and we get on well. I have asked him where all the pictures of us are and he ignores me. Not sure if this is more to do with his wife but we are not at loggerheads and get on well.

It is really hurtful but some people are just plain odd. Have you said to your mum 'where are all the pictures of me? I am the good looking one in the family after all!' If you don't make a big deal out of it but remind your mum you don't feature, she might be mortified and rectify the situation.

I would email her saying 'I see I'm not included in your family now!'. Follow on by light chit chat, so that it doesn't become a big issue - but if she raises it, I would say 'to be honest, I was pretty hurt!'.

Message withdrawn

YANBU. My sister did this once, showed me the lovely "family" photo mosaic she'd made - not one of me. I did point it out - I'm a tactless sod - and she was so apologetic that she not only changed the one she had already made, but she made a new one, just of pics of my ugly mug

Thoughtlessness hurts, but sometimes it is just that. Keep things light as has been suggested, but don't let it fester and become something more.

thanks everyone.
this is why I love MN!

I just had to post when I read this. I moved countries 7 years ago (Canada to the UK) and it was like I just disapeared to my family.

None of my 3 sisters sent birthday or Christmas cards (and I never missed one) and my parents very rarely included us in anything.

When my in-laws went over last year to see Canada and spend time with my folks my mum talked on and on about how great my sisters were and it bugged my MIL so much that she actually said "And of course you must be SO proud of bb2b and all her accomplishments" my mother apparently looked surprised!

In October we moved out here and my family is acting like they hadn't ignored me for 7 years. So I agree that some of it is "out of sight out of mind" syndrome. But I disagree when you say that its not intentional - maybe not consciously intentional but there is something going on there. (One of my sisters keeps "forgetting" to tell me about plans they're all making together!)

Problem is, as I've learned suddenly, its not their problem its yours. As hard as it is - as soon as I accepted that their behaviour wasn't going to change but that mine can. I'd say work on why it bugs you so much and how you can make yourself feel better about yourself and how the relationship is.

I suddenly realised that I have created a wonderful life for myself that was already full of positive, loving people and if they weren't going to be as good as or treat me as well(or better) then they were the ones losing out - not me.

Sorry for the rambles - i hope that helps some...

wow, bb2b! thank you!
you know exactly how i'm feeling.
what you were saying about it being my problem not theirs. that has a lot of truth to it.
the trouble that i have is that i am a really jealous person. and i really really don't get on with my sister, my mom knows this. so when she posts things about sis or pics of her that hurts so much. i need to get this younger sister syndrome chip off my shoulder, i know i do. but it's so hard.
it doesn't make it easier that sis treats me (and my family) poorly and the rest of the family defends her.

I send a reply to mom's message last night. it read:
LOL
It's like 'It;s a Wonderful Life", i get to see my family without me in it!

No reply yet!

on another note-
BB2b
how is Vancouver? Dh and I have been wrestling with moving back to Canada and Vancouver is on our short list of places to go. Is it as expensive as everyone says??

Hi PMDW!

I'm glad the response helped I was worried I came across slightly condescending!

I know it is really hard to work through but it is possible. I'm probably 60% there now so still have a bit to go (and who knows if I'll actually get there!) but I work at moving my focus from what I don't have (a solid relationship with my mother or sisters) to what I do have (an absolutely amazing group of friends who have been through the wars with me, a fabulous relationship with my MIL and a wonderful husband) - kinda shows how we can miss how much we have to be thankful for!

Its strange to me that it got easier to deal with when I came back. I now feel like I have a bit more control I guess but I am not going to act like 7 years of neglect haven't happened.

Vancouver is lovely. It is expensive but in strange ways - groceries are more than the UK but eating out is less. Nice clothes and shoes can be pricey but activities are less (eg I can get 8 pilates classes for $55 whereas I was paying 12GPB per class in UK).

I guess it depends on your situation. We sold a house in London and with the proceeds we were able to pay off our debts, buy a small SUV outright and put enough money down to have a small(ish) mortgage on a house which has 3 times the square footage than we had in London (and for less than the London place was worth!)

Its hard because "starting over" anywhere is expensive but we see people far more often that we ever did in the uk and have a much better quality of life so it def works out for us!

