Work full time and do all of the childcare during the weekends.

[NeoXY]

My DP is SAHP for the first year of our DD’s life and obviously looks after her Monday to Friday, although I always put her to bed.

However, apart from the first nap in the morning I’m doing all of the looking after during all of the weekends (I also do almost all of the cooking).

What do other families do where one parent works full time and one is SAHP? How do you share the looking after and the chores?

Have you ever raised with him op

Spoken with him, discussed, chatted?!

if so- what was his response?

So also I’m the one dealing with the tired bedtime chaos, especially if DH didn’t get DD nap as well as he could’ve done knowing he won’t be the one dealing with the evening.

in one post you say you think you should give Dh a break and that you are simply posting to find out what other families do.

but reading your posts - it is quite clear you are pissed off and not happy with the situation.

So have you ever once raised with him?

The responsibilities need to be split 50/50 at weekends. You need to have the same amount of down time to yourself.

weekdays are different. You do the bedtimes and night wakes, work and probably get lunchtime breaks and a quiet commute. He does weekday childcare and will need a bit of time to himself each day to stay level.

Being a family is not "childcare". Do you not do family outings and stuff?

@NeoXY there's nothing wrong with having to ask for the time you need.

It's a 5 min conversation we tend to have on a Thursday lunch time.

It starts with the simple question, do you need any time this weekend?

@Twizbe I agree, definitely nothing wrong with that. I read your post and sounds like you have a good set up and it works for you.

I’m aiming for more of an even agreed split for the weekends (you might have that already) though and then if any of us needs additional extra time we can ask.

For those who raised the point if I discussed with my DH there are no issues about the two of us having that discussion and I know he will agree to a further split. But I wanted to know what people do.

As mentioned, I really do think SAHP needs a break from the kids / a baby. As well as the working parent needs some balance, though.

Personal opinion, would be that on the weekend, I’d like to spend as much time as possible with my child(ren) while DP does a bit more of the “chores” that aren’t “everyday” chores.
Just make sure that you make time for each other though, as a family and just the two of you. Life isn’t just about work and chores.

out of interest - if all mumsnetters had said “oh let the DH doe nothing at the weekends and you continue as is” - would that have stopped you discussing it with your husband?

this has presumably been going on for weeks? Months? you’re not happy. That was sufficient reason to have a chat with your dh about it.

although a bit shit he doesn’t come to that conclusion all by himself

As mentioned, I really do think SAHP needs a break from the kids / a baby. As well as the working parent needs some balance, though.

your husband doesn’t seem to though

I missed what he is doing whilst you do “all the childcare and cooking” over the weekend. Did you clarify?

out of interest - given 6month old baby, is this by any chance the first weekend you have been back full time?

I haven't read all the comments, but FYI OP - I knew you were a woman and that the SAHP was a man. Because this is entirely and completely what happens when the SAHP is a man unless both partners make a huge effort for it NOT to happen.

The good news is that you are far ahead in comparison to a lot of families - the fact that he does do a lot of the general housework etc, including on a weekend is a good start. But you have what I refer to as "default parent" syndrome. It's when he absolutely does plenty, but the assumption is that you are the default parent. The thing that drove me crazy was if we were out for a day, we'd come back all a bit tired, and Dh would just wander off to watch tv or chill out, leaving me with the baby unless I specifically asked him. It was infuriating.

I think you need to make him understand that even though you enjoy spending time with the baby, you still need a break and that currently, you don't get one at all. So what is the solution? In our case, Ds went to a childminder for a few hours once a week - that was real downtime for DH. And then he would absolutely let me have a morning on the weekend to chill out/read/watch TV.

You also have to speak up. Which means as he's disappearing off to read a book, again, you have to say, "hang on DH, I've been with baby all day and I need a break." which might lead to a few arguments but it sounds like part of it is that you have to get things out in the open in terms of what he thinks. It does rather sound like he considers himself to work Mon-Friday and that he gets a break on the weekends. Which is fine. Except that when you do childcare it's not work!?

started typing up two long examples but it was too boring even for me. So in summary, today's examples are 1. DH's work is part time, adhoc/self employed and a fraction of mine ito earnings and yet I have to specifically ask him to take time to look after DC for half term/holidays etc. It just doesn't even cross his mind that he might have to cancel or rearrange something because I am WFH so he just assumes I can do it.

And secondly, his default assumption is that he must be accommodated. He's changed his plans this afternoon and will be at home but had a go at me because he's not happy about the plans I have made to manage the childcare while I am working today because it's now going to negatively impact his new decision to be at home this afternoon!? WTAF?

sounds like still a work in progress at your place too @Triffid1 !

It doesn't sound like a fair split to me. I think I agree with @Topgub in so far as I would never have agreed to that kind of set up, purely because I've never seen it work without one parent (usually the mother) taking on most of the burden of work, whether that's paid work or stuff around the house or a combination of the two.

I think you need to talk about it now because the sooner you start to change it the more likely it can be done without too much hassle on either side.

I have a 6mo and am on mat leave. I do most of the nights as am bf. I wouldn’t dream of leaving Dh to do all weekends! This is baby 3 so there is a lot of parenting to do, and I’m due some time off, I get almost no proper time off, am up every 3 hours roughly and spend days ferrying dc around, trying to get baby to nap etc. Our marriage owes me some time off, but I would expect dp to be extremely vocally pissed off if I thought he should just take over for the weekends. He is very hands on, just as I said there is a lot to do.

@Endlesslypatient82 Why the actual F* are you searching up random old threads/comments of mine on a thread that isn't even mind? So it's not even like you're doing it in some kind of "gotcha" moment if I was the OP who said one thing today and something different the next week.

Clearly time for a name change as this feels a bit stalkerish.

And for the record, after that thread to which you are referring quite a lot has changed. My point then, and now, and always is that even the "good guys" still have this ridiculous assumption and it's an endless ongoing process of changing ways of thinking and behaving.

Honestly? I think you are being unreasonable. Looking after a baby or children is significantly harder than working. You do get time to yourself at work. I think you should take over at weekends. Most working parents don't get weekends off

What does he do at the weekends because it doesn't sound like he's off out but you make it sound like he's not there?

My ex was the sahp. He used to think his shift finished when l walked in from work. I did all the cooking, shopping and kids related stuff in evening and at weekends. I only put up with it for so long because l was young and stupid. In the end l figured l was better off being a single parent, and he had to parent his kids when it was his weekend.

I don't agree with this. But it also makes me laugh because I guarantee there's no more than 50 men on the entire planet who do all the childcare on weekends when their wife is a SAHP.

@Truthseeker456

Looking after a baby or children is significantly harder than working

No it isn't.

It certainly isn't when the other parent is doing all the bedtimes, night wakings and all weekends

DH doesn't have to boil a kettle to make up a bottle - pour and feed is made for nights like that.

To me this is straightforward. Both of you should have some time to yourselves at the weekend. 1 lie in each/couple of hours each to yourself etc.

I'd also recommend a cleaner.

Great then chat to him about it.

A couple I know alternate Saturday mornings as the basic. The can ask for additional time on top.

We liked the flexibly to change or have family time.

We're also very 50/50 when it's non working time so neither of us feel like it's all on us.