To ask your experience of moving to a rural location with children/ teens

[MumEeeee]

Dh and I are always tempted to move out the city. We grew up in villages, but not in the UK.

Friends keep saying to us how difficult it would be. We’d be driving them everywhere/ no facilities etc.

My experience of village life was that people didn’t leave that much, maybe one a week to the nearest town. There was a bus. One friend says I’m idealistic and what I remember has changed or doesn’t exist anymore. She’s a Londoner born and bred though…

So, if you made the move from
the city to a very rural location with teens and children- how did they take it?

Thanks

I agree, @Festoonlights - the bullying only happened because we moved to the remote village, where everyone else knew each other from birth, and where we didn't fit in because of how we spoke, and mum definitely did not want to face up to how unhappy I was. I don't know if she was 'checked out' - I think she was selfish. She loved where we lived, and had a massive garden that was her passion, and her pride and joy. When I told her about the bullying, in tears, she told me to just ignore it and it would stop - I was left knowing that, if the bullying didn't stop, it was clearly my fault, and there would be no point telling mum it hadn't stopped. As an adult, I now think she should have checked up on me, and asked if things were getting better, and she should have noticed how unhappy I was. I suspect she turned a blind eye because she didn't want to have to deal with it, so I was left to cope alone.

I think the wider point I was trying (badly) to make is that moving to a small village can be difficult because everyone else there knows each other, so it can be harder to fit in - which isn't to say it's impossible, just that the adults who are moving a family to the countryside need to be aware of the possibility, and make sure it doesn't negatively affect their kids.

I can only speak for our village - we have six teens and lots of smaller children. All are sporty and into their tennis/riding/cricket etc and we can’t even get them to drink a glass of wine much less take drugs! That are massively into clean living.

We have extremely low / non existent crime rates as everyone knows each other marvellous not sure why you are getting so emotional about it.

That sounds hideous and horrible for you 💐Your parents should have done much more to support you

Marvellous, my dc have tons of friends so definitely not alienated. Quite the opposite. They enjoy going to the theatre and shopping etc in London and love coming home! Everywhere is so connected now on - you can access anywhere and anything without leaving your rose covered cottage - including incredibly flexible careers that allow you a certain quality of life now wfh.

@Festoonlights there are drugs in my local lovely ‘historic market’ town because there is nothing to do.

I agree with this.

We live rurally, the nearest bus stop is a good 30mins walk and the nearest shop about an hour on foot.

My teens seem quite happy with where we live, however they have lived here all their lives, so nothing to compare it to.

They do meet friends and we have to drive them about, but is not excessive. They get dropped at the bus stop for school and collected from the bus stop after school, or walk home.

They also spend a lot of time on line chatting to their mates and gaming etc.

I am quite glad we don't live in town as it shelters them from all the hanging around drinking and generally getting up to no good.

^That’s a fair point. Some villages can be very closed off and hostile to ‘outsiders’ if you can’t trace your lineage back in the village.

My own experience of rural living was a negative one and I did leave as soon as I was able (which wasn’t long thankfully). The teenagers that could leave (read, ‘had better prospects’), did, and as far as I’m aware none returned. Obviously when children leave home there’s never a guarantee that they will live close by or even within reasonable travelling distance, but I do wonder if flight is much more likely to happen when it comes to rural areas.

I find it interesting how so many of us have totally opposing experiences.

I live in a small rural, coastal town and my experience is that people stay. I mean, it can't be that bad here if multiple generations of multiple families are choosing to stay here.

DH's family, for example, have always lived here. His parents are retired and in their seventies - they have 5 grown up DC who all live here, plus grand-children and great-grand children who all live here. Many moved away for university or work in their twenties, but every single one chose to come back here to raise their families.

Whereas I was raised in a middle-class town with excellent connections to several university cities and London, and I can maybe name two people who are still there into adulthood. Everyone else has flown and they only ever come back a couple of times a year.

It really does go to show that is a crapshoot really, dependent on a number of variables. There’s no right or wrong answer.

People are very tribal when it comes to city/country, it really boils down to the character of the child and family and personal choice. There are benefits to both.