I loved your reply to your mum! Tee hee hee - def like something I would say!

How long have you been in Scotland?

bb2b

If it were me... I would upload loads of pictures with me in to address the balance.

bb2b - (not condescending at all! YOu probably have a better grasp on the situation than I do!)

Ah, see, you had a place in London to sell. I've got a place in Falkirk. probably won't get the same money from it! saying that we figure we'd end up taking back 100K to start a new life with. DH is an IT professional and I'm a artist SAHM. We think we'd probably be better off. but we're so afraid to leave someplace that we love (here) and move to a place that we think we'll be more financially secure just to find out that we're not and then not be able to afford to come back.

we've been in Scotland for 6 years. Bought our house just before insane prices came in so our mortgage isn't that bad (though getting worse with all the interest rate rises) mostly it's things like fuel and electricity that are crippling us. (currently 102.9/litre here for petrol...what it's like there?)

the biggest problem we have actually, is that we live in a nice house in a so/so neighbourhood. we have a pub at the end of the street that causes a LOT of problems and we just aren't sure about raising a child in that kind of environment. but we wouldn't be able to afford to move in this country (even with our house doubling in value it wouldnt get us anything)
the whole thing is a PITA!!

pmd

PMDW, I think in the very least your mother is being crass and thoughtless.
Put lots of photos on of you and everyone you know (even the milkman) and none of your mother, she might get the hint.
Good luck.

hd it out with her yesterday. (vis MSN cause i's a chicken!)
she apologized and told me that it wasn't intentional. has since gone on to put a whack of pics up of me and my little family.
she also told me that they want to pay for us to come home for the family reunion. that's a whole other can of worms that i'm not looking froward to opening!!!!

Glad it was resolved. Reminds me of my MIL who has photos in her purse of SIL, BIL and the cat, but none of dh! LOL

Hi PMD!

Do you mean 100K in dollars or pounds?

To be honest either would be ok pounds would obviously be better!!

We moved for the family thing too(although we don't have one yet so I'm still undecided as to whether we moved too early - almost the same situation - lovely house in a so/so area but we felt is was slipping and we wouldn't have wanted to raise kids there.

To put it into perspective we bought a 4 bedroom, 3.5 bathroom house with over 3000 sq/ft for $540k (or 270GBP). We have friends who bought a 3 bedroom townhouse with a nice size yard for around $340k. (Our place in London was 1000 sq/ft, 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom for 340GBP!!!)

We're in the suburbs so we have to commute (45 mins to an hour 15) but we did in London too so no worries! Where we chose to buy has loads of linear parks and paths and is designed for kids to be able to walk to school to alleviate the school run. Brilliant community center with a pool, loads of classes and courses for both adults & kids and lots of parks and playgrounds. There are also lots of expats and families with kids nearby too which is nice!

Its a tough decision to make and the first few months are a rollercoaster (we're only 3 months in so I'll let you know how it goes! All in all our day to day life is a lot easier and happier...

PS - what kind of art do you do?

Oh and there are a lot of IT jobs here so your husband should be able to find work relatively easily!

Get yourself round to that fab Indian takeaway round the corner from you and stuff your face. Then crack open some wine and toast the fact that you won't be risking mental torture by attending the reunion. Or you could slap loads of photies of you and your brother, DS, DH and put none of your mum or bitch sister. Then send her the email saying how nice they are and she should look.

Apart from that, hope you're well.

facebook is rubbish

YANBU me and my sister have to be treated EXACTLY the same even tho we're adults

Must read full thread in future, glad it's resolved.

oh gscrym - you do make me smile! thanks for that!! (Haven't had indian in ages, but have discovered the wonders of the newish chinese takeaway near us!)

bb2b - I trained as a ceramic artist. but haven't touched clay in more years than i care to admit to. i paint now. (or i would if it weren't for MN that crazy toddler running around!)

the 100K was in dollars. though if the bastard canadian dollar stays strong then it;ll be less!!

Families can be shit can't they. I didn't find out about my Grandad dying Christmas Eve one year as apparently they my dad didn;t know where I was (I was with Mum and someone could easily have found the number).

It used to bother me loads, now I try and ignore them.

Glad to hear you got it sorted out.