13 year old son will not come for day out

[tallulah07]

I paid for tickets for our whole family to go to Chessington as a treat for my two children (I cannot get a refund). My son REFUSES point blank to go - what can I do?? I can't physically force him into the car and I do not want to be miles out of Norfolk leaving him to his own devices! :-(

As a mum of 3 young adults, I used to make it clear phone, WIFI box, iPad or plug for PC was coming with me if they refused to come out for a family day out (not often and only something ‘big’). They soon changed their minds when they saw me loading it into car!

People have also explained that and OP has actioned it by putting her foot down. And doing it now is the next best thing to turning the clock back. Throwing hands up because it's too late and letting it slide ever after is not going to help.

Just to add that was then they were teens probably up to school leaving age. I don’t do it now they’re adults!

With this update, not a chance. He’s coming with you even if he sits in the car in the car park, without his phone, for the duration of the visit. He’s 13!!

@tallulah07 it would be useful if you actually tagged people in your responses, it isn’t clear whose posts you’re referencing.

I have generally nice, compliant teenage dc. I'm not inclined to take all the credit for that, & we have certainly had our 'fuck off, mum' moments.

I've also taught teenagers for over 20 years, & the suggestion that you can just 'enforce your will' on a 13yo whose response is: 'well, no, I'm not getting in the car, I'm bigger than you so you can't drag me & I'll get really aggressive if you try. Plus if you ground me I'll climb out the window, you aren't getting my phone & you can't physically take it from me because yep, still bigger & stronger than you, oh & I'm off to crash on the sofa of a mate you've never heard of & FUCK YOU'...well, it's naive.

Boundaries are great. High expectations are even better & an understanding of parent/child relationship changes over time is really important.

Thinking you're going to physically haul a defiant 6' teenager into a car or remove his phone against his will if he's backed himself into a 'FUCK YOU' corner - no, that won't happen.

& whilst being on top of things from an early age helps, if I had a fiver for every parent of a kid in my tutor group I've known who did all that & was pretty gobsmacked when their easygoing, compliant teenager suddenly went full teenwolf without warning, I'd be retiring early.

OP - I generally found a 'come on, humour me' approach worked best at this age. 'Yes yes I know, bit naff right? but I'd love a good old fashioned day out & you know your dsibling would adore it - anyway, if you can beat me on <competitive theme park thing> I might buy you that <coveted thing dc has been nagging for>.'

You let them be the cool dude slightly patronisingly obliging their mum & younger siblings, not the grumpy 'I'm too old for this shite' kid being dragged by the ear to do something babyish.

It's worth a try.

She hasnt actioned it until he is in the car and going out for the day.

I agree with clear and consistent boundaries, this is not rocket science or an alien concept, but I work with children and families and I can tell you that there are some children who no matter their upbringing, who may become involved in things which lead to them completely disregarding their parents authority.

In addition there are children with whom consequential boundaries are not that effective.

We dont know whether this is the case here. We dont know if OP is just unlucky or whether there are gaps in her parenting. The fact that she allows him to be on his phone chatting to mates in the night leads me to feel its the latter but we wont know

My issue was with the glib comments and solutions, very naive and as I say, until he is in the car and in the theme park she has not actioned anything. If he refuses to get in the car, then what?

He has been hanging out with a new group of friends, taking phone calls in the small hours of the morning and generally being very disrespectful

I think the phone calls at odd times are a concern. Especially if he has an unknown friendship group. I don't want to worry you but do you think he's involved in county lines?

I hope he agrees to come along & you have a nice day.

Cross posted but you said it better than me

What do you normally do OP?

Your the adult he is the child. He goes. From what you have said he is hanging around with poss the wrong crowd. Rain him in he is still a child.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee how far away from home do you work?

@CorvusPurpureus
Good post and I certainly agree.

I am a teacher too. Lot's do think it's down to good parenting but you only have to read the teen boards on here. Teens with the same upbringing one is compliant and another isn't.

It is often down to sheer dam luck.

Agree with the cajoling and doing it as a favour.

This is the approach I'd go for. DS isn't quite there yet, but at getting on for 12 and being autistic which means he's always been strong willed, I can see this kind of issue arising in the future.

He gets plenty of time to indulge his preferences but he can not have his own way all the time. If I'm encountering a sutuation likely to trigger resistance I present a few options ranging from carrot to stick .

1. you come with me without fuss and get some kind of reward (e.g. preference over first ride/ lunch)
2. you have a grumble about it and come anyway
3. I go (with all the tech) and you have a tedious time although with the concern over friends in this instance, I'd be more inclined to divide and conquer and I'd stay home and he is tech free and can gradually rebate me the cost of the tickets from his allowence.

Having clear boundaries, DS knows when it's in his interests to co-operate even if he does it with the grace of Victor Meldrew.
I can't "make" him do things, but I can make it seem like the more attractive option.

28 miles

@CloseYourEyesAndSee so not over a 140? Slightly different situation?

I his dad around? At the extreme I would leave one parent at home with him to stop him from seeing these ‘friends’. I suspect he’s getting drawn into something nasty.

Let us know how it goes OP. Good luck.

Sometimes we have to do things we don't really want to as adults, to benefit the family as a whole, it is one day out of a 6 week holiday. Is he mature enough to listen to this argument, rather than 'you must come because I say so'?

At 13 I would have made DS come out no argument. He didn't decide to stay at home at that age and he didn't have any friends I didn't know about either.
Ffs he s 13 not 18.

@MintJulia what If they chose to all stay in together then? You would ruin the day out for the entire family on the word of a sulking teenager?

At least that teenager would be safe and not tearing up the neighbourhood.

Plus he would learn that his choices have consequences - being asked to do his homework, tidy his room, clean the car etc 😊

Ask your other child if they have a friend they'd like to take. 13 year olds should be allowed a bit of autonomy.

He’s trying it out. Pushing boundaries for the next time.

If he sulks all day, so be it. He doesn’t get to choose.

So you’d starve your teen for not doing what you say? I’m not sure you’re in a position to be giving parenting advice