That’s is why the richest family we know have a flat in a nice part of London and a lovely country house 😁

But where do they actually live? Here it’s the other way around - apartment in London for weekends and holidays - country house and life day to day!
Sometimes a place or two overseas one being ski friendly usually.
That probably solves most of the problems on the thread 😅

London - country house for weekends and holidays

Based in London for work purposes I assume, not necessarily because it is better/safer/improved quality of life.

Moved to a hamlet just outside a small town in the South when DC were 4/6. All well - but schools meant driving because of small rural lanes and lack of safety. Meant my DH did most of the transport since I had an irregular job. It was brilliant for walks, dogs, riding. Sleep overs were common since few parents wanted to collect up a farm track. Hamlets widespread so taxis to school were provided by the council. Come teenage years it got much harder - while DC were still country children, they did want a bit more. No trains, expensive taxis if we couldn't do it. And for those who think rural areas don't have drugs - think on. Our village was close enought to ports to be the drug capital of the county. And that was before county runs.

I grew up in the middle of nowhere, it was miserable. Couldn’t see my friends regularly, missed out on loads of socialising due to not being able to get anywhere without a lift. I feel like my whole teen years were lived in isolation. It was terrible. I wouldn’t inflict that on my children.

We moved into town, close to the school, hoping that I wouldn't need to ferry dcs around too much - but all their friends live in the surrounding villages, especially since Covid, the entire middle classes seem to have moved into the countryside. I hate single file country lanes, but every playdate, music tuition or birthday party is down one of those death traps. Starting to think there was no point moving into town

@Festoonlights did you say whether your DC are at boarding school, as based on your posts I suspect they are?

If so that’s a completely different experience - rural isolation as a break from 24/7 with friends at school (and with mates to stay over and trips here and there as it’s the holidays) is very different from rural isolation 365 days a year.

I have children in boarding school and children that go the local school. All are happy. I gave them the option when the youngest became a teen to move to a large town and everyone was in total agreement - no way. It was an easy decision for us at least

My daughter and son in law have just found some unicorn poo - they are registered homeless due to disability and have been offered a house in a tiny picture postcard village where this is the only council house left. Its a fantastic house with a massive garden, drive and has been totally refurbished.

The only bus route has just been discontinued though and there is not even a shop in the village.

Due to the disability they will always have a mobility car but know and expect to be constantly driving the children from one activity to the next. One is 13 and the other two 7 and are home educated so many activities in their week!

It’s hard to answer because teens are not an amorphous mass but individuals. Mine are city girls they love being independent seeing their friends under their own steam, vintage clothes shopping restaurants cinemas and cafes. They really like the theatre too. They would hate to live rurally. Yours might be outdoorsy or home birds who would enjoy it so it’s impossible answer!

That’s probably the most sensible answer

It’s impossible to say as it totally depends on the teens - kids are so different.

We live rurally. Have done since the elder children were very young. The three elder ones are now at Uni - they all ended up in cities. Two of them hate it and can’t wait to get back to somewhere quieter, although both say they will likely end up in a middle place as they hate the constant buzz, but love the accessibility and transport. One absolutely loves it and I think will likely spend the rest of their life (finances allowing) in London/New York/the biggest and busiest place they can find.

If do end up rural you have to, imo, commit to being a taxi. It’s highly unlikely round here that the buses will coincide with swimming practise or someone’s birthday party. The country lanes aren’t safe to walk and taxis are a rare beast. So you end up having to do a lot of ferrying as it’s unfair to expect kids to miss out on everything because of adult choice.

It is important to note that your teens will still go to London and other major cities with friends, to the theatre and shopping but if they are sporty kids that love to roam free and like the country life, and you are not a fan of city life and everything that comes with it then you can have the best of both worlds in my experience. You can choose what you wake up to every morning.

Schools matter, cohort matters. Your future life matters.
Where do you want to retire and where would you most see yourself as an old person? Where would you like to see your grandchildren live - should they choose to set up near you? What makes you happy and feel fulfilled? Is it bird song or the roar of the city?

I do think moving sooner rather than later is better, because you have the best chance of meeting lots of new friends whilst you still have children, and many of those friendships are likely to be for life if you live somewhere that isn't transient and fast moving. A good solid network makes life anywhere enjoyable.