13 year old son will not come for day out

[tallulah07]

I paid for tickets for our whole family to go to Chessington as a treat for my two children (I cannot get a refund). My son REFUSES point blank to go - what can I do?? I can't physically force him into the car and I do not want to be miles out of Norfolk leaving him to his own devices! :-(

I sympathise with you op. My health is also the same. It is hard to be strong with teens under such circumstances. Good on you for finding the strength to tell your ds he has to come.

Tell him he doesn’t have a choice and he can see his friends any other time.

Tell him if he wants to come and not join in or go off on his own that’s fine, but he’s still coming.

Chances are once you get there he’ll really enjoy it.

Or they are parents who have had clear expectations and structures since their children were young and that's why they have compliant teens.

Why are you not writing who you’re replying to?

You're right for about 80% of young people

Im afraid that for the others, to varying degrees, they may get wrapped up in things which cause that compliance to fall away

OPs son on the phone all night to people she doesnt know? A huge contextual safeguarding flag. Why are the other boys also up all night on their phones, who are their parents. OP doesnt know any of this, why doesnt she know

So yes, something has gone a bit awry, with a bit of luck and hard work she might be able to make changes but he is old enough to get himself in trouble and defy her and the authoritarian/consequential approach may not work right now

I'm a grandmother of teenagers.

So I have been there and got one or two t-shirts for my trouble

would be stumped if they were faced with a youngster that has a bit of back bone.

You think that being disrespectful and disobedient constitutes backbone? That'll be where you're going wrong for a kick-off. It's not giving it 'big uns' to have some basic standards of behaviour and consequences if they're not followed. It's parents that have the backbone and that sets an example so a youngster can have the actual backbone to not have to hang out with their mates all the time. Thirteen is still plenty young enough to participate in family days out.

Thanks!

Don't bribe him.

Pay the bribe money to some really boring babysitter. An old lady, or a teen girl glued to her phone; or a young mum with toddlers underfoot.

I have a 14yo son. Faced with that dilemma, I would make it clear to him that the two choices were either we all go on the day out, or we all stay in together.

14yos do not get to dictate terms in my house. If he wants food, pocket money, clothes, phone, a generally pleasant life etc he needs to co-operate. If he wants to have his mates round any other day, that's fine. Don't give in.

So being a parent with clear boundaries and behavioural expectations is chest thumping? You sound very much like you are part of the problem, rather than having a clue about the solution. If you can't fathom an adult parent enforcing their will on a 13 year old child then you have no business commenting on a parenting thread. Of course, you are evidently someone who thinks a child smoking drugs is even remotely acceptable and unpreventable. Go You!

Rule number one of parenting is having clear boundaries, as much in your own mind as in those of your children. It's better for parents and children alike. When they know what is expected, and that when it matters there is no debate, they are actually much happier, believe it or not. The OP's first problem is that she got suckered into thinking that her son actually might have a choice in this instance because he is claiming he does. The reality is, or should be, that he doesn't have a choice. Good for her that she's seen that. Whilst she might have a few battles of will in the future if she stands firm she will prevail and it will be all the better for her and also for her son. Give children some opportunities for negotiation when it matters less but when the choice is leave a thirteen year old alone all day or cancel a family day out then there is no choice and nothing to negotiate.

My ds is 15.. i have worked all school holidays but am off this week..

I have made it clear except for the one day i have to go into work he makes no arrangements without my approval.

Its not easy but once out the house gets better.

Exactly this - most of the posters giving it big ‘uns on here are either the parents of much younger children or very compliant teens and would be stumped if they were faced with a youngster that has a bit of back bone.

Rubbish. He's 13. He's a child. I have a 14 year old, she's not a "compliant" teenager, she's a respectful one with strong views on things and is her own person but knows I'm her parent and therefore have the last word. Because I taught her to understand those things! You start when they are toddlers and by the time they are 13 you are on your way to having a decent adult. "Faced with a youngster that has a backbone?" You mean faced with a teenager who has been allowed to believe he rules the roost! Erm, Absolutely NOT, you remove his phone and the internet and tell him to buck up and get some respect for his family. He goes on the day out, non-negotiable.

OP you're doing it all wrong. You need to guilt trip him, bring up your poor health and how much pain he causes you. Imply that you might harm yourself if he doesn't do what you say. Is there a relative who has died recently that he loved very much? Tell him how disappointed they would be in him!
These are the tactics my mum used when I was a teenager and I did everything she said. It caused awful long term damage to our relationship and has meant that I have been in therapy for years but that's a small price to pay!
Ffs just let him stay at home. It could be a positive learning experience.

Take his phone at night

This. He's 13, and a child. He comes with end off. Sounds like he wants to get up to no good.

👏

That's what I do during the summer holidays when I'm at work! Why not?

You can tell those teens who had no rules or too much of their own ways. Op he's 13, still a child. It's your word and he goes.

Can Anyone screeching about ‘rules and boundaries’ explain to me how they make a teenager do something they don’t want to? Actually the mechanics of what they do and not thought terminating clichés.

It doesn't start at teenage years, it's starts much younger as a pp explained.

Oh god. This brings back awful memories of me at 18. My auntie had paid for both sides of the family to go to Chessington and I got royally pissed the night before after promising my parents I'd behave and wouldn't be hungover. I managed to meander to the first ride, looked at it, promptly threw up and was banished back to the car for the rest of the day with a bottle of water and my packed lunch. I can therefore vouch for the safety of the car park if he gets bored! I have never lived it down and as a now 32 year old am repeatedly mortified at how ungrateful I came across. I guess another more sensible option would be to see if he can spend the day with friends?

Just seen your update, on second thoughts might be safer he came with you!

To be fair chessington is a bit boring for a 13 yr old so I can understand why he might not be that interested. Now if you said Thorpe park and he could bring a mate you would of had no problem getting him interested in coming. Sometimes you have to consider if the activities are age appropriate.

So given that OPs son is already a teenager, can you explain to her how she can turn the clock back? Do you have a time machine available?